When I was young, I really believed that love was a magical feeling that anyone could feel. I dreamed of a perfect family with the one I really love the most.

Even if my parents separated, I never felt incomplete. They never let me feel that I wasn't enough for them to stay with each other. My mom and dad were there for me. There was Tita Hellen, and Tita Shannon as my second mom. Manang was there as well, as was Gina, who treated me as her younger sister—which was a bit odd since she's my mom's partner.

As time went by, I started to think about how love and family function together. That, if there was love in the picture, why did my parents separate? What broke our family when everything was okay? If breaking up was consensual, what were the deciding factors they came up with for them to separate ways?

My mom still loves my dad. And my dad loved her too, up until now. Hinahanapan ko ng tamang sagot ang tanong na kung mahal pala nila ang isa't isa, bakit sila naghiwalay?

My young heart couldn't grasp the idea of loving each other, but you decided to love each other from afar.

But later on, I came to the point where I felt like it was the best thing to do. Na hindi pala puwedeng mag-rely ang relationship sa feelings alone. And marriage is not something that you can taste for a moment and discard if you don't like it anymore.

Love isn't enough. Because loving each other and growing together are two different stories. We can love anyone, but that doesn't mean we can grow with them.

And maybe Mom and Dad loved each other, but they never grew together. That was why they decided to grow apart—even if that meant leaving a kid in the process. Although none of them left me, I already understood why they had to part ways.

Buwan din ang inabot bago ako maka-recover. Therapies, medicines, emotional and physical support, halos lahat ibinigay sa akin.

I would never discredit Leo for the effort he put into taking care of me while I was in my darkest moments. Sabi nga ni Manang, tanga na lang ang magpapakawala kay Leo.

But it wasn't about stupidity anymore. Ayokong maging selfish dahil lang bine-baby ako ni Leo. He was doing everything for me, even if that meant he had to sacrifice a huge part of himself just to pamper me.

Hindi madaling magkaroon ng anak. Lahat ng pinangarap ko noong teenage days ko, lahat nasira ng realidad na madaling mangarap ng anak at pamilya pero hindi madaling pangatawanan kapag nandiyan na.

Although it's a blessing, but no matter how prepared you are, hindi mo na rin masasabi kapag nandiyan na kasi iba pa rin ang firsthand experience.

Buwan ang inabot bago ko na-forgive ang sarili ko; bago ko matanggap na kailangan naming panindigan si Eugene kasi buhay na siya.

Siguro, sa ibang expected mommies, happy sila at excited. But my baby was unexpected, at sa sobrang alanganin ng timing, hindi siya kinaya ng mental health ko.

Hindi lahat ng inaasahang maging mommy, masaya after giving birth. Postpartum depression is not a joke, and I was lucky enough to have someone to rely on. Because honestly, if no one was there for me, I could have killed an innocent child.

But that dark phase was already over. I always said sorry to Eugene for thinking of getting rid of him. Naiisip kong baliw na siguro ako para maisip iyon.

I accepted my fate. Now, I have to tell Leo my decision for the both of us.

Leo took us on a vacation. Ilang months din niya akong dinadala sa magagandang lugar para hindi ako nakukulong sa bahay. Kasi sabi nga ng doktor, hindi helpful for me na nakukulong sa iisang lugar na nakasanayan ko na.

We go out. He took me on dinner dates. There were times na kasama si Eugene, there were days na iniiwan namin ang baby ko kina Tita Hellen kasi gusto ni Tita ng baby. Saka kami magbabakasyong dalawa for a night. Kung hindi man, isinasama niya ako sa mga barkada hangout nila. Hindi kami nagtatagal nang sobra sa dalawang araw kasi nagbe-breastfeed pa rin ako kay Eugene.

We had a family day today, and we were sitting on the balcony of a cabin. Madalas piliin ni Leo ang bakasyon namin na kung hindi sa beachfront, sa mapunong lugar. Something na sure siyang mare-relax ang mind and soul ko kahit within Luzon area lang.

Magubat sa parte ng cabin namin. Kandong-kandong ko si Eugene habang siya naman ang nagsusubo ng baby food dito. Naka-indian sit siya sa harapan ko habang nakaupo ako sa acapulco chair na kinuha pa niya mula sa loob.

"Leo."

"Hmm?"

Hindi siya tumingin sa akin. Busy kay Eugene.

"March na. Kailan ka mag-e-enroll?" tanong ko, nakatingin lang sa kanya.

"Titingnan ko. Baka hindi muna."

"Ga-graduate ka na sana ngayong darating na year."

"It's okay."

"It's not."

Saka lang niya ako tiningnan dahil sa sinabi ko. "Ky . . ."

"Balak kong kumuha ng work kay Daddy next month."

Napahinto siya sa pagsubo ng pagkain kay Eugene. Inaabot na ng baby namin ang kutsara sa kanya.

"May work naman ako," sabi agad niya.

"I know. But it's not about your financial capacity, Leo. Ilang months mo na akong inaalagaan. Actually, it's been a year. Feeling ko, ang useless ko na."

"Ky, please, not now . . ." Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at nakikiusap ang tingin niya.

Pero desidido na ako. "I want to work. Ayokong umasa lagi sa 'yo. Ayoko ring umasa kina Mommy at Daddy. I want to do this on my own."

"Pero si Eugene . . ."

"Aalagaan ko pa rin si Eugene. Tita Hellen wants to take care of him too, so I'll take that opportunity to work. Kung hindi kay Daddy, kahit sa flower shop ni Tita Hellen na lang ako papasok for now. Looking for a store assistant din siya. I can assist her with the floral arrangements. Marami naman akong kilalang companies na kailangan ng flowers for every event."

"Ky, nag-usap na tayo tungkol dito, di ba?"

"Leo, ayokong maging stagnant just because I have you or I have my parents. Sana maintindihan mo 'yon."

Ayokong maging housewife lang na maghihintay ng grasya sa bahay. Maybe some ladies wanted that, and I didn't want to judge them if they wanted to stay at home. But I want something more for myself.

"Twenty-one pa lang ako, Leo. Ang dami ko pang gustong gawin sa buhay ko. And you should do things you love too."

"Puwede naman nating gawin nang magkasama, di ba?"

"I want to do this on my own. Magkaiba tayo ng gustong mangyari sa buhay. And if ever there's something I will ask from you, it's your support in my decision about this one. Masusuportahan mo ba 'ko?"

He didn't answer.

Not in a second, not in a minute, not in an hour.

Yes, Leo is a strong man. He's everything every woman would wish for. Pero mahirap kasi 'yong inuubos niya ang sarili niya para lang sa akin kahit na kaya ko naman ang sarili ko.

He stopped growing when he started to nurture me. And really, loving someone never equates to growing when all you ever did was supply something to someone when you yourself couldn't provide it for yourself.

Mahal ko si Leo pero ayokong hanggang dito lang kami. Hindi ako pumayag na magsama kaming dalawa dahil lang kaya niya akong buhayin—o kaya niya kaming buhayin ng anak namin.

Umuwi kami na tahimik lang siya. Hindi ko alam kung galit ba siya o masama ang loob kasi pinipilit ko ang gusto ko.

Sinabi ko na sa kanya, kung ayaw na niya, puwede na siyang umalis any time, hindi ko siya pipigilan kasi karapatan din niyang sumaya kasama ang iba.

It was a hard decision for both of us kasi may baby na nga kaming dalawa. But maybe love is never enough for a person to stay where they are. Because after a few days of giving me his silent treatments, Leo ended with a resolution to give me the freedom to do what I wanted to do.

It was our usual night, kapapatulog lang niya kay Eugene sa nursery, and I was pumping for milk para sa stock for tomorrow. Leo was combing my almost-dried hair after the bath. Nakaupo kami sa playmat, sa gitna ng mga stuffed toy at malalaking unan.

"Ky . . ."

"Yes?"

"Nakausap ko na si Tita Hellen."

Hindi ako nakasagot. Natulala ako sa sahig.

"Baka lumipat na ako sa bahay ko next week. Mag-eempake na ako bukas."

Bumigat ang paghinga ko dahil sa balita niya. Ibig sabihin, hindi na siya titira dito sa bahay namin.

"Mag-e-enroll na rin ako next week. Ihahabol ko ang hindi ko na-take na subjects last year."

"Much better," was all I said.

"Sabi ni Tito Addie, baka dalhin ka niya sa Hong Kong kung sakali."

Tumango lang ako.

"Two months lang daw 'yon. Mabilis lang naman ang flight papuntang Hong Kong. Kami muna ni Tita Hellen ang mag-aalaga kay Eugene."

Ang bigat ng buntonghininga ko saka tumango na naman. Naramdaman kong hinalikan niya ang kaliwang balikat ko at tinapos na ang pagsusuklay sa akin.

"Payag na ako kung gusto mong mag-work . . . kung saan mo gustong mag-work."

Matipid akong ngumiti nang lingunin siya. "Thank you."

Tinapos ko na ang pag-pump ng gatas at hinayaan na si Leo na asikasuhin iyon para dalhin sa ref.

I could feel Leo's dismay kahit pa hindi niya sinasabi. His aura was too strong to let me feel that he was against it but couldn't do anything about it.

Nauna na akong mahiga sa foldable mattress na katabi ng crib. Sa kabilang kuwarto dapat kami natutulog kaso mahirap kasing lalabas pa kami para lang lumipat sa nursery room.

Pagbalik ni Leo, inayos pa muna niya ang ilang mini bolsters sa crib ni Eugene bago lumapit sa kung saan ako nakahiga. Umurong pa ako sa dulong-dulo para hindi niya ako maabot, pero siya naman itong kinuha ang braso ko para lang palapitin ako sa kanya.

Inilalim niya ang kaliwang braso niya sa may ulo ko at saka ako niyakap. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang bigat ng pakiramdam niya. Parang ang daming laman ng dibdib niya na ayaw lang niyang pakawalan.

"Payag na akong umalis ka . . ." bulong niya. "Pero sa 'kin ka lang uuwi, ha? Doon lang ako sa bahay. Hihintayin kita roon."

Sinubukan ko siyang tingnan mula sa pagkakayakap niya sa akin.

"Leo . . ."

"Kahit matagal, okay lang. Bubuksan ko lagi ang phone ko. Tawagan mo 'ko any time."

I could hear Leo's voice trembling. It was a hard decision, but it was the best thing for us. Ayokong maging toxic kami sa isa't isa, na nagkikimkim ako ng mga sama ng loob just because I didn't do this now.

Gusto kong gawin ito habang kaya ko pang panghawakan ang kung anong meron kami. Gusto kong ibigay niya ang support niya sa akin kasi mahal niya ako at tanggap niya ang desisyon kong gawin ito para sa sarili ko. Kasi ayokong dumating kami sa point na wala na talaga akong nakikitang future sa sarili ko kasama siya kasi hinayaan lang niya akong mag-rely sa kanya habambuhay.

Ayokong makulong sa regrets ko kasama siya. We both deserve our freedom, and this is my way of setting myself free—even if it means that I have to leave him for now.

♥♥♥

When love wasn't enough for us to be together, inisip ko na agad ang nangyari sa parents ko.

Dad married another lady. Mom married another lady too. Hindi madaling tanggapin sa society ang setup, but they worked on it, and they proved that everything is workable as long as mutual ang decision. Kasi may mga family na mas pinipiling maging toxic para lang masabing buo. From my parent's perspective, they chose what was best for them.

Sacred ang marriage, yes. But the sanctity of it couldn't save a relationship na hindi na kayang i-workout. At hindi ko masabing pinabayaan ako in the middle of the process of separation. Wala akong grudge sa kanila kasi hindi nila ako iniwan sa ere dahil lang naghiwalay sila.

Sa setup namin ni Leo, ayoko munang ikasal kami kahit na gusto na niya. Sobrang complicated din kasi ng situation para ituloy nang sobrang aga.

Ayoko ring sukatin ang commitment namin sa isang taon lang na pagsasama. 20 ako noong nabuntis. 21 noong nanganak. Ang dami pang puwedeng mangyari sa buhay naming dalawa ni Leo kasi ang bata pa namin.

Selfish siguro na isipin ang growth naming dalawa nang magkahiwalay, but it was the best decision we've done in our early twenties. Hindi ko siya tinanggap as a boyfriend, but we settled as good friends at that time.

We were co-parenting with Eugene. Umabot pa sa point na gusto nang ampunin ni Tita Hellen si Eugene, pero ayaw ni Leo kasi gusto niyang sa apelyido pa rin ang surname ng baby namin at hindi Chua (under ng name ni Daddy). Gaya ng nangyari sa akin, hindi naramdaman ni Eugene na wala siyang parents o hiwalay ang parents niya.

After I went back to the Philippines, weekends, kami ng daddy niya ang kasama niya. Weekdays, sobrang daming nag-aalaga sa kanya. Nandoon si Eugene kay Tita Hellen, kay Mommy Filly, sinasama siya ni Gina sa outing nila ni Mommy, at kay Clark na laging nag-aalaga sa kanya mula pagkapanganak. Basta kung sino ang libre sa amin, sila ang kasama ni Eugene. And he traveled a lot more than I did kahit sobrang bata pa niya—which was my dream for him before he was born.

Bumalik sa school si Leo. One and a half years ang kinailangan niyang tapusin, and I built my own travel agency online. Ang ka-partner ko sa business, si Leo at si Clark din. Clark was a surprise, though. After three years, may collaboration na kami ni Daddy, and Leo helped me built a logistics company. It wasn't that huge na makikipagsabayan sa bigtime logistics company sa bansa, but it was operative. Leo's whole barkada helped us make it possible kasi lahat sila nag-invest into it. The next year, kami na ang official shipping group na nagsu-supply ng food and beverage products ng mga Dardenne at mga Chua. Even the gun shops of my mom, nanghingi pa kami ng permit legally to import and export licensed firearms.

25 kami ni Leo nang mag-decide kami na mag-live in. But living in together was a bit complicated for us kasi biyahe ako nang biyahe, minsan kasama si Eugene kapag wala siyang school. Magtagal man kami sa bahay, mahaba na ang one week. Leo, on the other hand, was busy making his lesson plans and other things kasi nag-part-time professor siya sa dalawang subject sa private college. The rest, business na namin ang inaasikaso niya. Five days, kasama niya ang anak namin, two days ako ang kasama. Every summer, nire-reserve na namin ang buong two months para sa aming tatlo.

We were both busy, and we came to another point where we wanted to live on our own. Kasi parang masaya na kaming dalawa sa kung ano lang ang meron kami. Walang hassle, walang pressure, okay kami.

Hindi na siya gaya ng pinangarap ko noon. Malayong-malayo.

Doon ko lang na-realize ang setup ng parents ko at kung bakit may times na si Mommy ang kasama ko, may times na si Daddy lang.

Ine-explain namin kay Eugene iyon. Ayaw naming nagtatanong siya at wala kaming naisasagot. Ayokong magtanim siya ng galit sa amin gaya ng nangyari kay Leo at sa parents niya.

We were privileged enough to have such a life. Hindi naman luxurious, but enough to reach our dreams without having a hard time getting them.

Ilang beses na kaming nasabihan at natanong ni Leo kung kailan kami ikakasal.

Single kaming dalawa until our 29th birthday. Ine-expect ko ngang makakahanap siya ng iba habang wala ako, but he held his phone every day, talking to me or with Eugene. Na kahit gaano kami kalayo sa isa't isa, hindi ko na-feel na wala siyang time for me.

Kahit noong nasa Canada ako nag-training for three months, hapon sa amin pero madaling-araw sa Pilipinas. I would call to greet him good morning, and even if he was sleepy, he would take time to ask me how was my day so far.

Everyday.

For the whole decade.

Christmas vacation ng buong barkada nila noong nagbakasyon kami sa Caliraya. Marami kami that time. Yung ibang kasama nila, hindi ko kilala. But we had fun.

Nag-propose si Leo that afternoon, na parang walang effort kasi tinanong lang niya ako out of the blue habang nag-iihaw kami ng tilapia for lunch.

Sabi lang niya, "Ky, pakasal na tayo."

Tinawanan ko siya kasi akala ko, joke lang. Nag-iihaw lang kasi kami.

Nagulat ako nang maglabas siya ng singsing—na wala pa sa box! As in nasa bulsa lang niya! It was gold ring with a 24-karat diamond in the middle.

And I was like, "Really, Leopold? Right in front of these tilapias?"

"Ayokong maging audience ang barkada ko. Whole day nila akong aasarin. At least, itong mga tilapia, tahimik lang."

Leo and his weird trips.

I said yes. Because . . . why not?

And . . . maybe we were a bit excited about the marriage part . . . something happened that night.

In February next year when we learned that we were having another baby. And I am glad that it wasn't a struggle this time for both of us. Mas na-excite na ako kaysa natakot.

And this time, sinabi ko na sa sarili ko, kay Leo na lang talaga ako. Supposedly, 32 kami dapat ikakasal. However, extended ang agreement namin nang one year kasi gusto naming ring bearer ang bunso namin.

Eugene hugged me from behind and asked me, "Mimy, can I play with Ninong Clark?"

"Kay Ninong Clark?" I looked for Clark. They were sitting at the other table, and they were playing video games—at Mel's wedding.

Napatingin agad ako kay Leo na busy sa pagkain niya. "Naglalaro daw sina Clark. Gusto ni Eugene."

"Where's your phone?" Leo asked our son.

"Inside my lunch bag."

"Where's the lunch bag?"

"In the car."

Leo took his phone and dialed.

"Ay, put—!"

Nagulat kaming lahat sa sigaw ni Clark sa kabilang mesa.

"Dude!" Babatuhin sana niya si Leo ng pinitas na ubas sa gitna ng dining table nila pero natigilan siya pagkakita kay Eugene sa likod ko. Imbes tuloy na ibato, mabilis niya iyong isinubo saka ibinagsak ang phone sa table.

Natawa na lang ako kay Clark saka napatingin kay Leo na chill na naman sa pagkain niya.

"Kumain ka na?" tanong ni Leo kay Eugene.

"Yes po."

"Where's your Lola Filly? Di ba, dapat kasama mo siya?"

"She's talking with Mommy Tessa po. She said, I'll play with Ninong Clark daw muna."

Natawa ako nang mahina nang pandilatan ni Leo ang mesa. Malamang na naiinis siya kasi kay Clark tinuturo ang anak namin. Para pa naman sa buong barkada nila, best option na siya saka si Ronie kung guidance lang ang pag-uusapan. Ni wala nga sa option nila si Clark, pero top of the list 'yon lagi sa parents nilang lahat.

"You go to the car and take your phone. We'll play with Ninong Clark."

"Yey! Thank you, Dada!"

Pinanood lang namin si Eugene na mag-jogging palabas ng malaking dining hall kung saan kami nagla-lunch. Sana lang hindi siya maligaw kung saan ang table namin. Madali naman niya kaming mahahanap, kilala naman ang daddy niya ng lahat ng attendees.

"Ang daming tao," sabi ko kay Leo.

Napasimangot lang siya saka inubos ang natitirang laman ng plato niya.

"50 lang ang ii-invite natin next year, ha?" Nagpunas na siya ng bibig bago uminom. "Ayoko ng ganito karami. Iiyak lang si Luan sa ganito."

Natawa ako nang mahina. "For sure."

"Si Eugene, inaway ng pamangkin ni Melanie. Buti hindi mapagpatol 'yon."

The mother of that kid insisted na masyado na raw matanda si Eugene para maging ring bearer, kaya ibinigay na namin. May point, but the ring bearer of Mel's wedding was a bit chaotic. Nasa gitna pa lang ng aisle, ibinato na ang unan na may singsing sa sobrang pagkairita.

Sana hindi maging ganoon si Luan. Mana pa naman sa daddy niyang masungit din.

"Ma'am, excuse po, pasensiya na."

Inabot agad ni Leo ang kamay ko at inurong na ang upuan ko para makadaan ang malaking cart. May hatak-hatak ang tatlong waiter at dalawang chef na malaking cake na may castle at carriage sa gitna.

Dinig na dinig namin ang bulungan sa paligid dahil ibang level ang wedding cake nina Mel at Pat.

"Naririnig ko na ang rant ni Tita Tess sa cake ni Jaesie ngayon pa lang," natatawang sinabi ko pagkandong ko kay Leo.

"Ayoko ng ganyang cake," sabi ni Leo at kinuha ulit ang kamay ko para tingnan iyon isa-isa. Nagtagal na naman siya sa pagtingin sa kaliwang kamay ko at sa singsing na nakasuot doon may dalawang taon na.

"Ready ka na ba next year?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"Sure na ba?"

Nginitian ko lang siya. "Kapag hindi na nagsusungit si Luan, sure na."

"Para mo na rin sinabing ayaw mo na talagang magpakasal sa 'kin," masungit na sagot niya. "Sa dami-rami naman kasi ng pagmamanahan ng batang 'yon . . ."

"I-expose mo kasi kay Clark para bumait."

"Okay na, sa akin na lang siya magmana. Baka ma-underdevelop pa ang anak ko kung kay Clark ko ipagkakatiwala."

"Hahaha! Ang bad mo talaga."

May perfect time para lahat. And I'm hoping, by next year . . . puwede na.

♥♥♥

The end of Kyline's POV

♥♥♥

A/N: Hindi iyan minadali. Limited lang talaga POV ni Kyline kasi 40+ chaps ang kay Leo.