the good and bad

poem:

It's a peculiar feeling, this sense of aging that creeps in with every passing year. I often find myself caught in a whirlwind of emotions, feeling much older and acting far more mature than my age would suggest. There's a certain pride that comes with embracing responsibility and maturity; it feels empowering to be seen as a dependable figure, especially in my role as the eldest sibling. But alongside that pride is a gnawing frustration, a longing to relive the carefree days of childhood, when life was simpler and filled with spontaneous joy.

As the big sister, there's this unspoken expectation to embody a level of maturity that sometimes feels suffocating. Every birthday that rolls around feels like a marker, not just of another year lived, but of more burdens added to my shoulders. With each year, my parents seem ready to hand over even more responsibilities, as if growing older is an invitation for them to lean on me more heavily. It's a double-edged sword; while I appreciate their trust in me, the weight of expectation can be overwhelming.

I often find myself yearning for the days when my biggest worry was whether I'd get to play outside with my friends after school or if I'd be allowed to stay up late for that one favorite movie. Now, those moments seem like a distant memory, overshadowed by the pressing realities of adulthood. I crave the freedom to act like a kid again, to embrace silliness and spontaneity without the constant reminder of what it means to be the responsible one.

The desire to be young again pulls at me like a siren song. I want to laugh without reservation, to be playful without the weight of expectation. I want to feel the rush of excitement over small things, like the first snowfall of the year or the anticipation of a sleepover. But as I navigate this complex tapestry of growing up, I often feel torn between the two worlds: the world of maturity, where responsibilities abound, and the world of childhood, where joy is unrestrained and innocent.

Ultimately, I want to find a balance. I want to embrace my maturity without losing touch with the playful spirit of my younger self. Perhaps there's a way to be both—the dependable big sister and the fun-loving kid at heart. I just have to remind myself that it's okay to let loose sometimes, to prioritize joy and laughter, even in the face of adult responsibilities. After all, life is too short not to experience the wonder and magic of being young, regardless of the age on my birth certificate.

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BTW IM TURING 13 SLAYY ON TUESDAY 5TH NOVEMBER