Chapter 32 - Safe

— Tris

"So to my assumption, you can't feel any of this on your leg?" Dr. Scott comments, running the ultrasound over my calf.

"I kind of feel the wand pushing, but nothing else."

I see the muscles in my leg on the small machine as she runs the wand back and forth over my tissue. She points out the fine lines where torn muscle has healed, and the few places where it will remain unhealed unless something drastic happens that I need to have another surgery.

"Is it those small unhealed spots causing the bad pain I still have?"

"It surely could be, but I think that this might be the culprit." She runs her finger along the screen on a lighter layer above my muscles below the skin. "Tendinitis has developed since you've been walking. It's mainly just lactic acid build up in your calf from being immobile for so long, and then walking now in the boot. I'm going to have you stop using the boot and get to normal walking with crutches if you need."

"So I don't use this anymore?" I motion to my boot.

"Use it to get home, but no. If you do want more protection on it, you could use an ace bandage or some kind of brace from a pharmacy, but make sure it doesn't compress on your calf too much if you choose to get one. I'd recommend not completely using the full range of your ankle yet, but just slowly using your leg more regularly with the help of crutches should help your pain in the long run. It's going to be a hard adjustment though, and your pain will probably get worse before it gets better. Nothing I haven't told you before though," she smiles at me.

She removes the wand and hands me a towel to wipe my leg knowing I really don't fancy her wiping it herself.

"Now, about what you were telling me earlier," she refers to the memory I was telling her about, and about my concern of my heart stopping in my fifth year returning home.

"It kills me to say, but I legally can't prescribe you any heart attack prevention drugs without symptoms or past symptoms of any heart attack. Unless the bloodwork we just ran shows any kind of drug that you're saying you remember receiving, I just cannot give you anything for no reason without my position being in question."

"But my heart stopped twice four years ago, doesn't that count?"

"It wasn't from any kind of cause, Tris. I remember it clearly because of how strange it was. One second your heart was strong and beating, your blood pressure and heart rate was fine, and then you were flatlining. No one here had ever seen anything like it, and then the same thing happened to you not even a week later. Your file doesn't show a heart attack because we didn't know how to diagnose it. I'm sorry Tris, but I just can't do anything about it unless your bloodwork comes back showing something."

She clicks around on her computer and I sit in frustration, wiping the gel from the ultrasound off my calf and pulling down my jean pant leg and putting on my walking cast.

"Your bloodwork came back, and everything looks alright Tris. I'm still seeing the drug I gave you for your eyesight in the workup, which is good, surely better than you being blind. Your iron is fine, and if it wasn't I would've suspected future problems, but everything looks fine, great actually."

"Well, I guess that's good."

"It really is. I will have you come in for more frequent bloodwork if you're seriously concerned. Whatever you're comfortable with and whatever I can do, I am happy to help. If this is the case and you're worried about your heart stopping again, we should see it in your bloodwork, or you will find you have an extreme amount of fatigue beforehand. Call me if you ever have serious fatigue, or just go right to the dauntless infirmary and have them transfer you here. I don't want you to think that I'm taking your memory lightly, because I'm surely worried as well. We will do bloodwork monthly, if that's alright, and that will show any signs you're worried about before you would even notice. I don't want this to ruin your life Tris, but I need you to trust that I believe you and what you're saying. You have to trust that I'm going to watch you and take care of you, alright?"

I nod unsure of my thoughts.

The Erudite inside of me tells me to trust the facts: trust the bloodwork.

By brain screams otherwise.

I bid a goodbye to Dr. Scott and make my way to the train stop and wait.

I do understand the logic to make the trains stop. It would have been hard for me to get here today if the train didn't stop because I cannot drive and Tobias is sick.

The train pulls up and comes to a halt and I wait for people to get off before stepping on, leading with my right leg.

Moments later the train slowly begins moving, taking the few people alongside me to their desired destination.

I feel empty.

I don't know the truth anymore.
I don't know what to trust.

I do know I want to be near Tobias.
I know he is the truth.
I know I can trust him.

Indy greets me as I enter my apartment and Tobias turns his head smiling at me from the couch.

"How are you feeling?" I lay my cold hand on his forehead. He could have a temperature, or it could be that I was just outside where it is much cooler than in here.

"You're cold," he comments taking my hand from his head and putting it in his hands.

"What'd you figure out today?" He asks the dreaded question.

"I'm fine, bloodwork wise. The boot has been causing tendinitis in my leg so I'm suppose to just walk with crutches or whatever until I'm normal, which will never happen."

"Hey, stop that. I get you're not Amity but you need to chill Tris. The bloodwork came back alright, so accept that and try to move on."

I walk into the kitchen for a glass of water and notice Indy standing at the apartment door still.

"Has he been walked? Fed?"

"I walked him a few hours ago, and he doesn't eat until seven."

"Alright. Do you want anything?"

"I want you to take a nap with me," he appears in the entrance to the kitchen. "I'm exhausted and you never sleep, so I can assume you're tired too."

"I was going to go down to the office for a little while," I lie.

"No you weren't," he reads me instantly. "Come on, Tris. Just lie down for a little while, relax with me."

The thought crosses my mind, how cold the dauntless compound is growing as the fall months begin, and even with heat in our apartment it's still chilly.

The bed would be warm.

"Okay, I'll stay home. But I want to do some things first, I'll join you eventually."

"Promise?" He gives me guilty eyes.

I jokingly stick my pinky out to him, a gesture I never was aware of until a few months ago when Christina made a bet with me over how drunk Uriah was going to become.

He wraps his pinky around mine and I reach up and kiss his cheek, the scruff itching my lips as I pull back.

He smiles and runs a hand down my hair, then he turns and goes towards the bedroom. I turn back into the kitchen and grab a sponge from the sink and wet it. The counters have been a mess the past week and I really have been wanted to clean them. While cleaning the counters I decide next that I should take off my boot like Dr. Scott suggested.

Indy slowly walks over and peers at his dishes on the ground. I notice that Tobias forgot to fill his water this morning and the bowl is basically  empty. I pick up the bowl and fill it with water from the sink and set it back on the little mat we have for him by the table.

My leg is throbbing as I hobble towards the couch. I haven't sat down since I've gotten home, and I didn't sit on the train either while I rode from Erudite to Dauntless.

I sigh as my butt hits the cushion, relief of the loss of weight to my leg. Pulling on the Velcro straps, I loosen them and carefully lift my leg out of the stiff shoe.

I can't control my wince as a put my legs up on the couch, running my hand through my hair as I lean back.

I press the heels of my hands to my nose, the pain taking me over as I release a breath.

I'm not sure how long I lie on the couch with my heels of my hands to my bridge of my nose, but I hear Tobias move in the other room and I find myself paralyzed when I sit.

"Hey," I hear him walk over, his voice heavy. "What's up?"

"I'm sorry," I recall how he wanted me to meet him for a nap, but he's probably upset because I look like I was choosing to sleep on the couch instead of joining him. "I was just going to come to the bedroom after I took off my boot and then I just couldn't and—"

"Shh," he cuts me off. "You're alright." He stands up and I feel his arm go under my legs. My hand automatically goes to his chest and grabs his shirt. I feel him lift me off the couch and I try not to panic.

It's just Tobias.
What's wrong with you?

The pain in my leg manages to get worse when I tense as he walks across the living room. Tears brim my eyes as I grip his shirt from both the pain and the fear of being in someone's arms and thrown from them.

"I've got you," he says and I feel him lower me. I gasp, shooting my eyes open and finding his arm to grab onto.

I'm unable to let go of his shirt, paralyzed from the reality that I wasn't thrown when he released me. Slowly I'm able to move my fingers and I let go of his shirt.

He lies down next to me and I feel disjointed. All I feel is the pain in my leg and everything else is numb.

"Come here," he moves over beside me. I didn't realize how cold I was until I felt his warmth. My head finds his chest and he holds me close, as if he were to let go and I would suddenly be gone.

"Sleep. You're exhausted."

I don't reply, I just listen to his heart and breathe heavily. I loose my face in his chest and feel more disjointed than before. There is him, and there is my throbbing leg. Nothing else exists.

"Just know, you'll always be safe with me."

And I believe him.