Chapter 19 - Goodbye

— Tris

I cannot snap out of it.

The scene just plays over and over again in my mind.

Who are these people?
Where are they now?
What did I do to make them so angry?

I feel the back of my head bleed each time I'm thrown against the wall. My headache worsens each time the memory restarts, and each time it plays, it moves slower and slower.

The people chase me forever, I'm held in this man's arms for what feels like a year before I'm thrown against the cement.

"Tris," I hear in the distance as I run.

The memory restarts.

"Tris, come back to me," the whisper gets more audible.

I'm thrown against the wall again.

"You're okay, it's just me," the voice is loud now.

I scream, my eyes flying open.

I frantically look around.

No cement walls.

No mass of people chasing me.

No man to throw me into the wall.

My eyes meet this man and I jump back in fear.

"It's me, Tris. It's Amar, don't worry," the man says calmingly, tears staining his face.

"It was real," I mumble in disbelief.

"Where did you go?" Amar looks at me, I now recognize his face and the familiar sense of Tobias and my bedroom.

"Oh my god," is all I can say.

My chest is heaving, it hurts to breathe. I fall back on the bed, and everything is a blur.

"Breathe, Tris. Four is coming back, you're back, you're safe, I'll skin anyone who threats you, I swear." Amar says defensively but I barely hear him through my panic attack.

"I was there," I say.

"At the building?"

I nod.

"What happened?"

"I—" I start but struggle to breathe.

"Can I get you some water?" I hear Amar stand up.

"Don't leave me!" I screech in a tone I don't recognize.

He takes my hand in his.

"I would never."

I hear a door open and close and I unintentionally jump, gripping Amar's hand.

"Hey, Amar. Is there any you'll be around tomorrow that you— what happened?" Tobias stops what he's saying and rushes over to me, making me flinch.

These are the two men that took me out of that prison.

I can trust them.

"I'm sorry, oh god I'm sorry," Tobias immediately moves away, judging by his tone I can see the fear and concern in his face without opening my eyes.

I cannot control my shaking.

I wish it would stop.

+ + +

"If now isn't the best time for you to go to Erudite, I'm sure Caleb and Cara would understand," Tobias comments while in the kitchen.

After a lot of convincing, Amar finally did leave. He felt so bad and was so worried about me he refused to leave for a solid few hours.

"Tobias, I love you, but this isn't stopping me."

"I know. That's okay. Tris, I am okay with you going, I just worry about you."

"I finally know that those years weren't a void of empty space. Tobias, something happened during that time. I mean, it's terrifying being back, but it's less terrifying not knowing what hasn't happened. I just don't know how to describe it."

"You don't have to," he walks over to the couch where my leg is propped up and hands me a grilled cheese on a plate. "Time will take its course, and who knows, maybe the change of being in Erudite will bring some memories. If you ever need me—"

"I will call you every day, Tobias. You can visit whenever you'd like, and I can come home whenever I'd like. Plus, Cara is an amazing cook. Maybe I'll come home and we can eat things better than canned soup and grilled cheese twice a week," I smirk.

I can cook fairly decent, at least I think so, but I cannot really move pots and grab things with two hands on my crutches.

"Hey! I can't help that I've eaten in the Cafeteria literally always since I've moved to Dauntless!"

"No one can make a grilled cheese like you, babe." I smile.

The night comes sooner than I am prepared for. Tobias has helped me pack up a good amount of my clothes and necessities, but it still doesn't feel like it's my last night sharing a bed with him.

I start off lying with him, his arm is around my waist loosely and he breathes softly and evenly on my neck.

I cannot sleep.

I slip myself from his embrace and quietly use one crutch to get out of the room, leaving the other in the room.

I know Dr. Scott told me not to, but I can't help it.

I pace.

I stay close to the wall, my balance not being great, and only being on a single crutch was a bad idea.

Indy hears me, I know he does because he pokes his head up from across the room, then goes back down into a slumber.

He's use to me being up.

Suddenly, extreme fatigue comes over me. I drop my crutch and hold onto the door frame of the extra room in our apartment.

I sob.

I cannot burden Caleb and Cara with babysitting me.

They already have a small child to take care of, they don't need to take care of a twenty-five year old whose life is falling apart at the seems.

"Tris?" Tobias groggily makes his way out of the bedroom.

I can't even imagine what I look like right now.

He suddenly awakens and rushes to me, wrapping his arms around me as if he were a shield, protecting me from being pelted with the fists of the people who chase me.

I slowly release the molding, shifting all my weight into him, my arms wrapping tightly around his torso.

I sob into his chest as he holds me close, his cheek on the top of my head.

"Talk to me," he says, not demandingly, but encouragingly, like he knows talking will help.

"I can't burden Caleb and Cara with me right now. They— they have to deal with Beatrice being a small child already. I can't be having flare-ups like this and expect them to care about me. They have to already be exhausted."

"Tris, they love you. They know what you're going through. I really hope you don't mind, but I actually called Cara and talked to her about what happened today, just so she knows what's going on. She said she would catch up Caleb when he came home from work. Tris, they want to help you. This stress of going back and forth between here and Erudite will be gone for a while. Doesn't that sound so much easier? You don't have to get from here way over to the garage, then get in the car, get out of the car, and way through that hospital. You're going to use that wheelchair, all of Erudite's fancy elevators, and those smart ass doctors are going to get you walking. Don't talk yourself out of this, Beatrice," he kisses the top of my head.

"They love you so much. They were there with you for part of it," he continues. "They may be able to relate to all of this in a way that I cannot help. Plus, you get to spend a whole bunch of time with that adorable niece of yours."

Somehow, we make it back into the bed.

Somehow, I fall asleep in a bed with the man I love, the man I trust.

+ + +

"I know where the physical therapy place is, so if you didn't mind, I was planning on staying back and unpacking some of your things, only if you don't mind, of course." Cara says, standing by the open car door.

Tobias and Caleb went to bring my stuff up to their apartment while I stayed in the car with Cara and Bea to keep me company.

She's four years old now.

I feel old.

"Yeah, sure. That would be a big help."

She talks about how she made the spare bed up in their extra room for me, and how I could have the second bathroom in the apartment all to myself, with the exception of Bea, who did not have that many things in the bathroom.

"Did Marie tell you about how physical therapy will start to take it's toll on you?" I stop tuning Cara out for a second. "I don't mean to scare you, but I've watched patients go downhill before getting better, I mean they aren't strong people like you are, but just don't lie about how you're feeling if it happens, because it's normal."

"Yeah, she told me."

In the distance I see Caleb and Tobias walking back towards Cara, Bea and I.

Tobias and I said goodbye before we had gotten in the car to head over here. There was no tears, there was no loss. He said he is going to try and come visit sometime next week or the week after.

So this was it.

He helped me into the wheelchair, gave me a quick hug, we kissed for a few seconds, and we went our ways.

This is a new chapter in my life.

I'll get through it.

And I'll go back to Dauntless.

I will go back.