Chapter 15

'Fuck,' was my first thought when I woke up the next day. Apparently, I fell asleep on the carpet. Ang unang bumungad sa mukha ko ay iyong isang bote ng wine na ubos na. I tried to stand up, but my head was pounding badly kaya naman nagdesisyon ako na maupo muna.

I grabbed my phone to check the time, pero nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ko na may message mula kay Pablo roon.

'I'm outside.'

Then after five minutes.

'I think you're already asleep. I'll leave now. Thanks for today, Cerise.'

Holy fuck! Nakatulog ako habang naghihintay sa kanya. He wasn't even gone for that long para makatulog ako. Galit kaya siya na naghintay siya ng limang minuto sa labas ng pinto ko? Or the fact na nakatulog ako kahit bumaba lang naman siya para kuhanin iyong pagkain?

'Hi. Sorry I fell asleep.'

Nakatitig ako sa cellphone ko at naghihintay na mag-reply siya. Five minutes passed by quickly at wala akong nakuhang reply mula sa kanya. It was only past 7 in the morning. Baka tulog pa siya. Right. I, on the other hand, needed to prepare for my work.

God, I missed my work.

I missed being busy—I missed being preoccupied with deadlines. Mas gusto ko ng mabaliw sa trabaho kaysa isipin iyong personal problems ko. Wala akong pakielam kahit hindi ako tigapagmana ng kumpanya. Mas pipiliin ko ng magpakaalipin doon kaysa mabaliw sa issue ng pamilya ko.

I finished two glasses of water before I went and took a cold shower para magising ako. I wore my usual attire to work—a nice pair of trousers and a black fitted top. Dahil ramdam na ramdam ko iyong hangover, I was also wearing oversized sunglasses habang naglalakad ako papunta sa office ko.

Pagdating ko roon, dumiretso ako sa pantry para gumawa ng kape. Tinamad ako na dumaan sa coffee shop para bumili ng coffee. I tried it, but it didn't taste the same kaya naman nagpabili ako sa assistant ko ng coffee.

"Thank god," I said nang makita ko iyong mountain ng paper work for my approval. That should keep me busy for the whole day. Agad akong nagsimula sa pagaaral, but for some freaking reason, agad na nawawala ako sa concentration every time my phone would make the slightest of sound. And it's not as if I could turn it off dahil baka biglang may important na message sa akin.

"I'll message you," sabi ko kay Kris, my assistant, nang buksan niya iyong pinto ng office ko after ko siyang tawagin.

"For what?" she asked.

"Nothing. Did you receive it?" I asked.

She nodded. "The period?"

"Mag-reply ka nga," I said. "Kahit ano," I added and she replied with another period. "It's fine," I said, dismissing her. So, gumagana naman pala iyong cellphone ko. Nakakapagsend naman ako. Nakaka-receive naman ako ng message. I looked at the time. It's already 2PM. Surely, gising na siya. Impossible na tulog pa siya sa ganitong oras. He looked like he's a morning person. So, there's only one explanation...

Holy shit.

Ito ba iyong ghosting?

Was I being ghosted?

I stared at my phone for a while. Oh, my god. He was ghosting me... but then again wala naman siyang responsibility na mag-reply sa akin? Maybe as far as he was concerned, he's done his part. Pumunta na siya sa kasal kahapon. The deal was done—the show was over. Kaya nga sa part niya, bakit pa siya mag-rereply sa akin?

Besides, he'd already seen how fucked up my family was... so why would he want to be a part of that colossal mess? Especially sa kagaya niya na mukhang ayaw ng complications.

"So, ano ang kwento?" Jana asked when we met that night. Ayoko talaga sanang makipagkita dahil gusto ko na lang matulog. At least that way, walang overthinking na magaganap unless pati sa bangungot ko ay hinahabol ako ni Pablo.

Akala ko shitty na iyong kahapon—runner up ata iyong ngayon. Still, I was receiving nasty messages from my relatives who, I was starting to think, derive pleasure from destroying my day. There's my mom who made it her life's mission to make me feel na isa akong malaking disappointment hindi lang bilang anak niya kung hindi bilang ate ni Therese. And then there's Pablo... who decided na hindi niya na ako rereplyan.

This day sucked, to say the least.

"Can I order a drink first?"

"Ay, ang sungit," sabi ni Jana. "Bad day at work?"

"Just a bad day," sagot ko as I ordered whisky on the rocks. Alam ni Jana na kapag 'yan ang ininom ko, I really was in a fucking bad mood kaya naman hinayaan niya ako for a few minutes.

We just sat there in silence as we listened to the soft jazz music. We were in a bar somewhere on the opposite side kung nasaan iyong Pablo's. Jana didn't ask kung bakit nandito kami, but knowing her, she'd ask the question sometime this night.

"What do you want to know?" I asked after being given like 20 minutes of silence.

"Everything," she replied. "But kung ano lang ang gusto mong i-share. Scary ng vibes mo tonight."

Umirap ako. "Ang daming nangyari," sabi ko sa kanya. "Just ask kung ano ang gusto mong malaman para iyon ang sasabihin ko."

"Okay..." she said. "Nag-inarte na naman ba iyong kapatid mo?"

I had to order another drink nang tanungin niya iyon. I finished the drink in one go bago ako nagsimulang ikwento sa kanya iyong nangyari sa photoshoot sa hotel room, iyong sa photoshoot sa simbahan, hanggang doon sa may reception. Habang nagsasalita ako, panay ang comment ni Jana kung paanong inggitera si Therese.

"Alam mo, bilib ako sa 'yo sa maraming bagay pero pinakabilib ako sa haba ng pasensya mo sa kapatid mo," sabi niya sa akin.

I scoffed. "Mahaba pasensya ko?" I asked, unable to believe dahil parang hindi naman kapanipaniwala na mahaba ang pasensya ko kay Therese. I snapped at her sa may reception kaya nga against sa akin ang buong pamilya ko ngayon, e. Apparently, I was enemy number one sa Bataan ngayon.

She nodded. "Yes, kasi kung ako 'yan matagal ko ng nilagay sa tamang lugar 'yang kapatid mo."

I just laughed at her kasi ang daling sabihin nun. Kung gagawin ko 'yon kay Therese? Kay Therese na paborito ni Mama at ng buong angkan namin? Might as well na maging ulila ako dahil sigurado ako na itatakwil nila ako. Tapos mahihirapan si Papa kasi syempre anak niya tapos pamilya niya?

So, no, it's not as easy as it sounds.

"Ano nangyari after nung sa reception?"

I shrugged. "Umuwi na kami."

"Tapos?"

"Hinatid niya ako sa condo."

"I thought ayaw mong ibigay iyong address mo?" she prodded.

"Yup. But also, I was so tired last night. At ayaw niya akong iwan kasi kita niya na bothered ako sa mga messages," sabi ko at naglitanya na naman si Jana sa kung paano walang kwenta iyong mga kamag-anak ko at bored na bored sila sa buhay nila kaya nangingielam sa buhay ng may buhay.

"Pinapasok mo siya sa condo?" I nodded. "Ano nangyari?"

"Wala."

"Kasi malungkot ka?"

"No. Nakatulog ako," I said.

"Ano ginawa niya?"

Huminga ako nang malalim before ako nagsimulang magsalita. Jana's my best friend at nakita niya na ata lahat ng kahihiyan sa buhay ko, but for some reason, nakakahiya na sabihin sa kanya kung paano ako nago-ghost ngayon. And was it even ghosting kung wala naman sa usapan namin na mag-cocommunicate pa rin kami after? Ang gulo naman nito!

"I think... it's not ghosting naman, 'di ba?" I asked, fishing for confirmation kasi ang sakit talaga sa pride na na-ghost ako kung sakali! I mean, sure, ang gulo ng mga ganap last weekend, but at the same time, I felt like we had fun naman!

"I mean, it has been 24 hours?"

I grunted. "You're a bad liar," sabi ko kasi halata naman na she's just consoling me. "He's ghosting me. I am being ghosted."

Jana patted my head. "Maybe busy lang siya."

"Replying to a message takes three seconds. Ayaw niya lang talaga mag-reply," I said.

"Or... baka sira iyong phone niya?"

"Stop."

"Malay mo mag-reply bukas."

I looked at her. "You think so?" She shrugged. "Should I reply if mag-reply siya?"

"Yes," she said. "You're an adult. Tapos ka na sa pabebe stage."

"Ni hindi nga ako dumaan sa ganon!" sabi ko sa kanya kasi parang all my younger years, kay Leo ako naka-focus. Tapos pagdating ko sa Manila, naka-focus agad ako sa career. Ni hindi ako nagkaroon ng chance talaga na lumandi at magpabebe. Nakakapanibago ngayon. I felt like I was in a foreign battlefield and I didn't have the proper ammo.

"Ano'ng gagawin ko?" I asked seriously because I felt like I was out of my depth here.

"Don't double reply," sabi niya. "Nag-reply ka na. It's his move."

I nodded. "Noted. But... what if magkita kami?"

She shrugged. "Say hi."

"Casually?"

"Yup."

"Should I make small talks?"

"I mean, sure, but don't bring up iyong kung bakit hindi siya nag-reply—it comes off as needy."

"Parang ang opposite niyan sa advice mo na 'wag magpabebe," sabi ko sa kanya kasi parang nalilito na rin ako sa mga sinasabi niya.

Natawa si Jana. "When I said 'wag magpabebe, I meant if he asks you out or anything, you can say yes. But sinabi mo naman na na nag-message ka sa kanya, e. So, you already made the move. It's up to him to reciprocate. Iba kasi iyong 'wag magpabebe sa maging desperate."

"Okay..." sabi ko kahit medyo nalilito pa rin ako sa kung ano ang gagawin ko.

Jana and I stayed for a while but later on, water na lang iyong iniinom ko kasi magda-drive pa ako pauwi habang siya naman ay susunduin ng boyfriend niya. Sarap sabunutan ni Jana kasi hatid-sundo kahit saan, e.

After naming maghiwalay, I knew that I should be heading straight home... but for some reason, I drove to Pablo's. I just parked there. Wala naman akong balak lumabas. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako nandito.

And then I saw him walking out of the bar.

So, he's alive—at least alive enough para mag-reply sa message. I didn't know why this pissed me off kahit na wala naman siyang responsibilidad na mag-reply sa akin.

I stayed inside my car, watching him like a creep as he stood outside his bar. Nakatayo lang siya roon at may hawak na bote ng tubig. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya nasa labas gayong may private office naman siya—fuck, his office. We did things there—dirty, dirty things. But even with those dirty things, hindi pa rin ako nakakuha ng reply!

Gusto ko na sanang umalis dahil naiinis ako na parang papunta na ata ako sa desperate category na sinasabi ni Jana. Hindi naman alam ni Pablo siguro kung ano ang sasakyan ko. Heavility tinted naman iyong sasakyan ko so hindi niya naman siguro ako makikita kasi kailangan kong dumaan sa harap niya para makalabas sa parking nito, e.

I was about to start the engine when I saw him get his phone. He was reading something off his phone for a while. Oh, for sure he saw my message sa Instagram—he just didn't think it's worth it to reply.

Now, it's clear.

I had fucking been ghosted.

Great. 

**
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