There were times in my life when I thought

monsters hid under my bed

and all that I have done went to dust and

built some chaos inside my head

and all that I felt was nothing but

such emptiness in the center of

my chest like the void of

the water that seemed waveless.

Back then I was afraid—

too afraid to think,

to feel, to say, to blink,

to fight, to cry, to try

Yes, I was afraid.

There were times in my life when I thought

I was drowning in those honeysuckle memories

that you and I have almost cherished

and I began to think what could have

gone wrong and what could have been

done better than leaving me hanging

onto those words of promises

you absentmindedly uttered.

And so, I was afraid—

too afraid to fall too deeply,

to risk, to believe, and be left

and begin again

And again, I was afraid.

There were times in my life when I looked at

myself in the mirror I have felt the tremor,

the shaking of my hands, the sweating

all over my palms, and all those insecurities

started to grow as my head about to explode

for all the times I regretted the most,

for all the years that have been wasted,

for my life had already ended.

And once more, I was afraid—

scared to go outside,

to speak, to move, to breathe

to be seen by the unseen,

I was afraid!

There were times in my life when I tried

to move on so desperately just to keep my

misgivings away from my dear old friend—anxiety;

left was the broken pieces of memories

and remnants that I kept trying to wash out

for years and I believed for so many times

that I could never be good enough for you

or for anyone else around me.

And again, I was afraid

too afraid to stumble,

to break, to fall, to be a failure

and turn to nothing but ashes

I was afraid.

Yet came the silver lining underneath;

the empty walls may have witnessed

what the silent screams have meant

the raging thunder may have appeared

in darkness or in nightmares over and over

and might have thought I was, too, afraid of him

but trust me when I say my bedroom walls now

are new and clean—my safe haven

so, when a thunderstorm sets in,

I no longer scream.

Deadly times had taught me what living is,

I chose to live than to exist

to fight, to fall apart, to fall in love with love,

to be free and begin again

I am no longer afraid to.

-c.v.