Matigas ito

YOU look happy..."

Ipinag-drive ko si Mama nang hapong iyon. She sent a message in our chat group asking who's available to drive her. May pasok ang mga kapatid ko, sakto namang natapos ang meeting ko nang maaga kaya ako na ang sumundo kay Mama. She needed to run some errands, nagpunta kami sa ilang mental institute para bisitahin ang mga pasyente niya, we went to the groceries to buy ingredients for the coming Sunday for the family lunch. Nasa kotse na kami at papunta sa bahay niya nang bigla siyang magsalita sa akin.

"Is it because of Saina?" Malumanay naman ang boses ni Mama. Hindi ako kaagad nakasagot kasi hindi naman ako pwedeng magsinungaling sa kanya. My mom is not a psychologist for nothing.

"Yes."

"Are you dating her?"

"We're each other's special someone." Walang abog na wika ko. Biglang natawa si Mama.

"Ano kayo, high school?"

"You know, that's exactly what her friend told us earlier today. Hindi ko alam, Ma. Masaya naman ako. She's a good person, she shows that Joshua is important for her." Ngiting – ngiti ako habang sinasabi ko iyon kay Mama. Hindi ko rin kasi mapaniwalaan kung gaano kadali para kay Saina na mahalin ang anak ko. I know what she's showing my boy is not something she can fake. I see the way she looks at my son when no one is looking. Saina is as real as the facts around me and I don't really know if I deserve her, but I hope that I do deserve her.

I bit my lower lip. Hinaplos – haplos naman ni Mama ang braso ko.

"Whatever makes you happy, anak. Just... be sure of your decisions. Mas magandang malinaw mo na ang nararamdaman mo bago ka magdesisyon." Mom squeezed my hand. "I want all of you to have a happy life, kung kasama roon ang married life, I want all of you to find the one suited for you. Wala akong ibang hiling kundi ang maging mabuti at masaya ang buhay ninyong magkakapatid."

"Ma..." Napapalatak ako. I know what she means. Hanggang ngayon siguro may kirot pa rin sa puso ni Mama ang nangyari sa kanila ni Papa noong araw. Malaki ang naging impact ng pangyayaring iyon sa buhay naming magkakapatid, my mother even changed her name just to make sure na hindi na siya mahahanap ni Papa. From Manila, we all left and lived in Davao, in hiding, with the hopes that our father would never find us – and he didn't.

Nagkaroon na lang kami ulit ng communication noong college na kaming lahat at nag-aaral sa Manila. After graduation, nagkita sila ni Mama, pero ramdam naming lahat noon kung gaano kabigat ang loob ni Mama kay Papa. Hindi namin kahit kailan ipinilit na magbalikan silang dalawa.

I remember when Mom found out that Tita Nadia – the woman Dad left us for – is getting married to Don Paeng Arandia. Hindi ko alam kung anong tumatakbo sa isipan niya, he just looked at all of us and smile, then she said that Finally, Nadia got what she always wanted.

Ngumiti ako kay Mama. I parked the car inside her garage and helped her with the groceries. Habang tinutulungan ko siyang ayusin ang mga pinamili niya ay patingin – tingin ako sa relo ko. Excited akong makasama si Saina at ang dalawang bata sa dinner. It's something we had never done before and although I am nervousm, I can't help but be excited. Ramdam ko sa sarili kong gusto kong makasama si Saina. Kanina bago ko siya puntahan sa office niya ay pagod ako, but after seeing her beautiful gummy smile, I suddenly felt recharge. Hindi ako naniniwalang pwedeng tawaging pahinga ang isang tao but after today, I realized that it is possible, Saina is my rest and I want to be with her.

I really hope we make this work. I really like her.

"May lakad ka ba?"

"Ah, susunduin ko po si Joshua, Ma."

"Si Joshua lang ba?" Nanunudyong tanong ni Mama. Namula ang mukha ko. Tawang – tawa si Mama sa akin.

"I just want to see you happy again, anak. Kung male-late ka na, you can go. Kaunti na lang naman ito, and also, kung pwede mo siyang isama sa Linggo para sa family lunch natin, please, I want to meet her again."

"Sure, Ma. Alis na ako. I'll call you later." Wika ko sa kanya. I kissed her forehead and made sure that she has everything before I left. May isang kasambahay si Mama, kaya hindi naman siya mag – isa, isa pa, dito umuuwi si Alberto para maliban sa kasambahay ay may kasama pa sila.

I was feeling good while driving back to Saina's office. Hindi na ako umuwi para magpalit ng damit. Mabango pa naman ako, saka isa pa, nagmamadali talaga ako. Mas mabuting ako ang maghintay sa kanya kaysa siya ang maghintay sa akin.

I stayed in the lobby of their office. I messaged her saying that I am already here and that I'll wait for her. Hindi niya pa nababasa ang message ko kaya naisip kong baka may ginagawa siyang mahalaga. I patiently waited for her. Pinagtitinginan ako ng mga empleyado niya, ngiti lang naman ako nang ngiti – kakangiti ko ay hindi ko napansing naupo na pala si Alona sa tabi ko. I only noticed her when she squeezed my hand. She was all smiles and it seems like she's in a very good mood today.

"Hey, susunduin mo ako?" Malamyos na tanong niya sa akin. Napataas ang kilay ko. She moved closer to me. "Or you're here for someone else." Napansin ko ang pagbabago sa expression ng mukha niya. "When are you going to tell me that you're already dating? Tapos iyong boss ko pa? Siya iyongh tinatawag na Mommy ni Joshua. Are you ever going to tell me?"

"Nana..."

"What? Suddenly I don't matter in your life anymore? I am your wife."

"Ex-wife." Pagtatama ko sa kanya. "Annulled na tayo. Walang bisa ang kasal natin. You're the mother of my child but you're not my wife. I don't even know if we're friends, Nana. Para kang kabuteng susulpot sa buhay ko tapos biglang mawawala."

"I am busy building a life for myself, a name that I can be proud of!" Napatayo na si Alona. Her fists curved into a ball. Anger was seething from her at ang tanging naiisip ko lang ay pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga tao. "You know that I can't be a stay at home mom! Hindi iyon ang buhay para sa akin!"

"Hindi ko rin naman iyon hiningi sa'yo. I told you before that you can work. I let you do things your way, ang tanging gusto ko lang noon ay uuwi ka sa amin ng anak mo."

"Which I did!"

"Yes." Totoo naman ang sinasabi niya, but then one day, I realized that we're not happy. Nasa iisang relasyon kami, kasal kaming dalawa, pero nakikita kong hindi na siya masaya, at dahil roon, nawala na rin ang kasiyahan para sa akin. I loved her, and I wanted to make her happy. Natatandaan kong masaya naman kami noon, bago dumating sa amin si Joshua. She was always sweet with me, but when Joshua came, she became distant. Hindi ko masasabing hindi kami handa sa pagdating ng anak namin, but I couldn't help but see the changes right after she gave birth.

"It's you who changed." Kalmadong wika ko. "You're not happy and I don't want us to stay in an unhappy relationship. You did all the things you wanted, Nana, why can't I do what I want?"

"And what's that you want to do? Si Saina?"

"Ah yes he did me. All night and it was good..."

Both Alona and I were startled when Saina spoke. Hindi ko napansing nakatayo na siya sa gilid ko.Nakahalukipkip siya habang nagsasalita, may ngisi rin sa labi niya. Alona gaped, parang hindi niya maapuhap ang dapat niyang sasabihin. Saina remained calmed and collected. She even touched my arm and gave me that sweet smile.

"Shall we go? The kids might be waiting for long. Hmmm?" Napangiti na rin ako. Nakakahawa ang mga ngiting iyon ni Saina.

"Sure." Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. "How was your day?"

"Kabit." Wika ni Alona. Saina looked at her from head to toe.

"No, Alona, don't go there. We all know you're not married to him anymore, and whatever he does with his life doesn't concern you. If he wants to do me, he will and I will let him, you jave no say in whatever relationship we have now. You're a part of his past. H'wag lang magpakababa. Babae ka, know your worth, you deserve better, we all deserve better."

"How do you know that he's the better one for you? Hindi nga naging maayos ang pagsasama namin!" Alona was hissing. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kamay ni Saina. Ayoko man ay may punto si Alona. Hindi naging maayos ang pagsasama namin kaya nga kami naghiwalay. What if Saina realizes that? What if she changes her mind? What if she's not ready to try and give us a chance anymore.

"Ay? Di ba uso ang character development?" Tanong muli ni Saina kay Alona. "Kasi girl, it's been years, maybe he wasn't any better while you were with him, but then again, its been years. I'm sure Gerry learned a thing or two, ganoon ka rin naman, pero sana Alona, be good. Ang ampalaya kinakain hindi inuugali. Good day, Miss Alona." Saina even winked at her pagkatapos noon ay hinatak na niya ako palabas ng building.

We walked straight to my car. When we got in, I got startled when she suddenly straddled me. Her back is now against the steering wheel and her arms were around my neck. She was breathing heavily.

"I heard how you answered all her allegations, fuck, Gerry, you're so hot!" She hissed before bending her head down to nibble my earlobe.

"Mmm..." Hindi ko mapigilang mapaungol. Her tongue was wet and hot and right now, all I could think about is how much I want to thrust inside her tight core. We kissed, and it was passionate, pero bago kami parehong mawala sa sarili ay tumigil kaming dalawa. We have kids to pick up, and Saina needed to calm herself down. Naupo na siya sa passenger's seat at nakailang beses huminga nang malalim habang papunta kami sa school ng mga bata.

Tahimik kaming dalawa sa byahe, panaka – nakang nagngingisihan, it didn't feel awkward at all, it felt good, really, really good.

When we arrived at school, agad naman naming nakita ang mga bata. Nag-uunahan pa silang tumakbo papunta sa amin ni Saina.

I was expecting that Joshua will hug me – tulad ng ginagawa niya palagi kapag nakikita ako pero nilagpasan ako ng sarili kong anak at nakipag-unahan pa kay Haniel na mayakap si Saina. Saina laughed and leveled with them. Binigyan niya ng tig – isang halik sa pisngi ang dalawa bata at sabay niya pang niyakap ang mga ito. I stood there, watching them and I felt like my day got brighter.

"I miss you, Mommy!" Sabi ni Haniel. "Namiss ka rin ni Joshua!"

"Talaga ba? I miss the both of you too! Magdi-dinner tayong apat ngayon. Uncle Gerry will buy us dinner."

"Totoo po?!" Namimilog ang mga mata ni Joshua habang nakatingin sa akin. I gave him a nod.

"Yes! Papa pwede po sa Ernesto's?! Gusto ko po roon!"

"Sure, anak!" Natuwa si Joshua. Yumakap rin siya sa akin pero hindi iyon nagtagal, bigla siyang lumayo at nagtatakang tiningnan ako. "Is there something wrong, Josh?"

"Wala naman, Pa, pero okay ka ba? Matigas ito eh." To my surprise, my son put his hand on my crotch area. Halos lumuwa ang mga mata ko. Si Saina naman ay bumilinghit ng tawa habang nakatingin sa aming mag – ama.

Jusko, nawa'y lamunin na lang ako ng lupa!