Have you ever felt that you want to get killed? But then, you don't have that courage to kill yourself so you just make a wish that some magical truck comes and hits your school bus while you are travelling to school, and only you are the one who died in that? I think of that a lot.

It took me four years to finally realize that this wont happen to me.

But how I wish it did. Because brother Louise is gay.
"You are gay?"
"I hate women,"
"But you don't look gay?"
"Should I wear a rainbow shirt?"
"That makes you gay?" Oh shit. I own a rainbow shirt. MOM GOT IT! I'll go home and burn it.

I'm not gay
I'm not GAY!

"You like a Brandon, okay. But you got a problem," I said.
"And that is?"
"Brandon only likes me!" I said.
"That's not even a problem." He chuckled, "I can make sure he likes me more," He said.

No you can't!
"Kate, I'll be having him. Stop me if you can,"
I can feel something inside myself. What am I supposed to do? Our hearts are so strange creatures. That's why I ripped it out! Don't ask me how I'm alive.

"Hehehe" One of the guys, who earlier had a knife and who seemed to be their boss, slowly got up, "You must think that you've won, but that's just not it," What's with them? They still want to fight? Just die already!

"We've even sent some of our boys to your house. Let's see what the big brother does when his little brother shouts for help," He started laughing.

"Oh no! Brother Louise" I said as I looked at Louise. He was clam, but something was different, he was grinning.
"I just feel so bad for you guys. I mean, how stupid can you be to think I wouldn't have trained my brother?" Louise said.

"What?"

"I'll pray for those guys who have gone to get my brother" Louise said, "Harry and Brandon are even better fighters than me," Louise smiled. Should I tell him that they're scared of ghosts?

We went back home. Louise said he wanted to smoke a bit more outside and told me to go ahead. I saw Harry come outside while dragging a man out of the house. Oh wow, I totally did not shit my pants.

I didn't guys, shut up.
That's nasty.

"And that was the last one, wasn't it?" Brandon stood at the door.
"I am going to sleep in Louise's room," Jerome went inside.

"That's why I told brother not to mess with weird people," Harry threw another guy out of the house where all other guys were lying in a pile. He looked at me, "Oh, you're back Kate?"

"Do you think I overdid it?" Brandon asked.
"No, they deserve it" Harry said.
"Thank god! I thought I overdid it cause I literally broke all the teeth of one guy and his mouth was full with blood and broken teeth,"

Yup I knew you overdid it.
"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO CONTROL THAT DAMNED STRENGTH OF YOURS?!" Harry shouted.

"Let's clean all this blood off of the floor" Harry said and I helped them. Louise was there soon and asked to sleep. We all went to our rooms. Jerome slept in Louise's room so I was to be sleeping with Brandon Johnson.

"If you want, I can sleep with Brandon," Louise offered. FUCK NO!
"No, I'll manage. Thank you for the offer," I quickly closed the door.

I don't why but
I don't want other people to like him like that.
AND I don't want him to like others like that either.
Am I being selfish guys?
Being toxic is the last thing I want from myself.

I try imagining him leave...

"Kate, I'm tired of following you around. I can't just keep on waiting for you forever. A hot chick just asked me out so I'll be dating her. Thank God I'm not gay! Anyways, Bye!"

...And it hurts to think that. I lay on my bed and looked at Brandon sitting on the bed beside me. He was applying his kiwi kiss lipbalm. How many of those does he have?!

But, no matter how hard I try, thinking about Brandon leaving... just makes me so sad. What do I want?

Do I want him or I don't? I can't keep him hanging forever. I looked at him. Am I going to miss these moments? Because you know...Love can grow old too.

So, do I like Brandon? Manicured fingers, red knuckles, shiny hair, blonde eyelashes, soft lips. Not having these to me seems like such a...waste a time.
"Erm, Kate?" Brandon looked into my eyes. I realised I was on his bed, sitting between his legs. I pressed my thumbs on his cheeks and my fingers on his jaw.

I turned red. What was I doing? He smiled nervously, "Erm, your lips must be dry. You want some too?"
So, Brandon Johnson can be caught off guard too? What an interesting expression.

"Yes," I crossed my legs and sat in front of him. He pressed the lip balm on my lips and pushed through my red, dry skin. I looked at his chest move as he breathed. His fingernails were pink and his eyes were fixed on my lips, "You don't use that moisturiser, do you? I'm surprised how they are not chapped,"

His voice, his scent, his breath, his skin, his touch.

"There, done," He smiled and moved  away. I grabbed his T-shirt.
"Kate?"

Why does a guy like this likes me?
"I'm not worthy of you." I said.
"Why do you think that?"
"Because...You're so perfect and I'm not,"
He took a deep breath, "You're so hung up on your flaws. Alright, why do you think I'm perfect?

"You're tall,"
"I like short people."

"You are good at everything,"
"I suck at gardening,"
"Well, you are good at studies,"
"You can be too if you study regularly,"
"You're popular,"
"Hah, they just run after me because I look good."
"Exactly! You look good!"
"If we eat properly, exercise and take care of our skin, everyone can look good,"

"Honestly, I feel like...Looks shouldn't matter—" 
"They shouldn't but they do," Brandon said, "Everyone will see how you look. The first thing they notice is obviously the outside, we can't see the inside. I would say "looks don't matter" but I don't mean it in context of the society but in life. When you are ugly, approaching other people is much more difficult, but you get people who are really nice, even on the inside.

When you are good looking, everyone just comes at you, which includes envious and fake people. I do understand that both have bad things but generally being ugly is worse. I've met horrible people with a pretty face that's why I want to be with someone who is pretty on the inside."

...What more should I say?

"You're rich?"
Wow Kate. As if you're not.
He looked at his feet, "Brandon?"
"I'm not really rich," He chuckled.
"Brandon, Kerlin County is a private high school. Only the rich can afford it,"
"I'm a scholarship student. So, I don't pay my tuition fees or I wouldn't be able to afford it,"

"I didn't know that. So, that's why you're so good at studies!"
Brandon smiled.
I don't know him at all. I'm seriously just such a jerk.

"Ugly hearts with pretty faces. Weren't you one of them too, Brandon?"
What am I saying? But I like this question. Face this, Brandon Johnson!

"I'm sorry." He looked sad.
"I'm glad you're not toxic anymore,"
Why am I like this? It's like I hurt him over his past mistakes again and again. He began crying.

"WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!" I shouted.
I'm very awkward around crying people.
"I just imagined you leave and then tears just flowed," He continued crying. Just hearing him say that made my chest feel tight.

I can't believe I'm letting down my defences.
"Brandon,"
I am an idiot.
He looked at me. I leaned towards him and grabbed his face, "Stop crying,"
I kissed him on his forehead.

What the fuck are you doing, Kate? Why the fuck are you kissing a guy? I felt awkward and seriously wanted to laugh. A forehead kiss. Brandon's a dog now. So I moved back and clenched my lips so that my laugh doesn't leaks out. Seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

"Kate," Brandon said and my laugh vanished in seconds.
"Yes?" Now came the next phase of embarrassment. I looked at my hands because I could not look into his eyes.
I FUCKED UP MY FIRST FOREHEAD KISS! OH MY GOD, BITCH, WE NEED A VENTILATOR AND VENTILATE THE FUCK UP!

"What should I take this as? Do you like me or you feel pity?"
What did I get myself into?
"Erm, I started learning the bass,"
Kate, sweetie,
STOP COCKBLOCKING YOURSELF!

Brandon did NOT look happy.
I cleared my throat, "It wasn't pity."
"Then, why did you kiss me?"
"Because you were crying and I didn't know how to stop you,"
"So, you kiss every guy who starts crying before you?"
"No,"

"Then, why did you kiss me?"
"Just say you didn't like it!"
"Yeah, you are pretty bad at it,"
"Tch! Well sorry, prince,"
"It's alright, peasant. I can teach you. Next time, I want it on my lips,"

"No thanks!" He grabbed my hands and pinned me on his bed, "I SAID NO THANKS!"

"But why not? The feeling is mutual, the bed is ready and I'm ready to do it" Precisely everything you need in a relationship with Brandon.

"You are always ready!" I shouted.
"I'm confident,"
"But I'm not!"
"You're panicked?"
"Yes, exactly!"

"It's okay. I think I'll do with one kiss for a while" He lay beside me.
"So, you're learning the bass?"
"Yes,"
Oh shit, my amp! It must have come home by now! I'M SO EXCITED TO MEET HIM!

"Malcolm's teaching you?"
"How do you know?"
"He is the only bassist in the entire school,"
"No way,"
"Yes way. Most people prefer electric guitars since they are cooler."
"I love the sound a bass makes. Guitars give me a headache,"

Brandon laughed and closed his eyes, "I feel very sleepy, goodnight,"
"Fuck you!"
He smiled, "I will, once the time comes. We aren't ready for that,"

Brandon just acts immature but in reality—He is actually very mature. He knew what he was doing. I looked at him while feeling that I'm slowly dozing off. Now I think I know why it never worked out with anyone. It was meant to be him, from the very beginning.

I didn't know we slept
While holding hands.

When I got up in the morning, Brandon held my sweatshirt gently. I turned to see if he had woken up, but he was still sleeping. Guess he moves in sleep, "Kate," Oh, he even talks in sleep! How creepy!

"I love you," He murmured. I turned into a tomato.

He's creepy, y'all!

-To be continued

Kate Roberts
All I Want is you baby