Two and ½ Years Ago

I stare into the glass mirror above my dresser and look over myself. The black slim dress clings itself onto my hips so tightly that I have to remind myself to breathe. I connect my hand to the silver diamond necklace around my neck.

It was the last gift he gave me.

Just breathe. I think to myself.

I looked down the edges of my mirror and my eyes scanned over the pictures I had taped along the sides. There were all sorts of memories of my parents and I. It's weird to think that we'll never have those again.

How am I supposed to do this? I don't know how to be without him.

I've never had to live in a world without my father in it, how do I now?

I could feel a tear start to glide along my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. No more crying.

My thoughts were interrupted when I saw a familiar face look back at me in the mirror. It was so strange having Amy here, she's been so busy with residency that I don't see her very often. I don't know how to talk to her, or anyone for that matter on what's going through my head.

During this time I can't help but feel completely alone.

"Sorry, I know I'm taking forever." I admitted.

"Take your time." She said.

I could see her eyes through the reflection of the glass. She could barely even look at me. I couldn't blame her, that's how everyone has been around me since his death. It's because nobody knows what to say.

I know the feeling.

"Truth is," I turned around slowly from the dresser, facing Amy right in front of me. "I've never been to a funeral before. This is my first." I wait for her to answer but she doesn't so I continue.

"All I keep thinking is if he'd actually like any of this stuff. The flowers, guests, location of it all... I mean that's messed up isn't it? My father is dead and all that's going through my mind today is what he'd think. The one person I can't ask." My voice drowns out and I take a deep sigh. How am I supposed to do this?

"I think he would love it." She answers, finally bringing her eyes to mine. Her simple words are enough to send more tears down my cheek.

"Ugh, I'm so sick of crying." I groaned, wiping my face again. And it's the truth, it's what I've been doing all week since I've gotten the news. Everytime I even start to think about it, I'll be crying for hours. But I can't help it. I can't think about anything else.

"You're allowed to cry." Amy said, taking a step towards me. I know she's right but if my mother sees me crying, she will too. And if I see her cry, I'm afraid I'll never be able to stop.

This whole entire week she's been putting on a strong face, even though I know it's killing her inside. The thought of that makes me even more miserable. I hate that she has kept everything so bottled up.

We haven't spoken much this week. We've both been grieving the only way we know how: alone.

I take a deep breath and put a fake smile on my face.

"I'm fine. I should go get my mom, we have to get going soon." I begin to walk towards my bedroom door but Amy cuts in, stepping right in front of me.

Her eyes connect with mine and I watch as she opens her mouth to say something, but closes it shut.

"Isabelle, I-" She begins but stops again.

I can see the look on her face, and I've seen it before. I saw it when we were told my father had passed, it's a face I'll never forget.

I wait for her to continue, I know I should say something but I can't. What else could go wrong?

"We can't find her." She says, and I'm instantly filled with relief.

"She probably went out for a cigarette or something since my father isn't here to object. I'll wait for her in the car-"

"No, Isabelle. Listen to me, we can't find her." She said again, and I don't understand.

"I'll call her, I-" Amy pulls out a black iphone from her back pocket and holds it out in front of me. It was my mother's phone.

"She probably just forgot it." Amy continues to look at me, her face filled with sadness.

What is she trying to tell me? It's not abnormal for my mother to forget her phone before leaving. I mean unlike me, hers isn't attached to her hip.

"Isabelle, she packed her bags. The clothes from her room are gone- she left." And just like that, all the air in my body was sucked out of me. Gone? Gone where? Why would her bags be packed? Nothing is making sense. She wouldn't just leave.

"You're lying." I manage to say, the words barely escaping my lips. I push past her and make my way out the door.

"Isabelle!" She called out after me.

I run into my mother's room and just as I'm outside of her door my feet instantly come to a stop. Her bedroom door was wide open, and even though I was outside of it, I could still see how empty her room looked. How could I not have noticed before?

My eyes scan the room as I slowly walk in. My father's things still remained in the same spot, no one has had the heart to move them. But there were less of my mother's items here. Each drawer attached to her dresser was opened, and completely empty.

Some of her shoes were gone, as well as the suitcases Amy mentioned before. Every single one of her personal items were gone except for her perfume. I slowly reach my hand and rest it on the top of the bottle.

My breathing became heavy and I closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears from coming.

"Isabelle, I'm so sorry..." I heard Amy's voice behind me and that's all it took for every emotion I was trying to hide to resurface. Before I knew it, my muffled sobs left me gasping for air. The only person that was giving me the strength to do any of this had left me. The two people I loved most in this world.

I fell to my knees and continued to cry my eyes out. I know I looked like a total mess, but I didn't care, I couldn't hold it in any longer.

I screamed in pain and sadness. How am I supposed to do this without them?

Gut wrenching sobs tore through my chest, so hard it was difficult to breathe. I brought my hand to my chest as I felt a tightening in my throat. An involuntary whimper escaped my lips, I felt completely helpless.

Amy bent down on the floor beside me. I could see her eyes filled to the brim with tears and I looked away. All the strength I had this morning had left my body, and I was filled with nothing but emptiness.

This has happened before, me walking into an empty room. It was a couple months ago, when Mason left.

Everybody leaves.

"She has to come back." I say, rocking back and forth on the floor. "She ca-she can't l-leave me."

My words are interrupted by the sound of hiccups escaping my mouth. I covered my face with my hands and cried even deeper.

"I'm all alone." I said through my hands, even though the words were probably incoherent.

I feel two warm arms wrap around me, and can't help but fall back into them. In this moment I let my emotions completely run free.

My father died, and my mother left me.

My chin starts to tremble at the thought, and the harder I try to breathe the louder the hiccup is.

"She left me all alone." I said, as Amy nuzzled her head into the dip of my shoulder, hugging me tight. But it was no use, nothing could help this pain I feel. How the hell was I supposed to do this?

"I'm all alone."