Ten going eleven years old ako noong ginawa ko ang kagagahan kong 'yon kay Clark. It was just a kiss—kisses—and I was stupid to hope for something between us.

But then again, I was expecting Clark to return my feelings, but my expectations failed me big time.

He ghosted me. Ni wala man lang assurance na, "Bata ka pa, hindi pa tayo puwede. Paglaki mo na lang saka natin ituloy 'to." Basta umiwas na lang siya.

Isang araw, okay pa kami. he promised na hindi siya galit, then all of a sudden . . . he was . . . avoiding me. Ten years old, and you wondered why the guy you spent your childhood with avoided you without any valid reason. Though, I didn't see that kiss—those kisses—as a destructive path towards our separation kasi hindi naman abuse, hindi harmful, hindi deadly—you know? It was just a freaking kiss. And everything . . . everything messed up.

That was the reason why hindi ako umasa sa kanya kahit pa noong nakabalik na 'ko sa Pilipinas.

He broke my heart and he wasn't sorry for leaving me behind. At kung balikan man niya 'yon, uulitin pa raw niya ang ginawa niya. Hindi ko na paplastikin ang sarili ko na hindi ko dinamdam 'yon kahit malalaki na kami.

Even noong graduation ni Leo. Alam kong natatandaan niya 'ko. I could see that look in his eyes that he remembered me, but he said, "Hindi ko siya matandaan." Saka siya umiwas.

But he couldn't fake it that long. Well, he faked it longer than expected. I was thinking before na baka after a week, maging ka-close na ulit niya 'ko, but it took us half a decade to go back to where we were before. And it took me a literal decade to, at least, be civil with him.

One of those saddest moments in my life when the boy who once made me feel special became a stranger to me.

Madaling sabihin na nakalimutan niya 'ko, pero siya rin ang nagbibigay ng dahilan para maramdaman kong hindi. O siguro nahihirapan din siyang itago kasi may attempts ng paglapit pero parang takot siyang hawakan ako hindi gaya noon.

"Alam mo, Sab, maninigas ka lang sa lamig dito."

Nasa living room slash library niya 'ko kasi nga pinagtatawanan niya ang reaction ko sa inamin niya.

He's my first kiss kasi maharot akong bata. But it was a surprise that I'm his first kiss too. Although, that time, wala naman siyang girlfriend and focused siya sa studies. Pero hindi ko akalaing noong mga time na akala ko tulog siya, alam pala niya ang ginagawa ko. And he considered that his first.

Lalo kong niyakap ang bath towel na pangkumot ko sana saka umismid sa kanya. Sumiksik pa ako sa sulok ng sofa para umiwas.

"Sab."

"Matulog ka na nga sa kuwarto mo," naiiritang utos ko.

"Paano ako makakatulog, nandito ka."

"Nakakatulog ka naman before nang wala ako, di ba?"

"Oo nga. Pero ikaw, hindi ka makakatulog nang maayos nang wala ako."

Fuck.

Hindi ako nakasagot. I just glared at him as he walked near me. I rolled my eyes and stared at the kitchen across my seat.

"Sab, late na. Gagawa pa 'ko ng contract mo paggising."

I glanced at him when he kneeled in front of me.

"Just sleep. Kaya kong matulog mag-isa—ah!" I yelled out of shock when he grabbed my legs and pulled me near him. "Clark, what the fuck!"

My hands landed on his bare shoulders at muntik pang magtama ang mga mukha namin. Napandilatan ko tuloy siya, at hindi ko alam kung ipagpapasalamat kong patay ang ilaw at street lights lang after ng bakod ang liwanag namin, kasi dodoble lang ang kahihiyan ko mula pa kanina. Ang lamig pero ang init ng pisngi ko.

In an instant, bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko dahil sa gulat matapos ang ginawa niyang paghatak sa 'kin.

"It's just an innocent kiss, Sabrina," Clark said, grinning.

"Yeah, and you're making fun of it," I sarcastically answered. Iiwas na sana ako at aalis pero hinarang niya ang braso niya sa gilid ko patukod sa sofa.

Ang sama tuloy ng tingin ko sa kanya kasi nakangisi pa rin siya at halatang nang-aasar.

"Nag-promise ako sa kuya mo na wala akong gagawing kalokohan habang nandito ka sa bahay ko," paalala niya.

"Ang loyal mo kay Kuya, ha? Sana all," sarcastic na sagot ko. "Tabi."

"Saan ka lilipat? Sa gym?"

"Kahit saan, basta wala ka!" Sa kabilang gilid sana ako dadaan pero hinarangan niya 'yon ng braso hanggang sa makulong na ako sa dulong parte ng sofa.

"Really, Sab? So, lalabas ka."

"Bakit ako lalabas?" mataray na tanong ko.

"Bahay ko 'to, remember?"

Shit. How can I fucking forget about that part?

I gave him my deadly stare and crossed my arms. "Don't make fun of my childhood stupidities."

"Hindi naman, a."

"Ah! Kaya pala nakangisi ka kasi hindi." Tinaasan ko pa siya ng kilay. "Don't make a big deal out of it. It's just a kiss!"

His eyes looked up for a second, as if thinking about the logic of my reply. "Ang alam ko, hindi ako ang bumaba rito sa library kasi bini-big deal ang nangyari before. Again, it's just a kiss, at bumalik ka na sa kuwarto para makatulog na tayo."

Argh! Nakakainis talaga siya!

"Bakit hindi ikaw ang bumalik sa kuwar—hey!" Napakapit ako sa balikat niya nang bigla niya akong buhatin na parang wala akong kabigat-bigat. "Clark!" I had no choice but to wrap my legs around his legs so I won't fall.

"Bitiwan mo 'ko, Clark!"

"Kiss lang 'yon, Sab. Bakit ba big deal?"

"That was my first kiss, and you're not supposed to wake up because of that!"

He was about to take the next step up the stairs to his bedroom when I pulled his hair back to stop him. That gave me a clear angle of his serious face, staring at me blankly.

"Let go of me," I commanded. "Isa!"

"Huwag mo 'kong bilangan," warning niya.

"Dalawa!"

"Huwag mo sabi akong bilangan."

"Tatlo—"

But what shocked me was that he pinned me against the wall beside the door. The force was enough for me not to react to his sudden actions. I was about to say something when his lips landed on mine.

Sa sobrang gulat ko, lalong humigpit ang pagkakasabunot ko sa buhok niya. My hand was intended to pull him away from me, but I didn't know what happened. It just brushed his soft hair as he deepened the kiss.

He was heavily breathing and releasing muffled moans as his tongue played inside my mouth. There was something about his moans that turned me on and melted me from the inside.

I could feel his longing and punishment for those kisses. Hindi ko alam na posible mong maramdaman na pinarurusahan ka kasi mahal ka pero hindi sa paraang masasaktan ka nang sobra.

He might have changed himself in front of everyone, but he never changed in front of me.

I was still clinging on to him, returning his punishing kisses even if my lips felt sore when he carried me to the billiard area and put me above the billiard table.

"It was only a kiss, Sab . . ." he murmured.

The heat was consuming my system, and I didn't know how we ended up here. I reeled my head backward for him to kiss my neck.

Patay talaga kaming dalawa kay Kuya nito.

Inalis ko na mula sa pagkakabutones ang damit ko at siya na ang naghubad n'on mula sa akin.

Sinalubong ko ang tingin niya at namumungay ang mga mata niya habang palipat-lipat ang tingin sa mata at labi ko.

"Huwag mong sasabihin 'to sa kuya mo kung ayaw mong kunin ka niya rito sa 'kin," bulong niya.

All I did was bite my lip and nod at him like a child being enticed by a madman with candy.

He cupped my right cheek and kissed me passionately. His hands were brushing my skin, taunting my excitement to rise even more. He slowly removed the remaining clothes from my body and the coldness of the place covered me.

His lips traveled down my jaw and neck, and I definitely missed this feeling. I let out a soft moan when I felt his fingers teasing what was between my thighs.

Kuya didn't say anything about me living here with Clark, pero bakit pakiramdam ko, ang daming bawal kahit wala naman siya rito?

How come I thought this was illegal? But it was thrilling and it raised the pleasure for me.

Clark's tongue was teasing the tip of my bosom, and I spread my legs a bit when his finger slid inside me. I followed its rhythm, and my breathing turned into short gasps.

"Clark . . ." I couldn't count how many times I moaned his name, begging for more.

His lips traveled downward and kissed the side of my thigh before giving me pleasure using his expert tongue.

I really missed this side of him . . . when he knows how to tame me while he was being wild.

"Ah, fuck!" My legs rested on his shoulders. They started to tremble and I grabbed his hair, unsure if I should pull him away or let him devour me until I lost consciousness. Gasps turned into louder moans, and I came without a warning.

"Oh, God . . ."

I was panting for air, lying on the table, when Clark stopped. I thought he was done, but then again, he hadn't even started yet. I heard his jeans unzip and I was barely breathing when he grabbed my neck using his left hand and pulled my leg using his right.

I was already wet when he inserted his shaft inside me. But that only made my legs weaker. He pushed it harder and he was choking me, keeping my moans inside my lips.

"Uhmp—"

The pain overwhelmed the pleasure, and I couldn't keep it any longer. I've already come twice, and he has no plan to stop any time soon. I barely saw his serious face, watching me as he thrusts so hard.

"Clark . . ." I pleaded, almost in a whisper.

My warm were tears freely flowing at the tip of my eye. I was about to tell him to stop for a while when he suddenly slowed down and pulled me up. He was still thrusting, but more gentle and intimate. He held both of my hands and wrapped them around his nape.

I was moaning and gasping for air when he gave me soft kisses. My eyes were sleepy when I looked at him, and he was smiling at me.

"Pagod ka na?" tanong niya at mas binagalan pa niya ang pagkilos.

Hindi ako makasagot. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya, namumungay ang mga mata, habang hinihingal.

"Ang pawis mo na." Hinalikan niya nang marahan ang gilid ng noo ko saka sinuklay ang buhok ko para hindi na dumikit pa sa balikat kong namamawis na nga.

Alam kong hindi pa siya tapos, though kaya niya namang tapusin hanggang mag-pass out ako rito. But he pulled out and he was hard, still. Binuhat niya ulit ako, and my legs were wrapped around his waist again. I really thought, magpapaka-hard pa rin siya kahit nanginginig na ang binti ko at masakit na ang pagitan ng hita ko, but he carried me towards the end of the gym area. And, surprise, my shower area doon, same theme sa bathroom sa itaas.

Walang cover doon bilang stall. Open na open siya para sa lahat ng gustong maligo. Apart from the towel rack, shower head at soap holder lang ang meron sa loob.

Ibinaba ako ni Clark at napapikit na lang ako pagbagsak sa amin ng tubig. But it wasn't cold. Or maybe the coldness wasn't enough to douse the heat inside my body.

I was standing behind the wall, facing Clark. Water ran down our bodies, and I was agape when all of my childhood fantasies came back in a blink of an eye, but in a better view.

That moment inside the bathroom closet, from the small gap of the wooden door, a few meters away from him—parang nag-zoom in lahat para lang makita ko ang ginagawa niya nang harap-harapan.

He was biting his lip, eyes closed, and releasing his heat using his hand.

And from before, I could tell that he's sexier now. And it was a lot sexier to know that he chose to do this rather than to force me to satisfy him kahit pagod na 'ko.

Hearing his moans again brought back memories of why he was my only yes in the middle of everyone's no. Because he was my best option from then until now.

Unfortunately, now is not the right time to accept that fact.

♥♥♥

I woke up because of my alarm. Madilim pa nga, pero naabutan ko na si Clark na nasa harap ng laptop niya sa tabi ng nakabukas na balcony at busy roon.

It was 4:30 in the morning, at busy na siya sa work. For sure, alam na niyang gising ako kasi pinatay ko ang alarm ng phone ko. Nag-check ako online and I saw Kuya updating a photo of Jaesie's candid shot sa IG.

Bored na bored ang mukha ni Jae habang may subo-subong toothbrush at nakatitig sa camera. Mukha pa siyang bagong gising kasi magulo ang pagkaka-bun sa buhok at nakasuot ng super laking black T-shirt, na hindi kay Kuya because I know Kuya's taste sa damit. At nasa kitchen sila ng bahay niya sa P. Rod. The caption was, "If she'd gone berserk and I was reported missing, tell my family I love them so much."

Kuya's humor is something na hindi ko alam kung joke pa ba or not because Jaesie really has the capability to hide Kuya's dead body anywhere once na mabuwisit siya.

Nag-DM ako kay Kuya to check up on him kasi nga may issue about Leo's wedding and soon, my wedding naman.

IamSabrinaDardenne
Kuyaaaaaa
Kuya kong masungiiiiit

Then I saw the seen label kaya mukhang nakita agad ni Kuya ang DM ko.

IAmRonieD
What?

IamSabrinaDardenne
Sungiiiiit

IAmRonieD
Ano nga?

IamSabrinaDardenne
I'm here pa rin kay Clark.

IAmRonieD
You should be.
Kaysa kung saang club at hotel lobby ka natutulog.
Nakakahiya, masisita ka ng guard.

IamSabrinaDardenne
You should buy me a house!

IAmRonieD
Si Jaesie nga, hindi nagpapabili sa 'kin ng bahay.

IamSabrinaDardenne
I'm your freaking sister!

IAmRonieD
Exactly! You're a freak and you're my sister. Bad combination.
And you're supposed to have a house kasi 26 ka na.
My God, Sabrina Dardenne, you're giving me a headache.

IamSabrinaDardenne
I hate you! I need my things. News about Mum.

IAmRonieD
I don't want to talk to Mum. I called her last night,
ni walang hello, tinanong ako kung nagpaalis na ba ng IUD si Jaesie.
She wants the baby ASAP!

IamSabrinaDardenne
Ano sabi ni Jae?

IAmRonieD
Ayokong tanungin si Jaesie because she doesn't know how to have a baby this year.
May family planning na kami, and I can't impregnate her that easily kahit pa gabi-gabi kaming gumawa ng baby

IamSabrinaDardenne
Sana all puwedeng gumawa ng baby gabi-gabi.
Did you threaten Clark not to do something naughty
while I'm here sa kanya?

RonieD
I did. But I doubt he will listen to me.

IamSabrinaDardenne
News flash: Loyal pa rin siya sa 'yo. Boring.
He's making a contract right now.

RonieD
As he should.

IamSabrinaDardenne
Ikaw yata jowa niya, hindi lang announced lol

RonieD
He's just being a friend.
And I appreciate him not taking advantage
kahit pa may freedom naman siya to do so.

IamSabrinaDardenne
You gave him a threat but you're open about him making out with me?
Seriously, Kuya? Nang-aasar ka ba?

RonieD
Hahaha! You're still gonna marry each other someday.
Technically, you're engaged.

IamSabrinaDardenne
NO!

RonieD
YES.

IamSabrinaDardenne
NO! Wala nga akong suot na engagement ring!

RonieD
Then umuwi ka sa Dasma, kunin mo kay Mum.

IamSabrinaDardenne
WTF???
Did Mum literally arrange everything for my wedding???
Kahit singsing, siya rin ang magpo-provide????

RonieD
Easy, cowgirl! What's with the ??????~

IamSabrinaDardenne
I'M ENGAGED WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE,
AND NOW THERE'S A RING???? KAY MUM???

RonieD
Umm, well apparently, Clark was the one who bought that for you.
Handler lang si Mum.

IamSabrinaDardenne
WHAT?????

"Clark!"

Napalingon agad siya sa 'kin na dilat na dilat ang mata. "Grabe, Sab. Ang aga mag-eskandalo, ha?"

Tumalon ako paalis ng kama saka nagmamadaling lumapit sa kanya. "Ano yung sinasabi ni Kuya na binilhan mo 'ko ng engagement ring?"

"Engagement ring?!" kunot-noong tanong niya saka napaurong paatras. "Kailan?!"

"Gusto ko ring malaman, kailan?!"

Litong-lito siya nang tumingin sa gilid. Sunod sa ceiling. Then sa stairway. Saka ibinalik ang tingin sa 'kin. "Wala akong matandaan. Chat mo nga si Rico, kailan 'yan? Baka nanti-trip lang 'yan sa 'yo, ha?"

Dali-dali akong nag-chat kay Kuya para malaman kung joke lang ba ang ring na sinasabi niya.

IamSabrinaDardenne
Kuya, wala raw matandaan si Clark!

IAmRonieD
Ha? Pero binili niya 'yon for you.

IamSabrinaDardenne
Kailan?

IAmRonieD
Five years ago? After yata ng signing mo sa Sun-Dias.

My face explained my annoyance as I placed my right hand on my waist, showing Clark my phone. "Five years ago pa yung singsing."

"Five years ago?" nagtatakang tanong niya saka tumingin na naman sa ceiling. "Five years . . ." Then his confused facial expression changed to clarity. "Oohh . . . yeah. Graduation gift ko 'yon sa 'yo."

"Bakit na kay Mum?"

"Kasi . . . nakisuyo akong ibigay para sa 'yo?" di-siguradong sagot niya. "I mean . . . gift, okay? Graduation gift."

"Binigyan mo 'ko ng engagement ring as a graduation gift?" gulat na tanong ko.

"It's just a ring! Na gold! Na maraming diamonds kasi gusto mo yung maraming sparkling whatevers."

My phone beeped and Kuya sent an image. Lalong tumaas ang kilay ko kasi nasa red box pa 'yon, with jeweller's message for the receiver, and it was customized kasi For Sabrina ang nakalagay.

Everything about the whole package screamed a freaking marriage proposal!

Ipinakita ko ang photo kay Clark saka ako nagkrus ng mga braso saka hinintay ang paliwanag niya.

"Yes! Eto 'yon!" proud pa niyang sinabi habang tinuturo ang screen ng phone ko.

"At bumili ka ng engagement ring as a gift?"

"Explain ko lang, ha." Inilapag niya ang phone ko sa office table niya saka nagpaliwanag. "Bumibili kami that time ni Leo ng engagement ring for Kyline kasi magpo-propose siya. Bumili kami kasi grand opening sale ng shop na buy one take one at puwedeng i-personalized o puwedeng magpa-engrave for free. Ang sabi ni Leo, tutal, graduation mo naman, ibibigay ko sa 'yo tapos si Leo, may singsing para kay Kyline. So, walang lugi. Everybody happy!"

"And Mum thought you were proposing to me! At sa kanya mo pa talaga ibinigay!" Hinampas ko siya sa braso pero sinalag niya gamit ang kaliwang braso niya.

"Hindi pa rin ba ibinibigay ni Tita Tess sa 'yo hanggang ngayon?!" reklamo niya. "'Tang ina, buong akala ko, tinapon mo lang kasi masama loob mo sa 'kin! Ang mahal n'on, ha! May 24-karat diamond 'yon!"

"Nakakainis ka!" Hinampas ko na naman siya saka ko dinampot ang phone ko sa mesa. "Kaya siguro iniisip ni Mum na pakakasalan mo 'ko! Magreregalo ka na lang, engagement ring pa! Nakakainis! Nakakainis. Grrr!"

♥♥♥