Title: Unloved

Rating: Teen

TW: Depression

Based off "Unloved" by Lisa Cimorelli

Not really an Aleheather fanfiction, but based off Heather alone. This could be taken as a prequel to "You're My Motivation" or stand alone.

**

My legs are too thick
and then they're too small
I'm everything I hate
and then I'm nothing at all

Heather sighed at her naked body in the mirror as she desperately tried to pick out something to wear. She was going on her first ever date. There was no way she wanted to tell the guy it was her first, considering they were freshman in college. I'm 18 years old and I've never even been on one actual date. Loser.

She threw on a red tank top and a black miniskirt. Ugh, my thighs look way too fat. Maybe I should ask my mom. She went downstairs and saw her mother working on her laptop.

"Mom? Do you think this skirt makes my legs look big?"

"Heather," she let out an exhausted sigh. "Why are you even worried about these kinds of things? If anything, your legs are too skinny."

She rolled her eyes. "Ok, whatever." She went back upstairs to finish getting ready.

I want him to see me
I want him to stay
But if he says he wants me
I will push him away

Heather got out her brush and her straightening iron. She wanted to get it as straight as possible because she missed her long hair. It was barely past her shoulders now, so it was getting back to the way it was before. But it still wasn't good enough. When she had long hair, she had popularity. And popularity was good. That meant she had friends. Even if they were all fake.

She wanted nothing more than to look attractive for the guy she was going out with. She hoped and prayed he didn't watch Total Drama. That show ruined her chances with any guy when she was in high school. And the only guy that ever showed interest in her...well, she pushed him away. Literally.

Heather often thought if Alejandro was really being sincere. A part of her wanted to believe it, but another part told her that he was only using her. There's no way he could've actually been in love with you, she told herself. You've turned yourself into the coldest person alive. You couldn't give him anything. He'd leave you in a heartbeat. She finished with her hair.

I skip my dinner
I paint my face

Heather decided not to eat dinner. The more she ate, the more bloated and fat she'd look. And she definitely didn't want that. Instead, she spent her time applying loads of makeup to her face. Almost until she looked like a different person. She wanted to look different. She wanted to look like anyone but herself.

He picks me up
we stay up late

Her date arrived soon and picked her up in his red convertible. Heather smiled as she got in. "Hi Connor."

"Hey Heather. You look sexy."

"I know. Thanks," she feigned confidence.

"I love that you're so sure of yourself," he gave her one of the sweetest smiles he could muster. The thing was, Heather knew he didn't mean anything he said about her personality. She could see through those kind of men so easily. Minus one.

Connor drove them out to a field under the stars. "You want some booze?" He smirked, reaching his arm over and opening the glove compartment, were at least five cans of beer were stacked up.

"Yeah," Heather smiled. They popped open their cans.

Sooner than she knew it, they were both really tipsy. Connor spent no time moving on top of her and slid his tongue down her throat. Heather moaned loudly, the alcohol relaxing her body. He reclined the seat and quickly slid his shirt off before unbuckling his belt.

The smell of alcohol and body sweat was all Heather knew for the next hour.

I close the door
I've lost my way
So I drown myself in pain

Heather got home at 2:00 in the morning. Everyone in the house was asleep by then. She rubbed her forehead, groaning. She went up to her room and slid down against her door. What have I done? What is wrong with you?! You literally just met this guy the other day and you let him bone you?! "Ugh!!" She pulled at her hair angrily.

The food, the clothes, the boys, my drugs
I push it down, I lock it up
So many ways to waste my time
I use it all to dry up the flood
It's only 'cos I wanna feel loved
I feel so unloved

She already knew they were never going to have a real relationship. And she knew what he wanted the moment he picked her up. Yet, she still did it. It felt so good at the moment. It made her forget everything. All the constant hate she got from being on the show. Her parents neglect. Alejandro...

When she was hooking up with Connor, she could focus on one feeling and one feeling only. Whenever the high faded, she felt way too many feelings. It was overwhelming. She so desperately craved to have control over her own life.

I search for a high
a way to get by
They'll judge no matter what
so I don't really mind

The next morning, Heather grabbed her antidepressant pills and started chopping them into pieces. One of her sisters came downstairs for breakfast.

"...What are you doing?" She gave her a weird look.

"Taking a lot at once."

"I don't think it works that way. You could probably kill yourself, dummy."

Her mother came down. "What's going on?"

"Heather's being a weirdo. Her pills look like cocaine now."

"Heather!" She snapped. "Are you stupid?! How many pills did you chop up?!"

"Like five, relax."

"Oh no," she shook her head. "You're not taking these. You're obviously not responsible enough to follow your schedule!"

"Mom, I'm an adult! I can do what I want!" She snapped.

"I fear for society because of you, Heather. When you get out there, no one's gonna know what the hell to do with you!"

I'm never enough
so I act like I'm tough
But on the inside
I just wanna cry

She scoffed, swallowing her tears. "Shut up, mom! You don't know anything!"

"I know a lot more than you! And considering the way you act, you don't know anything! You never listen to anyone because you always think you're right and no one else compares to you!"

"That's because they don't! They're all losers!"

She narrowed her eyes at her. "Why are you so mean? You always have such a nasty attitude! I can't wait until you move out because I at tired of dealing with you!"

"Well...I'm tired of this stupid house anyways! And this stupid family!" Heather clenched her jaw as she felt tears burn in her eyes.

"The family was doing just fine until you came along!"

"UGH!!" She stormed home to her room, slamming her door. That was how most fights with her mother ended. No apology, no love or affection. It was like an endless cycle of hate.

I weigh myself
I stuff my face
I'm half alive
I'm so ashamed

Heather weighed herself in the bathroom. The scale read 110. I've gained five pounds. She quickly stepped off, hyperventilating. I need to lose this. Immediately.

She grabbed a bunch of snacks from the kitchen cabinet and started binge eating. She immediately purged after, throwing up all the food she ate. Every time she did this, she felt so bad. What if her parents or siblings were to find out? They'd think I was some kind of freak. I'll never do it again. Except that's what she said the past ten times before.

I kiss him once
I feel nothing
So I do it all again

Heather was on another date in less than a week. The guy seemed sweeter and less intense than Connor, but she still felt nothing when they kissed. It just didn't feel right. And it made her feel even worse than before. What if I never find the one? What if I'm just unlovable? She still needed to feel something that night to distract her.

"Do you wanna hook up?" She asked him.

The food, the clothes, the boys, my drugs
I push it down, I lock it up
So many ways to waste my time
I use it all to dry up the flood
It's only 'cos I wanna feel loved
I feel so unloved

Once again, Heather got home late. She could just hear her mother's voice. 'You've hooked you with two boys in less than a week?! You're acting like such a slut, Heather!' She flinched as if she were really talking to her. Her thoughts were so loud, they were giving her a headache. She ran upstairs and crashed in her bed, far too tired to get dressed.

They judge me like
we're not the same
At least I know
I'm in this game

Social media wasn't safe for Heather either. Anytime she posted a picture of herself, there would always be someone ridiculing her. Calling her out on things she was already so insecure about. She was reading through hate comments on her laptop on one of her Facebook posts.

They would also bring up her past mistakes on the show. It wasn't like she didn't know what she did. And she did feel bad about most of them. But she wasn't to the point where she could admit it yet. She was terrified of being vulnerable. If they treated her like this now...how would they react if she started being more sincere? Would they believe her? And it wasn't like some of these people were any different from her.

We run, we hide, we feel, we cry
You can't deny, you feel the pain
Distractions won't take it away

They've all felt the same pain as her at some point in their lives. They just cope with it differently. Heather knew it was no excuse for the way she treated others, but it was so hard to break that habit. Almost impossible. And no matter what she did to distract herself, her problems never went away.

The food, the clothes, the boys, my drugs
I push it down, I lock it up
So many ways to waste my time
I use it all to dry up the flood
It's only 'cos I wanna feel loved
Yeah, I feel so unloved

She shut off her laptop and sobbed into her pillow. I just want to be happy. I'm done living like this. Why won't it go away?! "Just go away!!" She cried out.

I just want to start over.

I want to be someone else.

"I hate myself."