inspired on and quoted song:
daniel bedingfield - if you're not the one

***

"i think we should talk"
he could hear josh say the words as if it had been yesterday. he could hear every little detail. how the i was stretched and unsure, and the h in 'think' barely audible, maying the t sound sharp, cutting a way into tyler's ears.
tyler didn't want to talk. as much as he adored joshs voice, the way he pronounced his name, the way words rolled softly off of his tongue, how he'd blink a little uncontrollably whenever it was something that made him a little nervous... he knew the subject josh wanted to talk about and therefor he wished he didn't need to hear any of it at that moment.

the worst of it all was, while josh said those words, the "i think we should talk", he let go of tyler's hand that he had been holding so carefully. so warm, so gentle, so secure, holding it more tightly just before saying those damn words and letting go.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?

maybe he agreed with what josh had said. or asked. he wasn't sure. he never knew how the story was supposed to end, and he never had allowed himself to think about it. really think about it. but in every possible storyline he could think of, every single one, it was about them two. there was no story of tyler without josh. just endless amounts of narratives of him and josh.

people called them soulmates.
maybe they were.
maybe that was it. just that. soulmates.
friendship, but stronger.
but if that was true, they crossed that line tremendously. it was inevitable, bound to happen. the electricity running through him that instant when they kissed, it was life changing and addicting. the immense relief he felt when josh's large calloused hands had pulled his face closer and closer till all space between them had disappeared, hearts synchronized in an exhilarating irregular beat.

If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

the course of his life changed there and then, tyler was sure of that, even if he had no clue in what direction he had been going otherwise.

"i think we should talk" was another life changing one. one of which tyler hoped it wouldn't, he felt like whey were where they belonged.
actively dismissing the sense of being unsure. actively repeating the thought that it would be fine. forcing himself to believe that they could do both. be bandmates and lovers. friends, soulmates, lovers, bandmates, businesspartners. it was as if all the narratives tyler had ever envisioned were supposed to just be one single storyline.

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

"what if it influences us as a band" was what josh said next. almost a whisper, but at the same time rolled into tyler's ears like thunder. tyler knew josh felt the same as he did about the other. josh's eyes could never hold a lie from him. there was nothing but love, appreciation and admiration in there.
but josh was the first to express the worry. the uncertainty. the tiny seed of doubt. the worry that tyler had never allowed himself to think out loud.
did being a succesful world famous band mean they couldn't be together? was both of those things too much? would it hold them back from being the succesful band they had always dreamed of?

did those narratives blend? or were these just unable to mix, leading to a bumpy curdled route? was this the end of one of their storylines?

but did one narrative exist without the other?

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

they both didn't have the answer.
they both didn't want to lose anything of what they had. but did they have to make this sacrifice to succeed, and were they willing to?

tyler had carefully tried to get josh's hand back around his own, he instantly missed feeling the other's warm skin on his, and he even missed the little sharp edges of the calloused blisters on josh's thumb that tyler could sometimes feel softly pressing into the back of his hand when josh absentmindedly caressed his hand. josh had given in, but just for a couple of seconds. he pulled back his hand, pressed his lips to tyler's ever so gently for half a second, then standing up and leaving the room.

And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm prayin' you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

it had been months since it happened
they had gotten used to it
to being friends again
he loved josh still. but realized that he could love josh like this.

their music skyrocketed
they did the things they dreamed of since years.
the things they had talked about for hours and hours and hours in tyler's basement at his parents house.
the fans. gosh, the fans. they had the best fans in the world, endless support and the level in which so many of them seemed to just understand them was mindblowing and humbling.

sold out tours
bestselling albums

they did it. they made it.
they had it all.

and they still had each other. it all worked out.
they had what they always dreamed of.

they had gotten used to it
to being friends.

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side