In the back of my mind, I always knew this day would come.

I don't think I ever wanted to admit it to myself. It was easier to just try and make it work than to hurt someone that I sincerely care about.

I remember how I felt with Aiden months ago; happy and safe. There'd be a warmness in my heart from even the mention of his name, our last memories together would constantly be replaying in my mind, a single thought of him made me smile brighter than I thought anyone else would make me.

But things are too different now.

I never expected to fall for Mason. Whatever is going on between the two of us is complicated, and I'm not quite sure that'll ever change. There's so much uncertainty in the way I feel. With Aiden I would have that sense of security I needed. I had gotten so used to people walking out of my life, but with him I always knew he'd be there.

Mason... not so much.

Everything with him is different every day. I never know what to expect, and some days it can be an emotional rollercoaster.

But I want him.

All of me- every single part of me- wants him.

The magnetic pull I have towards him is indescribable and there's no more denying that.

But right now I'm scared.

I'm scared that after I tell Aiden he'll want nothing to do with me. I can feel my nerves spiking, skin turning hot and sweaty, hands trembling at even the thought of it happening.

I know Aiden hasn't necessarily been the best figure in my life lately, but I know I've certainly been putting him through a lot this summer.

I look at him straight ahead from me, his gaze still fixated on his hands, body sitting down on my porch steps and I stand here, not being able to move. Heaviness settles into my gut, the feeling of uneasiness in the pit of my stomach just as nauseating as I work up the nerve to walk in closer to him.

He doesn't notice me until I'm only a few feet away, and when he sends me that easy-going smile of his I nearly contemplate on if I should really be doing this.

I can do this.

Inhale. Exhale.

We exchange hello's, the air turning thick around us and I get the feeling that he knows it's coming too. His body seems tense, not a single relaxed muscle on display for me to see, his hair is messier than usual, skin is paler, smile more short lasting. While I on the other hand still feel Mason everywhere, on my skin, between my legs, my entire body still sore and aching from how rough he was with me earlier.

He's like some kind of illicit drug I can't stop myself from craving.

The endorphins running at an all time high in my system are slowly starting to be replaced with panic as Aiden's eyes take me in in front of him, looking the least bit impressed with what he sees.

"How was everything last night? You were gone in such a hurry, and you never called. I got worried." He speaks, and I shift beside him.

Oh, shit.

I completely forgot that he told me to give him an update. I had gotten so wrapped up in things very quickly. Right when I saw the state Mason was in, everything else in my mind vanished and all I could focus on was him.

"I'm sorry, there was just never really a good time to call." I give him an honest answer hoping it'll suffice, but from the look on his face I can tell it's not even close to being enough.

He looks so done with this, done with everything I've put him through and I force my eyes away.

"Are you just now getting home?" He raises an eyebrow, something dark flashing in his eyes. He already knows my answer, he just wants me to say it.

"Yeah, I ended up staying the night." There's a few long moments of silence, and even though he masks it well I can still see frustration flooding his face.

Weeks ago I would have come up with an excuse on how Jessica needed me, and I had no choice. But there's no point in trying to find the words I know he won't care to listen to, because we both know that Jessica isn't the reason I stayed.

I wonder if he can see it.

The way my skin is still hot and feverish over how I was just touched. My lips in front of him still swollen, hair disheveled and cheeks a shade darker than normal.

It's awful.

Completely fucking terrible and it only gives me more of a reason to do this.

"Do you want to come inside?" I break the awkward silence threatening to suffocate us and he shakes his head, stuffing his hands into his front pockets.

"No, I was going to ask you if you wanted to get breakfast. You know, since our date was cut short last night."

Going out for breakfast.

It's a simple request, but I know that if I don't do this now I never will. It's so easy for me to psych myself out of difficult situations, I can't simmer about this for too long or I'll overthink it and question everything.

He takes note of my reaction, "What is it? Have you eaten already?"

I shake my head, "No, no, I haven't. I just don't think that'd be such a good idea."

"Why not?" He asks me, and I watch as an emotion slowly settles itself onto his face. I can't decipher what it is, but it's almost like realization has hit him and the weight on my chest gets heavier.

I try to read the expression, his body language, see if I can figure out what's going on in his head from the twitch in his jaw, the knitting of his eyebrows, and once his eyes harden with mine I have to remind myself to breathe.

"It's him, isn't it?" His voice is soft, each word doused in disbelief, "That's what you were going to tell me last night, that you chose him?"

"Aiden, I-"

"Please tell me you are not that stupid, Elle."

His patience and tolerance for me has been cut in half, the tone in his voice is nothing but cold and the blood freezes in my veins. I could swear my heart stops for a full second, body shrinking three times smaller from his choice of words.

Another long moment of silence passes by us.

"...I care about him, Aiden." I hesitantly admit, and there's a sharp, sinking feeling in my gut about where this is about to go.

He sighs, giving me a patronising smile, not believing my words for a second.

"You're confused. He's gotten into your head. Let me take you out to breakfast and we'll sort things out." I blink at him, insulted that he's speaking to me like I'm a child. He reaches his hand out, wrapping it around my arm to try and lead me over to his car and without thinking I shake it out of his grasp.

"No."

Aiden's nostrils flare, jaw tensing over my refusal to leave with him and when he takes a step toward me I instinctively take a step back, wanting to keep our distance. I recognize the look on his face, it's the same one I saw at Corey's party. There's nothing but anger circling around in his eyes and my heart falls into my stomach.

He scoffs, the end of his voice quickly turning into a laugh while he shakes his head incredulously at me, "This was your plan all along, wasn't it?"

My brows furrow, "What are you talking about?"

He takes another step toward me and I shift further back, my heart beating a little faster in my chest after my eyes sweep over the empty parking spots in front of my house.

No one's home.

The angered look in his eyes intensifies, "You think you have the right to humiliate me like this?"

"That wasn't what I was trying to do-"

I'm interrupted by more laughter rumbling out from his stomach, not one single note of it is real, he's doing this to taunt me , make me feel guilty about everything and I roll my lips into my mouth to keep me from saying something I know I'll regret.

I'm not used to seeing this side of him.

Everytime his face morphs into the cold, volatile expression I never know how to handle it.

"Do you take me for some sort of fool?" I open my mouth to speak but he interjects, "Did he offer you money, is that what this is?"

My eyes widen, "Excuse me?"

"How much? Or did you just give it to him like some cheap whore?" He seethes, the sheer malice in his tone making me take more steps back in both surprise and offense.

The cautiousness I felt moments ago is quickly toppled by hurt, anger, and outrage that he thinks he's able to speak to me this way.

A whore

The words slipped out from his mouth easier than it should have, and right when it does there's not a drop of remorse on his face. He meant it, with every cruel vicious intent, he meant it.

"Don't call me that." I say firmly, my own emotions threatening to break through.

"Don't you see what he's doing to you?" He says to me, his voice raising, vein on the side of his neck bulging with anger and my face grows hot with frustration.

"And what is that? Huh? Since you seem to know so much about everything." I throw my hands up, shrugging and refusing to let him intimidate me.

I notice how hard he's trying to contain his rage, the clenching and unclenching of his jaw, balled up fists on either side of his body, widened eyes and the slow rise and fall of his chest as he steadies each breath is a dead give away.

"He's turning you into him." A heavy gush of air leaves my nose and I tear my eyes away from him, "The Elle I know would never drink her way through summer, get on the back of motorcycles or go to clubs and parties during the middle of the week. Does that impress you? The way every time we're with him he gets himself into a fight and looks so coked up like the junkie he-"

My shoulders bristle and I take a daring step toward him, "Don't you ever call him that again."

He must have taken my step closer to him as an invitation because he moves forward, a tired sigh escaping his lips.

"I would never want you to change for me. Right when you give him what he wants he'll leave you. He's done it before and he'll do it again."

Hearing Aiden talk about Mason twists an angry pit in my stomach.

"You don't know him."

My words seem to amuse him, "And you do? You really think he's sticking around because he's interested in you? He only wants you for sex, Elle and you're stupid to think otherwise."

The sting in my chest from his words is overwhelming. I had been blind to this feeling- the way he's been making me feel for a while now. At first I didn't know how to describe it, I still don't. The only word I can think of is small.

He makes me feel small.

This man who I believed was my first love; the one who made sure my head was held high after both my parents were gone. He gave me a sense of direction, I didn't have to second guess everything because I knew exactly who he wanted me to be.

I don't even recognize the person in front of me.

A wolf in sheep's clothing

"You..." I stutter, trying to push past the hurt to comprehend what to say, "You're wrong."

I blink away the tears pricking my eyes and he sees, becoming almost proud in the way he's affecting me. This is the reaction he wants. I'm sure he's been dying to get this out since he first found out Mason and I slept together, it was only a matter of time before everything came bursting out.

"So you're his girlfriend now?" He asks me, corners of his lips tilting upwards as he revels in my silence, "No. Of course not. Because everyone knows he doesn't date."

I should be screaming at him, yelling for him to get off of my porch, giving him a real piece of my mind but I can't get my mouth to open.

He's right, Mason doesn't date.

I understand the situation I've gotten myself into but there's no crawling out of it now. I've let all my pessimistic thoughts on the subject coil in my stomach for too long. This entire summer has been mind numbingly exhausting, but it's been awakening too.

Knowing that the man in front of me also has a mask of his own.

But the person behind it is not who I ever expected it to be.

My silence eggs him on, "You think he's going to stop sleeping with all of those women for some inexperienced girl like you? Don't be so naive."

Anger and anguish bursts inside my chest as I feel the tears I've tried so hard to fight off slowly run down my cheeks. Everything he's saying, all of the hurtful, malicious words are thoughts I've struggled to bury.

I thought it was all in my head, my own insecurities trying to take me down. But it's clear to me now that this must be what everyone will see if word ever got out.

Mason, a man who is strictly known for hookups got an inexperienced girl like me into bed.

Repeatedly.

I shake those thoughts out, I'm not going to let him ruin everything we've built all because he's jealous that it's not with him.

My voice sounds shakier than I expect it to be, "You should go."
"What?" He bellows, and as I start to take a step away from him he follows.

"I want you to leave."

"No." He argues, shaking his head and a shiver of awareness runs down my spine over the fact that we're alone together. I know Aiden would never hurt me, cause me any ounce of physical pain but it's getting easier to question at this moment. "I'm not going to just walk away from this. He doesn't get to take you away from me."

I can't take this anymore.

"Why are you making this harder for me than it already is!"

"Because I love you!"
My world momentarily stops. I can't help but stare at him, wide eyed and clueless on what to say next.

Love

A word with a variety of meanings to many different people.

Aiden says he loves me, but I don't see it, I don't feel it, I can't touch it- it's not there. Love is about accepting someone for all their failures, stupidities, and imperfections, it's about trust, patience, respect.

And it only takes hearing those three words for me to realize just how wrong he really is.

"Don't say that..."

"Why not?" He growls darkly, clenching his fists and I recoil from him, "I do. Elle, I love-"

"Stop." I interrupt, my voice coming out louder than I anticipated, "I don't want to hear that because it's bullshit."

"Bullshit?"

"You don't love me!" I shout, my voice cracking, tears falling from my eyes, "You love who I was, not who I am."

I take a broken deep breath and press my lips together, stopping my mouth from trembling. I wish this wasn't so difficult to do- end things. But Aiden was such a big part of my life not too long ago, he was someone I thought was everything I've ever wanted.

I could see a future with him.

But in such a short amount of time so much changed, and even though his spiteful words were filled with an intent to hurt me, I'm not able to do it as easily.

His face softens, "How can you say that to me?"

I wipe my eyes, turning my head away from him signalling my defeat. I don't have it in me to argue anymore. Here I stand in front of him, tears in my eyes, pain in my chest from his cold callousness and a part of me feels ashamed because I know it's exactly what he wants to see.

"Please, just go."

"No." He argues and I groan internally, he's definitely gotten a lot more stubborn since we've broken up. "I've let you go off and do your own thing this summer but I won't stand it any longer. I want to be with you. I can give you a relationship, Elle, and that's something he'll never be able to offer. Makeup and all the revealing clothes you can buy won't change that."

He gives me a once over, looking at me with nothing but disappointment in his eyes and my heart splinters in my chest. I glare right at him, a tightening in my throat from my short intake of breaths, hurt tears flooding my cheeks.

He picks his chin up, looking down at me, "I can't believe you would be this stupid to leave me for a guy like him. Embarass me, humiliate me, a man who loves you just for quick easy sex." He pauses, "Your father raised you better than that."

Right when he finishes his sentence a burning fury swells inside of me. I can almost feel the blood boiling in my veins, my pulse picking up speed, head spinning, threatening to explode.

I don't have much time to think before my fist collides with his chest, pushing him away from me with all the strength I can muster. He stumbles back, regaining his balance and I push him again and again, vision blurred from tears.

He never even met my father, he has no idea what he would want.

"Don't you dare bring him into this!" I shove his chest again, "Don't you fucking dare!" My hand goes flying up towards his face and he roughly wraps his hand around my wrist to stop me.

I wince, becoming aware that he grabbed the wrist he dug his nails into days ago, and when I try to force him off of me he grips tighter, nostrils flaring, face seeing with anger.

He moves his body closer to mine, and when I back away he notices my reluctance to get close to him. I don't even blink before he pushes me against the front door of my house and I yelp, my mind rambling on with just how far he would really take this.

Images of the night with Isaac resurface, followed by all the tactics Mason taught me to get myself out of this situation.

But I can't move.

I never imagined Aiden would be on the other side of it.

"You love me, I know you do." He pleads and I choke on my sob, "He's only manipulating you-"

"No. No, I-I don't-" His body surges forward, hand letting go of my waist and clinging onto either side of my face as he silences me with a kiss.

The moment our lips touch I shove my hands against his chest, trying to force him off of me but he doesn't budge. My head shakes, body squirming in his grasp, denying every wordless request of his with nothing but disgust climbing up my throat.

I throw my fist harder into his chest, tearing our lips apart from one another's. Just when there's enough room between us Aiden brings his hand back and my body flinches, head lowering down as he swings it toward me.

I close my eyes, backing further into the door and expecting to feel the impact of his hand on my skin but it never comes.

It takes me a few moments to build the courage to open my eyes again, afraid of what I might see.

I squint them open, blinking away the moisture to clear my vision and see Aiden's hand no longer in the air. He had taken a few steps away from me, regret, shame, and guilt contorting each feature on his face.

Those blue eyes I mistakenly thought I once fell in love look nothing but soulless in front of me.

He tried to hit me.

"I'm so sorry, Elle. I- I didn't mean it. I'm angry, you made me angry, I just-"

"You need to leave." I tell him, another sob cracking through my voice.

I know he isn't going to make it easy but after what just happened I can't even look at him. I turn around, not wasting a precious moment and quickly bury my hand into my jacket pocket, bringing out my keys.

My shaking hands nearly fumble them as I hurriedly unlock the door to my house, struggling to catch my breath.

"No, I-" He reaches his hand out to me and I flinch away from him, screaming at him not to touch me before rushing inside, closing and locking the door behind me.

I collapse down, falling onto the floor unable to fight the tears coming out, feeling my whole chest ache with each sob. He tried to hit me, Aiden tried to hit me.

I hear him shuffle around on the other side of the door and I clamp my mouth shut, immediately quieting myself so he doesn't hear me.

"Elle... Open the door. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I would never... I would never do that to you. Please just let me in." He softly begs, "Elle, listen to me. I was only trying to be honest with you because no one else will. He's going to hurt you again, it's who he is and I can't stand the thought of ever seeing you hurt. I'm not done with us, I know you two hooked up at the beginning of the summer but I've forgiven you for your mistakes."

I follow the trail my tears are dropping and look down at my hands. I lift them up towards me, trying to wrap my head around just how hard they're shaking.

My whole body is shaking.

And I hear him say one last thing before walking off the porch and driving away, "Forgive me for mine."

❀❀❀ 

me to Aiden: