Aiden was fucked up. 

He couldn't call it anything else, just couldn't.

Ben asked him if he was okay and Aiden just told him to go to sleep. He sat on a floor, staring blankly at a wall for an hour, fidgeting with the rubber band Ashlyn once left in his room by an accident. 

His eyes stung from focusing on a wall for a long time, his back stiffened. But he didn't move. He wanted to sink underground, disappear somewhere below the floor. Stuck in a Matrix, backroom, somewhere between dimensions, so that no one would find him.

He couldn't believe he was so stupid and kissed her. 

Ashlyn.

Her name echoed in his head like mantra, it WAS his mantra. Because she was the most important thing in his life. Why couldn't he appreciate her friendship? Wasn't it enough?

The rough material of the eraser rubbed against his fingers. The air smelled with an old wood, making his head spin like a carousel.  It was cold and quiet.

Deadly.

Something tightened in his throat so suddenly that he lost his breath, making him bend over.

How could I risk losing her?

Loser. 

That's who I really am.

A freak who fell for the most beautiful and wonderful girl in the world. That was too obvious he wasn't enough for her - he never was and never will be. And he even thought she might like him back. Ashlyn. His best friend, who just started to trust him, opened up to him, got closer, let him into her personal space. He ruined it all.

And he didn't even plan on kissing her. He never wanted to do it, not like that, not against her. But she threw him off track, simply asking how much he liked her and then saying the moon is beautiful. Glancing at him with those stunning emerald eyes shining in the starlight. Smiling so pretty. Blushing.

She has no clue how bad she had messed with my head, does she?

And that telling someone the moon is beautiful means "I love you" in Japanese?

He was sure she liked him. So he followed his heart. And that look on her face when he kissed her... Shocked, almost disappointed.

Aiden blinked. He wanted to cry, but his eyes were dry and all his tears used off.  

Why...?

Why was his life such a... swamp?

Why did he ruin the only thing that gave him happiness? It was just as he always knew, he had been messing up everything he had. His family. His youth. His normality. His mental health. His first love.

And he told Ashlyn it was a challenge from Tyler. Because it was - however he never agreed to do it. He used it as an excuse, like a coward. 

But she said...

"What the fuck, Aiden."

That's what she said. 

With her gaze fixed on her sneakers. 

Voice low and fast. 

The words spat from her mouth like a tasteless mouthful. 

Shoulders tensing as she felt more and more uncomfortable.

Trying to understand why he crossed another line. 

Wishing it hadn't happened. 

A broken, instinctive laugh escaped Aiden's throat and he shuddered, not expecting it. This sudden sound rang hollow in his ears, he choked with it, leaning his head back on a wall. It sounded distant, muffled by thick curtains, as if it came from someone else. Like he was underwater. A fucked up teenager choking on desperate laughter. 

I couldn't even tell her I like her.

I'm so... 

Fucking... 

Pathetic. 

Aiden suddenly stood up, feeling his blood rushing in his veins. He had to do something , anything, just to get rid of this suffocating guilt. He yanked his phone out of his pocket, opened the notepad app and started typing quickly.

_____

Ashlyn

I've said that already but again I'm sorry. That was selfish about me. What i did. I didn't even care if I cross the line. thats the problem with me that I always do risky things for an adrenaline or challenges. And I know it's not an excuse at all, because I didn't kiss you because it was a challenge, but because I like you. You've been always trying to be friends with me as best as you could. I dont think I can. I'm too bad with relations and people, even my own emotions. Can't cope with my own life. gotta deal with it myself.

I guess Im just better not bother you anymore. I'm a burden, i know you thought so cuz I've always knew it myself. And I'm not trying to make you feel bad for me. I don't deserve it at all, either your friendship which I've ruined like nothing. 

And Im just sorry it had to be you. Well, it always was about you, since the beginning. not even because I wanted a friend. You looked like someone who is not easy to befriend with. That's it, I always turn everything into challenges. i see everything as a joke, cuz its easier. but stupid.

And it's stupid how i fell for you. i know right i shouldn't have. i thought its something nice to be in love, so I never tried to shut it. but it sucks. And don't be sorry for me cause you don't need another problem, so I'll just try my best to let you go. i've caused you enough problems. 

After all I've said Im sure it will be hard for you, but can you please don't hate me? That's everything I need. 

I'm sorry, Ash
_____

...stop. 

It's not right. 

It's wrong. 

Am I going to give this to her?

What is it, childish excuses? To make her feel bad for me? I know it would. She'd feel guilty. it would make her even more uncomfortable.

I can't sent it to Ashlyn.

I am fucking seventeen years old.

I am supposed to face her and confess I love her, no matter what.

But-

As much as he didn't want to lose her... He was too afraid to tell her the truth.

I don't want to lose her.

I can't.

I just can't.

All his muscles suddenly tensed and he shuddered, sulking in breath. His body violently convulsed and Aiden opened his eyes widely, struggling to catch a breath. Red blurs danced in front of his eyes, his brain screaming warnings, heart hammering.

An awfully similar feeling washed over him, burning his insides.

Fear.

He was afraid.

The feeling he hated, avoided. He had chosen not to feel it, believed it was possible.

But now it was the fear what crushed him like nothing. Pressed, shattered, tore apart. Destroyed. Chewing his sick brain, biting it, gnawing, masticating. Enjoying the way he crumbled under the pressure. Taking away his tears so that he suffered worse, convulsing quietly. Forcing him to be alive outside and dying inside, like a snake's victim. Sucking out his inside. Drilling a hole, leaving a void he tried to cover it with plasters and bandages not to make the fear come back and settle in, like in a den. 

Knowing Aiden was too weak. 

And fear kept creeping back, as if he knew his den was waiting for him. 

Fear was a living creature. 

No... not a creature. 

A living something. 

Something unsettled. 

WRONG.

Aiden curled on a floor, gasping as air rushed brutally into his lungs. He tightened his fingers on the fabric of his T-shirt, pressing his fist to his chest. 

Calm down. 

He just had to calm down. At night everything is darker, every shade deeper. 

But...

Then what to do? 

The genuinely simple thought, but no answer. So simple and complicated in the same time. Tell Ashlyn he liked her or not? One of those was going to win, another one to lose. Like a lottery. Make a right decisions, choose a right draw. Or you ruin everything. 

"It didn't happen", Ashlyn's words echoed through Aiden's head. He was so afraid he'll screw another thing.

He closed his eyes, 

I'm afraid. 

I am. 

Afraid. 

And the fear- the fear made him make the decision. 

I won't tell her... until she asks. 

If she doesn't, it'll mean she doesn't want to talk about and rather pretend nothing had changed. 

If she does, it'll means she wants to know the answer. 

He knew her well enough to know she doesn't talk about things she doesn't want to know about.

So the best thing I can do right now is... do what she asked for.

Nothing happened. 

It will be fair. 

Aiden felt dizzy and almost fell over when his legs gave out. He stumbled to his bed. 

He was tired, but couldn't have fall asleep for a second. So as the sun rose, he changed his clothes, packed quietly his stuff and drank the last monster. And then sat on a floor, waiting for others to wake up, playing with a rubber band Ashlyn once left in his room. 

________

officially hello ~ dear readers ~ during hiatus

This chapter was so difficult to write, so unexpectedly tiring overwhelming... Like damn, I was feeling like my chest was going to collapse from the tension. Or maybe it was because of season 2 ending?? I def need to listen to MSI rock and make over some clothes. 

But well, don't worry, I'll make this year less painful for y'all! I promise you'll have some yummy fluffy food during hiatus ^^

Now ~ two lovely girls must apologize to Aiden for planning on torturing him and making him suffer by:

1. kicking his ass and nuts

2. putting him in a race car instead of Tyler (including removing the door and making sure the car is fast and trees are sharp)

3. using gun for an unknown purpose

4. also dear pookies wanted to break the car ceiling and make sure it's 1000000 pounds and Aiden is on a pan so that they have pancakes.

You can say sorry here :) >>