Author's note: This is my version of the famous ancient story which Apuleius rewrote in The Golden Ass - referring to the animal, not the body part - as well.
*****

"Please, don't! I'm a human!"

I thought I must have misheard at first. But I had had a good night's sleep last night, so I certainly hadn't been working too much.

"Please, help me if you can!"

Okay, I definitely wasn't hallucinating. The little silky guinea pig was talking to me in a high-pitched voice.

It wasn't the first time something like this had happened. You wouldn't believe half the stories these animals can tell you if you're able to understand them. They are usually scolding me because they don't like it when I'm inspecting their teeth or private parts. Especially cats can be pretty bitchy. They are usually smart enough to turn into wailing drama queens if a vet is examining them. One rabbit, who had been brought in earlier today because he had been suffering from indigestion, had practically begged me to let him live with me: "It shouldn't really come as a surprise that I have trouble down there, considering all the things my owners have been feeding me!"

"Okay, Snowball, I'm all ears," I said to him after I had sent his worried owner and my assistants out of the room.

"Please, don't call me that! My name is Lucius Mayfield, Dr. Green," the animal stated with a resolute toss of his long, multi-coloured mane.

"And I'm supposed to believe that you're really a man who has been turned into a guinea pig?" I have been fed many stilly stories by men I used to date, but this one was a first and he wasn't even a man.

"Well, that ugly witch wanted to transform me into a pig and eat me, but I guess she wasn't that good a witch, and something went wrong. So she turned me into a guinea pig instead and I was able to escape." He seemed quite desperate, which I would consider only natural if the story he had told me was true.

"What have you done to her... if I may ask?" Although I knew that my ability to understand animals was everything but normal, I wasn't ready to believe in witches, unicorns and fantastic beasts yet.

"Well, I dated Petronella, her daughter," Lucius replied. "I had no idea that her mother was dead set against her daughter even talking to men."

"But how can I help you? I mean, I'm not a witch."

"But you can get me a rose. I need to eat one to turn into a human being again."

"So that is why you jumped from the table today?" I realised, referring to his broken leg, which was the reason why he had been brought in to see me.

"Of course, there were a lot of roses close by! Who do you take me for? I'm not a stupid guinea pig!"