All over 

Saina's

"IT'S a sex trip."

Rai and I were having coffee at the lounge that morning. I was telling her about Gerry's plan of spending the long weekend at his family's farm in Bulacan, and I really want to come. Mag-e-enjoy si Haniel roon, plus makakasakay na naman siya sa kabayo. He was telling me the other night that the only thing that he's missing in Italy is the fact that everyday he gets to ride horses. Back in Italy, we used to live in an apartment building and just three blocks away from it, may isang napakagandang vineyard kung saan may mga kabayo. The owner was fond of Haniel and she lets him ride her horses. Paikot – ikot lang naman si Haniel room. Madalas niyayaya niya kaming mag-dinner. Mrs. Brambilla is a nice middle-aged woman, habang naroon kami sa Italia ay siya ang tumayong lol ani Haniel.

"How can we have sex? May mga bata? Saka, we've been dating for a month and a half already, it's not like we haven't done the deed." Ginagawa namin iyon, at least once a week, when Haniel is with Uriel and Joshua is with his Lola. We'll go to my unit or his home, pero hindi lang naman kami puro sex. Nagde-date rin kami, like a park date, mall date, movie date... pero doon pa rin nauuwi. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Minsan tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung ganoon ba ako kasabik because it has been that long for me, but I really can't get enough of him.

With or without clothes, Gerry is an eye – candy.

Also, he's insatiable, ako naman madalas na sensitive. One kiss and the clothes fly over. I shook my head.

"There are ways sister. Do you think dadami ng ganoon ang mga pamangkin ko kung hindi marunong dumiskarte ang mga kapatid ko? We always have a family something." She even rolled her eyes. Natawa na lang ako. Susunduin ko si Haniel ngayong hapon, isasama ko na rin si Joshua, may court hearing si Gerry kaya hindi niya mapupuntahan ang anak niya. Iuuwi ko si Joshua sa bahay tapos doon muna siya habang hinihintay ang Papa niya. I'm actually nervous, this is the first time na maiiwan sa akin si Joshua nang hindi kasama si Gerry, baka magtanong ang bata kung bakit palagi kaming magkasama ng Papa niya, baka hindi ko masagot ang tanong niya.

It's been a month and a half, pero hindi pa rin namin sinasabi sa mga bata ang relasyon namin. I guess pareho kaming hindi pa handa. Hindi rin naman sila nagtatanong. Siguro, sa isipan nilang dalawa tulad nila ni Joshua ay magkaibigan lang kaming dalawa.

"Ex-wife alert." Napatuwid ang pagkakaupo ko nang makita kong pumasok si Alona sa longue kasama ng stylist ni Pan Vejar at ng photographer ng company. She looks good on the dress that she's wearing now. Modelong – modelo ang dating niya. Isa siya sa mga taong kahit yata pagsuotin ng sako ay maganda at elegante pa rin ang dating.

I smiled at her. Hindi naman ako katulad ng iba na galit sa ex ng boyfriend ko. Wala naman siyang ginagawa sa akin at sa relasyon naming dalawa ni Gerry pero dama ko talaga na inis siya sa akin hindi tulad noong una kaming nagkakilala. Ngiting – ngiti ako sa kanya pero hindi man lang siya makatingin sa akin. I just looked at Rai and chuckled.

"This is the first dress Miss Pan wants her to wear. This is the Karmela dress."

Maganda ang design niyon. Bagay na bagay sa morenang kulay ni Alona. It emphasized her hourglass figure, her slender arms and her collar bones. Umayon din sa look ang pagkaka – bun ng buhok niya. She's wearing my drop earrings design. She looked like a million pesos.

"I like it." Finally, Alona smiled at me. "Kind of reminded me of my wedding gown." I blinked a few times, but I decided to just let that comment go. Maganda ang dress, parang wedding gown nga ang datingan. Nakakatuwa. "Do you like it, Miss Saina?" She asked me.

"Yes. You will wear that sa show case. Rai, what do you think of her make up?"

"Papalitan lang iyong shade ng lipstick niya but the totality is fine. Ang ganda. She looks so good. Pwede na siya sa shoot ng cover for the catalogue."

"Uhm, may concern ako, hindi ba tatakpan itong tattoo ko sa gilid?" Napakunot ang noo ko. I know about her tattoo, pero hindi naman niya iyon binabanggit noon. Isa pa, automatic iyon na tatakpan ng make up artist, lalo na kung alam na makikita sa shot. But she mentioned it now. Rai looked at her, tumayo pa nga ang business partner ko para tingnan ang tattoo niya. I had a glimpse too, dahil curious ako, and to my surprise, humarap talaga sa akin si Alona.

I saw it in full view. There's an infinity sign on her side. I blinked again, not wanting to think about anything else, but I saw the same tattoo on Gerry's side too. His was on the right side of his body, ang kay Alona ay nasa left. I was only staring at the tattoo, and then I looked at Alona's face. Concern naman ang nasa mukha niya habang nakatingin kay Rai.

"The make up artist will decide on that. Please tell Pan I am looking forward on her dresses." Wika pa ng kaibigan ko. "Saina, you okay? It's almost time. Baka maghintay ng matagal ang mga anak mo." Sabi ni Rai sa akin. I was really caught off-guard. I am thinking things that I didn't even notice Rai when she said mga anak. Kusa na lang akong tumayo pagkatapos ay umalis nang walang kibo. Bumalik ako sa office para kuhanin ang bag ko. Automatic lang lahat ng ginagawa ko.

I smiled when I saw the kids, I made sure that they are safe at the backseat and then I drove them safely home, nang nasa unit na ay pinaghugas ko sila ng kamay at mukha, saka pinagpalit ng damit. I waited until they're in the kitchen to give the PB&J sandwiches and two glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice. Nang makakain at masiguro kong busog na silang dalawa ay saka ko sila hinayaan maggawa ng mga assignments nila. I sat with them, on my hand a cup of tea, I am trying to calm my nerves.

Hindi ko makalimutan iyong tattoo ni Alona. I saw Gerry's tattoo the third time we had sex, and I asked him about it, he just kissed my fingers and told me that it's not something special. Is it really? Hindi naman ako magkakaganito kung hindi ko nakita ang tattoo sa ex-wife niya. What if it's something like a couple thing? Matagal na silang hiwalay, almost six years, pero bakit hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin inaalis ni Alona ang tattoo? Its easy to get it erased via laser. As far as I know, Alona had been with different people since they broke up and recently, she had gotten engaged but broke it off, but still, she had a fiancé, bakit hindi niya pinabura?

If Alona didn't want it erased, why can't Gerry do it? Base sa kwento niya ay masama ang loob niya sa ex niya dahil kung tratuhin siya nito noon ay ganoon na lang, alam rin niya na kaya nandito si Alona it's because she needs something from him. He told me that he seemed to pnly exist in Alona's world if it is convenient to the woman pero kung hindi ay wala lang din siya, pero bakit andoon pa rin ang tattoo na iyon?

Am I not enough? I was never enough for my father, I didn't feel enough for Uriel and now him. Will I ever be enough?

"Mommy Saina, okay ka po?" Nagulat ako nang magsalita si Joshua. I was able to stop the train of thoughts when I heard his voice. I looked at him and then to Haniel – to my surprise, may luha sa mata ng anak ko.

"Anak, what happened?" I touched his face. "May masakit ba?"

"No, Mommy, you're crying." He sobbed. Agad siyang lumapit sa akin para yakapin ako. His little arms were almost wrapped around my nape. Hinaplos ko ang mga pisngi ko and that's the only moment, I realized that I was crying.

"Bakit ka umiiyak, Mommy?" Tanong ni Joshua. Punong – puno ng pag – aalala ang boses niya. "Inaway ka ba ni Papa? Isusumbong ko siya kay Lola!" Sabi bigla ni Joshua.

"But... but..." Haniel spoke. Nanginginig ang ibabang labi niya. "What if you do that and they'll never fix things? Sabi ni Tita Annie, okay lang naman raw na nag-aaway ang mag-boyfriend."

"W-what?" I was suddenly so caught in the middle. "What boyfriend?" Nagkatingin ang dalawang bata.

"I saw Uncle Gerry kissing you the last time, Mommy, I told Josh about it and he saw his dad kissing you too while you were at the car at school last time. We figured it out and then I told Daddy, but Daddy said that I should just wait for you to say something to me because maybe, according to him you're not ready yet. Tita Avery is happy for you."

"You two knew..." The realization hit me. They both nodded.

"Kung inaway ka ni Papa, susumbong ko talaga siya kay Lola Cynthia."

"No, we didn't fight.... Uhm, do you want to go to the park and eat some ice cream?" Pag – iiba ko ng usapan. Hindi pa ako handang magpaliwanag sa kanilang dalawa lalo na ngayon na may doubts ako dahil sa punyetang tattoo na iyan. The two kids looked at each other, worry is still adorned on their faces. I shook my head and smiled wider than I should.

"I'm okay. Gerry and I didn't fight. I guess I'm just really tired from work, but it can all be fixed by a cone of ice cream. Gusto ninyo ba? We can go to the ice cream parlor near the park."

"Are you sure, Mommy?" Tanong ni Haniel sa maliit niyang tinig. Parang siya ang hindi okay.

"Yes, baby love. What flavor do you want for your ice cream?"

"Salted Caramel." Mahinang sagot niya.

"Ikaw, Joshua?" I looked at Gerry's son. Hinaplos ko rin ang pisngi niya.

"Choco mint po, Mommy."

"Okay, then let's go."

We all headed out for the ice cream parlor. Naupo kaming tatlo sa isang table na malapit sa malaking glass window. Pinipili kong hindi isipin ang nakita ko kanina and tried my best to focus on the kids. Parang nakalimutan na nila ang pag – iyak ko dahil nag-e-enjoy na sila sa ice cream. I looked at my phone and decided to text Gerry. Gusto ko lang malaman kung okay ba siya. It's his first pro bono case and he's so nervous about it.

To: Gerry <3

Message: How's your case? Call me when you read this. Miss you. =)

It sounded so casual. Sana okay na iyon. Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang bumangon ang lahat ng insecurities ko. Maybe it's the fact that before all of these, Gerry admitted that he may or may have not feelings for his ex-wife. I know he said he likes me – a lot for a matter, but was liking me enough? Should I not be worried? I am investing my feelings to Gerry and... and... I don't want to get hurt again.

After the ice cream date, the three of us walked to the park. Naglaro iyong dalawa sa swing at sa monkey bars, naghabulan din sila, they even petted the dogs being walked on the park by their owners. Nang mapagod silang dalawa ay saka sila nagyayang umuwi. Pinagpahinga ko saglit at nagluto na ako ng hapunan.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang hindi ako mapakali. I have this nagging feeling in my heart. I checked my phone, hindi pa rin nababasa ni Gerry ang message ko. Ang sabi niya sa akin kaninang umaga, bago raw mag – alas singko ay narito na siya. He's sure of that, lahat naman kasi ng government offices ay nagsasara ng alas singko.

Bumabalik na naman ang paranoia ko. Naisip ko kung paano kung nagkita pala sila ni Alona? I have the right to get jealous right? I am his girlfriend, may bearing iyon.

I texted him again.

To: Gerry <3

Message: Just cooking dinner for the kids. We're having mac and cheese, chicken at nagsaing rin ako para kay Joshua. Are you on the way na? =)

After five minutes ay wala pa rin akong reply na nakuha. Hindi niya nabasa ang message ko. May pasok bukas, sure naman akong susunduin niya si Joshua. Hihintayin ko na lang siya. Pinauna kong pakainin ang mga bata. I let them play a bit of their game. Nakaupo ako sa living area kasama sila. Nililibang ang sarili dahil hindi ko talaga nagugustuhan ang naiisip ko.

It's only seven in the evening. Maaga pa, but then when the kids suddenly felt sleepy, saka ako talagang hindi mapakali. Hindi ko na mapipigilan ang pagkaantok ng dalawang bata. Pinahiram ko na lang si Joshua ng pajamas ni Haniel, halos magkasing – laki lang naman sila. I tucked them to bed and I went back to the living area and took my phone again. I called him, finally I had the confidence to call, but my calls were ignored.

I texted him again, asking where he is this time pero puro unread ang messages ko.

"Where the fuck are you?" Nakakunot ang noo ko. Palakad – lakad ako sa sala, kinakabahan, what if naaksidente siya and they couldn't find his phone and ids? What if comatose na siya ngayon, pero mas malaki ang what if kung magkasama sila ni Alona? What if they're in bed together.

Sa gigil ko, tinawagan ko si Uriel. Pagkasagot niya pa lang ng phone ay nagsalita na agad ako.

"This is all your fault!"

"What the fuck did I do?"

"You cheated on me many times, Uriel! Hinding – hindi ko makakalimutan iyong kapag may LQ tayo, may kasama ka agad na ibang babae! You made me so paranoid! This is all your fault!"

"Uhm, did I answer the phone of the past?"

"Bwisit ka!" Mangiyak – ngiyak na wika ko. Binabaan ko rin siya ng phone, sakto naman pagkababa ay may pumasok na message sa viber, it's from Rai, I opened it without even thinking, at halos mabitiwan ko ang phone ko nang makita ko si Gerry sa larawan, and he was with Alona. They were all over each other.

And it hit me right in my heart...

Ang sakit.