Chapter 58 - My Son

—Tris

"We never talked about names." Tobias says from the living room as I pace.
I can't stay in one position for even a minute before the pain in my back becomes too much.

"Have you thought about any?" I ask, because I haven't even thought about it.

"Barely," he laughs.

"It would be cute if we did a 'T' name. Like a name beginning with the letter, just like ours," I think out loud.

"Yeah," he agrees, the ball probably halfway filled.

I groan, feeling the painful pressure on my back signaling another contraction coming on.

I don't want to do this anymore.

"Breathe, baby," I hear Tobias as I move into the kitchen.

I can feel him slowly moving in my body, lowering down to eventually leave my body.

And it feels awful.

"Tobias?" I cry, my heart pounding as my lower body contracts.
I can't do this without him.

"I'm here," he holds me close and I lean on him, lacing his hand in mine, my face against his bare chest.
It's a million degrees in here.

He helps me breathe through the contraction, and I panic as the contraction ends and there is still a new dull pain from deep inside of me.

I look at Tobias and his eyes meet mine. I feel myself melting, holding onto him for my life.

"You're okay," he cups my cheek and I open my mouth to disagree but a sob I wasn't expecting is all that leaves.

It's nearing two in the morning on June 22, and he's been by my side, dealing with my pacing and discomfort all night.
The last time the midwife came an hour ago I was at eight centimeters, nearing nineteen hours since my water broke.

I know I've been through a lot, and I know I can tolerate a lot.
But I don't believe I can do this much longer.

—Tobias

She's sobbing uncontrollably and I don't know what to do.

"Tris, baby, talk to me." Her tears run down her cheeks and she breathes heavily.

"Beatrice, please say something. I'm worried about you, Tris."

"I'm tired," she says weakly between her sobs. "I don't want to do this anymore, Tobias. It hurts." Her grey eyes lock with mine and I hold her tighter.

"Should I call the midwife?"

"I don't know," she whines.

"Let me keep blowing up the ball, maybe that will help," I hate pulling away from her right grasp on me but I can't stand seeing her like this.

I pump the ball faster as she walks into the spare guest bedroom. We decided she will give birth in there, on the double sized bed that now is covered in plastic with some blankets we are not concerned about getting dirty.
When the midwife was here last time we also decided on a position to try for her to give birth.
Since she's been so clingy upon her water breaking, the midwife suggested to try her being with me against the wall, then her back to my chest and her being between my legs. This way I will be right there with her, and I can have both her hands in mine.
Plus, I don't know how I'd be watching a child come out of my wife... Tris needs me conscious for support, not supporting from below.

The ball is almost filled when I hear Tris cry out again, moaning in pain.
My heart pangs.
I stop blowing up the ball again and note the time: two forty-nine.

"Here," I carry the blown up yoga ball over to her and help her sit on it. Discomfort is all over her face as the contraction takes over her body. I hold onto her, knowing her terrible sense of balance, as she moves slowly on the ball, moaning with her head on my shoulder.

There's a soft knock on the door and I yell that it's open.

The contraction lasts for over a minute before Tris releases my hands to speak with the midwife.

"Your contractions are really close together, Tris. That's a good sign!" She flips through the yellow pad before I help move Tris into the spare bedroom to be checked.

"You're close to nine! Not completely there yet, but close enough to so," she says, glad with the progress. "Let me know the second you feel any pressure, because he's going to be ready soon."

She prepares things for the birth as I don't leave Tris's side. She paces around the whole house at least twice during the next four contractions that she has.

"You're doing so good, Tris," her arms are around my neck as she breathes heavily. I sway us back and forth slowly, and I feel One kicking her just for her bump being against my stomach.

That has to hurt.

"Ow—" she screeches as the next contraction starts and I wince when I feel all her back muscles tense against my hands.
I hate seeing her go through this.

"No, I'm not ready," she says, almost like a mantra, as she cries through the contraction.
They're less than five minutes apart,

"Yes you are, baby," I hold her close. "Your body clearly is, and so is One."

"Tris, let's lay you down," the midwife comes over and suggests gently.

"No—" she cries, looking up at me.
My heart aches.
I don't want her to go through this either.

"Be brave, Tris," I move us slowly towards the guest bedroom, stopping halfway through the hallway when she cries out in pain.

"There you go," the midwife helps her scoot back onto my chest on the bed, a pillow behind my back and a water bottle next to me for Tris if she needs it.

"You're okay," I have my face right next to her ear in this position, and I can feel her shaking in what may be fear or may be pain.

The midwife explains to Tris how to push, and what to expect, knowing that neither of us reading the helpful papers she gave.

I've never been more anxious in my life for anything.

"On the next contraction, give it a go, Tris," she continues to prep some things at the foot of the bed, being three feet left of the mattress from where Tris's bottom is.

Not that I've ever witnessed a birth before, but it seems like the double sized bed on its side like this is a good amount of space, not being too long or too short. The midwife is not on the bed, but sitting on a chair behind Tris's legs.

Her hands squeeze mine tightly each time she pushes, sweat beading down her head.

The sounds that leave her mouth almost make me cry.
I don't like seeing her like this.

After ten minutes of pushing and three contractions, the midwife tells her not to give up.

I, riskily, peer down near Tris's bottom, trying to see what the midwife is doing, but see nothing yet.

Inhaling, Tris pushes again, her hands shaking as they grip mine.

She screeches, shaking her head and exhaling a yell.

I peer down again, but this time deeply regret it.

"You're crowning! Come on, push through the burning, you can do it!" The midwife encourages but Tris leans back against me,

Her contraction stopped.

She's crying, gasping in pain as I press my lips to whatever part of her face I can reach from behind her.

"Breathe, you're okay, I love you," my voice is deep and I wonder if she can tell that it's shaking. I breathe exaggeratedly, trying to get her to get oxygen, but instead her back arches off of me as another contraction comes.

"Push hard, Tris," the midwife's voice is serious, and I think she is realizing that the peppy encouragement is not making Tris any more inspired.

"Get him out, Tris," I whisper and she is shaking her head.

"I can't—" she cries out.

"Yes you can. Come on," my voice is low and my heart hurts.

I want her to push so she isn't in pain anymore.

She inhales and pushes for just a few seconds before she stops again.

"Tris you have to keep going, you can't stop pushing once he starts coming out."

"Ready?"

"No—"

"Breathe, come on, do it again Tris." I find that she's needing someone to tell her what to do.
She's panicking.
And for all the right reasons.


I mean, a child is trying to make its way out of her, and by far not in a glamorous way.

She breathes in with me and pushes while I count to ten, and I'm proud that she lasts until eight before crying out.

"Come on, again," I breath again with her and she cooperates, pushing the full ten seconds before actually screaming at the top of her lungs.

I want to tell her to stop, that she doesn't have to do this.


But I can't.


I have to encourage her to keep going and get him out.

She pushes one more time before the contraction ends, but One's head is still not out.

In the stolen moments between contractions, she allows all of her body weight to fall back on me as she releases my hands slightly. She's dripping in sweat, and each time she exhales she whines a little.
I want it to stop.

"One big push and his head will be out," the midwife stresses as her next contraction starts. "That's all you need."

And she does it.

Gripping my hands so tight I wonder if I loose blood flow, I physically hear his head leave her body and shutter.

"There you go," the midwife says and I kiss Tris's cheek. "Take a break for a minute, I'm going to clean him up." She takes a little device and cleans out his nostrils and mouth before Tris starts muttering something.

"What's the matter?" I press my cheek against hers and she cries out.

"I can't— I have to push. It hurts—" she cries and the midwife calms her, moving some blankets and telling her to do what her body is telling her to.

I help her through the rest of the contraction, averting my gaze from the mess below her.

"There you go! One more," the midwife says in a collected tone.

Tris is animalistic with pain, moving around her hips and back to try and get comfortable.

"Just push," I squeeze her hand lightly. "And then you can get as comfortable as you want."

She shakes her head no and continues moving around, shaking her head.

"Tris," the midwife calls, looking concerned.

"Beatrice, honey." I squeeze her hands right now, knowing she's not listening to either of us.  "Listen to me. Stay with me, Beatrice." My voice is louder than I intend for it to be, but my worry is growing.

"You're okay. Everything's fine, Tris, you just have to push." I use our intertwined hands to hold her against me, a pathetic makeshift embrace at an odd angle.

"Come on, breathe," I whisper and she cooperates, then pushes.

But I don't even get the chance to start counting before she sighs, but not like she has been in pain.

I don't notice that I'm crying until I'm actually sobbing.

That's my son.

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Happy surprise Sunday update!

I figured such a special chapter deserved it's own special day outside of the schedule... (:

Baby name will be in the next chapter on Tuesday ...!!

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Thanks for reading!

All the love,
Kat