Chapter 31 - Testing

— Tris

"Please don't tell me you knew about all of this and didn't tell me," I rest my hands on my head, my legs across Tobias's on our couch. Indy snores quietly in his bed across the room, his paws moving in little motions occasionally as he dreams.

"I had no idea, Tris. I haven't been a part of the whole thing since you've been home, and I kind of like it better this way."

"I can't see myself going through testing."

He nods.

"But I feel like I have to."

"You don't have to though, Tris." He sets his hand on my left leg that is in his lap gently, as if he wasn't sure which leg was which. I jerk at the touch, but I'm glad that he doesn't pull his hand away.

I need to get use to it.

"I mean, I have to go see Dr. Scott in two days anyways, and I'm going to be there. I wanted to visit Caleb, Cara and Beatrice though while we were there but I don't know how long the testing will take."

"Are they getting the tests done?"

"I'd be shocked if they didn't."

"True."

He still hasn't moved his hand and I feel myself grow anxious.

"Is this alright?" I can tell he feels my anxiety.

"It should be."

He moves his hand lightly, just barely brushing his thumb across my jean leg covering my calf.

"Look at me," He says. I can't find myself to look over at him, I just stare at Indy across the room, trying to shut out any idea of paranoia.

"Tris."

"I know you would never hurt me, and I want to get over the fact that it doesn't hurt when anyone touches my leg, but I can't Tobias. I just can't. I try hard to let it be normal, but it's not. The reality is I can barely feel your hand from nerve damage, and the idea of feeling nothing scares the shit out of me."

"If I wasn't sure I'm getting sick, I would totally kiss you right now."

I stare at him, tears of stress brimming my eyes. I'm mad how he turned this into a joke, how he changed the topic completely. He flashes a smile at me and I feel myself melt and I can't help but smile.

He almost made me forget about his hand on my leg.
Almost is good enough for me.

"Why do you say things like this when you know we can't?"

"Because I love teasing my fiancé," he smirks.

"Or torturing yourself," I smirk back.

"Tobias, seriously though, what should I do?"

"It's not my call."

I groan mentally.
Sometimes I feel like I just need someone to tell me what to do.

"I know," I admit.

We both are quiet for a little while, his thumb lightly rubbing circles on my calf.
I barely can feel it.
The idea terrifies me.
Nerve damage is terrifying.

"I'm going to go to bed. I'm really not feeling too well," he moves to stand, his hand finally leaving my leg. Upon hearing movement, Indy perks up from his bed across the room. He stretches, his tongue sticking out while he yawns and comes over by me, sitting on the floor while Tobias heads to the bathroom.

"I'll be in in a little bit," I tell him and he nods yawning.

I lay back on the couch, my feet on the warm spot where he was sitting just a few moments ago. Looking up at me are the curious eyes of the dog that sits next to me.

"What should I do Indy?" I whisper softly, pushing fur out of his face with my hand. His head rests on the couch near my side.

I lay there petting him for a while, contemplating thoughts in my head.

Suddenly out of no where my mind flashes

"You've made a choice. Now today is your last day.
If it was up to me, you'd be dead.
I wouldn't tell you to be grateful, because you're probably going to wish that you were dead.
But he's keeping you alive. "

The man's voice is vivid in my head.
Derrick.
He use to bring food around when I was in my cell, and he never said much of anything.

Now suddenly in my mind I think he was much more than that.
How can I not remember?

The memory restarts, but it continues further.

"You've forced me to restart my program way too soon. I knew that this was all going to fail, but I was going to keep you around. You were going to be the head of the new program. You were going to be the first generation in the city. You had potential, and you killed your chance, literally."

How the hell do you expect me to come back from this?

I remember thoughts in my head of things I wanted to say back.
I also remember choosing not to speak.
Speaking never brought positivity to any scenario.

"Come on, I know you're not mute."

His fist flies across my face and another person enters the room as I fall to the ground.

"You asked for this, sir?" A man's voice asks.

"Yes, thank you." Derrick replies.

Suddenly my nostril is on fire as something is pushed up it.

I scream.

There is a needle in my arm and I see blood being taken from me.

I think for a moment about how there still even is blood inside me. After all of the bleeding I've done, how am I still alive?

"Over a course of seven years," he begins. "Your life will be a hell."

-

"In the first weeks home," I recall the memory to Tobias who is lying in bed. "My heart would stop twice. It did."

"Yeah, it did."

"And I would loose my vision six months later."

"That happened too."

"After the vision I was suppose to loose my sense of smell and touch within the next month."

"That never happened," He stares at me.

"I know."

"And in the second year my heart would stop again."

"They almost lost you during that third surgery two years ago. Your heart wouldn't stabilize and you started bleeding like crazy."

"Tobias this is insane."

"So you said they had been putting this up your nose for a long time?"

"David still was just the day or so before you found me."

"But in the memory it was Derrick?"

"Yeah."

We both are quiet for a moment and I walk over to sit on the bed.

"In the fourth year I'm suppose to loose my hearing, as long as I'm still alive."

"Well, your fourth year is almost over."

"In the fifth year, my heart is suppose to stop again, again, as long as I'm alive."

Tobias sits up and looks at me. I can see the gears turning in his head as his eyes study mine.

"I mean, he was wrong with some of the things."

"But not about any of the things with my heart, or my vision."

"Tris, I told you I wasn't going to tell you what to do about the testing."

"I'm going to Erudite already for an appointment with Dr. Scott tomorrow. I will get blood work done then and tell her about all of this."

"I'll come too."

"Tobias, you're sick. You don't need to come, I can do this on my own. You need to get better."

He falls back into the bed, his hands running through his hair.

"If you're going to die again, please try to let he know beforehand." He tries to lighten the scenario.

"I will try my best."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Tobias."