Chapter 73 - Missing Him

— Tris

"Tobias, you have to go," I lock my eyes with his, hoping he understands my seriousness.

Josh has asked for him to go to the factions along with other leaders to be on the same page about what to do with the Bureau and their soldiers in our city.

The ultimate location of his trip of meetings is Amity and the fence, but his first stop would be at Candor until Peter is executed. Right now they are in the middle of his trials, among with two other suspects of the letters under West's name, but he already has been tried guilty and given the sentence to death.

Trials can last months, and this one has barely begun. And Tobias will be there the whole time, before moving onto the next Faction and whatever it might hold.
This means that he could be gone for months.

If things escalate, he might even have to travel to the Bureau with this pack of leaders.

"We have a two year old son who keeps growing, and I don't want to miss making memories with him and you, Tris." He tries to persuade me. "I want to stay here, make sure my family is safe. Tris, we have more on the line now other than you and me!"

"Which is why you have to go!" I remark, stopping pacing to stare at him. "Tobias, it's not a dangerous mission. You're just talking in meetings to try and keep peace. If you don't go, someone could say something wrong who went in your place, and a whole goddamn war could break out."

He's quiet for a second, our apartment still with regard to Indy's breathing. Thomas is with my parents today spending quality time. They came here for dinner last night and took Tom back to my old home with them. We're planned to pick him up after dinner tonight.

I knew we needed time alone without our son to talk about this.

"We can video chat, you could take the train back for a day or two when you get the chance. Tobias, we could make this work! Thomas and I will be fine, and—"

"There's other leaders that could go instead of me—"

"I already answered that, Tobias!" I snap, cutting him off.

We both are quiet again for a moment. I continue to pace across the living room as I hear him sigh. I don't even have to look to know he's running a hand through his hair.

Yeah, Tobias, I'm stubborn. You already know that.

"I know we've talked about having more kids," I hit him in a sore spot. "Getting a bigger place and growing old together, but like hell thats not going to happen if Bureau soldiers are here planning to tell us what to and not to do Tobias, I don't want to raise children and build a family in a world like this!" I feel tears brim my eyes.

Tobias has brought up several times having another baby before Tom's third birthday. He wants another kid so badly I know he would do just about anything for it.

And so would I.

I just want to know that we can keep what we have, the three of us, safe before we expand.
I would love another child, to grow my family with Tobias, but I don't want to selfishly put a child in this world just for it to suffer.

"All of the leaders are just as capable as me, Tris," he says, breaking my thoughts.

From his tone of voice, I know even he doesn't believe that. I give him a deathly glance, feeling my eyes mist as I keep my stare to his deep orbs.

His chest is tense as our eyes stay locked.

Of course I don't want him to leave.
I want to fall asleep in his arms every night after we kiss our son good night.
I want to have another baby with him: another combination of him and I that we can love just as much as Thomas.
I want all of this, just like I want none of it until the Bureau soldiers are gone.

"Fine." He sighs, sitting on the couch and throwing his head back. I stand still for a few moments, somewhat in shock that he actually gave in.

He's going to leave Tom and I— possibly for what could be a year.

Am I a bad wife for asking him to do so?

I creep over to the couch and sit next to him, running my finger over a crease on his face from his stress before lacing my fingers into his hair.

"Thank you." My voice is small as I press my lips to the skin of his cheek near his ear.

He's thirty.
He shouldn't have to deal with these decisions.
If we want a family, or to grow our existing family, we should just be able to do it, no questions asked.

"I'm suppose to leave tomorrow, once I tell Josh that I'm going," he opens his eyes to look at me. Our faces are just far enough apart that I feel his breath slightly when he talks. His hand moves to caress my cheek, brushing a piece of hair behind my ear.

The closeness leaves me tingling with passion.
I love him.
So so much.

"I don't know when I'll be back—" I can't take the small amount of distance between us anymore and I press my lips to his. He kisses me back with more passion than I expected.

"It doesn't matter." I say when we separate for mere seconds, shifting to become more comfortable on the couch. His lips are on mine just as I stretch out my left leg, trying my best to not injure myself again by bending it at a weird angle.

The kiss deepens quickly as his other hand pulls me closer to him and our tongues intertwine with each other.

I'm going to miss him, but that's alright.
We have time together right now.
And then when he returns we will have time together for the rest of our lives.

+    +    +

"Let's just call it quits for the time being, alright?" I sigh, accepting the staff from Chris as she holds her lower back.

She's just eighteen weeks pregnant now, and her pregnancy hasn't been the easiest.

I want to forgive her for the emotional trauma she's put me through, but I still fully can't.

I've mentally trained myself not to trust people— especially those who physically attack me.
I can't help it.

But I'm worried she can't help it either.
It's almost like she can't help what she's saying.

Or maybe that's just a theory I'm creating: a theory to give myself a reason to put up with the continual abuse of her words.

It's our jobs though— I agreed to train her and Zeke, and that's what I'm doing. Her and I took enough of a break, and now I tolerate her and her words enough to train.
However, I do make an effort to not be alone with her.
Shauna has been coming with us to training, under the alias that it's fun bonding for the three of us, but in reality I asked her to come because of my worry.

If she were to come after me, I worry I wouldn't only hurt her, but I would also be responsible for the injury of her unborn child.

I could never live with myself.

"I should be able to still train. I'm only four months, that's not that far and—"

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Christina," I don't struggle to be compassionate, it's just second nature. "You can't keep putting yourself through this—"

"Don't tell me what to do." She snaps, cutting me off.

"That's not at all what I'm trying to do," I talk as I walk across the training room to the closet where we store the staffs. "I'm worried about you, Chris, because I care about you."

I really wish that Shauna didn't just leave minutes ago for a work call.
I hate being alone with her.

I am about to excuse myself when I notice the absence of my phone.
Shit. I mentally curse when I remember leaving it on the table where Chris stands, silently setting her water bottle on said table.

I trudge back over to the table, wanting no more than to pick up my son at his grandmother's and go home to be away from her.

"Where's Four?"

"Business meeting." I say shortly as I'm halfway to the table.

She knows where he is.
She asked me two days ago and I told her how he was in Candor and why.

Maybe now I wish I hadn't.

"Pretty lame excuse for him leaving you." Her eyebrow raises and I still from my distance away from her.

"There's, what, five leaders? If he really loved you one of those other five would have been going. Who leaves his wife and son for months at a time when someone else could have gone instead—"

"Just stop." I briskly move and grab my phone from the table. She grabs my wrist and I yank it from her grasp.

There's no sense in arguing with her anymore.
There's no sense in conversation.
All she does is attack me and use everything I say against me.

"What, are you scared of being around me? Or are you that irritated by me knowing your husband more than you do?" She sneers from across the room but I don't avert my route or look behind me.

And I don't stop until I reach Evelyn's door— my smiling son running into my arms when he sees me.

Tobias usually would watch him while I would train.

I don't like the idea of my two year old being in the training room at all, and I don't care if Tobias calls me paranoid for my worry.

There's so many things that could hurt him.

So every time I've met to train with Christina or Zeke since Tobias left he has stayed with Evelyn.

"What's this?" I exaggerate my enthusiasm when I see my son hold up a new toy car. "Did grandma get that for you?" I jostle his blonde curls and pick up his bag of toys.

"Yeah!" He waves the red car near my face and I lean back slightly, allowing myself to chuckle.

"Did you thank her?"

"Thank you!" He gives her a toothy grin which makes her laugh.

"You're welcome, sweetheart," she leans down and kisses him goodbye.

"Thank you for watching him. I really do appreciate it," I smile at my mother in-law.

"It's never a hassle." She smiles, bidding us goodbye as Tom walks with me down the hall, holding my hand with one hand and his new car in the other.

I sigh when we enter the apartment, Indy greeting us excitedly.

"Daddy?" Tom looks up at me when I let myself fall on the couch. His eyes are wide, hopeful, eager.

"No," I shake my head. "Just you and I for now."

His eyes grow sad and I sigh, picking him up and kissing his cheek.

.
"Daddy's in the computer Tom, see?"  I point to the laptop where Tobias desperately tries to get his son's attention by waving and saying his name.

All Tom does is scream crying.

He's his father's boy, and he misses his father.
So much that he doesn't even see him when he's on the screen.

He's never acted like this before, and it breaks my heart.

I caused this.

I told Tobias things would be fine if he left.
I didn't realize my son would become so upset.

"I'll call you back. He's been cranky today—" I hang up quickly and spend the next hour calming Thomas down to go to sleep.

I sigh, picking up the laptop and going into the bedroom. Indy follows me and I shut the door behind us.

"Hey," he answers just seconds after I call.

"Hi." I sit on the bed, Indy's head on my lap as I play with the fur on his head. He clearly doesn't have a clue who I'm talking to, nor does he seems to care. He falls asleep within minutes Tobias and my conversation.

"Has he been doing that every day?" Tobias asks, referring to Thomas's tantrum.

"No," I lie. "He just hasn't been sleeping well, so he's been cranky.

Well, only half a lie.

It's been three weeks since Tobias left, and my usually happy son has cried just about every day of each week. He refuses to sleep when he remembers Tobias isn't here, and if he's not distracted all the time he gets upset and asks where his father is.

I can't tell Tobias that though.

He will up everything he is doing and come back.
I mean, of course I want him to come back so my son is happy, but he's doing important things that have to be done.

"Why was he so upset the past two times I called?" I wonder if he is on to my lying, but judging by the look on his face he is only concerned.

"The video chat makes him upset. He misses you, a lot, but he is fine until he hears you on the chat, I guess. I don't know, Tobias. It just confuses him, I guess."

Again, only half a lie.

"He's been fine with it in the past. Remember when we chatted Shauna and Zeke in the hospital?"

"They weren't his father who he misses, I guess? Again, Tobias I don't know."

"So I just won't video chat with him, I guess." His voice sounds sad, and my heart breaks.

He misses his son too.
.



"Let's get ready for bed." I say after feeding Indy and scooping Tom into my arms. I put him in his pjs and try to get him to use the potty before he goes to bed.

"Daddy?" He looks at me when I tuck him into bed.

"Remember that cool car grandma gave you today?" God, I hate doing this to him. He always gets so upset before going to bed because Tobias always tucks him in. I try with every ounce of me to get his mind off of his father.

I miss him too, Thomas.
I really really do.

"Good night, Thomas," I kiss his head, leaving the door cracked when I leave his bedroom.

I walk out to the kitchen and grab a glass of water, releasing my hair from its ponytail and sighing.

Indy trots in, sitting on the kitchen floor and looking at me with his big brown eyes.

"He's not calling tonight," I say to the dog, but mainly to myself. "He's got meetings and important things, not to mention exhaustion."

"Mommy?" I hear my son whine and I set my glass down.

"Yes, baby?" I sit down on his bed and stroke his hair.

"When daddy here?" I see his blue eyes preparing to cry.

"He's working, Tom. I told you, remember?" My voice is small and Tom sniffles.

"Hey, hey," I wipe a tear. "He's going to be home soon, okay?"

"Daddy?" He cries and I sigh, taking his tiny hands in mine.

"No!" He waves his hands and breaks them from mine. "Daddy!" He screams.

"Thomas, I'm sorry. Your father isn't here right now." I try to calmly talk as he screams and kicks into a tantrum.

"Thomas, stop." I hold down his one leg that comes close to kicking my thigh.

"No!" He kicks harder and I end up standing from the bed to avoid his small feet finding my left leg.

That's the last thing I need right now.

"Thomas, look at me." My voice is sharp through his screaming. "You wouldn't act this way around your father, would you? No? Then why are you acting this way around me?" His eyes meet mine as his screaming stops but he still cries.

"You're two years old, Thomas. Act like the big boy you are."

I hate resorting to reprimanding him.
He just misses his father.
But he can't keep acting out like this.

"Go to sleep. I love you." I try to fix the blankets he kicked and kiss his head once again, knowing I'll be back most likely within the hour to have him ask the same question about his father.

I exit the room and decide to go to bed. Indy sits outside the bedroom door, waiting for me to come.

Usually Tobias and I don't let him in the bedroom anymore. When we do let him in, he tries to sleep in the bed with us, and then there's just too much heat between the three of us.

However, since Tobias has been gone, I've been letting Indy keep me company.

And, it's the winter now, so I don't mind the warmth, especially when Tobias's form is absent.

However, Indy is always hesitant to enter the bedroom since I've been letting him. Every night he waits for me to see if I will let him in.

"Come on," I wave to him and he jumps up from the floor, running in and popping up onto the bed. I sigh, getting under the covers as Indy curls up next to me.

And like I expected, I am awake with my son three more times that night.