Slight trigger warning for those who are uncomfortable with panic attacks, or abuse.
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The room was dark, but I could still see the little amount of furniture that was put in the room.

I couldn't sleep. How could I? This was my first night away from my family in... wherever I was. I didn't even know if my family was close by.

"My name is Ken Kaneki, nice to meet you miss L/N!"

Ever since I found out who Kaneki was, I've been having these weird flashbacks...er-not flashbacks, more like memory snippets.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't see you there! It's nice to see you again!"

I groaned, placing my forearm over my eyes. Where was all this coming from?!

I slammed the pillow on my face, hoping to suffocate. Unfortunately, nothing happened.

Sighing, I tossed and turned in the bed until I eventually fell asleep.

~~~

Kaneki sat by himself on the couch, a lukewarm cup of coffee in his hands. He brought the cup to his lips but instantly reeled it away once he tasted it, cringing.

"Ugh. Gross" he placed the cup on the table in front of him and put his elbows on his knees, covering his mouth with his hands.

Kaneki stared in front of himself blankly, his eyes not focusing on anything in particular. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, leaning against the back of the couch.

He stared at his hand, eyes glazing over the dark red, almost black color of his nails.

"He took my fingers and toes. Over and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and OVER!"

Kaneki gulped harshly before clenching his fists, his nails digging deep into his palm, drawing blood.

Growling, he picked up the coffee cup and threw it across the room in rage, the glass of the mug shattering as the brown liquid dripped down the wall and onto the floor.

The noise caught the ear of a purple haired female, and she walked in.

"What's got you throwing a tantrum?" Touka eyed the male, her eyes holding boredom. Kaneki glared at her before looking away. "Nothing. And I'm not throwing a tantrum".

Touka hummed "sure. Anyway, since you're done with your little rage fit, I came here to tell you that our scouts picked up on Aogiri's trail. They've reported that they should be around our area in about two weeks".

Kaneki put a hand to his chin, thinking "two weeks? They sure are taking their time with this attack." Touka shrugged "it gives us more time to get prepared. We need all the time we can get."

Kaneki nodded "it's a good thing I'm training her tomorrow" Touka furrowed her brows "training her? With what?"

"Remember those Quinques we stole from those CCG officers?" Touka nodded "I'm gonna give her one. See how she does with it." Touka looked shocked "what!? Are you crazy?! From what you told me, she barley knew how to use a Q-Bullet gun!" Kaneki held a neutral expression "and that's exactly why I'm going to train her, so she knows how to" Touka pinched the bridge of her nose and glared at the white haired male "if anything happens to her, I'll kill you."

Kaneki shrugged "go ahead, it's not like I already want to die" Touka groaned "you're so dramatic!" She sighed "take your suicidal ass and go to bed" she walked away, waving lazily.

Kaneki rolled his eyes and plopped back down on the couch. As much as he didn't want to, he needed sleep, even if it would bring nightmares.

Kaneki stood up and left to go to his bedroom. He dreaded going to sleep. He would only see their faces.

As he entered his bedroom, he sat on the edge of his bed, staring down at the floor while he held his head in his hands. He was exhausted, he knew that. He'd been exhausted for weeks. The lack of sleep seemed to take a toll on his mental health. Making it even more shittier than it already was.

"Kaneki! Let me take from you! Let me devour you!!"

"How far did you manage to count?!"

"I'll kill you! Kill you dead!! You're dinner!!"

Yamori's voice rang in his head. It had only been half a year since then and he couldn't get rid of his sickening voice. The way his digits were mutilated from his body, his own blood staining the floor in large puddles.

Kaneki's breathing grew heavy as he clutched his hair, pulling at the ivory strands. Every little thing reminded him of that time. Why couldn't he be rid of all this trauma?!

Tears began to slowly fall down his face and onto the floor as his upper body hunched over, looking in pain. Heartbreaking sobs echoed throughout the room. He suffered in silence.

'worthless'

'weird'

'dorky'

'coward'

'nuisance'

'waste of space'

'I should've died a long time ago'

'I want to die...'

'it all hurts...'

Kaneki's whole body shook as he cried. Maybe it was better if he ended everything... Surely people would be better off.

"You brat! You know I'm busy! Do you know how hard I work to provide for us?! How dare you ask for something you know we can't afford! You worthless child!"

"I'm sorry, mom! I'm sorry! Please stop hitting me mom! I won't do it again, I promise! I won't ask for anything! Please stop hitting me, mommy!!"

"Mom..." Kaneki let out a choked sob "help me...mom...".

Kaneki slid off the bed and onto the floor, curling himself into a ball, his painful cries were the only thing heard in the room.

'It'd be better if you were gone you son of a bitch'.

Kaneki let out more sobs as his nails clawed at the exposed flesh under the long sleeves of his shirt, tearing at it and ripping it out in chunks. The skin grew back as fast as it had been torn, but left multiple, ugly scars.

With tears streaming down his face, he stared at his bloodied arms in disgust. He was a monster, he knew that.

Kaneki leaned back against the matress and clutched his hair again, pulling at it, almost ripping it out of his scalp. He clenched his teeth. He felt like he was going insane.

He let out an agonized scream. Not enough to wake everyone in the hideout, but enough to wake the people that were near his room.

He panted, his chest rising and falling with every breath, or lack there of. His ears were practically ringing, and the sound of his own pulse and heartbeat pounded in his head.

Kaneki was having a full blown panic attack. The voices and whispers in his head seemed to get louder and louder with each painful breath he took.

Through all this agony, all this pain and lonelyness, no one came to help him.

They never did.

He suffered alone.

He would always be alone.

This chapter took a shit while to get out, and I know it's short, but I wanted this to get published.
I love writing angsty Kaneki. I feel like his mental health isn't really talked about alot in fanfiction, but it's a big part of his Character and I wanted to touch on it a bit.
I described in this chapter what I feel when having a panic attack. I hope it's ok, I haven't really had one in a few months so it's probably off a bit.
This fanfiction will go over the topic of abuse, trauma, and depression. Not just in Kaneki, but in the reader but some of the other Characters too. If you get triggered by that kind of stuff easily, then this story probably isn't for you.
Wow, this was a long ass authors note. Anyway, see you guys in the next chapter!
~Natalie
Word count:1324