Chapter 55 - Not Today

— Tris

Thinking back to the past month of my pregnancy gives me a headache.

First, the good news of my leg, for the first time ever, working with me and actually healing.
It's shocking.

The next day my midwife came to the house to meet Tobias and I. That day I learned more than ever that I'm not ready to have a baby, yet alone give birth.
I had a panic attack while she was sitting in my living room just from her talking about how things will happen once I go into labor.
She reassured that she's seen women with worse anxiety than me at this stage in their pregnancy, but she did attempt to calm me down with Tobias.

The week following was even busier, because it started off with getting my official due date: June 22. We saw our son on the ultrasound monitor for the last official time with my OB before he will be born.
And when she told me that, I had another panic attack.

The idea of giving birth makes me freak out. In no way am I joyful or excited when I think about it.

That week was rough too, because One was growing tremendously. I managed to gain four pounds that week alone, and my doctor said that probably two of those pounds were directly his little body growing.

And then there was last week: my baby shower that Shauna and Chris threw.
I was so glad that my body, and baby, cooperated that day.

I got more baby clothes and toys than I know what to do with at that shower. The nursery is packed with gift bags that I'm still slowly unwrapping for the second time since their original opening at the party.

Caleb and Cara came for that whole weekend with Bea and stayed with Will and Chris. It was fun getting to spend time with them and see my niece again.

"Good morning, beautiful," I'm drawn from my thoughts when Tobias wakes next to me.

Today's June 18, I'm thirty-nine weeks pregnant.
I could go into labor at any second.

"Not today," I whisper as he presses his lips to my massive bump.

"You don't know that, Tris," he laughs.

"Neither do you," I raise my eyebrow at him and he cups my cheek.

We lay facing each other for a while until a Braxton hicks contraction makes me uncomfortable and I moan rolling away from Tobias.

Like usual, Tobias begins to panic, asking me if I'm okay and coddling me protectively.

"God Tobias, I'm fine!" I snap, suddenly irritated from his obsession with thinking every little pain means I'm going into labor. "What's going to happen when I actually go into labor? Are you going to call Erudite and make them broadcast it to the whole city?" I'm distracted from the pain when I yell at him, but when the false contraction stops I begin crying hysterically from what I said to him.

"You're too nice to me," I sob into his chest, One kicking real hard, clearly upset.

"I'm not nice either, Tris," he chuckles and I feel his hand laced in my hair. "That's why we get along so well. You have an excuse, imagine how terrible I'd be if I were the one carrying the baby." He remarks gaining a light laugh from me.

He might make the whole compound explode if he was in my place.
I imagine him yelling at every single person and thing that slightly irritated him.

"One is screwed. We're going to have the meanest, most not-nice kids on the planet." I exclaim.

Ugh.

"And stubborn," he adds and I scoff.

"I can't wait to hold him." He says after a few minutes of silence,

Me too. I want to say, but my anxiety if giving birth doesn't allow me to.

+ + +

—Tobias

She may not notice it, but she's been pacing.

Every other hour I feel the bed shift as she gets up to move around that night, early into the morning of June 19.

I sigh, the heat of the apartment rising.
Of course she is due during the week of the first official heat wave in Chicago.

"Are you warm? I'll turn down the air conditioning if you want," I join her in the living room to find her walking back and forth along the hallway. Indy is sitting a few feet away from her, and he looks toward me thumping his tail when I speak.

"Will you rub my back?" Her voice is small, almost defeated.
She sounds like she might have been crying.

"Of course," I'm taken aback by the chipper tone I reply with. I press some buttons on the keypad on the wall, making the executive decision that it's too warm in here, and then move over to her.

Her arms wrap around my torso and I'm surprised by how much she leans on me. Separating my feet more to balance myself, I run my thumbs down her back.

"Are you okay?" I ask her.

"Yeah, he just won't stop moving. I told you, not today Tobias."

"That was yesterday, and the day before," I laugh lightly, changing the position of my thumbs on her back gaining a slight moan of satisfaction from her in the process.

"Not today, Tobias," she sounds defeated and I almost beg to differ with her.

I think today.

After I rub her back for a while she grows uncomfortable again and asks me not to touch her.

Everything she says sounds small and defeated.
All I want to do is hold her in my arms and take away her pain, but I can't.

I hope today is the day.
I just can't stand to see her suffer anymore.

However, she was correct, and I was not.

June 19 was not the day.
Neither was June 20.

Those two days she paces around the house in her sports bra and gym shorts.

It's nearly over one hundred degrees outside, and the hottest it has gotten is seventy in our apartment.

Christina managed to visit twice, despite Tris's strong desire for no one to be around her in this state.
A few times I took Indy for a walk through the boiling compound just to give her a break from my company.
She distracted her with preparation for her wedding, asking Tris's opinion on colors of cream for the napkins or some dumb shit like that.

The night of June 20 was unusually normal.
Tris fell asleep on the couch around eleven that night, and she didn't wake to pace until four the morning of the 21st.
She hasn't slept for even four hours consistently since early in her second trimester; before we knew One was a boy.

I joined her in the hallway and rubbed her back for a few minutes before the pain in her back became too much and she laid back down on the couch. She told me to go back to bed, and how she felt bad to keep me awake.

She also added in that she had no chance of sleeping with me sitting in the recliner two feet away, staring at her.

I fell back asleep for a half hour before I woke, her small hand on my shoulder.

"Tobias?" Her voice still is small and defeated.
I can tell she hates being in a vulnerable state like this.

"Yeah?" I wake quickly.
Is it today?

"Will you shower with me? I— I just am worried I'll fall if I'm alone and I feel really gross and—" I can hear the tears in her voice and I cut her off.

"Of course, Tris." I look over and notice it is quarter to seven in the morning.

I hold her in the shower, rubbing her back as the cool water sprays on us. Taking some soap, I rub her bump for a few moments of affection before she says the discomfort is too much when I touch it. I return to rubbing her back with soap, her face pressed on my chest.

Suddenly I feel something weird under my thumbs on her lower back.
All of her muscles seem to grow tense all at once as she moans in discomfort like she has in the past.
I press harder against her tensing muscles, and through her moan of discomfort she begs me not to stop rubbing.

After a few minutes I feel her back muscles relax and she calms again.

And suddenly I remember something.
She hasn't said that June 21 wasn't 'not today' yet.