I could feel everyone's gloom pagsapit ng umaga. Hindi ko alam kung may mga pasok sila. But it was Saturday, so maybe some of them didn't have a class to attend.

Wala yatang umuwi sa kanila aside kay Calvin. Si Calvin lang ang iba ang suot at halos lahat sila, kung ano ang shirts kahapon, iyon pa rin paggising. Nakaupo si Clark sa sofa, may yakap na throw pillow habang ginagawang unan ni Patrick ang balikat niya. Si Will, nasa sahig naka-Indian sit habang nakalapat ang isang pisngi sa mababang center table, parang bigat na bigat sa ulo. Si Ronie, nasa kitchen na tanaw pa rin naman namin. Naghahanda siya ng breakfast para sa lahat. Si Leo, sabi nila naliligo, pero halos dalawang oras na siya sa bathroom sa second floor, hindi pa rin lumalabas.

Nasa sala ulit kami ng tinutuluyan ni Leo, and it looked like Calvin was the only one who could be in his usual compared kina Ronie. Malamang kasi na sanay si Calvin sa kung ano man ang nangyari last night. He admitted that he knew Elton as one of the handlers ng gambling activities na pinasukan niya. And what Leo did last night was just . . . nothing compared to what happened to Calvin before.

By thinking about what happened between Leo and me as "nothing" for Calvin, ibig sabihin, mas malala pa ang napagdaanan niya kaysa sa amin ni Leo.

But just because he experienced the worst doesn't mean he invalidated our trauma. Nag-warning naman na pala siya bago sila mapunta sa stag party na 'yon. Leo was the one who persisted in taking his money from Elton. Hindi naman daw nila masisi kasi hindi rin naman murang halaga ang eighty thousand. Two weeks na niyang hinihintay ang pera pero wala pa rin siyang natatanggap. And after what happened last night, mas lalong wala na siyang matatanggap pa.

"Dude, safe pa ba tayo?" tanong ni Will na nakatanaw sa labas ng bintana ng sala.

"Hindi naman tayo sinaktan," sagot ni Clark. "Gusto kong sabihin sa erpats ko 'to."

"Hindi tayo puwedeng magsalita," seryosong paliwanag ni Calvin. "May record tayo kina Elton pati kina Jackson. Kapag nagsumbong tayo, ilalaglag din nila tayo. Kung ayaw n'yong makulong nang maaga, tahimik muna tayo, okay?"

"Kailan ka uuwi, Ky?" tanong ni Ronie mula sa kitchen.

"I can't go home right now. Makikita ni Mommy ang bruises ko." Napatingin agad ako sa ilang parte ng hita, tuhod, saka braso ko na kung hindi nangungulay green, nangungulay violet naman gawa ng ilang beses na pagkaladkad at pagtulak sa akin sa table saka sa sahig. Hindi masakit kung hindi gagalawin. Kapag hinahawakan ko kahit marahan, saka kumikirot. Kanina lang kumulay ito, pero kagabi, halos pula lang. Maga pero wala pang pasa.

Leo didn't hurt me like Elton's company did all these bruises, even if he said that he was the only one who could hurt me last night.

But I was thankful that it was only Leo who did . . . that. Hindi ko alam kung gugustuhin ko pa bang mabuhay kung pinilahan ako kagabi.

As we talked about where I should stay in the meantime, napatingin agad kami sa hagdanan nang pababa na si Leo.

"Dude . . ." Clark called, and we all looked at what he was holding. May dala siyang metal baseball bat.

Deretso lang ang tingin ni Leo nang magtuloy-tuloy siya papunta sa pinto ng apartment.

"Leopold!" sigaw ni Ronie, at siya pa ang naunang tumakbo para habulin si Leo na kalalabas lang ng apartment.

"Leo!"

Ang panic na hinahanap ko sa kanila kagabi, ngayon ko lang nakita nang sabay-sabay nilang hinabol si Leo palabas.

"Calm the hell down!" Ronie's shout woke up the fear in me early in the morning, at parang ibinalik lang ng sigaw niya ang lahat ng memories ko kagabi.

Leo was shouting too, itinutulak palayo si Ronie para makalampas siya palabas ng gate.

It broke my heart to see them break piece by piece.

I knew the boys. They were just those bubbly college guys who wanted to enjoy their college life like other students experienced it.

I always imagined Ronie, cramming for his thesis, pero nakakangiti pa rin sa iyo kapag titingnan mo siya, just so you feel that he was fine—that everything was fine.

Not this Ronie with deadly glares who wanted to put his friend to sleep with just one punch.

Ang lakas ng pagkakatulak niya kay Leo hanggang matumba ito sa front yard ng apartment.

"Tingin mo, maaayos mo 'to nang ganito, ha?" galit na galit na sinabi ni Ronie at siya pa ang dumampot ng baseball bat saka ibinato sa dulong part ng bakod ng apartment.

Galit ding sumigaw si Leo at mabilis na tumayo. Sinugod niya si Ronie saka sumuntok.

"Hoy, Leo!"

Sina Clark, Calvin, at Will na ang pumigil kay Leo. Umiiyak akong tumakbo sa kanila para ako na ang humarang kay Ronie.

Pero hindi naman sumugod si Ronie, masama lang ang tingin niya kay Leo na umiiyak na rin habang sumisigaw.

"'Tol, tama na!" Calvin was almost hugging Leo and pushing him away from Ronie at the same time. He was strongly tapping his back as if he could release all of Leo's anger from his body.

Leopold Scott was that cold college arki student who didn't care about anyone else's feelings aside from himself. If it didn't concern him, it wasn't his business.

Those sharp eyes were flooded with tears and misery. His shouts weren't about telling people he hates to avoid him; instead, they were full of anger and the willingness to take revenge on those who wronged him last night.

This is not you, Leo. This is not you.

At tingin ko, hindi na niya kahit kailan masasagot ang tanong ko kung masaya ba siya sa gulong pinasok niya, kahit pa hindi niya iyon nasagot kahit na kailan.

•••

PINAUWI NA muna nila sina Patrick, Clark, at Will. Naiwan sina Calvin at Ronie sa apartment kasama namin ni Leo.

Tahimik lang si Leo na nakatulala sa may bintana habang nagpaplano sina Calvin at Ronie ng gagawin sa akin—sa amin.

Leo wasn't in good shape mentally. I could handle things better than Leo, I must say. Siguro kasi . . . when I was a kid, alam ko na ang feeling. Somehow, there was fear, but not as traumatized as how Leo was coping right now.

When I was five, some guys broke into our house in Antipolo. They pointed guns at my dad, shouting things I barely understood. Even my mom, a policewoman with a high rank, kneeled calmly and told the bad guys to take what they wanted and not harm us.

The bravest and strongest lady I've ever known begged for the safety of her whole family in the middle of the night.

That was when I accepted that no matter how brave and strong some people are, hindi nila kailangang lumaban para masabing matapang sila kung may iba pang buhay ang nakasalalay kapag pumalag sila.

And at this point, only Ronie and Calvin had that mindset, while Leo wanted revenge for what happened.

"Gusto mo bang tawagan na natin si Coach Wally?" mahinang tanong ni Calvin kay Ronie. "Duda akong matatahimik 'yan si Leo rito."

"Kapag tinawagan natin ang daddy ni Leo, baka sisihin lang din siya," paliwanag ni Ronie saka nilingon si Leo na tahimik pa rin sa tapat ng bintana.

"Dude, hindi ako puwedeng magtagal dito. Alam mo namang may kino-conduct akong program ngayon."

"Baka hinahanap na rin ako ni Mum. Wala akong phone," sabi ni Ronie habang kunot na kunot ang noo at hindi mapakali kung saan titingin. Doon lang dumako ang tingin niya sa akin. "Ky, okay ka na ba? Hindi ka namin puwedeng iuwi. Si Leo lang ang may bahay sa aming hindi kasama ang parents."

"Sasamahan ko na lang siya rito," sabi ko.

"Kaya mo ba?" nag-aalala nang tanong ni Ronie.

"Kaya naman siguro."

Inilabas agad ni Calvin ang phone niya. "Um, personal phone ko 'to. Nandiyan ang contact ng isa kong phone para sa ano . . ."

Gusto ko sanang itanong kung phone ba sa pambababae niya ang tinutukoy niya, pero hindi ko na itinuloy.

"Basta, search mo sa contact, Calvin-Business. Call that. Nasa bahay naman ako, iyon muna ang gagamitin ko. Tawagan mo 'ko kapag may mangyari, ha? Aayusin muna namin lahat."

Tumango lang ako kay Calvin. "I understand."

"Dude," tawag ni Calvin at saglit na tinapik ang tuhod ni Ronie na nakaupo sa katabi niyang sofa. "Sabay ka na sa 'kin. Hatid na muna kita sa inyo. Tingnan muna natin kung paano 'to reremedyuhan."

"Much better."

Ronie bid his goodbye, gave me a warm hug, and so did Calvin. They reminded me na kapag may nangyari o kung sakaling mag-attempt na naman si Leo na umalis o kung saktan ako, hampasin ko na raw ng kahoy sa ulo para makatulog.

And I really thought that was a joke. Unfortunately, it was not.

The following hours were bearable because Leo was quiet. I knew we both didn't like what happened, but I think he was broken more than I was.

Kumuha ako ng tubig para sana ibigay sa kanya. Hindi pa kasi siya nadadaan ng kitchen mula pa kaninang paggising.

"Leo . . ."

Halos mapatalon ako nang tabigin niya ang kamay ko saka siya malakas na sumigaw. Bumagsak ang wooden chair na inuupuan niya nang tumindig siya sa harapan ko.

Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan habang pinandidilatan siya at ang kamao niyang nakaangat sa hangin at akmang susuntukin ako.

"Bakit—"

Kusang bumagsak ang mga luha ko at hindi makakilos. Nanginginig ang kamao niyang gusto ko nang saluhin kung ikagagaan ng loob niya.

Mas lalong sumakit ang dibdib ko nang bigla na naman siyang umiyak nang tahimik sa harapan ko saka dahan-dahang lumuhod.

"I wanna die right now . . . please kill me now . . ."

If only he knew how much I wanted to see him for the past three years. And I never wanted to see him again in this kind of situation.

Alam kong hindi maganda ang naging trato niya sa akin noon, pero kung ganito lang gumanti ang tadhana sa kanya, bakit pati ako, nasasaktan?

Bakit kami pa?

♥♥♥