He was punching my face, there was blood on the floor. He kicked my gut and pushed me on the wall, I hit my head on the wall. I was in pain and they were laughing. He knocked me on the floor with another punch.

"Now then, blondie. What does that feel like?" Those shadows of white boys looked down at me. I'll never let these rich maggots put me down. I rubbed the blood from my lips.

"This dude looks so creepy,"
"Hey dude, what do we call faggot in French? You're French, right?"
They laughed.
"Pas avant que tu suces ça, putain de pédé."
(Tn//Not before you suck on this, you fucking faggot)
"What does that mean?"

"HEY!"
"Shit, it's Harry!" They picked up their bags and ran away. Fucking cowards.
"COME BACK HERE!" Harry ran after them but they ran away. Harry turned towards me and took out a packet of bandages and cotton balls.

He soaked them in water and cleaned my wounds.
"That's why I told you to create a brain to mouth filter," Harry pressed a band-aid on the cleaned wounds.
"If you are telling me to lie, I won't." I had a strong French accent back then since America was new to me.

"That's why they bully you. You are in pain!"
"This pain? It's nothing. It's tolerable. How can anything be worse than your own parents ditching you?"

Harry looked at me, "Brandon, it's okay. I'll be your family,"
I looked aside, "This won't end well. I turn more bitter and toxic everyday,"
"Hey, I promise you that I'll always be there, even if you hurt me, I'll be there."

Liar.
You were never there.
Not once.
You always come when everything is over. Just to watch me in pain because you weren't there.

I realized you won't, so I would do that. I thought maybe I should be nicer to people. I started putting my hair up and I was friendly with everyone. I dated many girls.

But the memories I was making were beating me black and blue. But then, I met Kate,
"You are showing me your cleavage. Don't tell me you're doing it on purpose,"
And it was golden.

He was like the past me. The me that hadn't changed himself for other people. The me I wanted to forget so badly. I hated him. Why can he be someone I can't?

"You're short," That's the first thing I told him.
"Can't help if you're fucking statue of liberty,"
"That's what the mud beneath it says, I guess?" I laughed.
"Wow, you're fucking rude,"

You are rude too.

"Hey Kate, why does your face look so weird?"
"That's how it was made,"
"Are you sure your mother didn't eat something weird while she had you?"
Everyone laughed.
He wasn't laughing.

Maybe I went too far?

But what is this? I'm having the time of my life. I can say anything to anyone on their face and get away with it. Because now I have learnt...

What my face can do.

"Sup nigga! "
"Brandon! That's a racial slur, dude! We don't say that, we are white!" Harry shouted at me. But I didn't care.
"Shut up, nigga!"

"Nice ass, gurl!"
"Brandon, dude," They laughed. But I made that girl very conscious and uncomfortable after that. But I didn't care.

I met Anna.
She was this shy girl of the class. I figured she had a crush on me. I had never dated shy girls, what is that like?
"Hello Anna!"
"H-Hello,"
"Wow, you're uglier from up close. Fucking gloomy ass needy bitch, right?"

I guess I hurt her.
But hey, I don't care.

Besides, I helped her with her skin, taught her about makeup and fashion. And she was ready to go. We dated. I could treat her however I wanted, after all, she owed me and loved me.

"Anna, why is Kate like this?" I asked her.
"He's like this since childhood. Ignore him, he's a headache,"
I smiled, "No wonder you're twins,"

Being with Kate , talking to him felt like I was talking to my past self. I never realized when I fell in love with my past self. I guess I'm the only one who likes him.

I'm special afterall.

"NO WAY! YOU LIKE KATE?!"
"I'll confess to him," Tres blushed.
"GOOD LUCK, GURL!"
What the fuck? Damn no, bitch.
"Why do you wanna date someone who fucks his dog?"
"No way!"
"Really?"

What the hell have I done?

They laughed at him. Bullied him.
Called him a zoophile or cracked practical jokes.
"Kate,"
"Don't ever come close to me, bastard,"

Kate started ignoring me.
"But I don't care,"
"You do, idiot," Harry said.

.

.

"Are you sure you need to go to school today? You still have a fever, you should rest," Dad said.
"It's fine, dad. I can't miss more classes," I slipped a foundation bottle into my bag.
I'll be needing it.

I got on the bus. Eyes filled with hatred and despair looked into mine. So, I looked down as I walked. A guy stopped me, "Get away, commoner cunt. You ain't sitting with us. Either sit on the floor or stand in a corner,"
I stood beside the door and looked outside. I was prepared for the worse.

As soon as I reached school, I waked towards my locker. I opened it and trash fell out of it. Letters, plastic bottles, all the waste from the dustbin. 
"Brandon Johnson,"
I turned back. It was a group white boys in Oscar de la Renta and Chanel. The kind I hated.

"Let's be vibin', shall we?"

It's happening again.

They were punching my face, there was blood on the floor and on their knuckles. 
I don't want to fight back.
I'm tired and it hurts. 

It hurts, mom. It hurts so much.
I wish I could tell you.
I wish you were here.
I wanna hug you.

I guess it's karma.

"HOW'S THAT, FAGGOT?! MY GIRL BROKE UP WITH ME CUZ SHE LIKED YOU, GUESS SHE IS DISILLUSIONED NOW WITH THE REST OF THE SCHOOL!"
"NOBODY LOVES YOU ANYMORE! THAT DREAM YOU LIVED IS OVER!"

I looked at them and smirked,
"Does it look like I care? I never asked people to love me and they'll forget it soon enough because in the end...Looks win over everything, and sad for you cuz you guys have none of it."
"BASTARD!"
Everyone will come back.

But not those people who genuinely cared about me.

Harry, they are hitting me.
Where are you? 
You always came for me in the past.
Then, where are you now, Harry?

I pressed a drop of foundation on my hands and dabbed it gently over my bruises.
"Brandon," I saw Kate inside the mirror. I turned back. He was standing behind me.
"How are you now?" He asked.

You are the last person I want to get involved with my past.

"Et si je t'éclate la gueule, espèce de pédale,"
(Tn// How 'bout I kick your ass, you fucking faggot?)
"BRANDON!" Harry came inside the bathroom with Jaden, "THAT'S SO RUDE! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ANYONE?! APOLOGIZE!"

"What did he say, Harry?"
"He called you a faggot,"
Kate smiled, "Now you know what it feels like...To be bullied." 

"Leave me alone," It isn't my first time.
"Till when? Don't you love me now?"
"...I don't,"
"Then, look me in the eyes and tell me you don't,"

I looked at my past me in him, "I don't love you and I never did."
"You're lying,"
"Think whatever you want to,"
"Brandon!" Harry grabbed my arm, "Hey, talk to us. We'll help you,"

"I don't need your help. I don't need you anymore."
He looked at the bracelets in my hand, "You're still wearing these bracelets,"
"It's fashion,"
"Brandon,"
"Can you please stop acting like you care? I COULD DISAPPEAR FROM YOUR LIFE AND IT WOULDN'T MATTER BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEW PEOPLE AROUND YOU!"
"BRANDON!"

I turned away and walked down the stairs into the class. I sat inside the class and looked at my hands. I slowly moved my bracelets away to look at the scars my childhood had left on me. Only Harry knew about these. 
I can't feel anything 
Or maybe I don't want to feel.

Elizzie Brown met me beside my locker.
"Why are you here?" I asked. Some football boys stood at a corner and threw footballs on my head. I don't know what was so funny about it but everyone was laughing.
"Did you like those videos I filmed?" 
"You posted them?" I asked.
"My filming skills have improved now,"

"Why did you do that?"
"Why? Cuz I fucking hate fake people like you,"
"Fake?"
"Narcissists don't have a soul,"

I got another ball on my face but this time, I caught it and threw it back on the guy's face who threw it. Everyone stopped laughing and stood quietly. MJ ran inside the halls,
"Brandon!" There was a huge crowd surrounding me. Harry was there, Kate was there, Jaden was there, MJ, Anna, Tres, everyone was looking at me.

"I'M NOT FAKE!" I shouted, "I TRIED TO CHANGE MYSELF AND MY PAST HAS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I WANTED TO CHANGE TO GIVE PEOPLE THE BEST VERSION OF ME, NOT TO BE SOMEONE I WASN'T! I'M TRYING TO BE A GOOD PERSON BUT NO ONE'S READY TO COOPERATE! LIKE WHY?! YOU DON'T HAVE TO THROW MY PAST ON MY FACE, I KNOW WHAT I DID AND I'M SORRY!" I started crying, "I'm sorry for hurting so many people, people who genuinely loved me and cared about me, for ignoring people who were there for me and moving closer to people who I wasn't interested in. I'm sorry to all the girls I've ever loved cause I really loved none of you. I'm sorry for not being a good friend, a good partner or a good human. I'm sorry for all the differences I created among people around me, for all the lies I've said, to all people I bullied emotionally and physically, I'm sorry. I lost my parents at a young age and I was traumatized. And I believed that if I was traumatized, I had the right to traumatize others but I was wrong. Please forgive me,"

Elizzie stared at me with the rest of the school.
Jaden walked towards me and hugged me gently. I honestly needed that.
It felt so good.
"Loving me must be so fucking hard and I'm so fucking sorry," I cried.
Jaden patted my back. 


I felt dizzy. My fever was rising again.

"Narcissts don't have a soul," Jaden said, "That's why they try to kill yours. But instead of blaming them for it...Why not understand them and give them a soul"
Harry looked at me, "Brandon!" 
"You always come when everything is over. Just to watch me in pain because you weren't there." I fainted on Jaden's shoulder.

"Let's get him to the nurse's office," I heard Jaden's voice.
I don't know how I got back home.
But it was nice feeling because when I woke up,

I felt like me again.
And it was wonderful. 

I lay on my bed that night with my guitar, staring at the ceiling, trying my best to not cry, because I knew that if I started crying again, I won't stop. So, I thought I'd sing myself to sleep.

https://youtu.be/EqevrqdmpWI

What is this...I can't sing anymore.
I want to cry.

Everything is over.

-To be continued

Brandon Johnson
All I Want is you baby