Chapter 16

There was an out of the country shoot for the anniversary cover kaya naman naging busy ako ng dalawang linggo. It was a welcomed distraction, too. I didn't want to dwell on the what ifs and the what could've beens—siya na rin ang nagsabi na torture lang sa sarili kapag iisipin ko pa iyong ganon.

Besides, may self-worth naman ako, noh. I texted him. He didn't reply. The silence on his end was so loud. Iyon na 'yon.

"Nakabalik ka na?" Jana asked.

"Yes," I replied as I yawned. My whole body felt tired from the nonstop working dahil gusto ko talaga na maging perfect 'yung anniversary edition namin. Ito iyong magiging legacy ko. I just wanted everything to be done according to my instructions.

"Dinner?" she asked.

I shook my head kahit na magkausap lang naman kami sa phone. "Tomorrow na lang," I replied. "Still tired."

Nagpaalam na ako kay Jana after that. Tahimik naman iyong buhay ko. Parang balik sa normal. Or siguro dahil lang 'to sa nag-deactivate ako ng Facebook account, although because of work, I had to make a new one. Halos wala nga lang akong friends doon dahil choosy ako. If you'll bring nothing but chaos into my life, the door is wide open and you can leave. I feel like tapos na ako sa part na gusto ko iyong exciting—parang mas maganda ngayon iyong love na secured lang. Kakapagod mag-overthink.

I also restricted Therese and my other cousins na naka-follow sa akin sa IG. Naka-hide din iyong stories ko sa kanila. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit sila naka-follow, e. Magmemessage lang naman iyong mga pinsan ko if may nagcocomment na model or artista sa posts ko tapos magpaparinig if pwede ko ipakilala. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi nila ma-gets na hindi ko friends iyong mga iyon but it was for work. Ang unprofessional kaya ng nirerequest nila sa akin.

With all that being said and done, my life's at peace once again.

I wanted to sleep, but my system was still in another time zone. Ayoko naman na nakatingin lang ako sa ceiling. I decided to just go out and do groceries dahil upon checking, wala ng laman iyong ref and pantry ko.

I was wearing my comfiest sweatpants and my hair was in a messy bun. Kumuha ako ng cart because I knew that I'd be busy again after a few days to deal with the final details of our anniv issue. Wala na akong time mag-grocery nun.

I froze when I saw Pablo in the spices aisle. Dadaan lang sana ako roon para makarating sa Asian food nang makita ko siya. He was standing there, staring seriously at the rack of spices na para bang doon nakasalalay ang buhay niya. I debated for a while if I'd turn my heel back and just pretend na hindi ko siya nakita.

Pero bago pa man ako makapagdesisyon ay napatingin siya sa gawi ko. Naramdaman niya ba na may nakatitig sa kanya?

"Hey," pagbati ko nang makita niya ako. Ano pa ba ang mawawala sa akin? Nakita niya na ako? Besides, it's not as if sinundan ko siya rito. I mean, admittedly, it was a bit stalkerish nung puntahan ko siya sa bar niya at panoorin siya na parang creep doon sa parking lot. But today's a pure coincidence. I wasn't guilty of anything. Also, it's been quite a while na rin nung huli kaming nagkita.

"Hi," he replied with a small smile. It wasn't his usual smile. Bakit? Dahil awkward ba for him? Na alam niya na nag-text ako pero wala akong reply na natanggap?

"Forgot na rito ka nga rin pala nag-go-grocery," I said as casually as I could. Whatever happened in Bataan, apparently stays only in Bataan. Now, we're back in Manila. I seriously didn't know if we're friends or what. Acquaintances, perhaps?

"Yeah," he replied.

Tignan mo. Mukha kaming tanga ngayon. I was shifting on my feet. I wanted to leave because I was feeling the awkwardness creeping in.

"How are you?" he asked bago pa man ako maka-exit at makabili na ng pagkain dahil iyon naman ang pinunta ko talaga rito.

I shrugged. "Great. Busy with work," I replied as casually as I could. Totoo naman 'yon. Naging busy naman talaga ako sa trabaho. Saka ayoko lang na isipin niya na nagmukmok ako dahil hindi siya nag-reply, noh... although that would be half-true. For like a few nights. I mean, I genuinely thought we had a connection and a great time—albeit iyong mga drama ng pamilya ko. So, I was genuinely disappointed when he just decided that we're... done.

He gave a small nod. "Are they still bothering you?" he asked.

I shrugged again. "No idea," sagot ko sa kanya. Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. "They're blocked," I explained.

There was a look of surprised on his face. "Really..."

Tumango ako. "Yup," I said. "Why? Didn't think I can do it?" tanong ko dahil base sa itsura ng mukha niya, mukhang hindi talaga siya makapaniwala sa ginawa ko.

"Honestly? No," he replied.

"Yeah... I didn't really block them—I just created a new account," sabi ko na dahilan kung bakit natawa siya nang bahagya.

"Knew it," he said na para bang pakiramdam niya ay kilala niya ako enough to anticipate my next move or kung anuman ang iniisip ko. I wanted to say something along those lines, but I stopped myself. Nabawasan na iyong pride ko dahil ako iyong last message sa aming dalawa—I didn't want to dig a deeper hole to bury myself in.

I looked at him and straightened my back. Ngumiti ako ng bahagya out of politeness.

"Nice seeing you around," I said. I maneuvered my cart para makadaan sa gilid niya. I hated how my heart was beating faster than usual just because he's in front of me. With Leo, it took months bago ako nagkagusto sa kanya. With Pablo? Heck, it didn't even take 24 hours! Minsan, wala talaga sa tagal, e. Weird talaga ng feelings.

"Cerise."

Agad akong napatigil na para bang alam ko na tatawagin niya iyong pangalan ko. Humigpit iyong hawak ko sa may handle ng cart. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga bago ako pilit na ngumiti at lumingon para tignan siya.

I looked at him and said nothing dahil hindi ko alam kung ano pa ba ang paguusapan namin. It's not like I wanted to rehash what happened that weekend.

"I'm sorry I didn't reply," he said.

My lips parted a little at how direct he was being. He was looking straight into my eyes and I hated how I felt like melting simply because he was looking at me na para bang ganyan ako kadali? Tignan lang, bibigay na agad?

I forced a smile. "I was honestly wondering about that," I replied. "But I'm over it already," dugtong ko.

He was looking at me like he didn't believe a word that I just said.

"I had fun that weekend," he said.

"I had fun, too," sagot ko sa kanya. "But why are we talking about this?"

I already mourned for him and for the ghosting that he did. Tapos maggaganito na naman siya. Ano 'yan? Another round ng moving on kuno? Hindi na siya ghoster kapag ganito—ito ata iyong sinasabi ni Jana na zombieing—iyong nawala tapos biglang nabuhay ulit at nagparamdam.

"I just feel bad," he said.

"Same," sagot ko. "I mean, you said no games yet you couldn't even be direct with me."

Oh, fuck.

I didn't think that one through at kusa na lang siyang lumabas sa bibig ko dahil iyan iyong eksaktong mga salita na pinractice ko dati nung lasing ako at nagmomonologue dahil hindi niya ako nireplyan. They felt like bullets on the chamber, locked and loaded. And now, after weeks, they've finally been fired.

There was a tinge of guilt on his face.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Nakakahiya.

Para akong bata na naglabas ng sama ng loob dahil hindi napagbigyan sa candy na hinigingi niya!

"I know," sabi niya.

Once again, I forced a smile on my face. Although honestly, this moment would've been better kung maayos ang suot ko at hindi ako naka-sweatpants.

"It's fine," sagot ko.

"No, it's not," sabi niya. "I thought about replying but decided against it."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Why? Ano ba iyong tinanong ko sa 'yo?"

"No, not that," he said. "I just don't want to be involved with someone who's still hung-up on someone else."

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "What?"

"I don't want to be someone's rebound."

He actually rendered me speechless.

Was he seriously thinking na may something sa amin ni Leo? He's literally my brother-in-law right now kahit against my will. Mukha ba akong papatol sa asawa ng kapatid ko? Ganon ba ako ka-desperado sa paningin niya?

"What's funny?" he asked nang magsimula akong tumawa sa harapan niya. Wala na akong pakielam kung magmukha akong tanga dahil tumatawa ako sa gitna ng grocery store sa harap ng mga spices. O baka naman epekto 'to ng jetlag o baka dahil dalawang linggo akong kulang sa tulog dahil sa shoot? Either way, tawang-tawa ako to the point na naiiyak na ako.

"Nothing," I said as I was wiping the tears in my eyes. "It's just funny how the people around me know how I feel more than me," dugtong ko habang papahinto na ang tawa ko.

"That's not what I mean," he replied.

"Oh, that's exactly what you meant, but it's fine," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Are you over him?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied habang nakatingin sa kanya.

Hindi siya nagsalita. Bakit ba walang naniniwala sa akin kapag sinasabi ko na tapos na ako kay Leo? Wala sa pamilya namin—heck, kahit nga si Jana hindi naniniwala, e... Kaya siguro kahit si Pablo hindi rin naniniwala.

Huminga ako nang malalim. "Yes, I am over him," I said, only this time, much calmer. "I don't need to prove to you that I am over him already—you just have to take my word for it."

Tumingin lang siya sa akin. "Okay."

I gently nodded. "Okay."

"Were you waiting for my reply?" he asked.

"Honestly? Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"I mean, I did get the reply," sabi ko sa kanya. "The non-answer was the answer, right?"

"I just don't want anything complicated."

"I know the feeling," sabi ko sa kanya. "I don't want someone who wants to reply but doesn't reply. Sounds complicated, right?"

"Cerise..." pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko.

Natawa ako. "What?"

"I already said I'm sorry."

"And I already said that I'm fine," sabi ko. "I was really busy with work. Just got back from Iceland for a shoot," dugtong ko. Ewan ko kung bakit sinabi ko pa 'yon para malaman lang talaga niya na busy akong tao.

He nodded. "Okay."

"Great. If you don't mind, I'll do my shopping now."

Nagsimula akong maglakad nang marinig ko ulit na tawagin niya ako. Muli, lumingon ako para tumingin sa kanya.

"Dinner this week?" he asked.

"I'll check my calendar and let you know," I replied and continued walking—this time, feeling good because the ball was in my court.  

**
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