There is an answer, some day we will know,
And you will ask her, why she had to go,
We live and die, we laugh, and we cry,
And you must take away the pain,
Before you can begin to live again ...

You know that saying that goes along the lines you'll never love again the way you did that first time ... yeah well for me I know that to be true, but then again. I met someone about a week or so ago prior to writing this. She is amazing, so beautiful. Yeah, yeah you may say reading this though it is true, her blonde hair bounces, her hazel eyes shine, her smile engulfs her entire face, and it is extremely contagious. When she smiles, I cannot help but turn to jelly and smile too.

Yeah, I know this will sound clichéd, but once again true for she really is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She is a wise lady, so wise I don't feel worthy to be in her company. See, I am more than just not worthy, I also feel guilty. A week is such a short period of time but hell I am so falling for her; I have fallen for her. I feel guilty because I also feel like I am cheating in some way or other when in fact I am not cheating.

We only get one soul mate in our lifetime, right? ... or so it goes. And this is if we are lucky enough to find one person you can find your soul mate. I cannot presume to think or believe anything but you wo is reading this right now may ask am as to if I about to leave or am I considering leaving my soul mate in the hopes of being with another soul mate. No, I can assure you that this is not so.

Something I am finding seriously difficult is not so much believing in myself but letting go and moving on. Fifteen years ago, while still being at school, I met Linda. Why she chose not only to talk to me but make me feel complete I do not know, I may never know but hell I am so glad she did. I also wish she never did.

We were both sixteen, she was six months older than me. We shared several classes though never really sat next to one another. She had this thing, especially before we properly got to know one another, where she would look over at me during class and when she did that, every time she did that, my insides ... well ... turned to jelly.

She too had a smile that was intoxicating, contagious. The classrooms we shared, when class ended, Linda often would leave the room first so she could get out ahead of me and wait for me to come out. A bit forward she was but not overly so, she still left it to me as to if anything could or would happen.

I was just sixteen, I never before had a girlfriend and Linda had her admirers, I knew that, but she wanted me? I had no idea why. As shy as I was, I just could not strike up a proper conversation, all it would have taken was for me to say hi upon leaving the classroom and say something that may require responding to but for such a long time I couldn't. If I was never to act, then I might never have been with her and I could not let that happen so one day I did stop to say hi with the hopes of there being more than just a hi.

It is only one word, two little letters but boy it was so difficult to get that word out. I did not have a stutter or anything like that, but I may as well have had. That first time, that first hi, it felt as if it took thirty minutes for me to say hi, most likely it took no more than ten seconds. Ten seconds can feel like an eternity in such a circumstance.

We did get to go out and I was the luckiest guy in school. We still didn't sit next to one another during class but when she threw me one of her looks, she turned me to jelly quicker than what she had done before we began going out.

The longer we were together the more in love we fell. I could not have thought that at all to be possible, it was, and I was almost expected to see the moment when it would begin to go downhill, or the moment where the love would ... change. It didn't. I loved her with all my heart, and she may me feel the love she had to give.

We were married at nineteen, hell who does that these days? It was completely natural; it was so the right thing to do, and our love continued to grow. You may be thinking you lucky so and so and I would not begrudge you that for right up to this day I know how lucky I was, how lucky I am. I could turn things on its head though and say how unlucky I am, this is just not the way I see it. ... Linda passed away eighteen months ago. I am not going into details as to what happened, safe to say I am devastated as is everyone who knew her.

Linda, what a special lady she was, what a special lady she is, she was and is my soul mate, my wife, and my everything. Linda and I, we never had any children and such is the regret. We thought we had all the time in the world. She will forever have my heart. Seven days ago, however, just seven days ago I met someone oh so special, my heart aches, and wouldn't you just know it, we met with a hi.

There is guilt. This other lady, her name Megan, Linda lives in my heart, and I cannot make room for another no matter even if I believe that Linda would want me to go on living, sure in some way she might just have sent Megan to me. In two days from now I am scheduled to meet Megan again. I won't lie. I would like to let her in though I am also fighting the thoughts of standing Megan up.

Those fifteen years or so ago I almost did not say hi to Linda so would I, can I leave Megan standing, waiting? She has her own life. She cannot be left waiting for me. Maybe it is not so much me carrying Linda with me, maybe she is carrying me right now to where I need to be.

In my position what would you do?

There is an answer, some day we will know,
And you will ask her, why she had to go,
We live and die, we laugh, and we cry,
And you must take away the pain,
Before you can begin to live again ...