Mum and I spend almost all of the remaining evening decorating the new room to be as comforting as we can make it, so maybe I'll be able to sleep in a proper bed come nightfall. I attend the stupid politics class, and I make an excuse about the teacher's background check, so that Asher is allowed to sit in with him. I think he learned more than I did, and he passed me at least twelve notes with little scribbles of questions he wanted me to ask the tutor.

Afterwards, exhausted, I collapsed into my bedroom, and even if sleep still didn't come to me, I felt safer somehow. I had to hide from Asher, who could see me from his balcony, when I went outside to read by the little light from the lamp out there. I made my way through the majority of The Great Gatsby for the millionth time, and remind myself to collect some new books from the library for nights like these.

In the morning, my grandmother wakes me up bright and early to alert me of the hospital appointment that Emilio had set up for me back in London. I had forgotten, and so had Asher and so we flew across the city in an agency car, and just about made it on time. The positive to our lateness meant that my grandmother hadn't had time to object when I wore a hoodie and tied my hair up.

The doctor said the shrapnel hasn't moved from my trip back in London last week, but it definitely did move from my attempts at gymnastics on our couch. I called myself stupid and tried not to cry, but Emilio reminded me that I can't live my entire life afraid to roll over in bed and do myself some harm, even if that is my reality.

Usually I hate these appointments, but this time it's not so bad, because I have a mother to come home and tell the news to.

When they called in the orthopedic surgeon Asher really went pale and (thankfully) quiet. In between the x-rays, he stepped out to call his superior, and within minutes there were a few more agents with tape recorders and notepads to get the full breadth of my injuries. My grandmother sent through orders to have me able to walk in church tomorrow no matter what.

It shocks me, at one point while I'm laid down on a hospital bed in a gown that covers all of me to protect royal dignity, and Asher is flipping through some protocols on his phone, that tomorrow is Coronation Day. More importantly, even though Asher disagrees, tomorrow is Christmas. Meaning today is Christmas Eve, and we've done nothing to celebrate.

I try convince Asher to let us ditch the rest of the appointment and do something to get us in the spirit, but he's so close to finishing the hardest assignment of his career without fucking up, he's not listening to me one bit. I considered making a run for it, like I did this morning, but Asher purposefully took my clothes to prevent this exact plan.

I think it's funny that he still doesn't realise quite how far I'll go for the Christmas spirit. If I have to show the entire country my butt cheeks to make myself feel festive, I will.

Instead, he brings me a gingerbread hot chocolate and calls my mum to ask if she'll throw a few decorations up before I get back. He does this out in the hall, but I've been listening in on his conversations all morning, this is just the first one I care about.

And mum's secretly done just that when I get back. She meets me in the kitchen for lunch and I tell her the results, and pretend not to notice the glitter and paint on the hands of Adanna and Tegean as they fuss over their meal. Lars' here with Ansel too, and he even goes as far to hug me when I say hello, which I can't say has ever happened before.

Mum raises her eyebrows, oblivious and impressed, even more so when Lars remembers to ask how my appointment went. Asher however, frowns at his sudden acceptance of me. Dad walks past mid awkward hug and has to double back to check what's happening.

Dad's carrying a box and when Lars is finished with whatever the hell he just pulled, he asks us to follow him up. I trudge up the stairs after him, noticing the way that my back aches from being prodded all morning with latex hands and hard metal instruments. I have a feeling that they're going to want to operate soon, even though it will be their seventh attempt with the same outcome, and just one more scar.

'What's in the box?' I ask him, and Asher behind me does the infamous impression from 'Seven' under his breath before chuckling to himself. I make a mental note that he finally likes something, even enough to remember and quote it. Something that's not ACS protocols or Thorne rulebooks.

I pause a second. I really hope my father isn't carrying a decapitated head in a box. Those days of his youth are supposed to be behind him.

'You'll see.' My father hums to himself as he sways from side to side with the apparent heaviness of the package, 'Oh Bon, did you want to show Marzia something first? I apologise for bulldozing.'

I try not to feel the nostalgia with my father's nickname for my mother, and not for the first time, I imagine what life might be like if they had made it work. Maybe Adanna, Tegean and Ansel would've come along anyway, and just had a different father and coloured eyes. If mum wanted six kids all along, couldn't she have had them with dad?

It wouldn't be a guarantee, but I let myself indulge in the idea for a moment. Dad has always treated the kids as his own, even though they're the product of his wife not loving him anymore. I think he does it so that he doesn't forget what it's like to have children altogether, given that his are dead, missing, and only recently returned.

For the millionth time since I left him, I remember that while I had Emilio, and mum had Lars, when Chris died, and Charlie vanished, and I left, dad really was left all by himself. He worked as many hours as were in the day and more to make sure we were cared for, and happy through those stupid meetings I resented, when no one could do that for him.

I lean over mid walk and wrap my arm around his chubby torso. He responds by a kiss on the head that is clumsy with his footsteps, but strongly felt by both of us anyway.

'Yes, only quickly. I'm interested in what you're planning too.' Mum smiles, and turns her two girls down the corridor towards my new bedroom. I wonder if she's flirting with him on purpose, or whether there's still some part of her that is completely in love with my dad that sometimes needs letting out. Lars seems oblivious to their little inconsistent conversations.

Dad puts the box down gently by the top of the staircase, and follows as we trudge down the corridor. I don't know how I feel about my bedroom not being opposite Chris' anymore, but I remind myself that for most of my life, my bedroom has been in another country, and his is now in the ground, and so the separation might do me some good.

Mum swings the door open and I am pulled in by Tegean yanking on my arm. There's some glitter left in her hair that mum is going to have to work hard to get out before tomorrow. The papers might have one or two things to say about my mother attending her ex-husbands coronation, but he wouldn't be where he is without her, so the whole family only sees it as completely fitting, and I hope the cameras might too.

In the short time I was at the hospital mum has strung strands of tinsel along the bedframe, hung lights around door frames and the mirrors, and there are little paintings on cards stuck around the vanity that are still wet from their creation by two little girls. I notice that mum has lined up three pieces of card that she has somehow framed beside the bed, with each child's little handprints in. I try my best not to tear up.

'Did you do this?' I ask, throwing Tegean up on my hip and she nods, and proceeds to give me a detailed tour of all of the things they'd done, with Adanna adding anything her little babbling mouth missed out. I turn to my mother, in the middle of Tegean waving her hands out and mouth, 'thank you.'

She smiles and gives me a quick nod, and bounces Ansel to keep him from grumbling. Lars is even standing with a look of content on his face by the doorframe, and I wonder what has finally gotten into him. Has it taken him all this time to finally accept me? Maybe I should've shown up at a Moreau clan rally back when she first married him.

'Wanna see my tiny contribution?' Asher asks, taking my hand and leading me over to where there is a photograph of Chris, Charlie and I hanging just beside the balcony. At first, I don't know what he's referring to, and then I see the small drawing of a yellow umbrella just above it, 'I know it's not red like the one you painted at home, and nowhere near as artistic, but I can't paint and your favourite colour is yellow, so.'

I suddenly get the meaning behind the little picture. He's attempted to recreate the painting that Emilio and I had done back home, the artistic interpretation of the photograph of me in Paris last year. Not only that, there is an unspoken connection to my brother, who must have kept that photo of me, considering he sent it over to scare us last week. He's done the yellow because I told him it was my favourite colour, and he remembered, and even managed to fall asleep underneath that fluorescent shade.

'Is this what you were doing when you excused yourself at lunch?' I ask and he nods cheerfully. I wonder when he thought of this, when I was in the MRI machine maybe? Where did he get the yellow paint? Does he know the impact this has on me? He must, but in case he doesn't, I hug him tightly.

'My turn?' My father questions and I nod and so he darts back out into the hall to get the box, like a child on Christmas. Technically it's almost Christmas, and if you wanna get really specific about it, my father is a tiny boy trapped in a big man's body when it comes to the holidays.

The unusual family that I've collected over the last six years follows my bounding father into the living room down the hall to find the biggest Christmas tree I've ever seen in my life, and that's saying something considering we used to attend Christmas balls all the time when I was younger in castles all over the world that were twice the size of my fathers.

There's already lights draped between the branches, considering it must have taken many people and more than one stepladder, as well as a lot of free time. There's also tinsel weaved among it so that the red and gold reflections bounce between the walls and mirrors and windows.

Adanna gasps and has to tilt her head back so far to see the top of the tree that she looks like she's going to fall over backwards. I realise that dad isn't carrying the only box, but in fact the last box and piles it with a multitude of others in the corner. Ansel claps his hands on cue, but with absolutely no reasoning behind it, other than he enjoys the noise, I've learned.

'Dad it's huge!' I say as I circle it, taking more than a few seconds until my grinning family comes back into view.

'Percy, this is wonderful, thank you.' My mother says, rubbing his arm in appreciation. I go to clock Lars' face, but he doesn't even flinch, instead he just bends down and picks up Tegean so she can grab at some of the branches. Did someone put something in his coffee this morning? I swear, he's an entirely different man to the one I thought I knew.

'We weren't originally going to get a real tree, but with a lot of persuasion, the maids finally agreed. The deal means I have to promise to sweep up all the little needles that fall off, but that's a problem for another day.' He grins, rubbing his hands together. They're red from carrying the boxes but it just seems like he's eager to get going in decorating.

'Ready to get started?' My mother asks and as if waiting for it to be acceptable, my father dives into one of the boxes and I have to hold myself back from laughing. Mum sits Ansel down on the rug and he instantly begins to crawl around and makes his way under the tree in no time.

Adanna and Tegean are busy being handed baubles by my father and so they miss when Lars whispers to my mother that Ansel is the best Christmas gift. He then corrects himself, saying that all of his children are gifts, and proceeds to wrap little bows around his daughter's waists. He tries to put one on Ansel's wrist, but he drools on it too much to stick.

I toss a little bag of candy canes over to Asher, who slips his tie over his head and throws it onto the couch arm, before rolling up the sleeves of his shirt and undoing the top few buttons. I decide my time would be best spent on the ornaments from when I was a kid. There's a snowman, and Santa Claus, and reindeers everywhere by the time I reach the bottom of my box.

Then, just underneath a paper bag of glitter baubles, something catches my eye. I move them into my hands gently, and gaze down at the little words carved into the wooden signs being held up by blue snowmen. My father looks over and appears by my side. My mother, as if somehow feeling my heartache, puts a gentle arm around my shoulder.

'They're with us.' She says, nudging me so lightly that I hardly feel it.

Christopher. Charles. Marzia.

Little painted inscriptions on little handles that belong to Snowmen we used to hang right at the top of the tree when we were children. I rest my head on my father's shoulder and hold my mum's hand.

'Can we put them up?' I ask, looking between them, 'At the top, like before?'

'We can try,' My father says, looking hauntingly up at the height of the tree, 'It's very tall. Maybe I should've picked a slightly smaller one.'

'No, I have an idea.' I grin.

In theory, my plan was solid. If I was on Asher's shoulders, mum on Lars', and Adanna on dad's, we might have made a similar kind of height to the tree, at least, taller than we would've with the step ladders that had already been packed away.

The reality of this gymnastics was however, a lot more complex than we'd originally anticipated. Mum helped Adanna onto dad's shoulders, coming very close while doing so, to the absolute calm reaction of Lars who laughed as she squealed. That was the easiest, setting up an evil false expectation for the rest of us.

Mum's tight dress is accidentally hoisted higher up her thigh than supposed to be worn, and I catch dad forcing himself not to look, while Lars steadied her by grabbing her legs tightly. The pair try not to laugh but can't help themselves when mum accidentally pokes a manicured nail into Lars' eye while holding his head to keep her balance.

'Your turn Z!' Lars shouts over the chaos of mum and Adanna's attempts to stay upright, with a smile on his face that undeniable. We're maybe not all he hoped for in his family, but we're his family nonetheless, and for the first time, he starts to feel like the stepdad mum promised he would be.

'Are you sure you're not going to hurt your back?' Asher asks worriedly, as he helps me up onto the sofa to get me to the highest vantage point.

'I can't be afraid for the rest of my life. Come on Thorne, surely you've been waiting for the past six years for an excuse to 'accidentally' drop me.' I wink. He shakes his head, but can't hide his ridiculous smile. I hope this is something he remembers when he goes home. I like the idea of him and Miss Van Doren decorating a tree next year, with a memory of me alongside it.

He turns around and holds his hands out backwards. He crouches down and I stand on my tip toes, the foot height difference between us becoming a burden. I slip one leg between his neck and upright arm, and grip both of his hands as tight as I can. With a mini jump and reassurance from Asher's stiff back, I swing my other leg up and he stands up, both of us completely satisfied with our achievement.

There are cheers from around the room and Tegean claps us all. She fussed a little about not being on someone's shoulders, but she's too small for our aim, and I promised she could have a go just as soon as we were done. Plus, she had the important job of handing out the little snowmen with my brother's names on. I, of course, got my own.

Adanna holds Charlie's gently, and mum was handed Christopher's by Tegean who was now bouncing around on the sofa. With a countdown from Tegean that wasn't entirely numerically correct, Asher, dad and Lars take wobbly steps towards the tree. Adanna whoops, but mum shrieks about how maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

I keep one hand tightly in Asher's, and he keeps his remaining arm around my thigh, holding onto my other ankle as best he can to keep me on his shoulders. He seems calm, and collected and I can tell his agency training is the cause of this strength. I reach out and hang the little snowman as high as I can, with the only hand I don't hold Asher with.

Mum hangs hers beside mine and after a few missed attempts at other branches, eventually Adanna puts Charlie's between the two, so our little snowmen figures are in age order. They're all the same size, and it occurs to me that this isn't right. I am almost as old now, as Chris was when he died, and Charlie is older than his older brother.

It's not right, none of it. But I'm not experiencing my sadness on my own. Mum plays the memories of this exact moment when we were children over in her head, you can see it in her eyes, and dad has tears in his waterline, even more prominent with the flashing Christmas lights dancing in his irises.

Asher rubs his thumb along my thigh with the quiet and for a moment, we all look at the ornaments and remember a time when this was taken for granted. If I am as truly faithful in the idea of seeing Chris again, I shouldn't be sad. But the idea that I might not shakes me, and I try my best to keep his face right in my mind's eye.

'I love you, Chris.' My mother whispers, more to herself than any of us. But we hear it, and after a few quiet seconds, she continues, 'Thank you for teaching me a love I had never felt before, the love that I now have for your siblings, and every part of you I see in them.'

'Thank you for being the big brother of the century, and the best son of the whole entire world,' My father says from his place beneath mum and I, 'We think of you everyday, and you're with us every minute.'

'I love you Chris.' Adanna says and almost topples when she leans forward to kiss the snowman on his carrot nose. Mum giggles through her tears and Lars aids my father by putting a hand on his shoulder. I don't expect him to say anything, but he does.

'I didn't get to know you half as much as I would've liked to bud, but I'm very grateful for the time that we did get, no matter how fleeting or rocky it might have been.' Lars says and mum kisses him when he tilts his head back to smile at her.

'Love you!' Tegean shouts from where she is still jumping around and swinging tinsel so that little glitter particles get everywhere. I bet dad is going to regret agreeing to sweep up in here afterwards. I don't think she knows who she is talking to, but I bet Chris would appreciate it no matter what.

I sense it is my turn to say something, but despite the amount of times I have dreamt what I would say to my brother if I saw him again, no words spring to mind. I have spent hours at home writing a eulogy that I would never get to read to him, and dreaming of conversations we have when we're finally together again, but I don't remember a single one of them. So instead, I lean forward and run my fingers along the letters that make up the name that he doesn't have anymore.

'I'm sorry I didn't do enough Chris.' I sniffle. I know dad wants to tell me I'm wrong, but he doesn't. Whether it's because he knows it's true, or just thinks it's not the right time, I don't know. 'I hope I'm making you proud. I can't wait to see you someday. Wait for me wherever you are, okay? I miss you.'

My voice breaks as if I'm just learning the word 'miss' for the first time, and the syllables are still foreign to me. I'm reduced to a child without an understanding of the pain in my chest for him. Asher turns his head and kisses the back of my hand gently and quietly so that no one else notices, and then squeezes my fingers. I take a rattling breath.

'I love you, Chris.'

It's not everything I wanted to say, not even by a tenth. But for now, it's all that needs to be said. Adanna holds my hand and mum nods at me, recognising that I don't need to say the things aloud that I feel in my soul, because no matter where my brother is, the cemetery, Rosie's kitchen wall, or right here in this snowman, he understands everything I need to tell him.

He was there when I needed to say them for the first time, and he's heard them again for the hundredth. He's argued with me about some of it, and maybe I've made him sad once or twice. But he's listened, and he's heard and even though he's never said anything, and will never say anything again, he tells us all, right then that he loves us too.

I hold Asher's hand as he sits down on the sofa and leans my body onto the cushions carefully. I flop my head onto his shoulder and tap his chest gently to say thank you for his help. He seems to understand, because he rests his hand on top of mine for a moment and places a very delicate kiss on the top of my head.

Lars kneels and mum steps down from his shoulders, and helps Adanna onto the floor. She takes a step back and holds her daughter's hands as we all gaze up at the tree, covered in tinsel and lights and ornaments.

'Is it just me,' I say hesitantly, 'Or is it crap?'

There's an echo of laughter from around the room, as we all come to the same conclusion. There's only decorations on the lowest third of the tree and then three odd snowmen right towards the top. The ornaments are wonky and some of the baubles have fallen to the floor. Ansel has one in his chubby hands, and I have to say, it looks shit.

But I've also never felt as Christmas spirit-y as I do right now.

'I believe we discussed the swearing yesterday,' My mother says, shaking Tegean's hand to remind me of her age, 'But yes, I agree. It's possibly the worst Christmas tree I've ever seen. But I love it.'

'I hate to break up this wonderful Christmas moment,' Lars says, picking Ansel up who grumbles when his bauble falls to the floor, 'But you have a party to go to, and I have some children that need feeding and putting to bed.'

I roll my eyes. I had almost managed to forget this bash they're throwing for my grandad tonight. I'm dreading having to wear a dress, but at least my cousins will be there, and Jesse and Jonah are finally over from Belgium, and Emilio is flying over as we speak to meet us there.

'I'll go get ready.' I say standing up and leaving Asher to sit up and collect his tie. He ruffles his hair and adjusts his glasses on his thin nose. Mum looks over at me and tries not to grimace. I decide that after everything she did for me yesterday, I owe her something in return, 'You wanna pick my outfit mum?'

'I'll have to make a quick call to Ernesto first; he has to approve all of your outfits in advance, but I think I have the perfect idea.' She tells me, and I vaguely remember my grandmother mentioning that he got daily correspondence about my outfits. I heard he snapped a pencil when he heard I wore a hoodie to my hospital appointment yesterday. I don't mind the image so much.

Mum grins and takes a moment to kiss her children goodnight before disappearing off towards my bedroom to find something that both her and I can agree on. Lars waves us goodbye with Ansel's slobbery wrist and Adanna and Tegean give me a hug before disappearing down the corridor towards a car dad asked Humphrey to call for them.

'Marzia, could I have a quick word before you go?' My dad asks, putting away the scraps of tinsel that didn't stick to the tree. I look around and realise quite how much cleaning he has to do, even though he's gonna be busy legally becoming king tomorrow.

Asher smiles at me as he leaves, and doesn't sense the little mystery in my father's voice. I walk back over to him and he sits me down on the sofa. I look at him and he tucks his glasses into the top of his shirt and smiles. He smiles, he's pleased about something? This is new.

'I had a meeting with my head of security this morning, you remember Gamache.' I wonder if he's about to tell me I'm allowed to come home for definite, even though we agreed we'd wait until a week after I'd left to double check, 'The Bowen Report came back, I thought you might like to tell Emilio.'

My blood runs cold, and dad smiles with his complete oblivion. My heart aches to see Emilio and imagine the conversation that we'll have to have when I tell him. I know, no matter what the results that this will be painful for him.

'He passed?' I ask timidly, praying that it'll be good news, even though I don't know what good news might be. If he's failed, will it crush him, but if he's passed, I imagine it could hurt even more.

'He passed!' My dad claps once and then puts a hand on my knee, 'Emilio's going to meet us at the party, so I thought it would be the perfect time to tell him. Would you like to, or shall I tell him myself? I bet it's not often that boy hears good news living with you.'

'I'll figure something out, thanks dad.' I say, giving him a quick hug, before he tottles away to go get himself ready for a party where he's the guest of honour.

I take a big breath and lean back in my chair. Emilio's going to be crushed, and I take a moment to try and figure out how on earth I can tell him without breaking his heart all over again. It takes me a minute, and then it hits me. I don't have to tell him, because there's someone who can do it for me.

I pull out my phone and dial the number that I remember as dad's head of security. I haven't seen him since I was twelve, and for a moment I doubt whether or not he'll even answer the phone, but then his professional, albit confused voice comes down the receiver.

'Gamache Ferrus, who am I speaking with?'

'Gamache, it's me, Marzia.' I say and am about to carry on with my very time sensitive request when he makes a slight noise of confusion and scuffling, probably checking the number to see if I am who I say I am. He comes back after a second.

'Your Highness, how may I help you? Are you in any trouble?' He says, and I can tell that he's confused as to how to handle me, considering I'm now kind of an adult and the last time he talked to me, all he had to do was offer me a candy from his desk and I'd shut up.

Politely, of course.

'I'm not in any trouble, but I really need your help.' It takes me a moment to explain and once I mention the Bowen Report, and how much it'll hurt Emilio, he appears more than willing to help. He's been friends with Emilio for a long time considering how often they need to talk about me, and he's the first person we went to with the Bowen Report in the first place.

Once I've explained everything, I hear him sigh and know that doesn't sound good, 'I appreciate what it is you're trying to do Marzia, and I think it's unbelievably kind, but logistically, I don't think I can get him on a plane over in time for the party, if he even agrees to come at all. Big men in fancy government suits might scare him too much.'

'Please, I know I can make this happen. I just need you to get him on a plane and get him up to the family palace and I know I can make this easier for everyone.' He still doesn't sound convinced of my plan, 'Mr Ferrus, you've known Emilio for how many years?'

'About eleven or twelve,' he says hesitantly, and I forget that Leo was one of the most achieving agents before he got lumbered with me. There must have been plenty more times than I realised that led to these two becoming friends.

'In that time, has he ever asked you for anything? Ever?' I take his long silence as a no, and give it a last attempt to convince him, 'Emilio didn't get this, because of me. He could've had everything he ever wanted, and he turned it down because he didn't want to be someone else who left me. I have to say thank you to him for that. Please.'

This time, the sigh sounds like a winner, 'I will try my best, I promise. I'll send agents over there now and get someone to alert you with updates at the party.' He pauses, 'He might say no Marzia, you know that, don't you? There's only so much convincing we can do. We cannot force him onto a plane.'

'He'll say yes, I know he will. Just mention my name.' I say and quickly before hanging up, I remember, 'Don't forget to call me Raine, or you'll confuse him. He's never met the princess of Alania before.'

*

It's another hour and a half before everyone is ready and has made it out of the house. The party is already in full swing, despite none of the royal family actually in attendance yet. We're delayed a little further by security ensuring that the palace is completely secure before we go in, to make sure that we can walk about freely when we're inside.

I say freely, but I still have to have Asher stuck to my hip.

I resist the urge to play with the sniffer dogs once more, and security guide us inside, and then disperse, as if they're not going to be running around on high alert all evening. I've heard that in preparation for tomorrow, everyone's been warned to be on their best lookout. It'd be a huge bummer on dad's big day if I died only a few hours before.

We enter the ballroom fashionably on time and it's only a few more minutes until the rest of the extended family are here, including the two cousins I didn't get to see yesterday.

Jesse and Jonah, I'm informed are just changing from the clothes they flew over in, into the suits their mother has picked out for them, so I skip across to one of the bedrooms, and knock. I hear one of them shout for just another minute, and while they finish up, I realise I really can't tell the difference between their voices anymore.

Eventually, Jesse pops his head around the door as he finishes smoothing down the lapels on his jacket. His face breaks out into a wide smile and he flings the door fully open and for the first time since I reunited with a family member, I get to crush him into a hug, rather than the other way around.

He lifts me from the ground and squeezes me tightly a couple of times too hard before he puts me back down and hooks my head into a headlock, kisses the top of my hair a few times as I struggle against the strength he didn't seem to have last time I saw him.

'My hair!' I shriek, 'Ernesto will kill me!'

Jesse lets go instantly and takes a step backwards, 'Who are you and what happened to the princess? Remember, the one who would never wear a dress, and has never ever cared about her hair.'

'Oh shut up you hypocrite,' I shove his chest, 'From what I remember, you swore blind you would never leave Alania for anything and what, now you live in Belgium? That's more of the royal disgrace than me I think.'

'Are you going to banish us, Your Highness?' Jonah says from behind me and gives me a hug that is much less aggressive than that of his brothers. Jonah has always been the more reserved brother, and doesn't feel the need to choke someone to death to remind them that they've been missed.

'Only if I get to come too.' I reply, rolling my eyes at the dress mum has chosen on a particularly painful video call with Ernesto.

Of all of his attempts over the years, this one isn't the worst. It's dark blue and fitted all the way down to my hips, where it branches outwards a little towards my feet. It makes walking kind of hard, but because it reaches the floor, mum didn't insist on me wearing heels that were too high, so it was a compromise I was willing to accept.

I didn't realise it before, but everything that comes anywhere near me is pre-approved by Ernesto, with colour palettes and designs specifically tailored for every event that they expect me to be attending. He even made sure that the comfy clothes in my cupboard were at least someway suitable, and I remind myself to thank him for leaving Christopher's jersey behind for me, when I know how much he will have wanted to toss it.

'Come on, we'd better go find Rosie before she sends out a search party for you.' Jonah says, guiding us back to the ballroom where we're all expected. Just as we reach the steps, I feel my clutch bag vibrate and try to find a way to escape to check if there's any updates from Gamache like he promised. I hesitate, considering the news could be bad.

Jesse takes us over to where Rosie and my father are having a conversation and I take a minute to accept to myself how weird this is. I haven't seen these two together since I've been home, and not at all in the entire time I've been gone. And here they are, chatting away and laughing like no time has passed, which I guess, it hasn't for them.

Jesse inserts himself into a conversation about his job with my grandfather and Jonah disappears to get the both of us a drink. Dad only stopped talking to Rosie for a second to remind him to only get me champagne, the allocated drink for the princess-to-be, even if she's not eighteen for a few more days.

I decide now is the perfect time to quickly check my phone, considering I'm only half listening to both conversations, and neither is really concerned for me. There's a text, but it's not from Gamache, instead it's from Emilio and it reminds me quite how excited I am to have him here with me. He might not be an heir, but he's undoubtedly my brother.

He's sent me a photograph of him dressed in a suit so fancy I can't imagine it existing inside our little apartment back home, and he's got a huge grin on his face, telling me he's only a few minutes out. I put the phone back, but first double check I haven't got any missed calls to ease my anxiety.

'You okay?' Asher asks as he comes wandering over. He's been gone doing a security perimeter check with the other agents, and it seems he's finished. He peers over my shoulder at where I'm nervously tapping my phone and frowns a little.

'Yeah, fine.' I dismiss, 'Just can't wait for Emilio to get here.'

'I'm excited to see him again,' Rosie says, edging her way into our conversation, 'We've heard so many wonderful things about him, and I haven't seen him since he was a boy!'

'Don't worry, he hasn't grown much. He's still not hit six foot.' I smile back and she chuckles a little, but I notice even now how much more polite and reserved she is as soon as we're in public.

'Asher, lovely to see you again.' She says and Asher replies with something equally as friendly, 'Marzia, have you had a chance to catch up with some of the Founding Families?'

'I've seen a couple of people.' I nod, looking around the room to catch some familiar faces, 'It might help to be reintroduced to a few. I think they might have forgotten what I look like.'

I notice the slightly humorous way that each of the Founding Family's personal security mill around, trying to keep an eye on so many people at once. The security obviously recognise one another, because some of them are happily chatting away to each other. I remind myself later to thank them for their service and see if I can find anyone I recognise.

'Of course.' She laughs and directs Asher and I over to a family that is unmistakably the Saint Lawerence family.

The Saint Lawerence are the biggest clan of the Founding Families, mainly because their grandmother Pensee had six sons, which all now have families of their own. Most of their children weren't born when I was still here, so there's beautiful little Lawerence's running around playing with each other that I haven't met yet. If I really rack my brain, I think their great grandparents now have eight grandchildren, and thirty-four great grandchildren, so it's understandable that I couldn't point them all out to save my life.

Rosie takes us over to Imari Saint Lawerence, who is standing and talking to Aelys Theuderic in the corner. It's a little awkward when she first re-introduces us, but after a few unusually tense seconds, it's quite easy to slip back into the same old routine that I remember as a child. Only this time, they seem actually interested in what I have to tell them.

'And Cassio and Nola, they must be what - fifteen years old now?' I ask Imari who nods, running a hand over his face as if he cannot believe it himself. His twins have always been lovely and I look around to see if I can see them anywhere.

'Yes, it's amazing how much time passes without even noticing.' He agrees. Banks Courcillion comes wandering over, giving me a hug and casually trying not to interrupt Imari, who keeps talking after he flashes a smile. It's common at parties like these that people just insert themselves into conversations seamlessly, but it's funny to notice it now that I'm older and capable of doing the same thing myself, 'We really are thrilled to see you home Marzia. I know there's been many questions about heirs for a long time, and we really are pleased to put those to bed.'

'We're also extremely relieved that it ends any speculation about the Moreau clan's future involvement with the throne.' Aelys says, leaning close and putting a hand on my arm. Imari nods, raising his eyebrows at the small pledges of allegiance that still occur at parties like these.

'That makes four of us.' Rosie says cheekily, and I know she includes the humorous tone to her voice in case anyone should be listening to us.

'I think it's much more than four, Rosie.' Banks agrees, 'From what I've noticed at the recent Founders Council meetings, there's been some concern for quite a while that Axel and Juniper will be making a play for the throne before you have the chance Marzia.'

'Which doesn't make any sense considering they're older than Percy anyway.' Aelys inputs, to which she receives nods from around the circle. I feel like I'm talking behind my own back, but I'm glad that we seem to have a lot of support from at least three of the different Founding Families, not including the Greenewood's and Penderson's.

'Although, not to be forward, but we have heard rumours of a Thorne hier returning.' Imari says and Asher looks up a little from where he stands just behind me. Aelys and Banks look over, sipping on their champagne and urging him for the gossip, 'I watched your recent interview with Alexi, and I noticed there was a snippet missing from the end. Rumour from a source there, said that she'd asked about the heir.'

My grandfather discussed Asher's heritage with him, and told him that he was free to discuss his identity if he felt like he wanted to, but also consider how it might affect his job as a secret agent, if suddenly everyone in our society knows who he is. But my grandmother also pointed out that the Greenewood brothers are both agents, and their family is extremely politically important, their fathers have all been judges since long before I can remember.

My grandparents told Asher it was completely his decision and so I let the question hang in the air for a second, looking at him subtly. He glances at me, swallows and then steps forward a little bit and clears his throat. He shoots me a look that confirms what I thought he was doing, and I smile and turn back to Imari.

'This is Asher Thorne. He's the grandson of Agnes and Lance.' I introduce him, putting a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. Without hesitation, he arches slightly so that his arm is around my waist and my body is tucked neatly into his side. It's such a smooth action that I almost don't notice. Even without a lifetime of knowledge, he's a natural, 'He's Rusty's son.'

'It's a real pleasure to meet you, Asher.' Imari says, shaking his hand warmly, and I can tell quite how much he means it. No one really discussed it when it happened, but I know everyone felt the loss of the Thorne family when Rusty renounced his title.

'The pleasure is all mine.' Asher replies.

'You're the Thorne heir?' Banks asks, taking another long sip of her champagne. As much Asher is part of this community, I can tell he is still doubting himself, because he keeps his hand stiff on my side and nods respectfully wherever he can avoid talking, 'We were so sorry to hear of the death of your parents, Asher. Truly, devastated.'

'That's very kind of you, but they're still only classed as missing.' Asher says, and I can tell that he didn't enjoy correcting her, and he pulls the same face he always does when his family is brought up.

'Of course.' Banks replies, 'I'm very sorry Asher, that's my mistake. Please accept my sincerest apologies.'

'That's more than alright.' Asher shakes his head dismissively.

'Rusty?' Rosie questions and Asher smiles at her in place of having to talk, because I know how closed up his throat feels when he has to talk about them, 'He was a wonderful man, I hope one day we can learn what happened to him.'

'You knew my father?' Asher asks, a little taken aback. I look at Rosie, because I didn't think anyone in my family knew Rusty, from what my grandparents said, they'd never met him.

'Only a little, but we were friends for a year or two when I travelled after university.' Rosie nods, not understanding the weight of what she's telling us. From what we can gather, Rosie seems to be the only person we know that knew Rusty when he was alive. Right now, she's the only person who can tell Asher anything about his father.

'Did you meet my mother?' Asher asks her. Imari, Banks and Aelys stay listening to the conversation, even if they pretend a little like they aren't.

'I'm afraid I didn't, only your father. But he was a wonderful man, Asher, I hope that your memory allows you to think of him that way also.' Rosie assures him, putting a comforting hand on his arm.

Someone says something in the earpiece in Asher's ear, and he cups a hand to hear it better over the background ambiance. He listens for a few seconds, before he smiles a little sadly, and bows to the group.

'If you'll excuse me, it was lovely to meet you all. I hope to see you again soon.' He addresses them, and then turns to me, turning us away so we're in private, 'I just have to go help verify the catering staff.'

'Are you okay?' I ask, kind of ignoring him.

'I'm fine.' He nods, 'It's nice to hear that he was liked, that he had friends.'

'Are you sure?' I ask, raising my eyebrows.

'I'm sure.' He smiles, putting a hand on my back, 'Really Zia. That made me happy.'

'I'll ask Rosie to have a think if there's anything else that she remembers.' I tell him and he nods, having not wanted to ask in case it was inconvenient. He squeezes my hip slightly and I let my hand rest on his shoulder until he walks away and it slides down his arm.

'He's a delightful young man.' Aelys says once he's gone and I smile, and agree with her, 'Please pass along the message that we'd be plenty happy to see his return to the Founding Families. I think he could be invaluable to the Council.'

'I must go and check on the children, but I hope to see him again this evening.' Imari agrees, 'If I don't catch him, please tell him it was wonderful to meet him.'

'I will.' I nod.

'We'll see you soon Marzia, we're thrilled you're home.' Banks says, dropping a kiss on either cheek, before I repeat the process with the other two. They disperse and I turn back to Rosie who smiles.

'See! Born natural.' She nudges me and walks us back over to where my grandparents are standing with my cousins, clearly deciding that's enough social interaction for right now. I sigh a little in relief that even if I'm not doing so well in public, that people still think I'm fit to be here.

Rosie notices my mum standing off to the side and rushes over to hug her. I forget most of the time that they're best friends, because it seems so unlikely. But truly, I have never seen closer friends than Rosie and Bonnie. They've always been close, but something happened when Christopher died, and they've been inseparable ever since.

I'm sure my dad knows it makes them both happy, but I can't imagine that it's easy for him.

I spot my dad and make a beeline for him, pulling him away from his conversation as politely as possible. He smiles when he sees me, complimenting my dress and giving me a hug. I ask him my quick favour, ensuring I look around to make sure Asher isn't within earshot, and he shrugs his shoulders and agrees he'll look into it for me. Then, he's pulled back into political debates and I wander back over to my cousins.

'How's school going Z?' Jesse asks, noticing I'm back and I look at him with annoyance, considering he knows my track record. He has pleading eyes, which leads me to believe he needs the heat of my grandfather's conversation off him so I smile and step a little closer to the two.

'It's okay. I've got the credits to graduate with honours and so I guess we'll get the paperwork all sent over to maybe start at the Royal University in the summer.' I say, even though I'm undecided about Alania's uni. I could specialise in any subject I wanted, because really, my career prospects have kind of been decided already.

I wonder how well it would go down if I wanted to be an art major. My aunt would be delighted, but I doubt the tabloids would see it as academic enough. I accept that I'll probably specialise in law, or history, or literature, something to give me a standing in a community I'm too young to be in.

'Aren't you going to stay until you graduate?' Jonah asks, returning and handing me a drink, having caught the back end of my sentence, 'She's just desperate to get away from you, pal?'

I realise Asher is standing beside Jonah, also with a drink in his hand, and laughing politely at my cousin. He's clearly finished his duties, and he's back to enjoying himself, a little happier at the news of his father. My grandfather chuckles with his beautiful blissful ignorance and Jesse smiles. I'm glad that none of them have realised the connection between the Asher I have hated my entire youth, and the Asher that stands with us now in a very impressive navy suit with his glasses glinting from the chandelier hanging down from the ceiling.

'Something like that.' I say and clock Asher's smile, 'Six long years of friendship can do that to people.'

'Six years? That's brilliant.' My grandfather smiles, 'You know, I heard about your friendship, I think it's incredible. Really shows the-'

'-Strength of the Alanian blood.' Asher and I finish for him, having had enough of hearing that by now. My grandfather laughs at us, and makes a comment about how we must be really good friends if we can finish each other's sentences.

'Only ever just friends?' Jesse asks with one eyebrow raised.

'Well, you never know. The Alanian blood is really strong.' I joke, quiet enough so my grandfather doesn't hear me. I nudge Asher's arm, and without missing a beat, he knees the back of my leg subtly so that I nearly trip standing still. I shoot him a look.

'You'll get me fired.' He warns.

'Shame.' I whine and rub his shoulder. Just like before, his arm finds its way around me, a hand tight on my waist, 'I'll just have to have you executed instead.'

'You have to be on your best behaviour, please.' He begs me, but there's still a hint of mischief to his tone, 'Promise me.'

'What will you give me in return?' I bargain, 'Like, what's actually in it for me?'

'I have some pretty embarrassing stories I could share with the family if you like?' He says, talking loudly so he grabs the attention of Jonah, who instantly looks interested.

'Alright, I promise.' I grumble.

'That's not fair, I haven't agreed to this deal.' Jonah grins, 'I want to hear all these embarrassing stories.'

'Later, I promise.' Asher says, loudly enough to annoy me.

'I see the both of you have already met.' I roll my eyes.

'Yeah, Emilio introduced us.' Jonah says, gesturing to the table they've just come from, 'I'm glad to have finally met him, he seems like a really stand up guy-'

I cut off the rest of Jesse's sentence with footsteps that move quickly in the direction he pointed, only to see Asher catching up with me as fast as he can, considering the few seconds he took to bid goodbye to my family cost him.

'Zia, your father had a word with him about something.' He says, catching my arm. My heart sinks and I realise this whole evening may have been in vain, 'He excused himself up to the roof, is he okay?'

'Oh God.' I breathe, putting a head on my hand and feeling my only plan shattering as if the glass from the windows had imploded in on me, 'I need to go find him, wait here.'

'I'm not letting you go on your own. Explain it to me.' He says firmly, and I look at him, expecting my face to mirror the sadness I imagine my best friend must be feeling upstairs, 'Okay, tell you what. I'll stand inside by the door, and you explain later?'

I smile, realising he really did listen to the deal we made back in my living room about compromising. I smile at him quickly, and then take his hand and drag him up the stairs. Halfway up, I realise Asher is actually tugging me, considering how slow I am in heels. When we reach the rooftop door, he gives me a knowing look, a reassuring hand on my back and holds the door open for me to leave.

Emilio is standing facing the dark night, with his back to me and his hands in his pockets. I can see his warm breath billowing away from his figure and I try to ignore the heaving of his shoulders. I walk quietly, my heels clicking the only sound I make. I reach a few steps away from him and he sniffs.

'I'm sorry I'm late.' He smiles through his anguish, 'It took me ages to get through security. They're really set on keeping you alive for tomorrow.'

'Yeah, seems so.' I say, losing myself behind my words.

'Did you hear?' He asks after a pause, without looking at me.

'Yeah, I heard.' I say. I stand in a silence as that sinks in, before I can't take it anymore and go and hug my best friend, 'I'm so sorry Leo.'

He appreciates the gesture, and quickly hugs me back. I can feel his tears on my bare shoulder and I rub his back as, for the first time, Emilio admits he needs me. He might not have said the words, but as he quietly sobs, I am the support system he has so unwaveringly provided for me for the six years we've been with each other.

I take a step back and Emilio wipes angrily at his tears, as his lip unwillingly pokes out from his face. He nods at absolutely nothing and gulps down another sob. He finally looks at me when I reach up and wipe a tear from his cheek. He puts a hand on top of mine and closes his eyes so that I can't see that more tears are forming at his waterline.

'You look beautiful.' He says after a moment when his breathing is calmer.

'I'm so sorry E.' I say, ignoring his comment and moving straight to the heartache that radiates from his chest, 'This is all my fault. You gave up everything you ever wanted and I could say thank you a thousand times and it wouldn't be enough. You're the only person who has never left me, but if you need to do this, I understand, okay?'

'He'd never take me back Zia.' Emilio says, and with his admission out loud, he gives out another sob and bites his lip. He gestures around and out to the small section of kingdom you can see in the distance through the trees, 'He'd never understand this.'

'Marzia?' I look over to the door where Asher has interrupted from his place behind the frame. From where I'm standing, I see another agent behind him, 'There's someone here for you.'

I nearly throw up right where I'm standing. This wasn't supposed to happen this way, I was supposed to gently explain the whole situation to everyone and see if then they'd want to talk to each other. But now the agent is standing aside, and Nate is there, right for all of us to see him. Asher looks between us and Emilio's jaw drops.

'Nate?' He says in disbelief.

Nathanial fucking Bowen is early and now I'm screwed.

Nate walks out onto the roof with two more agents behind him, and he looks between the two of us, as Asher comes to stand next to me. He's never met Nate, and I doubt he has any idea who he is, and from a first glance he doesn't look too friendly, especially with the confusion and anger on his face.

I don't want to think about how long it took him to get through security, considering he couldn't even tell you why he was here in the first place.

'You're the one who brought me here?' Nate asks Emilio, 'What is this Leo? I'm just at home for Christmas and suddenly I'm being put on a plane because Raine wants to see me? This is a fucking royal party, why have you brought me here?'

'I didn't.' Emilio says, and I see the disappointment in his face as he realises Nate is not here to come see him, but because I forced him to be. Emilio and I used to talk about Nate turning up and coming home, and I see every scenario we discussed explode into the tears on Emilio's cheeks.

'I did.' I say, stepping forward. Asher obviously decides I'm not under immediate threat, since there's a guard right beside Nate, and does his best by keeping just behind me.

'Who are you?' Nate asks, 'Why did I get put on a fucking private plane? I came because someone said Raine needed my help. Where is she?'

'Let's just keep everything calm.' Asher says gently from behind him. He rests a hand on my shoulder for a second and Nathan waits a beat to look him over.

'Who are you?" Nate demands.

'I'm the princess' bodyguard.' Asher explains.

'What, do you want me to curtesy?' He says in the unbelievably bold way I remember that he does, but even then, I can see him relax just a little, 'Where is Raine?'

'This is going to sound nuts, so bare with me for just thirty seconds, okay Nath?' I see something twitch in his face as the nickname in such a familiar voice, reminds him of a black haired bitch he knew from London, 'It's me, it's Raine.'

His face scrunches up and he frowns. He steps closer and I smile as familiarly as I can. He looks over to Emilio to disagree but when he doesn't, he looks back at me. The last time Nate saw Emilio, he called him a liar, so I doubt he believes anything either of us has to say right now.

'Just add the black hair and the glasses and contact lenses. Lose the dress and add some Doc Martens, and it's me, alright?' I say, desperately trying to prove this to a man who doesn't count either of us as particularly truthful. He doesn't seem convinced, 'The first night Emilio introduced us we watched RuPaul's drag race season two, and you accidentally ruined the ending by telling me who won. You bought me an Easter Egg so that I'd talk to you again. It was a Crunchie one.'

Nate looks down as his memory fact checks me, when his eyebrows scrunch up on his forehead again, 'It was Oreo.'

'So you do remember.' I say.

'Raine, what's going on? You said you needed my help.' He asks, finally melting into a man I used to know and who remembers me as his family all those days ago, 'Why did you bring me here? Why are we at this party? If this is some ploy to get us talking again you could've done it back in London. That plane must have cost a fortune that I know you don't have.'

'Actually, I do have it. That's my plane.' I say and brace myself to reveal the whole reason why Emilio couldn't be with Nate, 'I'm the princess of Alania.'

'You're fucking hilarious.' He replies dryly.

'She's telling the truth.' Asher says from behind me, 'Believe me, I know this is hard to come to terms with, because I've had to. But we can prove it, if you need us to.'

Asher leans over and untucks a card from his wallet. I recognise this as the agency's way of identification and agent missions. Nate reads the information and Asher gives the second agent's ACS credentials over to him too.

'Z, your phone.' He says, holding his hand out. I don't know when he learned my password, but he types it in and begins to flick through photos, 'This is their apartment in London, this one is her family, this is the two of us at school. I'm Asher, the guy I'm sure she said ruined high school for her. This one is of you two together.'

'I don't understand, how are you a princess? Your apartment didn't have heating in the winter for God's sakes.' He says and Asher steps back, acknowledging the acceptance that he was forced to admit only a week ago.

'I don't know how much you know about the Alanian royal family-'

'Literally nothing at all.' He inputs.

'I was in danger here. People are after my father's crown, and they killed my brother. They were willing to kill me too, until Emilio took me in and hid me as someone else in London.' I tell him and take pauses between sentences to keep the calm.

'So what,' Nate turns to Emilio, 'You just happened to take in a princess? Why would you do that?'

Emilio takes his agent identification from his pocket and tosses it over to Nate, still keeping his head down. I know what he's thinking, because it's occurring to me too. Nate left Emilio all those months ago because he thought Emilio was hiding something, and here we are, admitting to doing so all along. He might turn around and spit in our faces, but from every conversation we had while Emilio was mourning for a life he could've had with Nate, at least now he'll know.

'Emilio is an agent - he's Alanian by birth, a cousin of mine a hundred families over.' I tell him as Nate inspects the face on Emilio's ID, 'You left because you thought he was hiding something, and you were right. I'm sorry you thought you knew and we couldn't say anything. He wanted to tell you a million times when you were together, and I wanted to call a million more after you left, but we couldn't. We didn't know if it could risk my life altogether.'

'What's changed?' Nate says, and Emilio nods at his feet, watching as the tears reach his mid cheek and are too overcome by gravity to stick any longer to his face, 'Why are you telling me this now?'

'When you first came into our lives, the Alanian Civil Service gave you a basic background check, so you were allowed around me.' I take a breath and look at Emilio. He nods, knowing where this may be headed, 'When Emilio wanted you around permanently, he had to get permission first. They needed to do a much more thorough background check if-'

'If what?' Nate asks, confused by my sudden stop.

'If Leo was going to propose to you.' I say.

The words hang there, and Asher behind me seems to finally catch up. Emilio doesn't look up, but Nate's eyes are wide and he takes a step backwards. He drops Emilio's ID and raises a hand to his head.

'This is crazy, you know this right?' Nate shakes his head, 'And completely unfair Raine, I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know how I'm supposed to react.'

'I understand. You weren't meant to see each other until I'd had a chance to talk to you both, but not like this. My dad's head of security isn't so great at giving ETA's apparently.' I nod, 'I know that this isn't a Christmas present you were expecting, but I am the reason that Emilio had to lie to you, he was doing it to protect my life.'

'You thought I could've hurt you?' Nate squints, and I notice that now he has tears in his eyes and I know just how much I've fucked up here. Well, me and Gamache, that little shit.

'Of course not, but Leo couldn't risk it. He would've lost his job and I would've been taken away. I would've lost him, and he knows how much I've lost.' I gulp back tears before all of us drown on his roof from our sorrows, 'I got the results back from your background check this afternoon.'

'I passed?' Nate asks.

'With flying colours.' Emilio says, the words coming quietly from his lungs and being aimed towards the stone beneath us, 'Gave me full blessing to be with you, no strings attached. I could've told you everything.'

'It came too late.' Nate says into the air, 'It's still too late, you know that, right? We tried for months to make this work Emilio, and we couldn't. This doesn't change that, I just know less about you than I did before.'

'Zia, I can't do this.' Emilio pleads, looking up at me and shaking tears onto the sides of his face with the hard blinking he's doing to try and keep his dignity. He turns away from Nathanial, and I feel so determined to fix his heart for him that I'm willing to lock us all up here until he's forgiven.

'Zia? Marzia, they said your name on the plane.' Nate says. He looks over at the man that he was once in love with, 'Is your name even Emilio?'

'Everything I told you about myself is true Nate. Please don't look at me differently, I'm still that same guy, I've just got a more important job and a kid that I have no claim to but love more than anything.' Emilio tells him, gesturing to me, 'My parents are still Harold and Amaria, I still have two sisters, I work for the government, just not the British one, and I really was in love with you. None of that was a lie.'

'Your parents, they know? That's why you didn't let me meet them.' Nate says with the revelation, ignoring Emilio's last statement, 'Not because you were ashamed of me.'

'They wanted to meet you, I wanted them to.' Emilio gulps, remembering how upset Nate got when Emilio refused to introduce their families. Nate was lucky enough to have a family that celebrated with him when he came out at fifteen, but he said he couldn't help but feel that this had been the rejection he'd been waiting for all along. I remember him saying that this hurt so much more.

'I need some air.' Nate says, wafting his hands around his face and looking around. He pauses for a moment, as he remembers we're on the roof, 'I mean, some more air. I want to go for a walk.'

He turns on his heel and storms back in the direction of the door. I cross over to Emilio and wrap my arm around him. He holds me tightly back and kisses the top of my head, 'Thank you for trying. You're a good fake kid, you know.' He whispers.

I watch with Emilio as the agent pulls the door open for Nate. He puts a foot across and then pauses. From the space between my head and Emilio's chest, I hear his heart rate speed up again, probably thinking about the last time Nate walked through a door and never came back.

'Will you come with me?' Nate asks, turning around to look at Emilio.

I squeeze Emilio's hand and he nods, walking in small steps towards the only person he's ever wanted to spend his life with, and the exact thing that I ripped away from him, despite everything he's done for me. The door closes gently behind the both of them and I look up at the sky and the stars that have watched the whole thing.

'Please, if you can hear me Chris,' I whisper to a boy who I know is listening to me, 'Help me out here, Emilio is a good person in a world filled with people who have tried to hurt us. This can't be done, I can't have ruined this, please.'

Asher comes over and wraps his arms around me and I cling to his shoulder as I feel my heart follow the only person who has never left me, trying to claw back the only happiness that I took from him.

'He deserves every happiness that exists in every corner of this shitty world.' I whisper into the lining of Asher's suit, knowing that someone is listening to me, 'Please.'