scars of the past.
I accepted my current fate, having no motivation to fight back. A blindfold was thrown over my eyes, I had the ability to escape, but I didn't. I was just so... drained.
After a while the blindfold was yanked off, my eyes were exposed to a light too suddenly, making me cover them. "Oops, I'll dim the lights for you," I heard Jungkook clap, showing off the technology of the place. "How kind of you," I said sarcastically, noticing I was being held in a cell.
"It's nice isn't it? Perfect to hold someone like you, and it's right in front of my bed so I can keep an eye on you," Jungkook said. "What's the purpose of this? What is keeping me behind bars going to stop?"
"It stops me from being in the risk of getting arrested every other second. As you've told no one about me except my boys, with you here all will be well for me." He explained, sitting down in front of the jail walls that separated me and him. "Are you hungry?"
"I don't know what's on the menu?" I replied sarcastically, not so keen of the animal-like treatment. "Your favourite dish-"
"Zip it with the dirty jokes," I cut him off before he even finished, "I was going to say we're serving Biryani but ok," he responded confusedly. "I just- I just assumed you were referring to your dick," I was quite flustered at my own dirty mind.
"Oh c'mon Byeol."
"That's for desert."
He chuckled making me roll my eyes before turning the other way to release a small smile. "So how long are you planning on keeping me hostage?" I asked. "Why, do you hate being with me that much?" He tilted his head.
"Well I can't say I'm particularly fond of spending all my days with the person who put my worth so low that he chose blood over me." I faked a smile, resting on the mattress they laid on the floor.
"Do you actually think that was the only reason? That I wanted blood?" He questioned, tone of disappointment as if he'd expected more from me. "If there truly is another reason for why you did what you did, enlighten me," I told him.
"On the day that my mother was murdered, the first thing I did was carry her lifeless body to the CIS. I begged them to help me find her killer. I sat in the chairman's office for 3 days straight covered in the dried up blood of my mother, with her body in my hands. I pleaded them, I don't plead anyone but I begged them. To help me put my mother's soul at a rest by finding her killer. But they watched, and ignored me as if I didn't exist. And I didn't leave by choice, they kicked us out, because my mother's body started to rot." Jungkook suddenly started going into detail about that day.
He crossed his legs, staring at me through the cell. "My own mother's body rot in my arms, in the very office you put me in. You put me in charge of the organisation that wronged me, in a room that gave me anxiety attacks from the PTSD. You didn't think twice about that did you?"
"Jungkook I- I'm so sorry, why didn't you say anything?" I couldn't even say anything, the guilt weighed me down so heavily. "Why lie for an entire year? Was it so hard to communicate with me? Was I that hard to talk to? I was ready to throw away my everything for you, what made you think I wouldn't be understanding?" I stood up straight, looking into his eyes.
"Because, what would you have done? Taking me off the CIS would mean the entire government coming to assassinate me, secretly taking me off would be idiotic. Getting me a new office wouldn't change the fact that I would be in the position of the same heartless man I kneeled in front of," he explained.
"So you preferred lying and sneaking around?"
"Yeah, it was quite fun actually. Thrilling. It was even more fun to see no one notice, not even my love. It really showed me the reality of life, that in real life no one notices your pain, just the mistakes, just the evil." His gaze expressed how disheartened he was, as if we're disappointed at me for not reading his mind.
"You can't scream in silence and then complain when no one hears you."
I spoke straightforwardly, he can't blame me for a decision he didn't object on. "Isn't that what love is? A language only 2 can understand without words, was it so hard to see my uncomfortableness? To see I didn't belong?" He asked.
"Isn't love about communication too? I can't read your mind Jungkook I'm not a saint, it's your duty to tell me about those things," I replied.
"I guess love just isn't for us then,"
"I guess not."
We both clenched our jaws, how did him finally spilling his feelings lead to an argument? We really were the definition of toxic. We took deep breaths, sighing in sync, conveying our frustration. Not with each other, but with ourselves. When did everything go so wrong? Or was it really damned from the start?
"So it's true then, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love," I uttered, so tired that tears naturally built up in my eyes. Betrayal, the feeling of someone belittling everything you did for them, heartbreak and guilt. It all overwhelms me, is this my punishment for falling in love? For falling for him?
"Grief? Neither of us are dead?"
"I am, not physically no, but you have mentally killed me in ways I knew not possible of. I am dead. My soul remains and you are all it knows of, but hey. Do what you want. I was the one who chose to give you my heart, play with it, destroy it, or love it. It was only yours to do so with in the first place."
I was numb, my ability to fake a smile fading. "I really am sorry, for everything, you must regret loving someone like me," he sadly chuckled, running his hands through his hair.
"You think I regret loving you? Are you are so naive as to think that?" My eyes met with Jungkook's, creating another crack inside my heart.
"To love and lose is to live, but to not love at all is pure cowardice. And although I am many horrible things, I am not a coward. I've lived, there's nothing to regret about that." I explained, fidgeting with my fingers.
"If you don't mind, could I say something?" I hesitantly spoke, not knowing if it was my place to say what I wanted to. "Go on," Jungkook raised his eyebrows, curious at what I was going to say. This was probably the most needed conversation ever.
"We all have horrible chapters in this book of life. But that's part of life no? The point is to say fuck it, and keep turning the pages because the cycle of life includes the bravery of moving on. If we don't turn the page we get trapped into a terrifying place, and the only person who can get us out of there is ourselves," I began, confusing Jungkook as he didn't know where I was going with this.
"What happened to your mother cannot be put into words, that's how tragic it was, I don't wish that on my worst. And in no way am I telling you to get over it because I can't speak on a pain I haven't experienced. But you're destroying yourself in the name of getting justice for her. You're so obsessed with your demons that you're pushing away the handful of angels in your life. That's foolish." I finished, hoping he'd understand me.
"You're right. I am, I am a fool, I have destroyed myself. You tried earnestly to piece me back together so I apologise for refusing to be fixed. My soul won't be at rest until I kill the murderer of my mum, until I kill the person who made me this way. Until I kill the person who pushed me to be so evil I took the lives of so many for no reason. Not until then Byeol." He got up, sitting at the edge of his bed.
"Let me know if you need anything," he told me, "you're being rather nice to a hostage." I tried to lighten the mood but it didn't work so well. "It's not a punishment my love, I'm just securing my wellbeing." He informed me, laying down after shutting the lights. I looked over at my mattress, a thin blanket with a single pillow, I tutted before attempting to get comfortable.
jungkook pov.
I know I hurt her. It wasn't hard to see how broken she was, but there was no going back, there was no fixing a relationship that shouldn't have started in the first place.
Heading to dream land was hard when my mind was full of the things she said. All the wise words that I should heed to. My eyes frequently peeked to the cell opposite my bed, it was a simple jail wall that separated me and her. Right when I thought that my mind would keep me up all night, I actually fell asleep.
*sobs*
It was about 4am when I was awoken by sounds coming from the cell across the room. She was having a nightmare. The small whimpers turned into sobs, tears dripping out her eyes endlessly while she was still asleep, confined in a dream. I listened to her cries, it was a natural reflex for my body to want to get up and go over to her, to comfort her.
But that's not my position anymore. And I don't care.
I took a pillow and covered my ears, putting the blanket over me more tightly. But I could still hear her, her cries, her begging for someone to stop. She was so loud her screams echoed in my ears, giving my goosebumps at how painful they sounded. Because I couldn't sleep, and only because I couldn't sleep did I get up and get the keys for her cell.
I quickly unlocked it and knelt down to the height of her mattress. "Wake up Byeol," I slightly tugged at her blanket. She shot awake, startling me with how she jot up. She was scared, it was evident in her eyes, it was the first time I'd seen that. Fear wasn't an emotion you'd see floating around in orbs like hers.
Her entire body was trembling, her eyes shut tight as if she would rather die than see the sight in front of her. She must've heard the footsteps of one of my guards walking past the room because she immediately started smacking my chest, attempting to defend herself.
I grabbed her wrists harshly, yanking her into my embrace as I caressed the back of her head.
"It's ok, it's just me, you're safe,"
"Please, please go, run," her voice quivered, breath hitching from how hard she was currently crying. She had noticeably woken up from a dream of terror, a dream where she was suffering. Yet after waking up she pleaded me to run, instead of pleading to save herself from whatever was going on.
What was she asking me to run from? What was this dream that had shaken her up so much? Was it her past? She's still haunted by the memories.
She let go of the hug, pulling out my embrace after calming herself. Her expression was dispassionate, she was numbed by the pain that attacked her in her dreams, a place she sat most vulnerable. She sighed, blinking away the remains of the tears that rested in her eyes. "Please," she began softly, placing her warm hand on mine.
"Save yourself from me."
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