So....basically, I finally opened up to my dad and my dad's gf yesterday (well mostly to my dad), and I probably need to talk about with you guys too so...

Fair warning, I'm shit at explaining things, but I'll try.

So, yesterday contained a lot of tears because I made the decision to stop being a secretive lil bish and I explained (probably really badly) about how I was feeling mentally and why I was arguing with my dad a lot. I chalked it down to pent up emotions, and basically what was anger and hatred towards myself ended up being projected outwards and I got annoyed and cranky reeeeeeally easily. I also opened up about something that was really difficult and was the reason I cried so much, and that was my suicidal thoughts. I basically feel like I have to die in order for others to feel less stress because in my mind it feels like it's MY fault that they're unhappy and stressed.

Secondly, the whole compliment thing. I can't take compliments. I know I've said that before and maybe some of you can relate to this, but for me it's like I physically cannot take compliments in. It's mostly because of me feeling like I don't deserve them because I'm a bitch of a person most of the time and so my body just pushed them out like something that's not meant to be in my body.

Another thing is that when my follower count here on Wattpad went up, my mental health went down. I got anxious because I don't update as often as others with this kind of follower count, and I didn't feel proud of what I was writing and putting out there and I wouldn't finish stories and I'd end up starting an entirely new one or some shit like that, and that, in turn, caused my depression to worsen. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate that so many people enjoy my stories, it's just the fact that having so many of you Stray Creatures is like a massive compliment and my body is rejecting it like a sickness and I hate it. I wish it wasn't like this, but it truly is.

I already know I need help, and my dad knows and his gf knows that I need to see a counsellor about this, and I also need to sort out other things within my life like getting a part time job and learning how to drive and preparing myself for the day that I finally get to actually meet my girlfriend whom I love so incredibly much.

In saying all of this, I think it's time I really force myself to take a hiatus from Wattpad. No, I'm not leaving, calm down guys, I will come back, but I will only come back when I'm 1, getting the help I need and 2, when I feel happy with the direction my life is taking. As you guys keep saying to me 'my mental health is more important than updates'. I know most people won't like this, especially those who will stumble upon this account during my hiatus, but I think this is for the best.

Buh bye - Creature/Maddy
*04/09/2019*