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The Thing About Forever
By: AnanyaSreen909

Reviewer: AOFunke

Cover/title: 6/10

I'm gonna split this so we have cover and title differently.

- First, your title is bam! Hits right in the heart. Not too informative, not inadequately informative. Makes me wanna see what's in the book. I also like that it goes with the blurb. It's like you're passing a message across. Your lead character didn't get have her forever the way she wanted. Where she wanted it. it was changed. It's lovely really. It make some want to flip the page and see what's gonna happen in the story.

So, yay! In that aspect, you got a four out of five. *Throws chocolate*

- Second, your cover. . .

I don't know, it seems too hidden for me. It's like there's something there that needs to come out. Let that beautiful story shine through your cover. I think the cover maker just slapped on some words on a picture there *pouts* needs more soul.

Thus, since I felt inspired by your title, I might have gone ahead to make a couple of covers (hehehe). Pm me so you can have a look.

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Blurb: 7/10

- Love the intro. It's wham! (That's a good thing)

*Gives you chocolate*

At the point where I viewed your blurb, I hadn't read your book yet, so this review is based on that first impression.

I get a teenfic/Young adult vibe from this. It goes well with the title, it's so short and portable, yet passes a message across. . .

So why? WHY did I deduct THREE points??????

(That's terrible punctuation right there btw, I'm just feeling very bubbly today)

The reason is. . .

*🥁 🥁 🥁*

Grammar and punctuation, sis!

*Throws confetti*

Let's have a look shall we. (I'll be using quotes from the blurb to show you)

"Malibu Beaches, Rodeo Drive, Hollywood Boulevard."

Unless those capitalzed words are proper nouns, I think that should be

"Malibu beaches, Rodeo Drive, Hollywood boulevard."

Also, the full stop between "boulevard" and "this" should be a colon (:)

*Gives you another chocolate*

In the second paragraph, I think there should be a comma between "be" and "with".

And the third paragraph should be something like:

"As Sierra navigates through her changing world, she feels like her life is getting back on track. But for how long before she realizes that another change, another world, awaits her?"

🍫🍫🍫🍫

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First chapter: 5/10

- It's okay, but it feels like you're not giving everything. Trust me, while writing, you should give everything you've got. I see you've tried to describe stuff. Inanimate stuff. While doing that, you've forgotten the place of animate description.

As Poppy came down the stairs, did her skirt bounce up and down? Swish around? Was she even wearing a skirt?

I'll talk more about this when we get to imagery, but yeah, that's one of the reasons why you see the score above.

The second reason is. . .

Once again

🥁 🥁 🥁

Grammar and punctuation, sis!

*Gives you another Chocolate*

It is paramount that your G and P is on point because you want your readers to understand the story you're telling. If everything's all jumbled up, no matter how good the story is, no one would understand.

Though, you've done well. I see the way you've kept to the rules concerning dialogue tags and general punctuation but argh. It's those typos, right? (I get typos a lot)

I think you could insert something, a scene maybe, that would make us see why she doesn't want to leave. The fact that she just arrived and her parents dropped the bomb and she went all emotional seems a little too sudden, don't you think? It'd be cool if we could connect to your character first so we'll feel her pain.

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Grammar and punctuation: 7/10

- Not bad, but not what I want for you. I know you have the potential, your writing style tells me so. All you have to do is sharpen your edges.

Here's a few things I noticed;

Split the first paragraph in chapter one. Let the separation come after "beginning of summer". Also, the part about her atya with Madeline's family should look like, "I had graduated sophomore year and spent more than half the summer with my best friend, Madeline and her family."

NEVER use numbers in place of words. 10, 2 and 3 in their respective positions should be, ten, two, and three.

There's also a tense switch here:

"I FREE myself from. . ." (What's in the chapter)

"I FREED myself from. . ." (Correct tensing)

Here's another minor error:

"Sierra?" It was Poppy's voice. . .(correct capitalization)

Also, remember to italicize whatever she's thinking. It's easier to read that way.

In chapter two, after reading ". . . out of bed and called Maddie. . .", I wondered who Maddie was. Thus, you could insert "my best friend," before Maddie to clear up any confusion that may arise.

*Gives you multiple chocolates*

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Vocabulary: 9/10

- It's a coming of age story, so there isn't heavy vocabulary which is superb! 🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫

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Plot/pacing:7/10

- The beginning was a little fast, but I was able to ctah on around chapter four. Remember what I said about your first chapter? Take time to build a connection between your character and the reader, but don't let it be too slow either.

Originality: 8/10

- Like I said before, I love your writing style. It's different, it stands out, it uses dialogue to describe stuff but it can be polished. And I know you can do it.

World building:8/10

- It's realistic and I like it. I can see the world your trying to create but the image is a little blurry due to inadequate description. (Refer to imagery) ✨🍫 it can be worked on, and I'm certain if you put your heart to it, you'll nail it.

Imagery: 5/10

- This needs more fire. More fire. More fire. Here's some fire 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Enough?

You did a decent job of description when she was outside, but once she goes in it's like you've turned off the switch *pouts*

More fire!

Describe the flooring of the room. Describe that crack in the wall. Describe that one chair that's fallen out of the dining arrangement. Describe the vase at the center of the kitchen table.

You know what I've learnt? It's that the littlest descriptions make your story.

Use that element to your advantage and shine, sis. Shine!✨

🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫

Hope the chocolate eased your nerves, and I hope this helps ❤️ thank you.

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Questions for the author:

- What do you think of the review? Did it help you improve?

- What kind of story are you going for? Tell us so we can understand you.

- What do you enjoy about writing? Tell us how it makes you feel.

- What is your writing process like?