A/N: this oneshot is down and possibly seen as depressing and if you're easily influenced by that then maybe don't read.
I just needed to write this down as it in some form or way represents my personal state of mind. (Not like this story is about me, at all though. But its written from the heart).

For anyone going through a rough time: please take good care of yourself, you're the thing thats most important.🧡

🌘

"It's there again", Tyler spoke softly, almost in a whisper.

His voice sounded like angels sighing, and it was beautiful. But Josh hated it. Not the voice, no never the voice. But the words. The words. He hated those, as much as he longed for those at the exact same time.

"What is?"

Josh asked anyway, knowing all to well what Tyler meant, cursing himself for not being able to hide it better.
They watched the stars, the tiny sprinkles all over the thick dark sky, slowly turning it's way around them.

"That look", the brunette answered. He knew already Josh knew what he had meant. They both knew, yet they both just kept on talking and answering, as if this hadn't happened before.

"You're getting lost again." Tyler slowly turned to his side. The brunettes hand emphasized his words by clutching Josh's hand into his own so tight, bloodflow would probably stop soon.

"I hate it", he whispered, trying to hold on to Josh as if it was the only thing that kept him on the face of the Earth.

"Sorry", Josh whispered. It was all so confusing. He tried not to hurt Tyler with every fiber in his body, but it didnt matter. Because no matter what he did, he would always hurt the boy. All because that beautiful, sweet, naive boy decided to love him. He was foolish. He never should have.

Josh could be honest. But being honest would crush Tyler's heart and whole life. And Josh's too. Because he felt awful for still feeling this... this empty, and useless and miserable even though he was loved by the prettiest human on the planet. And he loved Tyler. So much. So unbelievably much. And it killed him that still he felt like he shouldn't be here. He was a waste of space and time. A waste of oxygen. Nothing. And being honest, and admitting that to Tyler would be worse then anything else he could imagine.

The other option was lying. But there's two ways of that too. Big lies, and smaller lies.

Big lies would mean he would pretend to be okay. Just fine. Happy even. He doubted doing that too. Just because Tyler deserved it. He deserved endless love and kisses and smiles and surprises.
It wasn't like Tyler didnt make him happy, somehow he just... wasn't capable of being happy. Tyler made his heart go from cold to warm. From empty to filled with butterflies. He was everything Josh had ever wished for, but there was no way he deserved Tyler's love. He wasn't worth it, and he felt guilty for the fact that Tyler chose to love him. He shouldn't have.
Big lies, pretending to be happy would crush Tyler if he ever found out. He'd feel betrayed, cheated, humiliated, used. And maybe for the short term it would work, and Josh would be able to keep his act up to see that beautiful smile on the brunettes face. But he would crash once. Probably sooner than later. And he wasn't able to deal with the consequences of that.

Little lies were the last option, and eventually the one Josh settled for. It was the best combination of avoidance and honesty he could make. But it was exhausting, fighting to survive another day himself and not hurt Tyler at the same time.

"Don't be sorry. I just wish I was enough. That I could make it better", Tyler's voice broke softly.

"You do", Josh answered as he kissed the boys nose. That wasn't a lie. It was more than the truth. Because everything would be even worse without Tyler. He made it all better. He just couldn't make it all right. Nobody could. It wasn't his fault. Nobody would do better than Tyler. Nobody. Ever. This was just unfixable. Josh was unrepairable.

Sometimes he wished he didn't have Tyler. He didn't deserve him in the first place, that was for sure. All he did was hurt the boy. Now or later. Guilt.
Not having him would make it so much easier to go. Leave. He'd be gone already. And he wished that was true, but he also didn't as guilt washed over him.

Now he couldn't leave. He couldn't leave.

"Please promise me you'll stay", the brunette whispered. His other hand grabbed into Josh's shirt, as if to make sure he wouldn't sneak out of his grip.

Josh never answered. He never promised. He wished he could.

Guilt. He loved Tyler so much, that angelic human loved him. Shouldn't that be enough to be okay? To live? Be happy?

"I'd die with you, if you decided to go", Tyler suddenly whispered, Josh's shirt still balled up in his fist.

"No. Tyler. No. That's not fair. Don't say that. Don't do that." Josh sat up, pushing Tyler's hands away, but the boy kept coming back to him. Tyler knew it wasn't fair to say. But what else could he do.

"Don't you put that on me, don't put that on me. That's not fair. Please don't you dare put that on me, I can't carry that too." Josh cried.
Tyler cried too as he held his arms around Josh's shivering body. His arms were strong and safe and gentle and soft but determined and Josh wanted them to go away. To let him go. To let him leave. To let him really leave. But he wanted Tyler to hold him tighter. A little tighter. And Tyler did.

And maybe he held the shattered pieces of Josh together. But Josh couldn't leave. He could never leave. Because that foolish, beautiful angelic boy decided to love him.