Lately with something that happened to my friend my mind has been wandering back to a certain someone. Let's name this someone Jose because why not. I can't say his real name in case he happens to stumble upon this... which I highly doubt but one never knows so...

Anyways, let me first talk about what made me think of Jose again. I have a friend let's name her Felicia here. Felicia has had a crush on a guy. Let's call this guy Tommy.

So Felicia has liked this guy since she met him in sixth grade. He sat behind her in science class and he liked to tease her, mess around with her, bother her. Little stuff like that you know? She has had a crush on him since then. But starting middle school it would become a yes I like him to no I can't stand him. So she would sometimes still crush on him and then other times not so much.

Tommy and Felicia can be considered friends of a sort? They can talk easily enough but they're  not really close and they don't talk a lot or often. For my school prom is approaching. And they have English class together as well this semester. On Friday Felicia actually tried to look nice because it was one of those days for her. She felt like dressing up and looking nice. Then she gets to English class and Tommy starts complimenting her.

Felicia doesn't believe in love she thinks it's not for her. She says that love just causes pain and trouble. She hates receiving compliments, especially from guys, and especially about her eyes. But they're really pretty... Anyways, back to the story Tommy was complimenting her and she was weirded out.

She no longer crushes on him at all. Like when I teased her she was like ew... gross... whereas in the past she would've blushed so hard she would resemble a tomato. Anyways, he subtly tried to ask Felicia to prom but she shit him down real quick.

"Hey, are you going to prom?"

"Yeah, why are you?"

"Yeah, just wondering you know? So, are you going with anyone?"

"Nope, are you?"

"No-"

"Don't worry you'll find someone to take or you could always go solo with a friend like me."

Gosh Felicia she just had to do that...

"Well, I was actually planning on asking you."

She didn't respond. She left him in read. She hopes that he doesn't ask her out to prom in public so she can kindly turn him down.  More than anything she hopes he won't ask at all. Who knows though?

So that is what got me thinking in Jose again. Who is Jose? You might be wondering. Well my history with him goes back all the way to third grade... when I met him he was still learning English as he had recently moved here. I don't know how but we started talking and we became friends. Then I started to like him and while we would occasionally flirt I don't think he ever felt the same way. He flirted with any girl and every girl... for the most part.

As we got older he started distancing himself. When I met him he was different and then he started changing. He started to care about what people thought of him. He wanted to be well liked by everyone so he started hanging out with the "popular" crowd. Me? I definitely do not belong to that crowd, I am nowhere close to being there. The closest I got was being friends with a person who is friends with some of the people in the "popular" crowd. Jose stopped talking to me and hugging me and leaning on my shoulder. He would talk to me and I would just listen. Then he stopped and I missed him but what could I do? Nothing.

Jose has a cousin that I am friends with. I have been friends with her since we were in kindergarten? Jose got out of contact with his cousin, my friend, let's call her... Rosa. Rosa stopped being close with Jose after some family drama happened with them. At this point we were now in middle school. In sixth grade Jose would still occasionally come to talk to me. He would watch me from afar and wave at me or grin at me or even be as bold as to send a wink my way. I still liked him so I wouldn't mind these interactions no matter how small and insignificant they might seem. When we got to seventh grade though... I got tired of being his other choice. He only talked to me when we were alone. I got angry at being his other choice so I shot some words his way in a not so nice tone. Since then our interactions stopped.

I have still liked him. How can I not but I like the old him the one who leaned on my shoulder. The one who told me I smelled like flowers, the one who liked to talk for hours to me since I didn't mind his rambling like other people. I missed his jokes and annoying questions. It's all over. Now I've come to accept that I have finally gotten over him. But it took me almost 10 years of liking him and about 5 years of being away from him to finally not be attached to him. I no longer think about him like I used to. I don't ask myself what he is doing as I go about my day. I don't care if I see him in the hallways. When I see him with girls I no longer pity myself for not being able to be close to him like those girls. I no longer think about showing him what he lost by pushing me away and caring more about his image. He has become unrecognizable to me now. Even physically he has changed so much... things I used to like about him I now question.

Why did I like to run my fingers through his short hair? I prefer longer hair where I can actually feel the soft, smooth, silky strands of hair. I have a thing for running my hands through hair. Why did I think his voice was beautiful? It's too rough and his laugh is loud and annoying. People were right when they said he was annoying, a show off, trying to be cool. Guess that's what liking someone so much does to you. You don't see what other people see.

I hope one day I find someone perfect for me... honestly I doubt it since I'm socially awkward. I am a wallflower. I mean I do love dancing and occasionally having all the attention but that's just in the rush of the moment because afterwards I withdraw back into myself. Personally I would rather be with someone who isn't Mexican or Latino like me... I've had nothing but heartache and problems with these guys.

I have a few exceptions but sadly I only see these few exceptions I see as friends and nothing more. They don't see me as anything other than a friend too so... yeah... maybe the next time I cm speak more about my heartache and problems with guys. Or about my guy friends. We'll see... Anyways that is all I have to say. For today at least.