It was at three in the morning when Brigid nudged Addison gently, probably to see if she were awake. She was of course. She'd been lying in her bed unable to forget the feel of Dylan's lips against her own, unable to forget that just for those few moments that she was with Dylan she'd felt so happy she could barely stand it. It had been like a burst of light had surged through her and she really had been happy until that poisonous thought in her head had convinced her that she didn't deserve to feel that happiness. That fucking poisonous thought had convinced her that the joy she'd felt when she was with Dylan was completely undeserved even though she wanted nothing more than to have the feeling of joy every damn day.

"Addison?" Brigid asked in a small voice.

"Mmm?"

"Are you awake?" Brigid asked shifting slightly in Addison's bed.

"Yeah..." Addison replied with a slight yawn. Brigid shifted again so she was facing Addison, her face barely visible in the dark of Addison's room; the same room they'd spent so much time over the years either studying, spending time together and on one particular night, Brigid had comforted a fourteen year old Addison when she'd felt her first twinge of childish unrequited love.

"I wanted you to know that I'm never going to leave you...I know you worry about people running out on you but I'm not going to even when I leave for university. You have me, you'll always have me." Brigid said lacing her fingers through Addison's and holding on tightly. Her bright eyes, bright even in the dark and full to the brim with purpose, found Addison's and locked onto them. "You're my best friend and you'll always have me."

"I know Brigid...I know." Addison said squeezing her hand.

"You really don't have to talk about what happened but...well I'm here for you when you do want to talk." She mumbled; sleep already beginning to pull her back down.

"I can't sleep so I'm going to grab some fresh air." Addison said as she shifted out of her bed.

"Want me to come with you?" Brigid asked. Addison shook her head, she could see that Brigid was already beginning to drift off.

"No it's fine, you go to sleep." Addison said. She gave Brigid's hand a quick squeeze before climbing out of her bed. She fumbled around for her shoes. As she did so, Brigid's phone beeped. After a beat, Addison heard Brigid sigh. "What's wrong?"

"Dad's asking where I am. He walked past my room on the way to the bathroom and saw I'm not there." Brigid said. "I can't wait to leave home. Are you going to be ok here by yourself?" Brigid asked with a worried look. 

"Yeah, I'll be fine." Addison said even though she wasn't sure if that was actually true. 

Quietly, Addison and Brigid padded out of the room and downstairs. They both slipped out the back door and out into the garden. Brigid waving goodbye as she left through the side gate. It was a clear night without a single cloud in the sky. The moon bathed the garden in a bone white light.

As she sat down on one of the garden chairs, Addison pulled out her crumpled pack of cigarettes. There was no one there to chastise her. As she lit a cigarette, the memories Molly's party came back to her. Sitting outside on a step with Dylan. God, she'd screwed up so badly. Dylan was probably never going to talk to her ever again. It actually shook Addison to the core.

She fumbled in her pyjama pocket until she found her phone. Dylan had probably long since gone to bed so she wasn't sure why she was scrolling through her contacts until she found his name. Before she realised what she was doing, Addison called Dylan. It rang for several moments before he answered.

"Addison?" Dylan asked as soon as he picked up the phone.

"Hey...sorry, did I wake you?" Addison asked. Like she needed another reason for Dylan to hate her.

"No, I was a wake. I couldn't sleep." Dylan said. He sounded sad and tired. "What are you doing awake?"

"Couldn't sleep either." Addison said. "Dylan...I'm so sorry about what I did. I shouldn't have kicked you out the house. I was mad and I freaked out, I shouldn't have been a bitch towards you."

"Look, its ok. We both said shit earlier and I'm not mad at you."

"I find that hard to believe." Addison said.

"It's true though, I'm not mad at you. I'm worried about you." Dylan said. He let out a sad sounding sigh. Addison could feel her eyes watering again. Damn, she was not going to cry again. "You...you can say no if you want, but do you want to come over? I know it's really late but maybe we could talk. If you don't want to talk then we could just watch a film or something."

"Are you sure? It's past three."

"I'm well aware of the time Addison." Dylan said. He actually laughed. "Like I said, you can no."

"No...I mean...yeah, I can come over. I'll be there in a bit." Addison said. She stubbed out her barely smoked cigarette and stood up.

"See you in a bit Addison." Dylan said before hanging up.

---

Dylan was waiting at the door for her when Addison arrived. She'd left a note in her room for Brigid. No doubt in the morning Brigid would freak out but that was a problem for Future Addison. Present Addison was just happy that Dylan didn't slam the door in her face.

"We're going to have to be really quiet, everyone is asleep." Dylan said, barely above a whisper.

"Is Niamh really asleep or is she up watching stuff in her room?" Addison asked. She was amazed that Niamh was a functioning human, she seemed to get less hours sleep than Addison. If that was possible.

"She's actually asleep, she's got some presentation tomorrow in her IT class so she's getting her full eight hours." Dylan said as he let Addison into the house and started walking up the stairs. Addison made sure to not step on the third step from the bottom. Dylan shot her a questioning look.

"Niamh told me that it creaks." Addison said with a shrug.

"And you remembered?" Dylan asked. Addison shrugged again. Dylan just shook his head and led Addison into his room. His room was just as clean as it had been the last time Addison was in it. Dylan turned his TV on, making sure to keep the volume down low and settled himself onto his bed. After a few beats, Addison followed suit and shot him an apologetic look.

"I really did mean it, I'm sorry about how I acted earlier. I shouldn't have shouted at you and kicked you out."

"Nah, you shouldn't have but, like I said, I'm not mad. I get it, ok? I get that you're used to pushing people away and all that shit. If you've done it for so long then trying to stop must be hard." Dylan said. Addison was glad that he was accepting her apology but that didn't make her feel any less awful about the whole thing. "There's more on your mind isn't there?" Dylan then asked as he stared at Addison. She nodded.

"What you said...about...shit." She stammered out. "Ok listen, I've never done the whole relationship thing before. It just seems like I'd be setting myself out for heartbreak and I've been through enough of that. I've done the whole one night stand shit but never an actual relationship. When you said that you were falling for me, it really freaked me out. It's the first time be heard someone say that and it's the first time that I've...fuck...it's the first time I've felt those feelings for someone." She said, all the while feeling her face grow more and more red. Her cheeks burned like they were on fire.

"So you're saying..."

"I like you, I like you a lot. I've tried to ignore it but I care about you." Addison said. It might seem like I'm just playing hard to get but its not that, I'm kind of protecting myself from getting hurt or hurting you."

"And how do you think you're going to hurt me?"

"By going fucking crazy?" Addison guessed. Dylan actually snorted at that. "Don't laugh, it terrifies me that I'm going to freak out one day and do something stupid again." She said, glancing down at her wrist. Dylan sighed and reached out for her hand. With his thumb, he traced the white scar on her wrist. "If I did freak out again then you could end up getting hurt. My family would end up getting hurt. I know that I don't get on with them that well, but I do love them."

"I never thought that you didn't."

"I'm just saying, we have our issues but I do love them. When the whole...when I hurt myself, they were really affected by it. Brigid was beside herself and never left my side in the hospital. Aaron must have stayed up for about three days just keeping watch over me. I wouldn't want you to go through that." Addison said. Once again, Dylan sighed and tightened his grip on Addison's hand. It felt like an anchor weighing her down. Not in a bad way though. It was comforting.

"I don't think it's going to happen and if it does, then I'll deal with it." Dylan said. "Can I just ask you something?"

"What about?"

"Your mom." Dylan said. Addison stilled. She had been expecting this. Dylan had to know Addison had issues with her mother, after all that was part of the reason behind slapping Chloe across the face. Addison had always been very closed off when it came to her mother.

She assumed it was some form of coping mechanism, even though her therapist had said it was to do with Addison not wanting to really admit that her mother had left her. That was just one of reasons behind Addison really hating her therapist.

"Dylan...I really hate talking about my mother."

"I sort of gathered that but it was part of the reason behind the shit with Chloe. I've tried asking Lisa or Brigid about it but they told me not to ask about her." Dylan said. "You said she left..."

"Yeah. She left us all when I was ten. She just upped and left us. She lives in Scotland now, that's all I really know. We haven't seen or heard from her in a few years now. The last time I was spoke to her was when I was about eleven I think. She's completely cut us out of her life." Addison said. "My dad did the best he could though he works a lot and he's hardly ever around. My brother Eric sort of took over as head of the house when my dad wasn't there. To be honest he did a shitty job because Mark fought him on everything Eric said and Aaron's issues with authority could fill a book. I found it easier to just stay out of it all in case I got dragged into some kind of family wide fallout." Addison took a deep sigh before carrying on.

"I didn't find out until last year why she really left. When I first starting noticing that there was something wrong with me...when I went on my meds and everything...well that was when my Dad told me. My mom had suffered from depression for years; since Aaron was born I think. It finally got too much for her and she told my Dad that she couldn't handle it anymore. During the first two years that she left were spent getting treatment apparently then she moved to Scotland to start over again." Addison said. Dylan had grown silent and still while he listened to Addison apart from making small circular patterns on Addison's hand with his fingers. It was incredibly soothing and made Addison feel less scared about telling Dylan about her mother.

"Shit...Addi, I'm so sorry." Dylan said.

"It made me feel like I wasn't completely alone with my problems but at the same time it terrified me. She left, she just left everyone and I've thought about that so many times. I've thought about just running from all my problems just like she did."

"But you're here." Dylan said firmly looking at Addison with those damn eyes of his that swam with understanding.

"I'm here." Addison echoed. "I just wish she would have stayed because then I wouldn't have felt so scared when I wanted to run...when I wanted to hurt. I wish she'd been there to tell me that I wasn't alone and that other people felt the way that I did."

"Addi-"

"I really wasn't trying to kill myself that night...the night with the kitchen knife. I just got carried away and couldn't stop. I didn't want to die but for a while I realised that I really wasn't scared of dying because it would have made things easier. My dad would have one less child to worry about, Eric wouldn't have to tear his hair out over me anymore and I would stop disappointing everyone around me. It wasn't until I heard how scared Aaron was when he found me that I realised I didn't want to die. I want to live and carry on fighting. That was the last time I did it but I wasn't the same person I used to be. I haven't been the person I used to be for a long time actually..." Addison felt lighter as soon as she finished talking.

Still, she was terrified what Dylan would say as he was currently staring at Addison with such an intense look that it was unnerving. Dylan was silent for several moments before he placed his hands on either side of Addison's face and pulled her into a kiss. It started off slow and chaste, so much more innocent than the kisses they had shared earlier on, until Dylan applied more pressure to the kiss, biting down on Addison's lower lip, and kissing so hard that Addison was promptly growing breathless. All she wanted was to forget who she was and just live in that moment with Dylan. She...fuck, she just wanted to be happy for once. Dylan broke away with a smile towards Addison and it was then that Addison realised that maybe she could do it, maybe she could just be happy.

"Was...was that ok?" Dylan asked. Addison nodded. "I know you're freaked out by all this but do you think we could try this?"

"And by 'this' you mean 'us'?" Addison asked. It was Dylan's turn to nod. "Yeah...I think we could try." Addison added with a smile. The smile that Dylan then gave her was blinding. He leaned in close and once again kissed Addison on the lips. "I... I could get used to this."

"Good, because I'm kind of hoping we can do this a lot."

"Me too. Not now though. I need to get back home."

"Oh..." Dylan said, his happy expression slipping away. It pained Addison to see. 

"I know it's stupidly late but... do... do you want to come back with me?" She asked tentatively. This time Dylan smiled and took Addison's hand. 

"Yeah sure." He said. Addison let out a rare smile and pulled Dylan close to her, their lips meeting once again for a chaste kiss.