I'm not gonna lie, not too 'happy' about new years. Near the end of this year was the worst for me in terms of my depression, and this year I really...I got worse. I did something I was scared to do about five years ago, and that was harm myself.

I'm not looking forward to 2019, not at all. Why? I've had the worst feeling that 2019 is gonna be hell for me in terms of mental health. I have had more suicidal thoughts and so much self doubt and self hate in 2018 it's not even funny and I can't see myself being any happier this year really.

I know I seem like it online, I know I don't really say too much, but I'm fully fucking struggling now. I'm struggling to find actual, real life reasons to stay here, because I feel like I don't belong. The majority of my life is here on the internet, but my real life is non-existent. I'm scared to make friends because I don't want people leaving me again because I'm either too loud or too weird or too quiet. I know it's kind of a joke to say that you have little to no social life, but when you have no friends in real life because all of them you can only contact through the internet isn't that fucking great okay?

Thinking that no one would even want to be friends with a fucking screw up like myself is fucked up and I hate it.

I know I'm kind of lazy, and I know I should do more and I do try, but they keep saying it's not enough. It's never fucking enough. That is highly discouraging.

Happy new years? No, there is no 'happy', its just New Years. That's it...