What I'm about to do will make or break me and Mason's relationship entirely.

Although expressing my feelings to someone isn't the easiest thing to do, I have done it before. I was the first to admit my feelings to Aiden, but I don't remember it ever being this difficult.

I've spent the whole entire morning thinking of just the right words to say to him, and still I've come up with nothing. I want to get my feelings across without scaring him away, but the thought of achieving my goal seems almost impossible.

"I can do this, I can do this." I mutter to myself outloud like a crazy person while I pace around my bedroom floor.

It seems even my small words of encouragement isn't enough to break me out of this overwhelming funk I'm in. I'm not sure if it's time for me to tell Mason my true feelings just yet because even I'm not one hundred percent sure what they are.

But I do need some answers, I need to know what we're doing.

And for some reason that question alone is enough to send me panicking.

Last night when I found out about Mason and Sofia half of me wanted to demand an explanation from him while the other half had this inescapable urge to cry until I had no more tears left.

But I couldn't.

Because he isn't mine.

I have to constantly remind myself of the harsh truth every time jealousy finds its way back into me.

But I have to take control of this situation- take control of my life and get the answers I've been longing for.

I haven't seen him all day- no surprise there- but I do remember hearing Jessica talking to him on the phone earlier this morning.

So without thinking of even more reasons on why I shouldn't be doing this, I walk out of my room and go down the hall towards Jessica's.

My heart is beating in my chest so loud it's the only thing I'm able to hear. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves as I walk inside.

"Hey, have you seen Mason?" I ask and see her sitting by her vanity, eyes focused on the mirror in front of her while she applies makeup to her face.

"No, he left a little bit ago."

I nod my head, my mind already off wondering where he can be at the moment.

"What are you doing?" I ask her, trying to take my mind off of him. My body leans in against the doorway just as she turns toward me.

"Just trying out some new makeup I got. The last thing I want is to go out looking like an oompa loompa."

I give her a short smile, "Like I'd ever let that happen, if i'm going to have to be around you I need you looking your best. I mean, I can't put my reputation at stake now can I?"

Jessica's mouth drops and before I have time to say anything I watch as she picks up one of the makeup brushes on the desk and throws it in my direction.

"Bitch." She laughs and I join her, dodging the makeup brush.

Just as our laughter dies down I hear the sound of a door closing shut and realize that Mason must have just gotten home.

The nerves I've been trying all morning to suppress come back to the surface and I swallow, attempting to rid the lump in my throat.

"Seems like Mason just got home." Jessica reminds me, already back to focusing on herself in the mirror.

Here goes nothing...

When I get downstairs I immediately go towards the kitchen. I can already hear Mason rummaging through the fridge before I even arrive, and once I do I see my predictions are correct.

There's a white cooler sitting on the island counter filled with ice. Mason brings out some of the beers in the fridge, barely able to hold them all in his two hands before shoving them in.

As I walk over to him it starts to feel as though my feet are being weighed down. Doing something as simple as taking a few steps seems much harder than it normally is.

He doesn't recognize my presence until I'm standing right beside him.

"Hey, Mason can uh, can we talk?" I ask him, my voice already a shaky mess.

"Can't you see I'm a little busy here?"

I'm taken back by his attitude. I haven't even begun what I was about to say, and here he is already making things difficult.

From where I'm standing, I can already faintly smell the cigarette smoke that lingers on him and I let out a deep sigh.

I open my mouth to speak but the front door opens, revealing the one person I never want to see with him.

"I know you told me to stay in the car, but I need to piss." Sofia says right before she sees me standing beside Mason.

She stops, her lips slowly starting to curve upward and my stomach drops.

He's with her again.

"Hello Isabelle," she begins, taking a few steps toward us, "Funny seeing you here. Mommy doesn't miss you yet?"

I bristile at the mention of my mother and feel the anger already growing inside of me. She looks me over like some kind of odd specimen until she reaches Mason.

I swallow the bile rising in my throat as I watch her drag her fingertips across his back.

"I'll be back." She leans in and whispers in his ear, while he ignores all sights of her.

She disappears in the hallway and I purse my lips, stunned by what just happened.

"You're with Sofia again?" I find myself asking and he shrugs.

"Yeah, so?"

"So, isn't it awkward?"

"Why would it be awkward?"

"Because you've slept with her."

Right when the words leave my mouth, reality slaps me in the face. I'm not aware of how foolish I must sound until I get to the end of my sentence. Suddenly, everything starts making sense, and the look on Mason's face confirms it.

His eyebrows narrow at me as if I just said something in a foreign language.

I can't believe how stupid I've been this whole time.

"....You're still sleeping with her... aren't you?"

I can feel my heart slowly starting to break into a million pieces, the only thing managing to hold it together is the hope I have that he will squash all the thoughts impacting every single nerve in my body.

"Does it matter? What do you want me to say here?" His voice is already rising a bit, and I stand in front of him in shock.

"I want you to give me an answer."

"Why? Who gives a shit who I fuck? I told you the first night I came back that I don't do girlfriends. If you somehow got yourself attached then that's your own fault, not mine."

His words leave me breathless, and the only emotion I'm able to feel is hurt.

"If this is you trying to push me away-"

"Fuck, Isabelle it's not about that. This is about me."

"So what was this then? Just sex?"

"What else would it be?"

My heart shatters in my chest, and now the only thing I feel when I look at him is nothing but disgust. How could I have been so blind to ignore all the signs?

Him keeping me away, always wanting to only be around me at night or whenever Jessica isn't home, the fact that whenever we're together the only thing we end up doing is fucking.

There's this tiny voice in my head screaming at me saying that he's only doing this to force me away, just as he always does whenever he feels like he's getting too close. But I fight all of those voices, burning them out of my mind altogether. I can't let that small sliver of a thought ignore all of the facts.

He's shown me who he really is, and now all I feel is used.

He toyed with my emotions, made me feel like I was special to him only to get me into bed. I'm sure it is his tactic with every woman he's slept with, but I always thought that what we had could have been different from that.

I used to think I was better than those women, smarter. And here I am making the same mistake, falling into one of his traps because I liked the attention he was giving me.

I feel sick to my stomach, and the dull aching feeling in my chest only adds to it.

"You're disgusting." Is the only thing that manages to come out of my mouth and he huffs at my words, shaking his head.

"I didn't do anything wrong, I told you who I was from the beginning and you didn't listen."

"You know for a split second I actually thought that you were better than this. But you're not, you're just like the rest of the assholes who use other women just to make them feel better about themselves and I will not let you do that to me anymore. It may not seem like this to you, but I'm a person, Mason. A person with feelings that you can't just treat like shit whenever you feel like it!"

"Well maybe I'll just fuck you then, that's always seemed to help erase all the shit I've said to you before."

He spits back at me, and I blink away the tears trying to break free.

Right when he says those words his angered face softens as if he knows he's just crossed a line.

The old Mason has returned, the one who constantly feels the need to slut shame my actions and I feel my body shrink three times smaller from his harsh words.

I get the feeling like he's about to say something, but there's nothing he can say to redo all the damage he's already done.

"What happened to you Mason?" I ask him, my voice soft filled with nothing but exhaustion and sadness. "What turned you into this?"

His eyes drift away from mine and he takes a deep breath, not answering my question. A tear falls from my eye and I quickly wipe it away as Sofia reenters the kitchen.

"Mason, come on, we're going to be late. You ready?" She asks him, her eyes raking over his body for longer than I want it to and I look away from the two of them.

"He's all yours." I say under my breath, and walk out leaving everything Mason and I have worked so hard for in nothing but broken pieces.

❀

I throw my empty bag onto my bed in front of me and immediately start going around the room to collect my things and shove them inside. Humiliation is weighing down my chest and I have to force away all the tears from falling until I leave.

I feel rage, confused and so, so lost.

Everything Mason has ever done since I've been here is just to lure me into his grasp. The kind words, kisses, cuddles, fuck even the cuddles were all apart of the ruse.

I was blinded by the passion; the desire I felt whenever I was near him.

What was I thinking? That Mason and I would actually date? He's not boyfriend material, he never will be.

I scoop the clothes out from my drawers, not even bothering to fold them and shove them inside. I can practically feel the smoke coming out of my ears as I continue to collect my things from all around the room.

"Hey, Elle I was thinking of going to Corey's did you wanna com-"

Jessica stops her words and freezes, her eyes going over my movements as I walk back and forth, grabbing my things.

"What are you doing?"
"I'm going home."

"What?!" She exclaims and I let out a sigh, I know she's about to ask questions and I don't feel up for answering any of them.

I'm completely humiliated by everything I've done since I've been here. How am I supposed to tell her everything now? Everything Mason and I have done just to tell her how it exploded in my face.

"Did Mason say something to you?" My stomach drops at the mention of his name. "Because I'll talk to him-"

"No." I quickly interrupt, and I can see the confused expression written all over her face. "This has nothing to do with Mason." I say, adding another lie to the pile.

I hate the fact that I've been doing this to her for weeks now. I want to be honest and tell her everything, but I'm afraid. I know how she feels about Sofia, and I don't want her to think of me that way.

I also don't want to say any of this out loud, it will only make it harder for me to admit to myself. I know the backlash I will probably get from telling anyone what's been going on.

I know how Natalie feels about him, Jessica has made it clear that he can't be trusted and Aiden... oh, Aiden. He would be so hurt by it all.

The thought of it only adds guilt into the mix of emotions I feel, and I pick up the pace, shoving any item of mine I can find into my bag.

"Elle, I- I don't understand. Why would you want to leave, what about your mom?" I stop in my tracks.

Shit.

I haven't even thought about her yet.

But I have to admit, the thought of going home to that problem sounds a lot better than staying here and having to deal with this one.

"I'll just have to figure it out, I guess. It's not like I can ignore her forever." I walk into the bathroom, grabbing my things from there before returning to my bag, putting them inside and zipping it closed.

"So that's it? You're just leaving?" I turn around to face her, seeing the sadness in her eyes and I sling my bag over my shoulder.

"It's time I go home, Jess. I never thought I'd end up staying here this long in the first place. But I'm so happy you let me." I take her hand in mine and give it a squeeze, "I don't know what I would have done without you."

She gives me a smile and squeezes my hand back, "I'm going to miss you being two doors down from me."

I return the smile and bring her into a hug, nuzzling my head into the crook of her neck.

"Me too. Thank you, Jess. For everything."

After we quickly say our goodbyes I walk away feeling even worse than I did before. Because now I remember that once I leave this problem, I'll be forced to face another one.

One I know I'm not ready for.

As I look forward on the road ahead of me, I let the tears I've held back finally fall free. Last night I knew what the outcome of it all would be, but I never imagined it would hurt this much.

I pull into the driveway and sit there for a few moments and attempt to clear any signs that I have just been crying off my face but it's no use. There's no way for me to hide the pain I feel.

I stare at my reflection in the rear view mirror, and the person staring back at me is unrecognizable.

I quickly look away, and untuck my hair from behind my ear hoping that it'd help cover my face.

The house in front of me seems smaller than I remember it. Jessica's house is much, much bigger than mine and I wonder if it's always looked like this.

I take a deep breath, and ready myself for the next few weeks I have ahead of me before unlocking the front door and stepping inside.

Amy, Sylvia and my mother are all standing in the kitchen and once I enter everything falls silent- all eyes on me.

I don't say anything, if I even try to speak I doubt any words will actually come out without me breaking into tears.

So instead of speaking up, I walk right past them and go upstairs to my room, slamming the door shut behind me.