Eve

I was sitting at the dressing table. I had on an evening dress made from sheer chocolate brown nylon fabric with a rust silk underneath. It had a v-neckline front and back. It was pleated with a Cumberland waistband. I had my make up and jewelry on. I was putting the last few bobby pins in my hair when Jeff walked into the room.

"There you are." I said. "Were you talking with Charlie the whole time?"

"We talked for a while then Jeff and Charlotte came into the living room and told us the news." Jeff walked over and stood behind me, he looked at me in the mirror. He leaned down and kissed me. "You look so beautiful." He ran his hand over my neck.

"It's not easy to put these bobby pins in with you doing that," I said. I felt his hand on my back and then he slowly unzipped my dress.

"We have to leave soon," I said.

He leaned down and kissed my neck, "we have time." I felt myself growing warm. "Come over here" he whispered. As I stood up he helped me out of my dress. He placed it on the chair next to us. He was careful not to wrinkle it.

"Look how pretty you are." He said. He kissed my neck and I turned my head to the side, closed my eyes. I felt his lips on mine. We moved to the bed. I unbuttoned his shirt.

"I was all ready to go out," I said quietly.

"I know, but I wanted you."

"Jeff," I said, "we can make love however. You want to" He kept his eyes on mine. I felt nervous. I always did when we were intimate. It was part of the seduction. "I want to make you happy so you don't feel like you have to—"

"So I don't have to what?" he examined me.

"I want to make you happy."

"You do."

"I'm not so delicate. You don't have to worry about hurting me."

He kissed me again. He ran his finger over my lips. "I do have to worry about hurting you. I do worry about it."

I closed my eyes and we made love. It was how it had always been with the exception of the other night. He was tender and loving. It was true, I would have felt hurt any other way.

"We have to get ready to go." I said afterwards.

He kept his eyes on me. "Eve. I want you to wear your wedding ring." His tone was serious.

"OK." I said.

"I want you to start wearing it again tonight."

I nodded. "OK."

After Jeff dressed and went downstairs, I stayed up in the bedroom and restyled my hair. I opened the jewelry box on my dresser and looked at all the beautiful pieces of jewelry Jeff had given me over the years. I treasured them. There were strands of pearls, a sapphire and diamond necklace. He'd give me a number of bracelets. They were all beautiful and I was proud of them. I opened the small drawer on the bottom of the box and removed my engagement and wedding ring. They were breathtaking. It had been such a long time since I'd worn them. I held them in my palm and stared down at them. I hadn't put them on since the day he left me to move in with Anna. That was almost twenty years ago. That didn't seem right. I tried to calculate it in my mind. Jeffery was six when we separated, he was now twenty -four. So it had been that long, eighteen years. In that time I'd become superstitious about the ring. It was as though the lovely two-karat diamond solitaire and platinum band were cursed. It scared me. It reminded me of living out in the country, on the enormous property. It reminded me of Jeff's violence. I was afraid if I put them back on, it would all flood back into my life. As if burying the rings kept the problems in our marriage submerged. I didn't think I had the strength to go through it all again. I knew I was being foolish. I put the rings on my finger. I felt my heart leap with the possibilities. I turned and saw Jeffery walking in through my bedroom door.

"Darling. I didn't hear you knock."

"I'm sorry." He said. "Should I leave?"

"No. Come in. Is something wrong?"

He sat on the side of the bed and I sat on the chair next to the bed. "You look pretty mom."

I smiled at him. "Thank you sweetheart. Is everything all right with Charlotte?" He nodded. "She's so happy."

It made me feel so joyful to hear him say it. It made me happy to see him in love. "Well, why did you come in to talk to me?"

He shrugged his shoulders. His brown eyes were serious. He was such a handsome young man. And so kind. I loved him dearly. His loyalty towards me never waned.

I stared at him for a long moment. "What's happened?" I asked. Him.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not. Not on Christmas. I just—I feel so bad, mom."

I looked down at my ring. I felt my heart sink. I was afraid to look back up at my son.

"Maybe you shouldn't." I whispered. He didn't respond so I looked up at him. "Maybe you shouldn't tell me."

He nodded.

"Or maybe you should?" I said. I could feel myself dissolve. "Is it about dad? Did daddy do something?"

"I can tell you another time. I just don't want you to feel like a fool."

Of course when he said that I knew exactly what he was going to say. He must have thought that Jeff was still cheating on me. He couldn't have known that we'd come to an agreement in our marriage. I loved my son for wanting to protect me. "Sweetheart, your dad and I are working things out. I know the things he's done."

Jeffery nodded. "Ok. I guess I figured that. When I saw the Christmas present for someone else, I thought I should tell you. But if you know and you've talked about it with dad I feel better."

"A Christmas present?" I could feel myself assuming the 'in control' serious tone that was always the precursor to something bad. "No I didn't know about that."

"It was in his studio. I recognized the box from his Grandmother's jewelry collection. It was a box with diamond earrings. It had been great grandma's. I thought it was for you, but there was a card and it said Elaine."

"You'd seen the same earrings this morning when you went to the post office? And then where did you see them and the card?"

"At the studio today. I guess he took them back with him from the post office."

"Oh." I nodded. I could feel my lip trembling. "Ok, sweetheart. I don't want you to worry about it. I want you to enjoy your time with Charlotte. You just got engaged. This is your time." I was slipping the rings off as we finished our conversation. I stood up. "Thank you for telling me. Don't worry yourself. All right? You know daddy and I have a crazy marriage."

He stood up and stood in front of me for a moment. "Why didn't you marry Matt?" He asked. I turned away for a moment and felt myself starting to cry.

"Why would you ask me that Jeffery?"

"Dad's cruel to you. Matt loved you. He would never have--I don't understand. You could have had a completely different life."

"Darling. Please. You're starting to upset me. I have the life I chose. This is the life I wanted."

"It is?"

I stared at him, I knew my eyes were filling with tears. I watched his expression change. I knew he was still a little boy inside. I knew that like his older brother, he felt bad that he could never protect me. I'm sure he felt torn because I'd needed protection from his father and every boy loves his father.

"You have a whole life ahead of you with Charlotte. You'll make the right choices. My life wasn't like yours. That's all. By the time I was your age your father and I had already lived many lives together."

"That's what dad said."

I nodded. "Please leave this be."

"I'm sorry." He whispered. Then he left.

I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. There was no way I could endure the night at his father's place. His family was so unkind to me and this news made me feel so torn apart and humiliated. I imagined him giving heirloom earrings to some young student, or...or I didn't know who she was. I didn't want to open his Christmas present for me. I knew it would be nothing compared to what he'd given her. And, Jeffery's words had made me feel even worse. I didn't fully understand why he couldn't have kept the information to himself or why he'd chosen Christmas Eve to deliver it. I applied lipstick. I kept the rings in my hand and picked up my purse.

When I got downstairs everyone was waiting. The whole family was dressed up for the holiday. Charlotte looked beautiful and Peg and Clara were admiring everything about her. Her ring, her outfit. It made me smile despite my searing pain and anger towards Jeff. Why was it that our family could look enviable from the outside? Charlie and Jeffery looked handsome. Charlie met me at the stairs and took my hand. "You're always so pretty mom." I kissed his cheek. I saw Jeff watching us from where he was standing near the entryway. His eyes were full of adoration for me. I didn't like my cold fury. I didn't like how it kept me in an alternate experience. Seeming to be the same as always, but all my senses heightened. I walked over to Jeff and he kissed me on the cheek. I had the rings. I took his hand in mine. "Here," I whispered. He opened his hand and I placed the rings in his palm. I closed my hand around his. I leaned close to his ear and whispered . "Give these to Elaine." Then I kissed him on the lips.

I moved away and Frankie ran over and put his arms around my legs. "Hold me Grandma!"

Peggy tried to scold him, but I said, "It's all right, Peggy." I picked Frankie up and held him in my arms. I kissed his cheek. "Did you miss grandma? Look at how handsome you are!" I kissed his other cheek. I carried Frankie over to Charlie. "Darling. He is just like you were when you were a baby. He looks just like you." I put my face close to my little grandson's "I love you to death my little boy." He held up a toy car to show me. "Oh let me see sweetheart. Oh that is really something."

Charlie kissed my cheek. "He loves you mom." I liked being with Charlie at a moment like that. Charlie was one hundred percent my ally. He had nothing but contempt for Jeff. I knew it. Jeff knew it. I saw Charlie motion for Peg that it was time to go.

Jeff had hired a driver to take Jeffery, Charlotte and Clara. Charlie and Peg would take their rental car. That left Jeff and me to ride together in his car.

Jeff was standing next to me. "It's time to go Eve."

"Why don't we just ride with Charlie and Peg?" I asked maintaining an easy going composure.

He shook his head, "No" and he didn't say anything else to me.

"It's all right dad. There's room." Charlie offered.

"No. It's all taken care of son." I could read Jeff's tone. Definitive.

"All right." Charlie said half rolling his eyes. He turned to his wife, "Peggy. Why don't you put Frankie's mittens and hat on him before we go out into the cold?"

Once everyone else had pulled out of the driveway it left Jeff and me. We were standing outside of his car and he looked at me for a long moment. "Why would you say that about your wedding rings to me, Eve?"

I reached for the door handle to open it. "I don't' want to stand out in the cold."

"I'll get the door for you." He opened the door and I got into the car.

He started the car and I stared out the window. I saw a faint reflection of myself in the glass. Once we were on the road I felt his hand on mine. I didn't move it away. I felt frozen. What a thing for Jeffery to have to deal with. What a thing for Jeff to do to me.

"I'm sorry Eve."

I bit my lip. I felt like I was going to start crying. I didn't have anything to say.

"I know you're angry."

"No I'm not." I whispered.

"Won't you look at me?" I turned and looked at him. I must have looked like a hurt child. His expression was tender. "Don't be upset, Eve."

I looked at him. "Why would you give her something like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like what? Your grandmother's earrings. Those were ours. They belonged to our family. How could you?"

He shook his head slowly. "I don't know."

"What am I going to think tomorrow when I open your present to me? When I see that you've gotten me something less meaningful? How could you?"

"I don't know."

"You said you wouldn't."

"I know."

"Are you in love with her?"

"No."

He held out my wedding rings. "I want you to wear them Eve. We'll figure the rest of it out."

"You're Goddamned crazy. How far do you think you can go? I pushed his hand away. "Throw them out the Goddamned window. I'll never wear them again."

"Jesus Eve. What a thing to say."

I stared at him. "If I left you would you take up with her?"

He looked at me for a long moment. I felt intimidated by him. He turned back to the road. "Are you leaving me Eve?" His tone was stern.

"Would you?"

"I don't know what I would do."

"Is this a condition of our marriage?"

"No."

"Are you in love with her?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"She's a muse."

I felt like he'd stabbed me. I let out a sharp breath. I held my hands together tightly. "I thought I was." I whispered. I turned to him. "You weren't inspired the whole time we were divorced. For eight years you hardly picked up a paintbrush."

"Eve stop." He said. He was so cold.

"I am going to leave you." I said softly and looked out the window.

"No you're not. I'll stop with this girl. You inspire me. I don't know why I said that. I can't do anything without you, that's true."

"I'm leaving you. We're getting through this holiday. If you want me to be the one to move, then so be it." I shook my head. I wanted to slap him in the face. "You know Jeffery told me tonight he thought I should have married Matt. That you're cruel to me."

"Good for him, Eve. You've turned all my children against me. Good for him. It's no surprise."

"You're so Goddamned selfish. I turned them against you? Do you think maybe it's what they witnessed as children? Do you think your children liked seeing their mother mistreated? And as far as being a father. You weren't there at all. Ever. Why wouldn't they be loyal to me?"

"Why wouldn't they Eve? You're a saint. I'm a bastard." He pulled into his father's circular drive. Just looking at the opulent house—more a mansion—made me sick. All of them made me sick.

"That's exactly right. You are a bastard." I looked him in the eyes. "and I hate your Goddamned guts." I said.

"Is that so?"

"I hate you. You make me sick."

Jeff led me into the house. He had his hand on my lower back As soon as we crossed the threshold he was one of them. Really, I knew he was one of them all the time. I realized that he was only pretending when we were leading our domestic lives. It was all a farce.

We entered the grand foyer; everything lit up with an abundance of Christmas decorations. To me it looked like a fancy department store. I imagined that as children Jeff and his sister Julia were shuttered off somewhere during the tree decorating. Having children participating in the ritual would have only given it that home made Charlie Brown look that would have ruined the Lambert wealthy aesthetic.

A maid took our coats. I felt frozen. I felt so ashamed and unhappy. Jeff's father Neil was in front of us. He and Jeff were talking like old chums. Jeff lit a cigarette.

"Did you hear me, Eve?" Neil asked. Jeff turned to me.

"No. I'm sorry. I didn't." I said.

"Getting to that age are you?" He teased.

"No Neil I'm not getting to that age. Jeff and I just had a fight in the car. I was thinking about that. What is it?" There was no longer any need to hide my contempt for them all.

"Eve, stop it." Jeff sounded like he was reprimanding me.

I turned my head and met his gaze. I held it until he and his father walked away, resuming their pretentious banter.

I glanced over to the large parlor. I saw Jeffery and Charlotte talking with Jeff's sister, Julia. I could see right off that Julia would take to Charlotte. Partly because she'd always considered Jeffery and Clara to be one of her own ilk. Charlie was from me and he was considered by her to be from a different bloodline. I also knew Julia would use the appearance of accepting Charlotte to hurt me. A part of me envied Charlotte in so many ways. Just looking at her from across the room. She had such a lovely manner about her. She was wearing a pleated, salmon colored dress. Her long hair was put up in a soft style. She was also subtly sophisticated. But, I thought more than anything she retained innocence. Something I'd already lost by the time I was her age. I lost all of that when Jeff came into my life.

I felt like a complete imposter. A woman approached me with a tray of drinks. I had been trying to cut down on drinking—successfully for several years. Nonetheless, I took a tall crystal glass filled with champagne. I smiled at the woman "thank you." I realized I was still in the foyer. I realized I couldn't do it. None of it. I wanted to go home. I thought of going out to the car but I would have to get the attention of the valet and it would be far too cold to wait outside. It was too complicated. I walked towards the back of the house, towards the kitchen where there would be no party guests. I found an empty, dark sitting room. It was off their second dining room; the one meant for summer entertaining. It was cold but not freezing. I sat down on a small wicker love seat. There were floor to ceiling French doors on one side of the room. In the darkened room I could see the snow under the moonlight. It looked pale, blue and gray. Their property went on for quit a ways. The expanse of snowy fields and small rolling hills felt apropos for Christmas. I tried to remember a happy Christmas from my own childhood. My mother had been sick for so long. I was sure there were some happy ones, but I couldn't remember any. The holidays with my own children were happy ones. I realized that after my divorce Matt had spent most of the holidays with us too; I missed being celebrating them with him. I felt a paing of remorse over what Jeffery had said. Matt was kind and always there for me. We were still friends. I still saw him often, in fact. But, I knew what Jeffery had meant. Really what Matt had asked me when he proposed was to keep walking on that predictable, safe path. I wish I had. I wouldn't have been sitting in a room in the dark on Christmas Eve. Matt would never have slept with another woman and given her a nicer gift than the one he'd gotten for me. I let out a breath. I honestly didn't even care so much about Jeff's affairs. Maybe I did. I was old. My time had passed and I'd wasted it. When I was young, I'd had as much potential as Charlotte. At one time, I was innocent and beautiful too. I retrieved a cigarette from my purse and lit it. I bit my lip and felt paralyzed. My marriage was a carousel. Round and round. Up and down. I started to cry. I couldn't stop. It didn't matter. I knew no one would come look for me.

I sat for a long time—over two hours. Thinking and smoking. Occasionally a servant passed by the hallway with an empty tray and then back again with a full one. Around 8:00 I decided to look for Charlie and ask him to take me back with them. I knew he needed to leaver early to put the children to bed. I stood and straightened my dress and wiped under my eyes. I walked out into the party. I entered the grand parlor and glanced around for Charlie. I saw Jeff talking to two other men. He looked comfortable and in his element. He turned in my direction and when he saw me he kept his eyes fixed on me. I saw Charlie standing to one side of the room in front of a tall, stone fireplace. He was talking with Jeff's dad, Neil and I recognized Charlie's 'attorney demeanor' – powerful and cordial. He could command conversations even with Neil. Even with Jeff. He'd adopted this persona with Jeff's side of the family before he'd even finished law school. As I approached Charlie I noticed Peggy holding the baby and trying to herd in Frankie who was obviously getting tired and starting to misbehave.

I walked over to Peggy and sat down on the couch. I could see in my periphery that Jeff was walking across the room towards us.

Frankie immediately jumped into my lap. Peggy sat next to me. "Thank you Eve. He was trying to throw the ashtray in the fireplace."

"That would have gone over well here. I'm sure."

She smiled. "I know what you mean."

Jeff appeared in front of me. He sat down next to me. As soon as he did Frankie climbed over to him and put his arms around Jeff's neck and kissed him "grandpa." He said. Jeff settled the boy in his lap and Frankie leaned into Jeff and sat quietly, his eyelids growing heavy. Jeff kissed him on the forehead. At that Frankie's eyes popped open and he stared at Jeff for a long moment. Jeff started to laugh. Frankie smiled then nestled back against Jeff and looked sleepy again. A moment later Julia sat across from us on a large leather club chair. She was drinking a martini, likely her tenth.

"Eve. Where have you been?"

"I was in a back room crying." I said flatly.

"Eve. Stop it." Jeff said.

"I'm sure it's a joke," Julia said, "but it's also ironic."

"Why is that Julia?"

She took a deep breath and when she did her nostrils formed two slits. "I don't know Eve. The way I see if, it must be hard for you at events like this. You didn't come from a family like ours or attended these sorts of parties. I imagine it's hard for you. For that you have my sympathy." She held up her drink in the gesture of a toast.

Frankie climbed back on me and stood next to me. I kept my arm around him. He reached for my earring. I held his hand so he couldn't pull it.

Jeff spoke up. "Julia, lay off Eve. Would you? You've been a bitch to her for 20 years. Just leave her alone."

I turned to Jeff, "that's awfully hypocritical of you to say." I realized that Peggy had heard everything and had gone over to Charlie to apprise him of the situation. He was standing next to the couch when I looked up.

"OK Frankie. Time to go." He said. Peggy leaned over and picked him up. "Mom you look tired. You want to ride back with us?"

"Yes, darling. I think that's a good idea."

Jeff put his hand on mine. He looked compassionate. "Why don't you stay a little longer, Eve?"

I leaned close to him and whispered in his ear. "Because I hate your fucking guts." I pulled away and in a saccharine conciliatory tone I said so everyone could hear, "Jeff. You understand, don't you darling?" he looked furious and stood up and stormed off. I stood and didn't acknowledge Julia as I left with Charlie and his family.

When we got back to the house I went straight to bed. I was in a suspended place as I lay awake staring at the shadows on the ceiling. At some point the shadows changed as headlights approached the house. I closed my eyes. I hoped it was the kids being dropped off by the driver Jeff had hired. Instead I recognized the thud of Jeff's alfa romeo's car door closing. I pretended to be asleep. I was hoping he would sleep on the couch in the den. A few minutes later I heard him enter our bedroom. My eyes still closed I recognized the sound of him removing his watch and cuff links and placing them in the wooden tray on the dresser. The bed jostled as he sat down and removed his shoes. I felt a heavy movement as he got into bed. My mind tracked each of his movements by the sound. Why hadn't he changed into his pajamas?
He lay down next to me, "Eve?" I felt his body close to mine. I didn't move or say anything. I felt his hand on my neck softly touching me. "Eve wake up."

"Please don't touch me." I whispered.

I felt his hands move my hair to one side as he kissed my neck. He put his arm around me with the covers over me.

"Stop." I said. I rolled on to my back. "Don't touch me."

"I want you. I want to know you don't hate me."

"But I do hate you." I was matter of fact.

His eyes turned dark. I recognized the combination of anger and power. He leaned down and kissed me. He pulled the blankets down and put his hand on my stomach and then my breasts. He started to move on top of me.

"Go do this with your mistress." I said trying to push him away.

"I want my wife." He reached down and tried to pull up my nightgown.

"Jeff." I said calmly. I stared up at him until he looked at me. I held his gaze. "If you force me—there will be nothing left between us." I felt his body relax. He moved off of me.

I sat up and leaned against the headboard. I was so angry. I stared at him for a long moment. "I want you to call her and tell her its over." I said. I reached over to the side table and removed a cigarette and lit it.

"All right." He let out a breath.

"Right now."

He sat up and looked at me, "Right now? At 11:00 on Christmas Eve?"

I nodded. "I want you to dial the number and I'll ask for her to make sure you dialed the right number."

"Eve—" he started to say something else but then stopped. You don't want me to do that Eve."

"Yes I do."

He let out a breath. "Eve, would you hand me the cigarettes?." I gave him the pack. He removed one and lit it. He inhaled a deep drag. "I'm not going to." He said as he blew out the smoke.

"Why not?" I kept my eyes on him. I didn't know what I wanted. I was so crazy.

"It's Christmas Eve."

I rolled my eyes. "It's my Christmas Eve too, but you didn't care about that. In fact, you didn't give a shit about my Christmas at all."

He kept his eyes on me. "I'm not going to Eve. It's a ridiculous request. It's mean spirited. It's masochistic of you."

"Is it?" I put out my cigarette.

"Eve. I'm sorry. I will call her, just not now. I will end it."

I looked around the room then back at him. "I'll make love to you if you do it now."

He raised his eyebrows. I didn't know if I would or wouldn't really make love to him. I wanted to see if he cared more for me. If he could hurt this girl just to make love to me. It was very unkind, even for a wife to do to her husband's mistress. I didn't realize that until later. In that moment I was crazy with hurt and jealousy.

"OK," he said.

I felt my mouth grow dry. My heart was racing. I looked at him. "You dial the number. I'll ask for her. Then, you'll speak to her?"

He let out a deep breath. "I don't want to." He said. "Not because of her. I don't want you to hear me talk to another woman. It will hurt your feelings. I'm not going to do it Eve."

"That's nice of you to consider my feelings. It speaks to your nature as a husband. I'm going to sleep." I rolled over on my side. I pulled the covers up.

"Eve?"

"What is it?" I deliberately sounded uninterested.

"I don't understand."

I didn't say anything. I started to feel sleepy; I'd accepted his decision. Then, I felt him beside me again. "I'll go through with it. If you tell me you'll still love me." I turned and faced him. He was such a child.

"You don't love me." I whispered. "And you don't respect me. I'm going to leave you whether you call her or not. If you want to make love to me one more time before I do, then make the call. You know it will make it all the more exciting between the two of you."

"You're a bitch Eve."

"All right. Then let me get some sleep. No. I don't love you."

"All right."

I didn't say anything.

"All right. I'll call her."

We both got out of bed and walked over to the phone. We had a phone in the sitting area on a table next to two chairs. He picked up the receiver and dialed. He handed it to me. My heart was racing. After four rings there was a young female voice I felt my heart stop.

"Is this Elaine?" I asked.

"Yes it is. Who's calling?"

"This is Mrs. Lambert. I'm Jeff Lambert's wife."

I looked at Jeff he was staring down at his hands.

I heard her let out a breath and her voice crack. "Mrs. Lambert." I could tell she was crying.

"You don't have to cry yet," I said. "Mr. Lambert—Jeff—has something he wants to say to you."

"Elaine," he said into the phone. His face softened. I studied him in those moments that he was talking to her. He had a gentleness about him. It was searing to witness him talking to this woman.

"I don't' want to see you any more." He said. "I love my wife."

His voice turned tender, "I know it is. I'm sorry." I recognized a consolatory tone. "I have to go." He listened for a moment. He handed the phone back to me.

"Why are you giving me the phone?"

"She wants to talk to you."

'Are you Goddamned crazy?" I hung up the phone. I glared at him for a moment. "That was disgusting." I said to him. He kept his eyes on me. His blue eyes reflected the dim light of the bedroom and he looked unfamiliar at that moment.

"Was it, Eve? Was it what you wanted?"

"Are you glaring at me? I didn't have a Goddamned gun to your head. If you feel so bad for her, and you want to comfort her then go. It's over with us any way."

"No Eve. That's not what I want."

"You're just going to get back with her the first chance you get to talk with her alone."

"No I'm not." His eyes stayed fixed on me.

"it's disgusting." I said again.

"I want you Eve. I always want you."

"Not always." I corrected. I stood to walk over to the bed. He took my arm.

"What are you doing?" I whispered.

He stood up and led me over to the bed. "Take off your clothes." He said.

"I'm not going to say I love you."

He shrugged his shoulders. He didn't look very loving. I removed my nightgown. I stood naked. "I don't love you anymore." I whispered.

"I know. You said that. Lay down o the bed."

I felt my heart racing. I felt a perverse satisfaction in having done this to this woman. While I knew that Jeff was winning both ways, I felt I had won too. She was home crying and he was telling me how much he wanted me. I lay down on the bed. He removed his clothes and then moved on top of me.

"I'm leaving you," I said.

He had the same angry look he had a few nights before.

"Don't you care that you hurt your girlfriend's feelings?" I asked.

"If you don't love me and you're leaving me, don't ask me any more questions."

"Why do you hate me so much?" I asked. He didn't answer. Instead he turned over and sat back against the headboard. He moved me on top of him and pulled me closer to him while we made love. He touched my body and kissed my neck. He whispered over and over "I love you." I touched his cheek and stared into his eyes. I kissed him.

After we made love I felt sick all over. He acted like nothing had transpired. I moved to the other side of the bed.

"Are you all right Eve?" he asked.

"Yes. Go to sleep."

After he'd fallen asleep, I got out of bed. I was feeling very nauseous. The thought of the girl on the other end of the phone was making me ill. Partly for having heard her voice, but that was the smallest part of it. I felt bad that he so callously rejected her on Christmas Eve. It shouldn't matter to me; she was sleeping with my husband. I put on my robe and tip toed out of the room and down the hallway. I saw that the light was on in Jeffery's old room. I stood for a moment. I could hear he and Charlotte talking in hushed whispers. It sounded sweet. I could tell that they didn't run out of things to say to one another. She was wonderful.

I walked further and noticed Clara's light was on. I swallowed hard. I missed her so much. I wanted to reconcile. We had been so close for so many years. Then when she was 18 she decided I was the reason her mother had died. She decided I was completely at fault for my affair with Jeff when I was young. She didn't hold her father accountable at all. I had raised her. I was the one who'd loved her all those years and her distance and contempt cut through me. Her door was slightly ajar. I peered in. She was writing in her journal. She looked up. "Mom." She said it with out affect.

"Can I come in?" I asked.

She nodded.

I walked in and sat on the chair next to the bed. How many nights had we both been sitting in just that way, either her crying over a crush or sick with the flu. How many times when she was even younger than that had I sat in the bed with her reading her favorite books? I examined her. Her auburn hair in waves down her back. Her beautiful blue eyes.

"How are you darling?" I asked.

"I'm good." She didn't offer any more.

"I thought you were bringing a friend with you." I said. I traced the fabric of the chair.

"My girlfriend." She said. She kept her eyes on me. She was twenty-five but she seemed to have gotten stuck in adolescence. She rarely acted her age.

I took a breath in and let it out. "Isn't that what I said?"

"No you said a friend. We're lovers."

It caught me off guard. I wasn't against homosexuality I just never thought of Clara that way. "That's all right." I said.

"Do you think I need your approval?"

"No." I said.

"Why did you come in here? Sympathy?"

"Why would I want your sympathy?"

"Jeffery told me about dad's new affair."

I let out a sharp breath. I bit the inside of my cheek and studied her. How much meaner could she get.

"As far as I'm concerned, you made your bed and now you have to lie in it."

"Is that right, Clara?" I asked, standing up. "I've never done anything but love you. This has been going on long enough. I can't keep trying with you. You keep breaking my heart."

"Jesus," She lit a cigarette. "You don't stop do you?"

I started walking out of the room. "Good night, Clara."

I walked down the stairs. I was going crazy. I'd never thought that before. Maybe it was having my grown children and the stress and work. Likely it was Jeff's behavior and my bizarre reaction to it. It was as if the thread attaching me to normal was so frayed that I knew it was about to snap. My nausea returned. I rushed into the bathroom off the den and threw up in the toilet. I took several deep breaths. I splashed water on my face. I took a dab of toothpaste and water and rinsed my mouth. There was a liquor cabinet in the den and I poured myself a glass of scotch and sat down on the couch. I lit a cigarette and turned the light off. I wanted the holiday to be over. I wanted to get back to teaching, return to school and have something in my life that gave me a sense of control. I would see my friends as I regularly did when I was working. I would see Joan. I would see Matt. They understood the real me and I always had a place with them. I wasn't the pathetic outcast that I was in my own family. I didn't know what to do about Jeff. I reached and pulled down the knitted blanket hanging over the back of the couch. I snuffed out my cigarette and covered myself. I took another sip of scotch and cried. I kept myself quiet so no one would hear me. I didn't want Charlie or Peg who were staying down the hall to hear me. I looked up and saw Jeff standing in the doorway.

He walked in and sat down next to me on the couch. "What's the matter, Eve?"

"I'm all right. Go back to bed."

He kissed me on the cheek, touched my face, "I'm sorry."

"You told me you would stop. You promised me this morning for Christ sake!"

"Shhh. Eve. Let's just get through Christmas. You're not leaving me. We'll talk after the kids go back."

He stroked my cheek. "You're beautiful," he whispered and kissed my lips. "You're so beautiful. I'm sorry."

I took a sip of my scotch. I held the glass out for him. He took it from me and drank some. I turned to him. "I shouldn't have asked you to call her. It was out of anger. All of it was. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"It's all right." He whispered. "I was going to end things, just like I told you I would."

"Jesus, at least stop lying." I said. I shook my head. "You just gave her a family heirloom."

"I'm not. I'm not lying to you."

I let out a breath. I took the glass back and held it to my lips. I brought it back down. "Jeff." I said. I looked at him. "I think I'm going crazy. Honestly, I'm losing my mind."