It was my graduation day, and I was isolated from everyone. The whole complex was full of people cheering and crying and congratulating each other, and there I was—may tatlong security guard na nakabantay. All of them, may mga shotgun pang sukbit sa balikat. I was sitting in the far right corner. My parents were sitting beside me, and no one was allowed to go near me as per the school admin's instruction. Tatawagin na lang daw ako kapag aakyat na sa stage.

Ngayon lang ako nagpasalamat na hindi ko nakuha ang cum laude na target ko dahil sa dalawang subject na pasang-awa na lang ako. Kulang kasi sa requirements since two months din akong hindi nakapag-comply nang maayos.

I was supposed to celebrate by now. Yet, umakyat ako sa stage, kumuha ng diploma, nakipagkamay sa mga admin ng school, at tiniis ang anxiety na sa dami ng tao roon, ako lang ang may full security, as if may teroristang balak pumatay sa akin.

Hindi ko nakasama sa graduation practice ang mga ka-batch ko. Binanggit ang program. Maliban doon, wala na. Nasa bahay lang ako naghihintay.

In-expect ko na ngang hindi ako makaga-graduate, pero mas malala ang nangyari kaysa expectation ko.

Para akong babaliwin ng anxiety. Yung feeling na kahit ilang guards pa ang mag-cover sa akin, pakiramdam ko, lahat ng tao, sa akin nakatingin. Lahat sila, may sinasabi tungkol sa akin. Lahat, nagtatanong:

Bakit siya nandoon sa corner?

Bakit may mga guard siya?

Ano'ng meron?

Or worst . . .

Siya ba yung na-rape sa night club?

Siya ba yung nasa news?

Kaya ba siya may guard?

Drug den ang pinuntahan niya. E di, nagda-drugs siya?

Nakakahiya naman, ga-graduate pala 'yan?

I didn't want to overthink, pero hindi ko talaga maiwasang isipin ang iniisip ng iba sa akin.

There was a baby inside my body now. This baby wasn't planned or even wanted.

Kahit pa gaano ko kagusto si Leo, hindi ko kayang lunukin ang katotohanang magkakaanak kami nang wala ni isa sa amin ang ginustong magkaanak kami.

Buong ceremony, ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Binibilang ko ang bawat pangalang tinatawag, iniisip kung paano ako tatayo, paano ako maglalakad, paano ko haharapin ang lahat para mag-bow nang hindi iniisip kung lahat ba sila, nagtatanong na "Bakit nandito 'yan? Di ba, hindi na dapat ga-graduate 'yan?"

In the middle of overthinking, I said to myself, sana hindi na lang ako tumuloy. Baka puwede ko pang makuha ang diploma ko kahit wala ako sa ceremony. After all, nakapag-present ako ng thesis ko, naipasa ko naman ang practicum ko kahit pasang-awa.

Three hours ang itinagal ng ceremony. Paglabas namin ng complex, ang mga friend ko, nakatanaw lang sila sa akin. Pagtingin ko sa kanila, ngumiti ako nang kaunti. Sumamâ lang ang loob ko nang mag-iwas sila ng tingin pagkatapos ay nagtawanan nang sila-sila lang habang papunta kami sa van na service namin.

Friends. Or not really.

At that point, inisip ko na siguro, kung nandito lang si Lesley o kaya si Jules, baka may kasama pa rin ako.

Ang kaso, nauna nang gr-um-aduate si Jules last year pa. Si Lesley, nag-stop kasi financial problem. The rest na akala ko, friends ko . . . hindi pala totoo.

"Hi, Kyline!" I stopped walking when I saw Ronie carrying a bouquet. He looked so professional in his smart casual suit. "Congratulations!"

Ronie looked at my parents na kasabay ko lang na naglalakad. Kahit sila, napahinto rin at napatingin kay Ronie na nakatayo malapit sa van namin.

"Dardenne, right?" Mom asked, and she sounded like how she talked to Leo with disgust and annoyance.

"Yes, Miss Brias. Good morning." Ronie confidently smiled, and like Leo, he didn't look so threatened by my mother.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?" Nagkrus pa ng braso si Mommy. Nailipat ko agad ang tingin ko kay Ronie.

"Last session po ngayon ng therapy ni Leopold. Nabanggit niya na may checkup ngayon si Kyline after the ceremony. Ako po muna ang sasama."

Natawa si Mommy pero sarcastic habang umiiling at nakatingin sa kanang direksiyon namin.

But Ronie didn't look bothered. He smiled at me as he gave me the bouquet of different flowers.

Inayos na nina Daddy ang ilang dala nila sa loob ng van at sinabing maghintay muna ako sa labas bago sumakay.

Ronie and I stood by the parking lot, waiting for my dad to fix my toga and other things they had received during the ceremony. Ang iba, ibinigay ng director ng school. May mga regalo rin silang natanggap na meant for me pero huwag ko raw munang bubuksan kasi baka iba ang laman.

Si Ronie at ang bulaklak lang na bigay niya ang natanggap ko na nakapagpangiti sa akin after my anxiety-induced graduation rites. I really appreciated the gesture. Ang tagal kong hindi siya nakausap. Hindi rin kasi siya sumasagot sa mga message ko sa IG.

I was looking at the other graduates na nakatingin sa direction namin. And my overthinking attacked again, thinking that maybe they were assuming Ronie as my someone special or something. Kilala ko naman sila. Aware ako sa kung paano sila mag-isip. Na kada may makita silang ibang tao na may kasamang iba rin, ginagawan na agad nila ng istorya. At ang malala, ang ginawa nilang istorya, ipagkakalat pa nila sa iba.

"Nare-receive mo ba ang mga message ko, Ronie?" awkward kong tanong, naiilang na nakatingin sa kanya.

"Message . . . where?" His forehead creased and he looked like he had no idea about those messages I was talking about.

"Sa IG mo?"

"IG na anong account?"

"Yung IamHadesD?"

"Oh! Wait, hindi mo ba nakita 'yong notice—" He didn't continue what he was talking about and nodded. "I see, hindi mo nga nakita."

Nagtataka naman akong tumingin sa kanya. Hindi ko nakita ang alin?

"Hindi ka active doon?" tanong ko.

"Well, actually, pina-turn down ang account. Hindi ko na hawak 'yon ngayon. Inactive na rin after what happened last February. Hindi lang ako, buong barkada. I have my new account, send ko later. Alam ko naman ang IG mo . . . I guess?"

Oh.

Kaya pala walang . . .

I see.

Rico has a car, and he followed our van hanggang sa clinic. After that, saka pa lang kami magla-lunch like what Daddy said.

Pagdating sa OB, pinaghintay muna kami sa waiting area dahil may kausap pa si doktora.

My dad was standing, arms crossed, and so was Ronie. Si Mommy, nasa labas ng clinic, naninigarilyo. Hindi niya kasama si Gina kaya wala siyang ibang stress reliever ngayon maliban sa sigarilyo.

"Senior year mo rin ba this year?" tanong ni Daddy kay Ronie.

"Graduate na po ako last week," masayang sagot nito.

"Oh, congrats! Balita ko, kinukuha ka agad ni Enrico sa company niya."

"NGO po muna ako ngayon, and busy rin sa review. By August po kasi, licensure exam na rin."

"Oh, nice. Good for you. Iba pa rin ang may lisensiya."

Ronie has that confidence na gustong-gusto ng lahat. But I knew him well. His confidence is something someone needs to avoid if they don't want to experience humiliation from a Dardenne's mouth.

"By the way, how's your friend?" Daddy asked. "I mean the Scott one."

"Oh, si Leo po? Hmm." Ronie bit his lip and nodded, as if thinking about the answer to my dad's question. Ako ang kinakabahan sa pinag-uusapan nila. "Aside from sleeping pills, binigyan din siya ng antidepressants. But he's doing great. He's still active. Ayaw niyang stagnant siya, so he's still productive kahit nasa recovery pa rin."

"Pero mukhang hindi pa siya okay."

"We're not forcing him to be okay. I mean, what he's going through right now is something na hindi puwedeng madaliin."

"Hindi ba siya nakakausap ng parents niya?"

"Labas na po kami sa personal matters ni Leo, Tito. Ayoko pong pangunahan." Biglang lumapad ang ngiti niya matapos bumaba ang tono. "But he's working on it. He's trying, and he wants to take full responsibility for whatever it is na kailangan niyang panindigan." Saka siya tumingin sa akin. "Kilala naman siya ni Kyline. Kilala namin ang anak n'yo. Na-explain na namin na hindi unang interaction ang nangyari last February. Maraming adjustments, but I hope you'll consider Leo kahit hindi pa siya totally okay. And if something bad happens again habang nasa ganitong recovery stage pa lang siya, we'll back him up. Hindi naman siya mag-isa rito. Kaya naming humarap sa inyo dahil hindi naman kami guilty at masasamang tao."

At that moment, I could see Daddy's eyes full of admiration at Ronie's stand about Leo.

"Enrico's lucky to have you as his son," Dad complimented.

"He sure is." Then Ronie gleamed and winked at me.

Ronie will forever be the father figure to his barkada. And Leo was so lucky to have him as his friend.

Tinawag na kami sa loob ng office ni Doktora Anne. Si Mommy, hindi raw muna papasok kasi amoy yosi pa.

Dad and Ronie remained, and I felt at ease kasi wala si Mommy para mata-matahin si Ronie habang nagpapaliwanag ang doktor.

But Ronie was too comfortable with everything, mas marami pa siyang tanong sa doktor kaysa kay Daddy.

"Yes, as much as possible, calcium, vitamin C, . . ."

"Folate, fiber, vitamin B6," Ronie continued, looking at me, "wala ka pa namang morning sickness, 'no?"

"Wala pa naman" sagot ko.

"Good. Potassium, yeah. I'll try to make a banana cake for you. Or oatmeals. Magdadala ako ng oatmeal. May ibang version ako ng oatmeal na bagay sa buntis."

"Are you the—" Tinuro-turo pa ni Doktora Anne si Ronie at ako.

"Friend po," sagot agad ni Ronie.

"Oh, I see. Doctor? Nurse?"

"Nutritionist."

"Wow. Nice. Saan ka naka-assign?"

"Fresh graduate po."

"Ah . . . I see."

Doktora Anne looked so invested in Ronie, hindi na kataka-taka. Iba ang ngiti niya habang sumasagot si Ronie sa kada sinasabi niya. Parang kahit hindi pa niya dapat sabihin about sa akin at sa baby, nasasabi na niya kasi parang napipilit siya ni Ronie na magsalita tungkol doon.

Kaya siguro kahit tapos na ang checkup, parang ayaw pauwiin ni Daddy si Ronie.

"By the way, Tito, this is for Kyline." Then Ronie took a basket full of fruits and another huge container full of different foods.

Ang lapad ng ngiti ni Daddy. Si Mommy, nangunguwestiyon ng tingin sa ibinibigay ni Ronie.

"I took some notes sa sinabi kanina ni Doktora. I'll give Kyline healthy food sa next visit."

"Gusto mo bang mag-dinner sa bahay?" alok ni Daddy na dahilan kaya napataas ang kilay ko.

"Adrian," singhal ni Mommy sa kanya.

"Ronerico is a good kid. Why not?" depensa ni Daddy, na parang gusto ko na ring kontrahin.

"It's okay, Tito. Dadaanan ko rin si Leo ngayon. Babalitaan ko sa checkup."

"Ganoon ba? Sayang naman."

"Sige po, I'll go ahead na. Ingat po sa biyahe!"

Ronie has a car. He graduated from a good school with a good course. Son of a rich man, smart, witty, and financially stable at a very young age. He knew what he was doing, and I guess that was enough to gain sympathy from my father.

"Ronerico is a good kid," Daddy said while driving. "Ang dami nilang napag-usapan ni Anne. Puwede siguro akong magpa-appoint ng dalaw kay Enrico minsan."

"That kid is a gambler, Addie," kontra ni Mommy sa kanya. "You don't trust a gambler."

"He's not doing drugs! Negative naman sila ng friends niya, right?" Dad retorted. "Bata lang 'yon. Normal lang ang pustahan."

"And they were inside a drug den."

"Because like what they all said, may sinisingil doon."

"And you justify that?"

I was in the backseat, hearing my parents argue. It wasn't the first time I heard them shout at each other, but it was never the reason why they broke up.

"Do you like Leopold better than Ronerico?" Dad asked, and I almost leaned in front of him to check if he was serious about that.

"I don't like any of them! You can't trust kids who know illegal things here in urban Manila."

"And your kid was there that night giving drugs to some guy they encountered. And let me remind you, positive sa cannabis ang anak mo. You really don't trust kids these days, huh?"

"Adrian!"

Daddy was dropping some bombs I wasn't ready to hear. And somehow he was right.

Naroon lang sina Leo at naniningil. Compared to me . . . who really knew what was happening and felt guilty about it.

I didn't want to overthink, but everything was giving me reasons to do so. I failed my parents, and even though I didn't want them to feel like they failed in giving me a better life kahit separated na sila, pakiramdam ko pa rin, sinisisi ni Mommy ang sarili niya kasi sa ganito ako bumagsak. To think that she came from a field with strict disciplines, pero sarili niyang anak, hindi niya nadisiplina nang maayos.

Maybe I failed them.

Or I did . . . because I chose to.

♥♥♥