Chapter 32

Things got pretty difficult after that since I didn't know how to act around Harry anymore. I wasn't sure what was too close for him, and I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, so I kept my distance and only talked to him when necessary.

Every fiber of my body disagreed, though. I had done all I could to make him understand how much I still cared for him the last couple of weeks and how much I wanted us to be like we once were, so this was a huge change, and I didn't like it one bit.

It felt like everything I had done had gone to waste. He would probably want to go back to not talking to me at all now that he realized how much more unproblematic it was when we weren't. And he probably found it a lot easier to deal with everything that was going on inside his head when I wasn't around him all the time.

Despite that, he seemed pretty off at work on Saturday afternoon. We were preparing for the second live show, and he barely talked to anyone, not even Nick. I could see how frustrated the older man was because of this, and he kept sending me glares now and then, probably assuming I was the reason behind it.

The sad part was that it affected Harry's acts as well since they needed coaching before the live show. He only answered their questions with a shake or nod of the head, not putting too much care into it, and it made me sad because this was not what I had wanted to happen. I wanted him to smile just like I had seen him do only a couple of days ago.

I tried telling myself that it wasn't my fault, despite Nick's dark glares at me. This was what Harry wanted. He had tried to tell me this the entire week. I had just refused to listen to him before. But somehow, I still felt like it was my fault. Perrie had said I was the reason for his smile the other day, so I wondered if I was the reason for his sadness now or if he was just hung up on everything that had happened between him and Leah.

It turned out my question would be answered only an hour before the show started. I sat on my chair at the judges' table, playing with my pen as a stylist applied makeup to my face. Through the corner of my eye, I could see Harry sitting on the edge of the stage just like he had done a couple of days ago, dangling his feet back and forth. He was wearing his blue suit, the one he had worn to the restaurant in Dublin, and he looked just as stunning this time as he did back then.

I was still admiring his looks when Leah walked up to him, her dark hair falling down her shoulders. She didn't seem sad, as I expected her to. She had a genuine smile on her lips as she approached him until she stopped right next to his figure so that I could still see both of their faces.

It took a while until she managed to get him to talk, but after a minute, I could see his lips starting to move as well. He still seemed off, though, his face in a frown and his lips in a pout. Seeing him talk made me feel a little bit better, though.

He nodded at something she mentioned and then replied to her. This repeated itself three times until both of their gazes suddenly fell on me, and I felt like a deer caught in the highlights. I quickly averted my eyes, feeling my heart thump in my chest.

Staring up at the ceiling, I ignored the fact that the stylist probably got pissed at me for moving my head. But if it weren't for her, I would have probably been running my hands over my face right now. How embarrassing.

But when I let myself think about it, it didn't make sense that they had only looked at me because they noticed me staring. There was no need to look at me like that if that was the case.

As this thought started processing in my head, I could feel curiosity build up inside me, making me slowly turn my gaze to them again. To my slight surprise, Leah wasn't there any longer, but Harry was, and his eyes were still stuck on me, sadness flashing through them. He then pushed himself closer to the edge of the stage and hopped down on the floor before walking away, making me feel oddly guilty.

Things didn't get better after that. We didn't say anything to each other for the rest of the evening, and the more time that passed, the more quiet he seemed to get. He closed in on himself, continuing not to talk to anyone. I started wondering if I had made the right decision to stay away from him after all. But at the same time, I felt as though I had at least done what he asked for. Because this was what he wanted, wasn't it?

Sadly, the group of five girls had to leave the show that night. It was a sad moment for all of us in the category, so I spent the rest of the evening with them and let Harry slip my mind, which was probably for the best.

It was pretty late when I drove home, but it wasn't until I went to bed that the curly-haired man entered my mind again, and unfortunately, he didn't leave for the rest of the night after that.

I spent the entire Sunday and Monday thinking about what to do when I would meet him on Tuesday. Should I continue in this pattern and try to stay away from him like he wanted me to - even though it hurt, or should I talk to him and try to make things better between us just because I couldn't stop myself from wanting to?

In the end, I decided that it would depend on how he was acting. If he would still be quiet and off, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to stop myself from wanting to confront him about it, but if he would be happy and act as if Saturday never happened, as if my absence didn't have any effect on him, then I would continue trying to stay away the best I could.

It turned out I would get an answer pretty quickly because when I entered the arena on Tuesday morning, he was sitting on one of the couches with Nick while Perrie was sitting opposite them on the other one. Patrick and a few other crew members were in the room as well, but I couldn't focus on them when I saw Harry's appearance. He was wearing his black sunglasses, an unreadable expression on his face with one of his legs crossed over the other.

He didn't seem to acknowledge his surroundings, even if he turned his face in different directions once in a while. It made me knit my eyebrows, and I couldn't help but think of what he had told me just the other day.

"It's just easy to hide behind them."

I started wondering if this was a sign, that he wanted me to know that he was trying to hide his emotions since he knew I was aware of why he wore them now.

I couldn't take my eyes off him for a second as Patrick talked to us, so I barely registered a word he said. However, I was pretty sure he went through the same thing he did every Tuesday; that there was a list of songs on the table across the room.

When he was finished talking and we were free to go, I could see Harry lingering in his seat while Nick and Perrie got up to fetch a list of the songs. I was just about to open my mouth and confront him about what was going on when he got up from his seat as well, not even acknowledging my attempt at talking to him.

Mentally letting out a sigh, I ran my hands over my face. Why were things always so complicated between us? Why couldn't it be easy, just like it had been back in the days? Everything had just fallen into place without any effort, but now it seemed like a large obstacle was in the way for things to work between us.

"Hey, is something wrong?"

I snapped my head to my right, seeing Logan sit down next to me on the couch. His brown hair was a bit disheveled, as if the wind had messed it up on his way into the arena, but it actually made him look pretty good.

"Um... no?"

He pursed his lips, nodding his head. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just wanted you to know that you can talk to me. I'm all ears," he said, smiling gently.

"Thanks," I replied, my lips curling slightly as well. "I appreciate it."

He nodded before letting his gaze fall on something to my left. "So, you and Harry," he stated. "I couldn't help but notice that you two seemed closer a few days ago. Are you friends again?"

Shrugging my shoulders, I swallowed. If I were honest, I was a bit surprised that he had picked up on that, but he must have been observant. "Not really, I guess."

He noticed by my short answer that I didn't want to talk about it, so he just nodded. "As I just said, I'm here if you want to talk about it. I know I'm not aware of what happened between you two, but since it seems to mean a lot to you, I want you to know that you can tell me if you want to," he said, giving me a sad smile.

I realized then just how much he seemed to care about me, and I had no idea what to think of that. There were so many things on my mind at the moment, and this was something I didn't have time to worry about, although I appreciated his concern. No matter what, I was pretty sure telling another person about my and Harry's past was not a good idea, and certainly not someone I wasn't sure I could trust. I was positive Simon wouldn't appreciate it either. Not that I cared about his opinion, but I knew better than telling people about me and Harry.

"I appreciate your concern, Logan, I really do, but I'd rather not talk about it if I'm honest. I hope you understand," I replied, curling my lips slightly.

"Of course, Louis. I'll be here whenever you're ready, though," he smiled gently.

I returned his smile the best I could. "Thank you."

He got up from his seat then, reaching out to touch me on the shoulder. "Anytime, Lou." With that said, he walked away to get back to work.

I stared after him for a while, thinking about what he had just told me. I wondered how much he actually liked me and if his concern was merely friendly or if it was more to it. I also thought of the fact that he had been observant enough to notice what was going on between me and Harry. I had not been aware it was that obvious, but apparently, I was wrong. Maybe he even knew who I had been looking at that time in the arena when I had been sitting in the audience with my eyes directed at the stage.

When I turned my gaze to the left side of the room, it instantly fell on the man I had once called my boyfriend since he was already staring at me. He was still wearing his sunglasses so that I couldn't see his eyes, but I was pretty sure there was no glint of happiness in them if the frown on his lips was anything to go by.

Before I could acknowledge anything else, though, he walked away, leaving the room in a hurry. That was the moment I decided I couldn't sit and watch this play out any longer, so I got up from my seat and followed him out of the room, not even bothering to grab the list of songs on my way.

He had gotten quite far with his long strides and quick pace, but I could see him turn the corner at the end of the hallway, so I quickened my steps as well, almost jogging through the hallway to catch up with him.

Since I made sure to keep as quiet as possible, he didn't acknowledge that I was following him, so he was shocked when I reached out to grab his hand and stop him. He turned around in a swift movement, his eyes falling on me in surprise. He composed himself quickly, though, and retreated his hand while knitting his eyebrows. "Louis, wha-"

"Why are you acting like this?" I cut him off, feeling adrenaline pumping in my veins.

He opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. He just turned his eyes to the floor, the crease between his eyebrows deepening.

"I thought this was what you wanted," I continued, breathing unevenly after my jog. "You've told me plenty of times that you're scared of us getting close, so I figured I should keep my distance, but now you're acting as you did all those weeks ago, and I don't understand why." I bit my lip, feeling all energy leave my body. I just felt so hopeless because I didn't know what to do. Nothing was working. If I tried to get close to him, he complained about it, and now that I kept my distance, he acted as if I had hurt him. So what did he want me to do?

"And you're wearing your sunglasses again," I added, my voice almost cracking.

I could see how his shoulders sagged as he reached up to take off his Ray-Bans, letting his eyes show. I didn't know what to expect, but I was pretty sure I wasn't expecting his eyes to be puffy. He must have either slept very poorly or been crying. Either way, the sight made my lips part, and I couldn't help but reach my hand up to his face. I refrained myself before I could touch him, though, and let my hand drop to my side.

I opened my mouth to talk, but he beat me to it. "I know I told you more than once that I'm scared of getting too close to you, but..." He trailed off, looking up to meet my eyes, pain evident in his own. "But that doesn't mean I don't want to... if that makes sense? Yes, I am scared as hell, but I've realized that it doesn't really matter because... I want you to talk to me. I want us to get closer. I just... yeah..." He explained, running his hands over his face after pocketing his sunglasses in his black jeans.

It felt like all air had been knocked out of my lungs, which left me with no other choice but to inhale a large breath, letting his words sink in. "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, my heart thumping loudly in my chest.

He pursed his lips. "Because there is this constant battle inside my head. One part of me wants to make sure you're not getting too close, while the other part gets upset when you're too far away. They're trying to conquer each other, which is making me a complete mess. I'm sorry about that," he apologized, his eyes filled with regret.

Shaking my head, I took a step closer to him. "Don't be. I just... I just wish I had known. I wouldn't have tried doing anything you didn't want me to," I said, looking into his green irises. "And I understand that this is difficult for you. I know it's not easy for you to trust me after what I did, so... let's take things slow, yeah?"

He nodded, a small smile breaking out on his face. "That sounds great."

I returned his smile, looking into his still puffy eyes. I wanted to reach up and touch the spot right below his left eye with the pad of my thumb, let it run over his soft skin gently, but I was afraid he wouldn't like that very much. "Maybe you should keep your sunglasses on today," I said, biting my lip.

An amused smile formed on his lips as he let out a light chuckle. "Never thought I would hear you say those words."

My lips twitched as I let out a chuckle myself. "I guess I've changed my mind."

Reaching into the pocket of his jeans, he fished his Ray-Bans back up, placing them on the bridge of his nose. "You know, there was never a time I wore them when there wasn't a reason behind it. Even if crying wasn't the reason every time, there was always something," he told me, making me swallow.

I nodded, turning my gaze to the floor before looking back up at him. "I've realized that. I'm uh... I'm sorry I was being so rude to you about them. I just... I just didn't like how they made you into someone I didn't recognize. It scared me somehow, that the guy I once fell in love with was gone. So I guess you succeeded in your plan," I grimaced, shifting my weight from one foot to the other.

His lips twitched into a faint smile. "I was never gone. I just tried to be."

A large knot formed in my stomach because even though I had heard him say it before, it still hurt that he had gone so far as to try being someone he wasn't just to keep me away from him. "I'm sorry," I whispered, looking down in shame.

He shook his head. "It was my decision," he pointed out, making me furrow my eyebrows.

"But it was my fault the thought even crossed your mind."

He let out a sigh. "It doesn't matter," he said, reaching out to grab my hand, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles.

The touch made my breath hitch since I wasn't expecting it. My gaze flicked down to where our skin touched, his hand holding mine so gently as he ran his thumb over my skin. I couldn't help the racing of my heart nor the shivers that ran down my spine.

"We should go back," he mumbled a few seconds later, and it wasn't until then I noticed that I had closed my eyes, letting myself savor the feeling of his hand in mine.

Fluttering them open, I gazed into the green of his eyes while taking a step back. Our hands fell back to our sides, small smiles gracing our lips as we looked at each other. "Yeah," I breathed. "They're probably wondering where we are."

He nodded, and together, we started making our way towards the stage, walking closer to each other than we had done in years.

-----

The next few days were even better than I could imagine between me and Harry. It was as if our conversation in the corridor had been a breaking point, where Harry realized a greater part of him wanted to forgive me than not. I wasn't complaining. If anything, I was happier than I had been in years. I found myself smiling even at times when no funny situation had occurred. Being around Harry just made me so incredibly happy.

I was pretty sure people around us noticed it as well since he was in a better mood too, and we were hanging with each other quite often at work. It was pretty hard to miss. I could tell Perrie was happy for us judging by the smirk she would have on her lips as she caught me and Harry talking to each other. She even approached me on Wednesday, telling me how much I deserved it.

I wasn't sure about that, though. She didn't know what I had done to Harry, and the reason I still couldn't let it slip my mind was that I kept receiving dark glares from Nick. He didn't come up to me like he did that time last week, but he still made it obvious that he wasn't enjoying the fact that Harry and I were getting along now. If it was because he was trying to look out for him, or that he was jealous, I didn't know, but it could easily be both.

Things weren't all sunshine and roses, though. Even if things were working better between us, I would still find myself hesitating around him. I had yet to find out what was too much for him, and I was afraid I would cross the line without even knowing it.

I could also tell that even if he was more relaxed around me now, he was still holding back, which didn't surprise me since I knew it would take time for him to trust me again. I missed him, though. I missed being with him like I had once been. But fuck, I knew I was asking too much.

It was now Friday, the day we were going to Liam's house to have a get-together. We still had to attend work before that, though, and I was currently helping my two groups that were still left in the competition, giving them advice for tomorrow.

"We had it rough last week, what with losing the girls, but now it's a new week with new opportunities. I know you guys have worked your asses off these last few days, and I'm sure you're going to be amazing tomorrow. So just remember to go out there and have fun, yeah?"

One of the twins, Bella, raised her hand, so I motioned for her to talk. "I just wanted to say that we're lucky to have you as our coach. You always got our backs and push us to do our best, so yeah... thank you," she said, the other guys nodding in agreement.

A wide smile broke out on my face. "I'm pretty sure I should be the one saying thank you. Seeing you work so hard for this is amazing. You're really making my job easy."

They chuckled, exchanging smiles with me and each other.

Not long after that, we separated from one another, heading in different directions. Since we were the only people in the arena, I figured I should leave too, so I exited the stage and walked to the lounge room.

I was taken by surprise when I saw that Harry and Nick were the only two people in the room. They were sitting on one of the couches, their bodies almost pressed together as they were watching something on Nick's phone. The sight made a knot form in my stomach, but I ignored it the best I could as I sat down in front of them, clearing my throat.

Harry looked up first, a small smile forming on his pink lips. He was wearing his Columbia sweater and a pair of grey joggers, his sunglasses nowhere to be seen. This fact along with the smile he sent me made the knot disappear, and I could feel my lips curl as I looked at him.

"What are you up to?" I asked, flicking my gaze between them and the phone in Nick's hand.

Before Nick could answer (which he didn't seem to have any intention to do), Harry opened his mouth to talk. "Nick's showing me a video of two kittens cuddling," he said, making Nick let out a loud scoff.

"The fuck, Styles? I'm not showing you a video of sappy cats," he huffed, faking offense. "I'm way more manly than that."

Harry raised his eyebrows at him, amusement evident in his features. "You, manly? Please, even Perrie is manlier than you, Grimshaw," he pointed out, rolling his eyes.

"Says the man who paints his nails in different colors every week. Oh, and should we bring up that time I caught you wearing a dress?" He retorted with a raised brow, his phone long forgotten.

Harry rolled his eyes, the amusement remaining on his features. "Please, Nick. Clothes and nail polish don't have a gender. You if anyone should know that. Good try, but I win," he smirked, making Nick blink at him. Even if it was weird seeing them talk like this, I had to give it to Harry. He was good.

"Fuck off, Styles," Nick huffed, getting up from the couch to leave the room, but not before sending me a dark look. I ignored it, though, which I had gotten pretty used to doing lately.

Harry didn't seem bothered by Nick's words as he turned to me, the smile still evident on his face. I couldn't help but return it, feeling the corners of my lips twitch. "So, no video of cuddling cats?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

He shook his head, a chuckle escaping his lips. "No, unfortunately not. Just some joke between his mates at the radio station," he explained, glancing at the now closed door of the lounge room. I was honestly a bit surprised that he had left us alone.

I nodded in understanding, looking around the room before focusing on him again, feeling a bit nervous all of a sudden. "So, are you going to Liam's place tonight?" I asked, letting my teeth sink into my bottom lip, the atmosphere getting more tense by the second.

He shrugged his shoulders, pursing his lips. "Yeah, I guess. You?" He replied, looking at me curiously.

"That's the plan."

He nodded, looking down at his fingers on his lap. "I guess I'll see you there then," he said, his lips twitching as he looked up and tilted his head to the side.

"Yeah," I replied, pulling at my bottom lip with my fingers.

I knitted my eyebrows as a thought entered my head. There was something I had wanted to ask him about since Saturday. I just hadn't found the courage to do so yet since I didn't know what his reaction would be.

"Um... Can I ask you a question?" I asked tentatively, looking at him through my lashes.

He shrugged, seeming unbothered. "Sure."

I turned my gaze to my lap, fiddling with a loose string of my jeans. "I kind of wanted to ask you about Leah," I said hesitantly, watching as a look of confusion crossed his face, the famous crease forming between his brows.

"Leah?"

"Yeah," I swallowed. "I couldn't help but notice the way you both looked at me the other day. You know, when I was keeping a distance. It just made me wonder if you've told her about us?" I questioned, inhaling a large breath. I could almost feel myself sweating, knowing how he reacted last time Leah was brought up in our conversation.

His mouth formed the shape of an 'o' as he realized what I was referring to. "Oh, you mean that. No, I haven't. She just figured I was unusually quiet and asked me about it, but she already assumed it had to do with you. Not in a romantic way, of course. I guess people are more observant at this place than I first thought," he explained, looking me in the eyes.

I nodded, thinking about the way Logan had picked up on our friendship as well. Maybe that had to do with the fact that I had told him a few months ago that we weren't friends anymore and hadn't been in a long time, though, so it might not be that weird that he had picked up on it. And Leah had been on a date with Harry just a couple of days ago, so it probably wasn't weird that she had an eye on him either.

"Maybe it's because you two were pretty close? I mean, you were on two dates after all," I shrugged, shifting in my seat.

He let out a snort, shaking his head. "They should barely count as dates. I basically just drove her home that evening when she joined us in the hallway, and you know what happened the other time," he mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

I felt strangely happy about this fact, even if he had pretty much convinced me when he picked me up from the pub that he didn't just drive her home that night. He was such a liar. "She doesn't seem very pissed at you, though. I mean, since you basically told her you don't want to date her anymore," I remarked.

He looked up at me then, his brows furrowed. "Yeah, I know. Somehow, it feels like she just wants what's best for me, if that makes sense? I mean, I'm sure she's disappointed about it, but it's like being my friend means more to her than not being anything to me at all."

A hesitant smile formed on my lips. "It sounds like she's a great girl," I said slowly.

A chuckle escaped his lips. "She hasn't done anything to prove me otherwise, so I guess so," he shrugged.

I nodded, looking down at my lap. If I were honest, I couldn't see what made him not want to date her, despite knowing what I came to terms with the other day about myself, that I might be part of the reason. She did sound like good girlfriend material, though, and I wondered if there was anything not to like about her. It surprised me that he felt the need to leave her place that night, but I guess if it didn't feel right, there was nothing to do about it.

"Don't give me that look, Louis," Harry muttered, and when I looked back up at him, I could see the scowl on his face. It made me knit my brows in confusion.

"What look?"

He pursed his lips. "The one that makes the people looking at you feel like they've hurt you deeply. It makes me feel guilty, and I don't know what for," he explained, running a hand through his dark curls.

I let out a dry chuckle. "Says the one who's been giving me that look the last month, although I know I deserve it," I replied. My intention was not to sound harsh in the slightest, but judging from the way his face fell, I could tell that the words hit him hard.

A look of realization crossed his face, his eyebrows knitting together. It was as if he hadn't thought about it until now. "I'm sorry," he apologized.

Letting out a sigh, I sagged my shoulders. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it... or, at least not like that. I didn't mean any harm with it."

He bit his lip. "I'm sorry anyway," he mumbled.

"Don't be," I reassured him, trying to make eye contact. It took a few seconds until he looked up, his green eyes finding mine hesitantly.

We exchanged a small smile before getting up from our seats since it was time to head home for the day. I was pretty sure it was even later than it should be. "I'll see you later, yeah?" I said, keeping my eyes on him as he picked up his phone from the couch.

He turned around, meeting my gaze with a nod of his head. "Of course. I have a feeling tonight's going to be fun," he grinned, his left dimple showing.

I nodded in agreement, cracking a smile myself. "Yeah, me too."

With that said, we walked out of the lounge room and headed our separate ways.

-----

Looks like the tables have turned, eh? Now Harry's the one to apologize haha. But even if things are better, they're still pretty awkward around each other, I know. It's going to get better soon, though x

On a different note, I've got three weeks vacation now, so I hope it won't take too long between the next few updates. And I finally got vaccinated today!

Thank you for reading, voting and commenting. Are you looking forward to hearing KMM and Adore you during UEFA EURO as much as I am?

Oh, and btw, thank you so much for 100K reads. You're amazing <3

Edited by: butterflies151

Pauline .xx