Clark tapped my leg that was why I felt sleepy, but since we already left the wedding venue, hindi na ako inaantok.

Mula sa farm, nilakad namin papuntang mansiyon, at halos dalawang block din ang layo n'on, hindi pa kasama ang lawak ng reception area na sumakop ng isa pang buong block.

It was already three in the afternoon, and the sun really wanted to burn us alive. Mula sa malayo, kitang-kita ang heat wave ng kalsada, and some of the grass beside us were already burning at umuusok na.

Pero walang nagpa-panic. Even I didn't panic about that. Siguro kasi noong bata kami, sa probinsiya, lalo sa subdivision na ang dami pang excess lots na puro damuhan, may instances talaga na gumagapang ang grass fire because of the heat.

"'Tang ina, maghubad na kaya ako rito, napakainit!" reklamo ni Clark at hinatak na ang gray necktie niya.

I have his suit, ipinandong niya sa ulo ko kasi wala kaming payong. I was covered by it samantalang exposed na exposed siya sa arawan. I could definitely see that he was sweating kasi dumidikit na sa white long sleeves niya ang balat niya, at halos naging silhouette na iyon.

"You should've worn at least a white tank top or T-shirt before your dress shirt," I said.

"Ang init na nga, pasusuotin mo pa 'ko ng maraming patong?" He wasn't joking when he said he'd gonna take his clothes off. Hinubad niya ang basa sa pawis na long sleeves niya at isinampay iyon sa kanang balikat niya.

"You were just a dream that I once knew!" bigla niyang kanta at pasigaw pa.

That was the wedding procession song of Melanie and Patrick earlier.

"I never thought I would be right for you!" dugtong niya. "'Tang-inang kanta 'yan."

I chuckled a bit because of his bitterness.

"Anong dream-dream ka diyan?" reklamo niya habang pinapagpag sa namamawis niyang likod ang long sleeves niyang gusot at basa na. "Hindi bagay yung kanta kina Patrick haha!"

"Ano bang bagay na kanta for them?" tanong ko habang nakasunod sa kanya. "Parang okay naman sa kanila ang Forevermore, a?"

He turned around to face me and walked backward.

"And if you like midnight driving with the windows down . . ." he started singing as he bobbed his head, hands in his pockets.

His voice was better and deep for a pop song.

"And if you like going places we can't even pronounce. If you like to do whatever you've been dreaming about. Then, baby, you're perfect." He clicked his tongue, winked, and pointed at me with his gun-posed hands. "Baby, I'm perfect for you."

He turned around again and that was the perfect timing for me to smile at him.

"'Yon sana theme song nila tutal ang hilig nilang gumala-gala sa kung saan."

Kapag sinasabi ng iba na ang cute ni Clark, hindi talaga ako tumatanggi. He can be adorable at some times. Hindi na yata mawawala sa kanya 'yon.

He was snapping his fingers and continued singing. Nakuha pa niyang sumayaw kahit nasa gitna kami ng kalsada. Though, wala namang ibang tao sa paligid pero talagang hindi siya nahihiya.

"I will always remember . . ." He started clapping and my brow automatically raised. "The day you kissed my lips, light as a feather . . ."

My overthinking self stopped walking. Nakatitig lang ako kay Clark na kanta pa rin nang kanta.

Wait . . . wala naman sigurong meaning ang kanta niya sa aming dalawa, right? I mean, we were talking about Mel and Pat's wedding song choice, right?

I jogged to follow him. He was still singing and dancing to his song.

"Paint a picture for you and me of the days when we were young!" He was shouting the lyrics as if it was tiring to sing. "Singing at the top of both our lungs on the day we fell in love . . ."

Sumimangot ako at tinanong siya. "Favorite song mo?"

"Ha?" Nilingon niya ako. "Ang alin?"

"2002?"

Tumawa lang siya habang umiiling. "Hindi, a."

"Bakit kinakanta mo?"

"Masamang kantahin?"

The only thing I did was give him a questionable look.

"Sungit mo." Nakangisi siyang nagpatuloy sa paglalakad habang pakanta-kanta pa rin.

Clark likes to sing, that's for sure. Pero ang weird kasi ng mga kinakanta niya.

O baka ako lang ang nawiwirduhan. Masyado kasing on point.

We reached the house and we saw nobody from there. Baka nasa farm pa rin at may sariling banquet sa kanila.

Dumeretso ako sa kuwarto namin nina Jaesie at ibinato ko sa dresser chair ang suit ni Clark.

Ibinagsak ko ang katawan ko sa kama at tumalbog ako nang dalawang beses doon habang nakatitig ako sa ceiling.

Pat's wedding was already done, and my nightmares were starting to materialize.

Mum was silent about my own wedding. Kahit sa brand ko, tahimik din siya at ayaw sumagot kung bakit pumayag siyang ma-breach ko ang kontrata ko sa agency na humahawak sa akin. I would face a worst case scenario because of her plans, hindi man lang siya kinakabahan.

I started to feel the exhaustion after two days of working hard for this wedding. Next time talaga, hindi na ako tatanggap ng suits na ganito karami.

Napasulyap ako sa pintuan nang bumukas iyon at pumasok si Clark na pinanindigan ang pagiging topless niya. He was busy on his phone, may kausap siguro.

"Bakit hindi ka pa magdamit?" tanong ko paglapit niya sa 'kin.

"Magdadamit pa, huhubarin din naman."

I immediately got up and looked at him, stunned. "I'm not making out with you."

He cringed at me and took the chair where I placed his suit. "Ang halay ng utak mo, Sab, ha." He sat there and focused on his phone.

Ah, so wala pala siyang plano? Ano? Balak lang niya akong ipahiya sa sarili ko for assuming?

"Sino'ng kausap mo? Girlfriend mo?" tanong ko habang tinataasan ng kilay ang phone niya. "Just tell me right away so I can avoid you."

He rolled his eyes and showed me his phone's screen.

"I didn't say na ipakita mo, duh!" But I still looked at it.

#Alabang-Boys

Leo the Lion (Leopold Scott)
— Clark, nagkaka-anxiety na kami rito kay Tita Tess

Superman (Clark Mendoza)
— Y?

Calvin Klein (Calvin Dy)
— Not dropping anything abt your wedding with Sab
— Gago ako kinakabahan dito haha

Superman (Clark Mendoza)
— Walang magda-drop ng topic sa table ha

Calvin Klein (Calvin Dy)

— Gago tinatanong kelan daw magkaka-baby si Jae

— HAHAHAHA

Leo the Lion (Leopold Scott)
— HAHAHAHA

— Jae's on her alpha mode again. May family feud na naman dito sa table

Calvin Klein (Calvin Dy)
— And no one's dropping about Sab lol

Superman (Clark Mendoza)
— Bigay nyo na kay Master Chef ang topic.

Patrick Star (Patrick Lauchengco)
— Dudes, I want to exit na. Parang ready to stab na ng steak knife si Jaesie kay Tita Tess.

Calvin Klein (Calvin Dy)
— HAHAHA kapag pinalagan to ni Tita Tess, magla-live talaga ko right now

And the convo ended there. I looked at Clark's bored face.

"At talagang pinagtsitsimisan n'yo si Mum at si Jaesie, ha."

"Mas okay na 'yon kaysa tayo ang topic, duh!" he imitated my maarte voice. He focused on his phone again.

My anxiety didn't know where to stay kasi parang silang lahat na nakapaligid sa akin, may kanya-kanyang plano. Now, may bagong issue na naman, lalong mas magulo na.

I crossed my legs and placed both of my palms on the bed. I stared at Clark to talk to him about our latest problem.

"It looks like Mum is making her plans under the table," I started. "Sana naman may plano ka."

Clark glanced at me for a second and stared back at his phone. "Hindi naman titigil si Tita Tess hangga't ka naikakasal."

"And you're still a no."

"No pa rin ako, for now."

"For now." I sarcastically grinned. "So may plano kang mag-yes."

"Naka-reserve ang yes ko kapag sure na. Ayoko ngang ikasal ngayon, ang kulit."

"Alam n'yo, pinahihirapan n'yo lang ako." I took a deep breath and combed my hair in frustration.

No siya, pero may yes din pala. Everyone was saying yes. Now, I want my no until my contract ends. Pero mukhang hindi papayag si Mum na mag-no ako. And probably wala ang no sa option ko since hawak ako ni Mum sa leeg.

"Just chill, okay?"

"Chill? You know, Clark, hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin ko ngayon."

He stopped scrolling on his phone and sat straight. His eyes have a hint of disappointment and uncertainty.

"Ang personal account ko, nasa fifty thousand pesos lang ang laman. Everything na pinaghirapan ko, hawak ni Mum to control my expenses. One-way plane ticket lang ang mabibili ko sa fifty thousand, wala pa akong pocket money. Wala akong magandang option sa case na 'to."

"Kaya nga gagawan ng paraan, di ba? Chill ka lang kasi."

"Paano ako makakapag-chill, pagkatapos nitong wedding, wala na akong work! Wala na rin akong brand!"

I was about to pull my hair when Clark threw his phone on the bed just to catch my hands in the air.

"O! Ano na naman 'yan, Sab?" Tumayo na siya sa harapan ko at wina-warning-an ako ng tingin.

Binabawi ko ang kamay ko pero ayaw niyang bitiwan. "Let me go!"

"Gagawa nga ako ng paraan. Huwag kang puro sabunot diyan sa sarili mo, ako sasabunot sa 'yo, sige ka."

"I can't rely sa gagawan mo ng paraan kasi hindi ko alam kung ano'ng ginagawa mo!"

"Huwag kang sumigaw. Baka isipin nila sa labas, minamaltrato kita rito."

Inaagaw ko pa rin ang kamay ko pero ayaw niyang bitiwan.

"Kakausapin ko si Tita Tess. Kakausapin ko ang agency mo. Ako'ng bahala sa 'yo. Kumalma ka nga."

I tried not to cry because of disappointment and the truth na after ng araw na 'to, wala na akong kontrol sa lahat ng pinaghirapan ko.

Mum was the one handling all my activities and assets because I trusted her that much at sure akong hindi niya 'yon basta gagastusin because she has her own money. Pero hindi ko naman ine-expect na aabot siya sa ganitong point para lang sumunod ako sa kanya.

And now what? Makikipagmatigasan ako sa kanya samantalang hindi nga ako makaka-survive ng fifty thousand lang for a few months. Electric and postpaid bill ko pa nga lang, kalahati na n'on ang mawawala sa akin for next month.

"I wanna go home," sabi ko.

"Sab . . ."

"This is Pat's wedding. Si Kuya ang kailangan nila rito. The suits were used na rin naman, so hindi na ako hahanapin."

I couldn't stay here for too long. Ayoko ng mabigat na feeling na meron dito sa lugar na 'to kasi lahat ng cause ng anxiety ko, nandito.

Ayaw rin namang magsalita ni Mum kaya bahala na.

Clark let my hands go. "Fine. Ihahatid na kita sa condo mo."

Hindi na ako nakasagot.

I was lost. Feeling ko, na-serve na ang purpose ko ngayon after this wedding. Tomorrow, boutique ko na lang ang matatakbuhan ko. Wala na akong pending orders kaya baka tumambay na lang ako sa shop habang naghihintay ng customers.

I checked the time on my golden bracelet watch. Quarter to three na, and for sure, start na ng after-party maya-maya hanggang eight ng gabi.

Clark went out of the room for a minute, at pagbalik niya, nakasuot na siya ng black Lacoste polo kahit ka-partner pa ng damit niya ang slacks and leather shoes na kanina pa niyang suot.

"Tara na. Uwi na tayo." Kinuha na niya ang kamay ko saka ako hinatak patayo.

Wala akong ibang gamit dito. Phone nga lang ang dala ko. Kahit wallet, wala talaga. Nakaasa ako kay Kuya mula pa last Friday.

Nasa ibaba lang ng mansiyon ang parking lot at buti na lang, dala ni Clark ang Chevy niya. Ayoko ng ipagpapaalam pa niya kina Leo ang paghiram ng kotse.

Sumakay na ako kahit hindi niya ako inuutusan. Gusto ko na lang umuwi at matulog. Mula pa last year akong dine-drain ng manipulation ni Mum, nakakapagod na.

Wala akong napala today kundi pagod at anxiety lang.

Most of my colleagues were telling me I was so lucky to be born as a Dardenne, but none of them saw how to live in a household where I was never the favored kid and was always manipulated by her mother.

Paalis na kami ng farm ng mga Vizcarra, and this meant another issue for me and Clark.

"May dance number ba kayo?" tanong ko sa kanya. "I can borrow your car or I can ask for a private ride. Hindi mo na 'ko kailangang ihatid."

"Sabrina, tigilan mo nga ang kaka-overthink mo."

"Mum didn't look happy kanina noong ipinagpaalam mo 'ko."

"Natural hindi talaga siya matutuwa."

"Hindi ko sinabi sa kanyang uuwi ako today."

"Sinabi ko."

Bigla akong napaderetso ng upo mula sa pagkakasandal sa upuan at nakasimangot na tiningnan siya. "Sinabi mong uuwi ako? Like right now?"

"Ang sinabi ko kay Tita, iuuwi na kita sa Manila. Doon din naman ang punta natin, e."

"Pero di ba, ang paalam ko, iidlip lang ako sa mansiyon?"

"Sab, kanina ka pang umaga unease kay Tita Tess. Mas kilala pa kita kaysa sa mama mo kaya hindi mo kailangang paunti-untiin ang paalam."

Hindi na ako nakapagsalita. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya habang nakatingin siya both sides ng kalsadang lilikuan namin.

"So that was the reason why ang sungit ni Mum kanina. What about you? Male-late ka sa after-party."

"Sinabi ko nang hindi ako makaka-attend ng after-party."

"Nasisiraan ka na ba! Wedding 'yon ng best friend mo!"

"Si Pat nga, gusto na niyang umalis sa reception ng kasal niya, e. Hindi naman magdadamdam ang barkada ko. Alam naman nila kung kailan ako tumatanggi."

"I can go home alone."

"Yeah, you can. Tapos ano? Magse-self-harm ka na naman. Sab, ginagawan na namin ng paraan 'to ng kuya mo, okay?" Saglit siyang sumulyap sa 'kin bago ibalik ang tingin sa daan. "Hindi na namin hihilinging maging kasintapang ka ni Jaesie, pero huwag mo lang sasaktan ang sarili mo."

I shifted my gaze and stared out the window. Clark would always drop that every time na alam niyang frustrated na ako. And the saddest part of that truth, siya lang ang nagre-remind sa akin n'on. Magre-react lang naman sina Mum kapag kailangan ko nang dalhin sa ospital.

Sunday, and the afternoon traffic was smoother than the rest of our travels south. Maybe because it wasn't rush hour and Clark knew where to go faster than the service road.

Ilang residential area at ginagawang building din ang nalampasan namin. Tirik pa rin ang araw pero malamig naman sa loob ng kotse dahil sa air con.

Clark didn't turn on his music player and resorted to humming a familiar tune again and singing in a low voice afterward.

"Closing time, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here . . ."

And as usual, I ended up singing alone as I stared out the window.

"I know who I want to take me home . . . take me home . . ."

I was busy staring outside when I felt Clark's hand hold mine. Akala ko, tsansing lang siya, pero saka ko lang napansin na kinukurot ko ang bandang hita ng skirt ko.

Pagtingin ko sa kanya, naka-focus pa rin siya sa daan habang sumisilip sa mga stoplight mula sa windshield.

Lumipat ang tingin ko sa kamay naming dalawa. Nasa pagitan na naman ng mga daliri ko ang mga daliri niya. Bahagyang nilalaro ng hinlalaki niya ang hinlalaki kong hindi ko naman kinokontrol.

Napanatag na ang paghinga ko at pumaling ako sa side niya. Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa kanya habang nakatitig sa mukha niyang seryoso lang.

"Clark."

"O?"

"Bakit mo hinahawakan ang kamay ko?"

Saglit siyang sumulyap sa 'kin. Nasagot na niya ito noon, pero bata pa ako that time. It was easy for me to reasoned out that I forgot about it kahit pa hindi naman talaga.

He used to hold me to pacify me. He told this to Kuya too. If I'm not feeling better, Kuya should give me a hug kahit pa naiinis kami sa isa't isa. It helped me calm down and prevent myself from hurting myself unconsciously.

Basically, Clark is the reason why I was so clingy to everyone.

I was waiting for his answer pero tahimik lang siyang nagda-drive.

"Mahirap ba ang tanong?" follow-up question ko.

"Walang mahirap sa tanong. Alam ko lang na alam mo naman ang sagot."

Then he drove the car to the left curb and took a route along with other vehicles entering Metro Manila.

"Hindi ko alam," sabi ko.

"Sab, puwede mo namang sabihin kung kailangan mo ng validation. Madali naman akong kausap."

"I'm just asking why are you holding my hand."

"To calm you down. Next question."

I sarcastic chuckle escape my lips and shook my head in dismay. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ba kaming dalawa ngayon. He could hold my hand without any malice. He could hug me without any lewd intention. He could kiss me and act like it was just a friendly gesture, and that was the boring part of the whole idea. Something happened between us yet wala pala siyang balak ituloy ang kasal namin. Now, ako na ang walang balak, tapos malalaman kong possible palang mag-yes siya. He was creating a barrier between us after his ocasional attempts to cross that to get me for a moment at hindi ko na alam kung ano ang meron kami.

"What if hindi ko na mabawi ang brand ko sa Sun-Dias?" tanong ko sa kanya kasi dead end ko na 'yon. If I lost that, wala na. Babalik lang ako kay Mum at wala na akong choice kundi sundin ang plano ng mommy kong halata namang inaalisan na ako ng privilege paunti-unti.

"I'll try to work on it."

"What if hindi pumayag si Mum?"

"Then hindi."

Biglang humigpit ang hawak ko sa kanya at nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko.

"Seriously, Clark?"

"Sab, ayokong mag-decide nang wala akong idea sa gagawin ko. Kung hindi pumayag si Tita Tess, then I'll do what I can do. Chill ka lang kasi."

"Can I have at least an update about those things you were 'doing', hmm? Kasi hindi ako makapag-chill habang wala akong alam kung ano na ang mangyayari sa 'kin sa mga susunod na araw."

The car stopped after the stoplight turned red, and Clark had the chance to look at me attentively.

"Wala kang tiwala sa 'kin?" tanong niya, hindi naman offended pero parang curious lang din.

"Not that I don't trust you, but we're dealing with Mom, and I had no idea what was going on. Last time nga, nakipag-meeting ka kina Tita Ali nang wala akong idea."

"So gusto mo 'kong mag-update sa 'yo."

"Yes!"

"Syota na ba kita?"

Sumimangot ako at hahatakin sana ang kamay ko para bitiwan niya pero mas humigpit pa ang hawak niya roon.

"Puwede bang seryosohin mo naman ako, Clark?" reklamo ko sa kanya.

"Gusto mo 'kong mag-update sa 'yo tapos gusto mong seryosohin kita."

"Exactly!"

"Wow, girlfriend?"

"Claaark!" Pinalo ko na ang kamay niyang nakahawak pa rin sa 'kin. "Isa!"

Binitiwan na niya ako at saka niya hinawakan ng magkabilang kamay ang manibela bago nag-U-turn sa nag-iisang slot palipat ng way. Dadaan yata siya sa shortcut papunta sa condo ko.

"Saka na kita ia-update kung may sasabihin ako," sabi niya habang tutok ulit sa daan. "Si Tita Tess nga, walang announcement until now. At huwag mong isipin ang meeting kay Tita Ali. Business 'yon, natural. Hindi naman ako kakausapin ni Tita Ali dahil lang na-miss niya 'ko."

"At talagang sa 5-star hotel pa?"

"Sila naman ang may gusto n'on, hindi naman ako."

A few minutes later, nakarating na kami sa condo ko. At last. After three days, nakauwi na rin.

Pero sa elevator pa lang, pinandilatan ko agad ang elevator button kasi naka-red tape ang button for the penthouse—my place.

"Whoah," Clark said. "It's getting worse."

Bago magsara ang elevator, lumabas na ako at pasugod na pumunta sa front desk.

"Shaun, care to explain why may red tape ang penthouse ko?" I placed my hands on my waist and waited for the male attendant to answer me.

Ang bigat ng pagbuntonghininga niya at pilit na pilit ang ngiti sa akin. "My apology, Miss Sabrina. Naglapag po ng memo ang management, temporarily unavailable ang penthouse until further notice."

"But my things are there!" I yelled, pointing out the elevator door.

"Na-pick up na po ang ibang personal things ninyo yesterday, and the instructions given to us were to inform you that Madame Tessa was asking you to move to her house, in the meantime."

"No," I immediately answered, shaking my head in disbelief. "No, no, not Mum, no!"

This can't be happening. No!

♥♥♥