"Refill?" I hear Jessica ask beside me and lift my empty glass over to her so she can fill it back up.

This morning I woke up in an empty bed, yet again. I thought by now I would be used to him disappearing in the middle of the night, but I guess in some way it still affects me. I can only imagine him rolling me over and sneaking off; I just wish he would stay for one night at least, but I know the chances of that happening are very little.

There's still so many questions I want to ask him. Especially after last night, I'm now more aware of how closed off he really is. It bothers me how tense he gets everytime he looks at his phone, and even worse how he tries to purposely hide the screen from me. I know he'll tell me when he's ready but a part of me feels like he never will be.

I want to know why he doesn't sleep with anyone, or even really sleep at all. 

Since living here I've come to realize how little he actually does sleep, it seems like he's out for most of the night and whenever he does come home he always ends up going into my room for the next couple of hours. Then I'll wake up in the morning and he'll be gone.

I wonder if it has to do with the coke, maybe that's why he's never tired?

I sigh at the thought while I watch Jessica fill up my glass with the pitcher filled with vodka and orange juice we made before coming outside.

"Shit," of course she overfills my glass and some of the drink falls onto my fingers and onto the ground, "Sorry."

I quickly tell her that it's fine and bring the glass up to my lips, taking a few sips to take some out.

This morning I decided to spend the day with Jessica, I know she's been having a rough time dealing with the drama involving Shawn and the last thing I want is to make her feel alone in any of it. So I helped her make the drinks before we went out into the backyard and laid back on the lounge chairs in our bathing suits, soaking up the sun above us.

I place the glass back onto the small table in between us, and feel my tense muscles start to relax. I can't let all of these questions consume my thoughts, I just need to push them aside for now and focus on spending the day with my best friend.

"So, what about this one?" Jessica asks, her arm extending over to show me her phone screen.

Oh God, why did I agree to this?

I take the phone out of her grasp and look at the photo displayed on the screen. My nose scrunches up and I shake my head before passing it back to her.

"Too realistic." I shudder.

Jessica sighs, looking at the photo, "Is that even a thing?"

"Jess, if you want it to look like that why don't you just go out and get the real deal instead of wasting your money on it."

"Because Elle, men are scum and I can't settle for anything less than what I deserve anymore. Plus, I can already feel the cobwebs growing inside of me from the lack of sex I've been getting."

I can't help but laugh as I turn my head to face her, my hand blocking out the sun, "It's been what, a week now?"

"My point exactly."

I shake my head, reaching over to grab my glass again and take a sip. Of course Jessica would find a week without sex a long time. But I guess I understand what she's saying. Lately I've been finding myself very sexually active, I'm sure I would be frustrated too if all of the sudden it just stops.

"You know, you should look into getting one too since you're not getting any either."

I nearly choke on the drink, and set it down before Jessica has time to notice my change in demeanor.

"Ooh, what about this one?" She shoves her phone in my face and I move my head back a little in order to see the screen in front of me.

My eyes nearly pop out of my head at the photo.

"Or well, I don't know. What's your preferred size?"

"Jess, I think some things are better left unanswered and this is one of them."

"Oh come on, at least tell me if Aiden is bigger or smaller than this and we can work ourselves out from there."

I let out a defeated sigh, knowing that Jess will most deffidently keep asking me this until I give her a real answer. I look at the screen one more time, and surprisingly when my eyes take in the sight in front of me, my mind goes to Mason.

I feel a bit guilty for admitting to myself that Aiden is in fact smaller than the picture- way smaller, but Mason on the other hand...

"I-I guess... bigger...?" I tell her as if it's a question and see her eyes widen and mouth drop in front of me. Why do I get the feeling like I'm about to regret telling her this?

"What!" She exclaims, before bursting out into a bit of laughter. "It's no wonder you've been trying to get him to dick you down all this time, I know I would be if his is bigger than this." She wiggles her eyebrows in front of me and my stomach turns.

Oh if only she knew.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish I could take a page out from your book."

"What do you mean?" I ask, redirecting my focus back to her.

She lets out a deep sigh, "I've managed to make myself look like a complete and total fool while you... I just- how do you do it? In the beginning of the summer you slept with Mason for fucks sake and now you have Aiden, this great guy."

I turn my head away from her as she continues, "Ugh I hate to admit it but I've become Sofia fucking Taylor, the girl who still fucks around with the guy knowing the outcome of it all. It's pathetic is what it is."

Pathetic

The word rings in my ears and it takes me a few moments to get past it before I speak up.

"You're nothing like Sofia." Is the only thing that manages to get out of my mouth.

And I'm right, she's nothing like Sofia but what about me? Is everything she just said true? Does me being with Mason make me just like her?

"Besides," I feel the jealousy in me saying, "you don't even know if Mason and her still hang out. Knowing Sofia, I'm sure she's already moved on to the next guy, which you will do once you take your nose out of your screen of vibrators."

"Of course they do."

"And how do you know that?"

"Because I saw them yesterday."

My head snaps back towards her direction and I hope the shock on my face isn't as visible as I think it is. Her words only make the knot in my stomach tighten and all of the sudden I feel sick.

"You did?" My voice is now soft, and it takes everything not to lose it right in front of her.

"With my own eyes." She sank back into the lounge chair and took another sip of her drink, unaware of just how much her words affected me.

They were together?

My mind swirls with all of these different sceneries on what they could have been doing, each one worse than the last.

I wish I could say that this new information doesn't just feel like someone pulled the rug from down under me, because it does.

I haven't seen Sofia since that day at Ollie's Diner, the morning after Mason and I slept together for the second time. I guess a part of me forgot about her, or wanted to at least. 

Whenever Mason is out I do wonder who he might be with, but I always thought it'd be some random girl, not her. The one girl who has made my life a living hell for the past couple of years, the one girl who despises me the most.

I can feel my mouth start to go dry, and I quickly lick my lips before opening my mouth back up.

"What uh- what were they doing exactly?" I try to make it sound like I'm not too curious about the matter, but I can't help it.

"They were just in his car in front of this old building."

Old building?

"But that's not the point, Elle. The point is that for some unexplainable reason the world must have it out for me if I'm able to relate to Sofia Taylor of all people. Because even though I know that Shawn is totally incapable of feeling anything for anyone other than his low life self, I still want to ride off into the sunset with him. So instead of doing that I'm going to sit here and buy the vibrator of my choice and I don't want to hear a word about it."

She rambles off, half joking towards the end of it and all I do is stare at her and watch until she finishes. She takes a deep breath while looking at me until she suddenly starts laughing at her own words. I join in a little, hoping the laughs I try too hard to pour out of me will somehow elevate my mood.

But it doesn't.

These are the moments I hate when it comes to him; the downfalls. There is so much uncertainty in what we're doing, oftentimes I try to ignore it but it seems as though it might be catching up to me quicker than I thought.

"I just want a good guy, you know?" Jessica's words break my out of my thoughts and I look over at her, her hazel colored eyes showing a glint of sadness.

"You will, Jess." I reassure her, and her lips widen into a smile.

"Now what about this one?" She quickly throws her phone into my lap and I pick it up.

"What happened to it being your choice?"

"Well, as my best friend it's your duty to approve of what goes inside of me, real or fake."

I brace myself for the photo on the screen in front of me. And for the next thirty minutes while I help Jessica pick out her new toy, I can't help but compare them all to him. And it only reminds me that no matter how badly I want it, it'll never be mine.

❀

I turn over once more in bed and let out a long sigh. I've been in bed for the last hour and a half trying to fall asleep but for some reason I can't. It's almost like my mind is telling me to close my eyes while my body is screaming at me to wait for him.

I look over at the clock, 2: 47 a.m. I haven't seen him all day, and it only adds to the worsening pit in my stomach.

Since sitting by the pool earlier today with Jessica I've realized that there are so many red flags when it comes to him. There's so many things he's done that I've just swept under the rug. I knew the guy Mason is since the beginning, all of those nights sleeping with random women, all of the hurtful words he's said to me. 

How could I have let all of that slide?

He still won't ever speak to me if Jessica is around, he only brings me out to Freddie's Bar where no one ever is. It's like he's afraid to be seen with me.

Then there's the fact that I caught him at Club X surrounded by all of those women after he ignored me for four days.

Every red flag that I count only makes me feel like an even bigger idiot.

But the icing on the cake is definitely him still being around Sofia, that only confirms all of my suspicions.

It's so hard to think clearly when he's around, but with me lying here in bed alone only makes me come to my senses. The reality of it all is hitting me and it's making me realize how crazy the thought of him and I together would be.

It's barely even begun and I've already told too many lies to count. I've betrayed Aiden, lied to Amy and have been going behind Jessica's back since I've been here. This isn't the person I want to become.

I can't do this anymore.

What him and I are doing is bound to come to an end.

So after contemplating it for a while I decide that tomorrow I will get the answers I need. I can't keep doing this to myself, I need to ask Mason what this is- what we are.

The thought of me asking Mason that question almost makes me feel an inescapable feeling of panic. But the pit of uncertainty in my stomach and painful tugging on my heart feels much worse.

As I close my eyes I start to hear the sound of footsteps outside my bedroom door. A few seconds later I hear my door open and gently close, and my body freezes under the blankets knowing who's just entered my room.

A part of me is afraid to open my eyes to the man who's currently swarming every inch of my thoughts. The man who has no idea how badly he's hurting me.

I feel the bed dip beside me and I open my eyes to see him lying on his back, his arm stretched behind his head, facing towards me.

His piercing green eyes stare into mine, and it almost has the power to wash all of my pain away.

"Did I wake you?" He asks, and I shake my head.

From where I am lying I can already start to smell the alcohol and cigarette smoke coming off of him, and it only stirs my emotions even more.

"What's wrong?"

I look back up to him only to find genuine concern written all over his face. There are so many things wrong, things I want to voice to him but I can't now. I just want to cherish this night with him because for all I know this can end up being our last.

"Nothing." I respond, his eyebrows knit closely together and for a moment I feel like he might say something, but he doesn't.

I prop myself up on my shoulders and lean toward him, connecting my mouth to his. I leave it lingering there, savoring every last moment I can with him, and can't help the single tear that falls from my eye.

A fever sparks in my lower belly, and it only leaves me wanting more from him. But instead of doing that, I quickly lower my head onto his chest so he's unable to see the tears escaping. My arm grips around his torso tightly, and when I feel him wrap his free arm around me I almost lose it entirely.

I clench my mouth shut, stopping the sob that's trying to break free and close my eyes.

I know he'll leave me later in the night, just like I know he might leave me tomorrow when I ask the question that's been clouding my thoughts.

And even if that's the case, all I want tonight is to hold him, no matter the outcome of it all.

So I hang onto him for as long as he let's me, close my eyes and sleep.