Ang tahimik sa kotse. Mahaba ang traffic sa SLEX at doon pa talaga naisipan ni Clark na dumaan. Probably because doon din dumaan ang buong barkada niyang babalik sa Manila. Sina Kuya, two cars away from us. After SLEX, deretso sila sa Roxas Boulevard, kami sa Dasma, Makati.

Clark was humming a familiar song. Ni hindi niya binuksan ang music player ng Ford Ranger niya. He was tapping at the steering wheel and looked like he was enjoying the song he was humming.

I tried to follow his hum kasi parang buong song pa yata ang iha-hum niya.

"Through all the dudes that came by . . ." I sang with a low voice. "And all the nights that you cried. Girl, I was there right by your side . . ."

I saw myself singing in the middle of the traffic as he hummed.

"How could I tell you I loved you when you were so happy with some other guy?"

The car moved a little but it stopped after the car in front of us halted. Ang tagal sa tollway.

We finished the whole song and the traffic wasn't getting any better.

Clark hummed another song, and I stared outside the window and tried to follow what was happening around us.

The sun started to set, and the position of Clark's Ranger was perfect to see the sun hiding behind the sea from the gap between the houses beside us.

"You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night . . ." I sang again to follow Clark's humming. "And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might . . ."

I was a bit shocked when he sang the lyrics I was singing.

"And I can't fight this feeling anymore . . . I've forgotten what I started fighting for . . ."

He sang a bit relaxed, but I could still hear the lyrics from him.

"It's time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars, forever . . ."

I was keeping my smile kasi bihira lang kumanta si Clark nang hindi siya nagkakalat. Or maybe, kapag ako ang kasama niya, hindi talaga siya nagkakalat. It looked like he was keeping his image of what he was like when I was a kid.

"And if I have to crawl upon the floor, come crashing through your door. Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore . . ."

Si Kuya Ronie, si Clark saka si Mat, mga singer naman sila ever since. Si Kuya, forced maging singer kasi barkada niya, mga kumakanta. Pero mas madalas sumayaw si Clark noong makabalik ako rito sa Pilipinas. More likely because Will is a dancer and a former PEP Squad member, Patrick likes to dance, and Calvin likes to do dirty dancing for so many reasons I couldn't grasp logically, but I could understand why once he started shaking his body. Si Kuya Ronie saka si Leo, napaka-KJ kaya taga-tawa lang sila, not unless lalasingin sila o babayaran sila nang malaki para lang gumiling.

At last, bumilis na rin ang pag-andar ng sasakyan after naming makalampas sa tollway.

I took my phone to check some texts or chats or updates, but I forgot, two months na pala akong single. May text nga, but it came from one of my clients, asking kung tapos na ba ang suit niya. Well, it was already done, assistant ko na ang bahalang mag-asikaso sa kanya. May chat, but it was Tonette, telling me to check his newly-bought Dior handbag. I just sent a GIF of a heart and go offline.

Along the way, I could see the billboard with my face and the product my own company was selling.

The whole billboard was pink and I was holding an anti-aging cream. Nakasuot ako ng white tube and naka-messy bun ang hair ko with a little strands resting beside my cheeks. May name ko pa at signature under it. The whole ad was nice, pero kitang-kita ang SFX ng image to the point na kapag tumabi ako sa billboard sa kaparehong viewpoint, ang layo na ng mukha ko sa nasa billboard.

Sobrang lighting, ang kapal ng smoothing filter, and there were glitters around it to be "magical" at pinaliit nang kaunti ang mata ko para nga raw hindi ako mukhang mataray. Kaya nga kahit lumakad ako sa sidewalk, walang magkakamaling ako ang nasa billboard unless may malaki akong name tag saying, "Hello, I'm Sabrina Dardenne."

I'm a brand endorser and CEO of Sabrina's Beauty. But the thing is I don't do management. Si Mum ang nagha-handle ng management ng company ko. I hate paperwork. Meron lang akong assistant na magsasabi sa aking "Miss Sab, sign ka na lang dito," or "Miss Sab, we need your stamp here," or "Miss Sab, we need your thumbprint here."

Si Kuya Ronie ang isa sa consultants ng company ko related sa chemicals and ingredients na inilalagay sa mga beauty product apart from me. Minsan, collaborating sila ni Calvin, lalo sa harmful substance na kailangan naming iwasan. Medyo mahal lang ang bayad kay Calvin, pero sulit ang bayad sa kanya kasi parang package na ang service niya, end-to-end ang work. So far, my company is stable and productive. Hindi ko masasabing kasinlaki ng company ni Daddy, but it was productive. Ang kailangan ko lang naman ay i-maintain ang cash flow para magpantay kami ng net worth ni Kuya. Si Mum ang nagha-handle ng halos lahat ng expenses namin kaya nga gigil na gigil si Mum sa akin noong boyfriend ko pa si Ivo.

Shit, naalala ko na naman si Ivo.

I want a refund, fuck shit siya.

A few hours later, nasa Dasma na kami. This time, ang tahimik ni Clark. Usually kasi, kapag pumapasok siya sa bahay at hinahanap si Mum, lagi siyang sumisigaw.

Walang sinabi si Kuya about sa pinag-usapan nila. Maybe it was a serious matter for them since iniwas nila kami sa forum. Kahit asawa ni Kuya si Jaesie at aasawahin pa lang sina Kyline at Melanie, hindi pa rin nila pinagbigyan.

Ay, kasama pala ako sa aasawahin pala dapat. Anyway . . .

"Clark, my dear!"

"Tita!"

My eyes automatically rolled after Clark cheerfully greeted Mum, as if hindi niya sinabing gusto niyang bigyan ng permanent restraining order ang mama ko.

Ang plastic!

"Sabrina! You're with Clark?" Mum asked, ecstatic and surprised.

"Yeah," I answered, bored.

"Very good!" Mum clapped. "Now, do you want to have a dinner here, Clark?"

"Actually, Tita . . ."

"Yes, of course, you do! Tara sa dining area. Jocelyn, paki-ready ng table!"

I was agape and I was still in process of my Mum's paladesisyon moments again.

Wala pang sinasabi si Clark! And she didn't even bother to ask me! Hello? Ako ang bunso rito, hello?

Lumakad na lang ako papunta sa staircase habang pairap-irap sa hangin.

"Sabrina!"

Ah, at last! Naalala rin ako ng magaling kong ina.

"Yes, Mum?"

"Kunin mo ang blue paper bag sa room ko at ibaba mo rito. Nasa sidetable lang 'yon."

Whut?

I pointed to my chest. "Why me?"

"Aakyat ka na rin lang naman, isabay mo na."

"Mum, we have maids. We pay for them to work for you."

"How's your day, my dear?" biglang tanong niya kay Clark habang akay-akay niya papuntang dining area.

Oh my God. For real? Did my Mum already disown me without my knowledge?

Nakakainis, ha. Favored na favored siya kay Clark, and now, I could feel the intensity of it na halos hindi na ako pansinin ng sarili kong ina.

All right. So Clark's already there. Mukhang lalo akong mahihirapang kumbinsihin si Mum nito.

I went to their room. Three doors away from the stairway.

The master bedroom smelled like lemon balm. It was soothing and refreshing, and it smelled like I wanted to drink some cold water with huge ice cubes in it.

Mum likes golden things. Ang canopy bed nila ni Daddy, gold and white. The wallpaper was white and had some gold fleur de lis patterns. The tall curtains were white and golden. The chairs were Victorian-themed and enormous.

I found the lone blue paper bag sitting above the side table beside the door. Tiningnan ko pa kung ano iyon. My jaw dropped as I stared at a men's bag. It was a Tom Ford messenger bag!

What the fuck?

Alam ba ni Mum kung magkano 'to? It cost a hundred thirty thousand pesos!

Tapos ayaw niyang gumastos ako for Ivo samantalang binibilhan niya nang ganito kamahal na gamit si Clark?

It's fucking unfair!

I needed to talk to Mum about this. Hindi ako papayag na paulit-ulit niyang nire-remind sa akin ang expenses ko for Ivo samantalang gumagastos din pala siya sa favorite child niyang hindi naman niya tunay na anak!

Nagmamadali akong bumaba papunta sa dining area. Naabutan ko sila roon ni Clark, at sila lang talaga ang may plato! So, talagang hindi niya ako ipinaghanda?

I . . . I couldn't believe it. This is—this is crazy.

I threw the paper bag beside Clark and crossed my arms at Mum. "Care to explain why there's a Tom Ford here, Mum?"

"Ah, of course. Clark, darling." Mum was grinning and carefully took the bag for Clark to see. "This is a small token for you because I know, you take care of Sabrina, and she's doing fine now."

"Mum! Clark's not taking care of me."

"Oh really?" Mum looked puzzled, like her fake and sarcastic puzzled reaction. "Then let Clark take care of you from now on, Sabrina."

"Tita, let me talk to you about this." Clark waved his hand, shooing me away. "Nang kami lang," parinig pa niya nang hindi ako kumilos.

"I hate you all." I rolled my eyes and marched toward the doorway.

Naiinis talaga ako kay Mum. Malas ko kasi siya ang humahawak ng pera ko. May pera din naman ako, but 80% ng pera ko, kanya. Ang meron lang ako ngayon, puro credit cards, at hindi lahat ng establishments and services, accepting ng cards. Kapag kailangan ko ng cash, kailangan ko pa ng approval para makapag-withdraw nang sosobra sa 30 thousand.

Dumeretso ako sa kuwarto ni Kuya. Kapag nasa Dasma ako, lagi akong nasa kuwarto niya. Binubulabog ko sila ni Jaesie kung minsan. But since hindi sila nagtatagal dito every night (dahil kinukulit sila ni Mum), kahit kalagitnaan ng gabi, bumibiyahe pa rin sila para makauwi sa Ivory Meadows or sa P. Rodriguez.

I already assumed that Clark told Kuya about my childhood stupid antics kasi lahat ng TV or theater set ni Kuya, nakaiwas na sa mga cabinet. Ang dating closet niya, katabi na ng pintuan ng bathroom at salamin na ang katapat. Pagdating sa bathroom, lahat ng closet niya, nakatapat na sa pader at salamin.

Kuya and Clark have been friends up until now, but I never heard Kuya Ronie tell me how disgusting I acted when I was a kid. Wala akong idea kung paano iyon sinabi ni Clark sa kanila, but I appreciated him and his decision not to tolerate my absurdities. And I appreciate him more for not taking advantage of my innocence, to think na madali lang sa kanyang magsamantala that time kasi kaming dalawa lang ang nandito.

He could have let me touch his dick when he was awake. I mean, it was a chance. Not that I wanted him to do that, but it was a possibility a guy could grab. He watches porn, he masturbates, and the idea was already there. But he chose to scold me and tell me that it was wrong. That what I did was wrong, and I shouldn't have done that. And he distanced himself no matter how I begged for his presence until I realized that I was completely wrong.

Sa barkada ngayon ni Kuya, lagi nilang dina-drop ang kamanyakan ni Clark at mga green joke niya, but I never saw Clark that way.

Never kong nakita si Clark na gagawa o magsasalita ng kahit ano na mararamdaman kong binabastos niya ako. Kung may marinig man ako sa kanya tungkol sa kabastusan, madalas ay protektahan ko ang sarili ko sa mga lalaking babastusin lang ako.

• • •

Another week had passed, and no one was telling me about my supposedly upcoming wedding with Clark. It was a bit weird that Mum wasn't speaking about it. Kuya acted like nothing was planned. Hindi naman sa ine-expect kong ibo-bombard ako ng tungkol kay Clark pero parang ang payapa ng lahat. Yung feeling na sa sobrang peaceful, parang may mali.

December, tapos na ang tux ni Patrick. Rush kaming lahat kasi grand wedding ang "simple" wedding nina Patrick and Melanie.

It was so extravagant na December pa lang, sinisimulan na ang preparation sa 'mga' venue.

Sa fountain area sa farm nina Melanie gaganapin ang main wedding. Naka-ready na ang main house ng mga Phoa nearby the fountain for the visitors. Sa dulong-dulo ng farm, meron doong hotel and resort at doon muna ang mga bisita tutuloy na good for three days lalo sa mga malalayo ang bahay pero attendees.

Then sa kabilang end ng farm ang dining hall. Karugtong iyon ng nadaanan naming malalaking kitchen hall noong dumalaw kami kina Melanie.

Isa ako sa supplier ng suits para sa groomsmen. Buong November at December, halos buong araw kami sa working area ng team ko, matapos lang lahat ng suit na gagamitin. Ilan 'yon, seventy pairs. Kaya stressed ako pagdating ng January kasi nadagdagan ako ng three kilos kakakain habang nagtatrabaho.

"Will, I'm tired na . . ." reklamo ko, kunwaring naiiyak pa habang nagsi-sit-ups.

"Sab, last five."

I was grunting and forced myself to lift my body. Nagkabilbil na 'ko, so I had to get rid of it!

"I hate my fucking body!" I yelled, and it echoed throughout the gym.

"You're still gorgeous, Sabrina. Last two, come on!"

I was shouting my sentiments about how fat I was. Sobrang naiinggit ako sa mga asawa ng barkada ni Kuya na sobrang dali lang magtunaw ng fats. Kyline had stretchmarks, but she wasn't affected by them. She said Leo loves her and her stretchmarks. And those marks meant how strong she was for being a mom with Eugene and Luan. Pero wala pa akong anak! At ang taba ko na! At wala man lang nagsasabi sa 'king okay lang maging mataba kasi mahal pa rin niya 'ko!

The fuck! I hate being single. Single na nga, ang dami ko pang bilbil. Napaka-petty ko na.

"All right. You did great, Sab."

Will grabbed my hand and pulled me up as if I weighed like a feather.

"I still see my fat," I said, grabbing my tummy skin.

"You still see it because it was only your third day. Let's see the improvement."

Dinala ako ni Will sa weighing scale nila malapit sa entrance ng gym. The digital meter says I weigh a hundred and forty pounds and some points beyond.

"It's normal for you, Sab."

"Pero may fats."

"You need to have fats, Sabrina. Hindi ka puwedeng mawalan ng fats sa katawan."

"But Jaesie's body look like she's doing weights. Pero nakakapag-cake pa rin siya."

"Because it's some metabolism shits your body doesn't have. Huwag mong i-compare ang katawan mo kay Jaesie. Hindi siya normal na tao."

"I know."

That was a joke, but as we talked about it, parang nagiging truth na rin dahil walang tumatawa.

Ganitong time ng gabi, dinner time na nga, wala na halos tao sa gym ni Will. Before dinner lang ako nauubusan ng work for a day. Sobrang stressed ko na, after gym, dumeretso ako sa bar para uminom kahit kaunti lang.

Sa sobrang dami kong kailangang tapusin for Patrick's wedding, feeling ko, nawalan na 'ko ng friends kasi two months akong hindi nagpakita sa lahat.

That was seventy suits and isang pair lang ang natatapos namin for a day ng team ko. Ang isang pair; may thick coat, vest, dress shirt, pants, and pocket squares nang included. At hindi lang kami basta nagtahi ng pantalon at long sleeves. Hindi kami factory. Everything is handmade. Manual labor. Kamay ang madalas naming gamiting panahi.

I'm glad na hindi kasing-demanding ni Mum ang mga Lauchengco, Phoa, at Vizcarra kasi kung hindi, I would immediately dropped the orders, maghanap sila ng gumagawa ng rush.

November kami nag-start, January kami natapos. Nakapanganak na si Melanie, gumagawa pa rin ako ng suit para sa kasal nila ni Patrick. End of January ang wedding. Naghahabol ako ng timbang para sa dress ko na bakat na bakat ang inilaki ng waist ko sa dress.

Pagdating ko sa bar, dumeretso ako sa counter saka umorder ng cocktail. I stood in front of a tall table and looked at everything like I was going to wreak havoc inside this place.

The alcohol reeked and the smell of different perfumes wasn't helping me to focus. Nangangawit pa ang braso saka hita ko mula sa exercise, pero ayokong umupo. Parang nagje-gelatin ang binti ko kada upo ko.

Ine-enjoy ko pa lang ang cocktail ko nang makita ang ayoko na sanang makitang tao sa Earth.

Parang gusto kong baliin ang stem ng iniinuman ko sa sobrang inis.

Pagod na nga ako, makikita ko pa rito si Ivo?

At ang kapal ng mukha niyang magpakita pa sa mga lugar na pinupuntahan ko rin, ha.

After so many months, akala ko, makaka-move on na ako sa kanya. But nah. Not because I love him but because I wanted to take all my money na ginastos ko para sa kanya.

"Huy, matunaw 'yan."

Halos mapatalon ako sa puwesto nang may biglang lumapit sa likod ko. Hinawakan niya ako sa baywang habang nakapatong ang kanang kamay niya sa mesang kaharap ko.

Pagtingala ko, "Clark?" Nagsalubong agad ang kilay ko. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Bar namin 'to ni Jerick, di ba? May-ari ako rito, di ba? So, bakit nagtatanong?"

Oh, shit. Oo nga pala. Ang stupid ng question. Yeah, it was Jerick and Clark's bar. Co-owner si Clark since kanya ang capital nitong bar. Inutang ni Jerick sa kanya ang halos kalahati ng pampatayo rito. Pero rare ko siyang maabutan dito kasi madalas siyang umiikot sa Manila at Makati.

"Kanina ka pa rito?" tanong ko.

"May inventory ako ngayon. Kanina pang umaga ako nandito. Ikaw ang bakit nandito? Problema?"

"Ang taba ko na," sumbong ko sa kanya habang nakanguso.

"Talaga?" Bigla niyang pinisil-pisil ang waist part ko. "Ang cute ng bilbil mo."

"Clark!" Mahina kong pinalo ang braso niya. "I hate you!"

"Hahaha! Ex mo, o. Kita ko rito."

Fuck. Pati pala siya, nakita rin.

"Singilin mo nga," utos ko. "Sayang gastos ko diyan."

"'Yan, magbo-boyfriend ka na lang, yung palamunin pa."

"Shut up." I rolled my eyes and finished my cocktail. Gusto ko pa sanang damihan kaso ayoko ng beer belly. Nakakadagdag lalo ng bilbil ang alcohol, nakakainis.

"Na-stress ako sa suits sa wedding," reklamo ko habang titig pa rin kina Ivo.

"Pansin nga namin. Hindi ka nga raw lumalabas ng shop mo, sabi ni Early Bird."

"Kakatapos lang namin sa last batch last week. Ang taba ko na."

"Parang hindi naman."

"May bilbil na nga ako, epal ka."

"Hindi naman halata."

"Paano mo mahahalata, hindi mo naman tinitingnan."

"E, bakit ko naman titingnan, aber?"

"Hnngg! Ang taba ko na . . ." Mangiyak-ngiyak ako habang nakatingin kay Ivo na may kasayaw na ibang babae. Maganda naman. Maliit ang tiyan.

Hnngg! Buti pa 'yon, walang bilbil!

All of a sudden, nadako ang tingin sa amin ni Ivo at napahinto siya sa pagsayaw. Ang talim ng tingin ko sa kanya saka ako umirap. Magpasalamat siya, hindi siya nilumpo ni Kuya. At magpasalamat din siya dahil sinamantala ni Mum ang breakup naming dalawa.

"Buti pa siya may girlfriend na," sarcastic kong sinabi. "Ako, until now, pa-swipe-swipe pa rin sa dating app."

"Same, hahaha! 'Tang ina, kasalanan talaga 'to ni Tita Tess. Kahit hindi ka na pala magsuot ng chastity belt, basta maka-deal mo lang si Tita, mapapailag ka na lang talaga sa mga babae. Dama ko na kuya mo ngayon kung bakit single 'yon nang sobrang tagal."

Tinapik ko agad ang dibdib ni Clark na nasa likuran ko pa rin, pero nagulat ako, may iniinom na siya pagtingala ko. "Uy, ang tahimik ni Mum, in fairness. Canceled na plan niya?"

"Not sure," he replied and put his glass beside mine on the table.

"What do you mean by not sure?"

"Sabi ko kay Tita, magpapakasal lang ako after ni Leo. Nag-agree naman siya."

"Pero matagal pa ang wedding nina Leo, right?"

"Exactly."

I looked at him suspiciously. Ang tagal pa ng wedding nina Kyline. Financial reason. And besides, okay lang kina Kyline ang setup na live-in muna sila ni Leo. Workable nga iyon for them kasi hindi consistent ang schedule ng dalawa.

So does that mean na matagal pa ang itatakbo ng wedding plan if Mum agreed to it?

Well . . . that was okay for me. Ang tahimik nga ni Mum! Sa sobrang tahimik niya, nakakapagduda na.

"Sab!"

Napatingin agad ako sa harapan. Parang hinatak pataas ang hininga ko nang makitang papalapit sa amin ang grupo nina Liselle kasama si Ivo.

"Long time, no see, girl!"

"Yeah," I answered, uninterested.

"Hi, Clark!" Liselle greeted.

"Hi!" Clark responded in a cheerful tone. "Having fun?"

"Absolutely! You're with Sab?" Liselle pointed at me.

Clark exclaimed, "Yeah!"

Of course, not.

"Sorry, I take Ivo here, ha. No offense."

Don't give me that bullshit no offense, baka sampalin kita diyan.

Liselle was grinning, mocking me and my remaining patience. Kagagaling ko lang sa exercise, huwag niya 'kong iinisin, kanina pa ako naiinis.

Ivo was avoiding looking at us. For sure, kasi nasa likod ko lang si Clark na bumugbog sa kanya. He was too coward not to file a case against Kuya and Clark.

"By the way, boyfriend ko na pala si Ivo," Liselle said.

Wow. May pagpapaalam na nagaganap dito.

E, sino 'yong kasayaw kanina ni Ivo? Another prospect girl?

"Iyong-iyo na, walang aagaw," sagot ko sabay taas ng kilay.

"Oh. Okay?" Liselle raised her brow and crossed her arms. "I heard single ka pa rin until now. Move on na, girl."

"Who told you na single ako?" mataray kong tanong, at talagang nao-offend ako!

"Ang tahimik kaya ng social media accounts mo after ng breakup ninyo ni Ivo. Unusual, ha."

Letse ba siya? Siya kaya ang tumapos ng seventy pairs of wedding suits na ginagawa ko! Akala ba niya, magpapakita ako sa IG ko na mukha akong haggard every day!

"You better go," Clark suddenly said, and waved his hand to Liselle. "She's with me."

"Clark, alam naming best friend ka ng kuya ni Sab."

"Wala namang nagtatanong. Ang sabi ko, umalis na kayo. Ayokong magtawag ng security."

"You're boring," Liselle said and shook her head. Umalis na rin sila as if Clark rain their parade.

My attention shifted to Clark, judging him. "Akala ko, sasabihin mong boyfriend kita kasi nandito si Ivo."

"Sab, hindi ka main character. Huwag kang assuming." Saglit niyang tinapik ang noo ko saka siya umalis sa likuran ko.

"'Kainis ka!" Hinabol ko siya ng hampas sa likod saka niya ako tinawanan.

But one thing bothered me about the whole interaction. Liselle called Clark boring.

That would be the last adjective anyone could come up with to describe Clark. I knew he could do worse, pero hindi niya ginawa. Madali lang kay Clark na barahin at yabangan si Liselle pero . . .

Sinundan ko siya sa second floor ng bar. Marami pa ring tao, karamihan ay sumasayaw sa mas malakas nang sound na pinatutugtog ng DJ. Clark really looked like he wasn't here for a drink. From the crowded part of the floor, dumeretso siya sa dulo na halos wala nang kailaw-ilaw na hall saka ko siya tinawag.

"Clark."

Saglit siyang huminto saka lumingon sa akin.

"O? Ba't nandito ka?" tanong niya.

"May upuan ka diyan?"

"Malamang meron, opisina 'to."

"Can I stay there?"

Hindi agad ako nakakuha ng sagot. Narinig ko siyang nagbuntonghininga saka niya binuksan ang makitid na pinto sa dulo saka ako inaya sa loob.

"Thank you," mahinang pasalamat ko.

That office wasn't that huge. Mas malaki pa ang office ni Jaesie sa café. Parang 8x8 lang ang laki. Ang dami pang table na puro paper at folders.

"Office mo 'to?" tanong ko habang nililibot ng tingin ang buong paligid.

Nakapatay ang main light. May nakabukas lang na lampshade na nakatutok sa office table. Makalat doon at ang daming nakapatong-patong na mga papel.

Lahat ng business permits nila, nakasabit sa wall. So, yeah. The place is legal and operates in line with laws.

May long tuxedo couch sa gilid at round glass table sa harapan. Doon ako naupo habang umikot pa si Clark sa may table para ipunin ang lahat ng folders na nandoon.

"Akala ko, gawa-gawa mo lang 'yong inventory," sabi ko.

"Sana nga. Inaantok lang ako sa ginagawa ko rito."

I wondered if everyone who knew Clark was aware of this serious side of him. O baka itinatago lang din niya 'to sa kanila because he was always that playful guy who took things as a joke.

"Every day mo bang ginagawa 'to?" tanong ko.

"Ngayon lang kasi weekend, saka 15 kasi. Next na punta ko rito, sa 30 na."

Oh, I see. Sahod nga pala. I get it.

The whole room smelled like Clark. And his perfume was that annoying, seductive cologne. It smelled so good that I wanted to slap him a hundred times for being annoyingly sexy just by smelling him.

He didn't even bother wearing grand clothes. Naka-dark green polo shirt lang pala siya ang black cargo shorts. Nag-o-office siya na mukha lang siyang maggo-grocery?

Lumilibot ang tingin ko sa buong office nang mapansin ko ang round window sa likuran ng office table. Tumayo ako at pumunta roon para makita ang labas.

"Wow . . ." Napahawak ako sa glass window habang nakikita ang party sa ibaba. Pero mukhang hindi iyon sakop ng lote ng bar kasi may sementong bakod na harang sa ibaba namin. "Food hub ba 'yang sa kabila?"

"No. Private compound 'yan. Birthday party lang talaga 'yan ngayon."

"Ah . . ." Dadaan sana ako para makabili ng—shit, diet nga pala ako.

My God, bakit ba inaaway ako ng pagkain?!

"Anong oras mo balak umuwi?"

Napatingala agad ako sa kanan at nasalubong ang tingin ni Clark, at sobrang lapit niya sa akin.

Biglang nakulob ang hangin sa pagitan namin at uminit agad. Ang seryoso ng tingin niya. Napapatitig ako sa mata niya at sasaglit sa labi.

Habang iniisa-isa ko ang bawat parte ng mukha niya, nasasabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi na ito ang Kuya Clark na nakilala ko.

Malayo na siya sa binatang 'yon ngayon.

"Sab . . ."

"Hmm?"

"Tinatanong ko kung anong oras ka uuwi."

Napalunok ako at saglit na umiwas ng tingin. "Maya-maya?" Saka ko ibinalik ang titig sa kanya.

I was expecting him to say anything. He was staring at me, and I was staring back. But after a few seconds, he shrugged and finished fixing his table.

It bothered me a lot that there was this weird attraction building up between us. I mean, parang ibinabalik niya ang matagal ko nang kinalimutan, and I didn't want it back because it broke me big time way back before I realized it was wrong.

He was quiet . . . and serious. I could hear Kuya's friends saying their half-meant jokes na magseryoso nang lahat, huwag lang si Clark. Because they already knew something wasn't right when he started shutting his mouth.

"Sorry if my mom's keeping you from other people's company," I sincerely said, following him as he roved around the file cabinets, sorting the folders he was holding.

Wala siyang isinagot. At mas lalo lang akong na-bother kasi hindi ako sanay na hindi siya sumasagot unless galit siya.

"You can say something kahit degrading. Open-minded naman ako," sabi ko sa pananahimik niya.

"Believe me, Sab, hindi maganda ang tumatakbo sa utak ko ngayon." Then he continued sorting the folders.

"Are you still mad at me?"

"May couch diyan, puwede kang maupo. May phone ka, mag-phone ka."

"You don't need to be this cold towards me. Alam kong may fault ang family ko, at kung masama ang loob mo sa ginagawa sa 'yo ni Mum, puwede mong sabihin sa 'kin directly. You don't have to fake everything sa harap ng lahat, tapos kapag tayo na lang, magiging ganito ka na—"

"Alam mo kung bakit ayokong magpakasal sa 'yo?"

Natahimik ako. Seryoso ang tingin niya nang lingunin ako mula sa window area.

"Kasi pakiramdam ko, maling-mali." Tumango-tango pa siya, pinaniniwala ako. "Bini-bring up ni Tita Tess na matagal nang napag-usapan 'to. At alam mo kung gaano katagal? Napag-usapan 'to noong mga time na bawal pa. Kasi kung two, five, six years ago, matatanggap ko pa, e. Pero hindi. You've asked for it, and Tita Tess held on to it for a very long time . . . and it happened noong bata ka pa lang at hindi na 'ko bata no'n."

May kung ano sa lalamunan ko na hirap na hirap akong lunukin. Biglang umapaw ang luha sa mata ko at ako na ang naunang mag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya.

"Everything about it felt wrong, Sab. At uulit-ulitin ko sa 'yo, huwag na huwag kang mai-in love sa 'kin. Kaya kitang alagaan habambuhay kung 'yon ang gusto ni Tita, pero ayokong pakasalan ka. May better na lalaking para sa 'yo, at hindi ako 'yon."

♥♥♥