dying.
byeol pov.
I had a nightmare. A horrible one. Do all dreams feel so real? Do they torment everyone like they do me? They probably don't, not everyone has faced the things I have.
Which is a good thing.
I hate the world. Who doesn't? But I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy to go through what I did, what they did to me. Which was why I adjured Jungkook to save himself, to get away from me. I looked at the open cell door, it was the perfect opportunity to run but once again like the time at the warehouse. I was drained, I didn't feel the urge to run. I've lost all passion.
"Just go back to sleep," I pushed Jungkook away, I saw the look in his eyes. He was distressed, he hadn't seen me like this before, no one had. Why would I show anyone my weakest side? That's foolish. He hesitantly got up, not saying a word, I didn't know if he was speechless or if he chose to keep his words in. But he silently left me. I watched him tuck himself back into bed, but I knew he wasn't going to sleep.
Quite frankly neither was I. I faced the wall, my back turned towards where his bed stood. Silence screamed. Our mouths shut yet our minds were eager to shout their thoughts aloud.
next day
I was already wide awake when the sun crept up. I lay flat, staring up at the ceiling blankly, letting myself think about life with the nothingness that surrounded me. "Morning,"
I swivelled my head to the side to see a shirtless Jungkook dry his face with a towel. I wanted to reply, but I just couldn't. What was happening to me? Why have I lost all will to do anything at all? My mouth slightly opened but no words came out. I just nodded to let him know I acknowledged his presence. He slipped a couple boxes through the gaps of the cell.
"Don't skip your medicine. Can't let your heart kill you before I do," he smiled ever so slightly, throwing in a bottle of water too.
"Well then you'll have to kill me soon," I replied mindlessly, reaching for the medicine. "What does that mean?" Jungkook's face became serious. "Oh right, you don't know do you,"
"I'm dying."
I watched his expression drop as I tiredly wore my fake smile, chugging down the medicine. That was what Baekhyun had to tell me before he left, that I didn't have much time left. "Don't just say something like that and not go into detail," Jungkook threw his towel onto the bed and approached my cell wall.
"My heart is rotting. Unless I get a transplant within the next 6 months I'm gone, for good. Yay," I sarcastically spoke, too tired for the start of the day. "Then get a transplant," he ordered me.
"Why?"
"What?"
"Why? Why should I get a transplant? I have no reason to, I have no quality of life. I have nothing left. Nothing to live for," I uttered words, shattering my own heart into small fragments.
"Plus it's not that easy, even if I did wish for a transplant to find a match is difficult. People wait years to find a donor of the same blood type, what makes you think I can find one in a couple months?"
"What makes you think I can't? It can't be so hard, what's your blood type again? A positive? I'll just gather a couple hundred idiots and rip out the first heart that matches your blood type-"
"What is wrong with you?" I cut him off, "we hate each other, don't forget we're in the middle of war. Don't forget you have me held captive in the middle of nowhere. Don't forget you wish to kill me. Don't save my life while intending to take it, that's psychotic." I told him, frustrated with his behaviour.
"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? What happened to the girl who defeated death itself countless times? How can you give up on yourself?" He lectured me.
"BECAUSE. Better I die than others. Better me dead than remembering those I killed mercilessly. Better me dead than you." I exhaled deeply, rubbing my eyes. I watched him put on his shirt quickly, passing me some food for breakfast.
"I'm not hungry."
"I don't care. Shove it down your throat before I do, I'm not going to let you worsen your health by starving yourself," he glared at me, telling me with his eyes that he would lose his mind if I didn't finish my meal.
"What is it to you? Whether I starve or die, it should be none of your business. Not anymore," I replied, rolling my eyes. "You aren't allowed to die on me, not this soon, now shut that pretty mouth and eat," he ordered.
"Make me."
I chuckled, finding amusement in his care for me. We didn't even mention last night's incident because it would bring awkwardness, but it was nice. To have someone pull me out of a nightmare instead of suffering through the same bullshit through the nights that seemed to elongate whenever I had bad dreams.
"You'd like that very much wouldn't you," he smirked, tilting his head. For a split second I let myself get lost in those doe eyes, clearing my throat before grabbing the platter of food. I lifted up the lid on the plate, it revealed a meal. And not just any meal, the first meal me and Jungkook ever had together. The first normal date we went on. I watched him eat innocently, did he even remember the meal we had back then?
Why would he? Foolish of me to think even for a second he'd remember. It was a loaded fried egg BLT, it was built so high I remember both of us having to open our mouths like you do at the dentist's to even get a bite. The more I reminisced the past the faster tears built in my eyes. I took a bite, chewing it slowly while feeling the single tear run down my cheek. But before it was noticed I wiped it away.
"Finished."
I spoke, mouth full of the bites of the sandwich I practically shoved in my mouth. Jungkook lifted his head, gaze filled with a sense of proudness that I finished my meal. "Good girl," he smiled, knowing how much I hated being called that.
"Good girl my ass, do I look like a fucking dog?" I gave him what he wanted, a snarky reply, the corners of my lips slightly tilting up because this was us. This was the banter I fell in love with. Jungkook took back the plates, putting them away before sitting back in front of the cell.
"You said you know nothing about me, now I'll let you know. Let you know of why you aren't the worst person I know, the reason why I'm the person that frightens me the most despite all the monsters I've met."
I randomly spoke, resting back on the mattress as I prepared myself to tell my story.
"When I was taken in by the CIS I was 14. I went through a year of hardcore training, they said I already had 'talent.' A talent in fighting, which made it easier to be trained. Within a year I became the best anyone had ever seen, I was able to take down people 3 times my size with 3 times my experience. This made me the target of a certain experiment."
"The Hera and Ares programme."
I paused, was I really going to tell him this? I have to. It's the only way to get back the stupid laptop, Jungkook's a horrible person, he's a psycho but after hearing detail of what I went through. He'll give it back. He has to. If a piece of the person I fell in love with still sits inside him, he will.
"It was illegal. And I didn't want to do it but what choice did I have? How could I speak on it when I myself stood an illegal resident in South Korea? Every time I attempted to refuse they threatened to throw me back to the north, and my 15 year old self thought that was the scariest thing in the world, so I agreed," I continued.
"What were the experiments? Who was behind it?" He questioned, "Shadow. They wished to make puppets, an army of them. They saw fiction and attempted to turn it into reality, they wanted us to obey like dogs. And the only way to do so was to make sure we had no choice, the experiments meant we couldn't control our own actions," I replied.
"It's called mental reconditioning. A process where you implant a string of phrases into someone's brain. Where you embed words so deeply into someone's head, that it numbs a part of their brain, the part that makes decisions, including your consciousness. After hearing the words the listener becomes completely obedient to the speaker." I gritted my teeth, angry at how I was used.
"How can they shut down a part of your brain? How is that even possible?" He asked, "I don't know. I was too busy being experimented on to ask, next time I see the scientist I'll ask- oh wait, he's dead." I rolled my eyes, before sitting up, crossing my legs.
"Our minds have 2 stores of memories, personal memories which include faces, names, experiences, and impersonal ones like skills, facts." I attempted to explain the basic information that I knew.
"So what they needed to do was get rid of the personal memories, because they thought those were the ones that made us weak. You wouldn't go into a war that could kill you if you knew your life meant something to someone else, you couldn't kill your best friend if they asked you to because of personal memories."
"So the point was to get unconditional loyalty? So not only could they have you under control but they could have you kill even your family under their command?" He raised his eyebrow, "bingo."
"The only way to get those memories to die was to have your brain shut them off, now you're going to ask how," I said, noticing Jungkook's mouth slightly opening.
"There's a real life occuring phenomenon in which someone undergoes something so traumatic that their brain cannot handle it, it's so painful that it just, shuts it off. The humanity. Shuts off. Personal memories are what make us who we are, it makes us human. Without them we become tyrants, brutes."
"What they did was find out our most painful memory, and electrocute our bodies while they replayed those personal memories in our head. It associated pain with personal memories, so as expected our brain shut them off, leaving us to be controlled by a couple words, eliminating everything personal during the process. They put us through the most excruciating pain they could, pushing us to the brink of death but not actually killing us. That's more painful than death. Being ready to die but you don't." I expounded.
"The trigger words were practically injected into our veins, hearing them would have the same effect they did years ago because they were burned inside our heads. Our brain still associates those words, our personal memories, with pain. If someone said those words I would relive the most painful moment in my entire life, I would physically feel everything I went through at the moment, and I would shut it off, unwillingly for 24 hours. Then it would turn back on, but for 24 hours I would become a killing machine. A weapon to be used. A dog on a leash. Someone that wouldn't remember the faces of who they killed."
"Which memory of yours did they use to torment you?" He tilted his head.
"Being raped. At the age of 11. I didn't want to tell them what I had been through. But the way I would flinch at any man's touch back then... It wasn't so hard for them to guess it all and carve out more information from me. I was one of the only ones who survived the experiment, because my experience was traumatic enough to make my brain switch off. For 9 months, I felt the pain of being raped, again and again and again." At this point my hands were shaking, I couldn't believe I got myself this far without crying.
"Where are the trigger words now? They're gone right? I mean everyone knows Shadow are back in town that can't mean- they couldn't possibly have them?" Jungkook started to worry, "you have them." I spoke simply.
"Huh- you mean- the laptop?" His eyes widened, hand naturally flying to cover his mouth. "Do you understand why I need that laptop now? Please, you have to give it to me," I bit the inside of my cheek, releasing a breath as I realised something from the expression on his face.
He didn't have it anymore.
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: AzTruyen.Top