Monday (again)

Berry stood outside his (used to be Niall's) office door. Behind the closed door, he could hear evidence that Allegra had ignored his fairly straightforward concerns about the dog: a sort of snorting, snuffling sound that didn't feel native to the office environment.

Fraser, Head of Accounts (except Pharma, which now belonged to Berry), was on his way to his own office next door. He saw Berry hesitating in the hallway and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Mondays, eh? Don't worry," said Fraser in an attempt at solidarity. "Nothing in there waiting to bite."

If only we could be sure, Berry muttered to himself, pushing through the door and closing it quickly to avoid another 'no hard feelings, we're brothers now' chat with Fraser who had taken the news of Berry's promotion to Head of Pharma Accounts with exceeding grace. Of course.

Berry looked around the interior of his office suspiciously. On the basis of every Hollywood dog movie he'd ever seen, he was expecting an apocalyptic scene; everything within reach chewed, scattered and slobbered all over. Strangely, his office appeared intact. It did smell weird, though.

The source of the snuffling Berry had heard from outside sat civilly in the middle of the floor, making frank eye contact with him. What struck Berry immediately, right after the smell, was that Allegra had lied on two counts:

This was no puppy.

It wasn't, by any measure he could imagine, gorgeous.

What it was, in fact, was an astonishingly muscular little barrel -- the size of a small beer keg -- on stumpy legs. Brown eyes peered out from what seemed to Berry to be an overabundance of face: folds and jowls hung everywhere like meaty curtains. Its flopped-over triangle ears pricked up when Berry cleared his throat and prepared to introduce himself.

"Hum..." he started, unsure exactly how animals liked to be approached, never having had one. "I'm Berry. Who are you, then?"

The beer barrel angled its massive head as if trying to translate Berry's question. Its right jowl hung slackly, and a solitary drip of saliva stretched downward (there it was -- the Hollywood drool).

Berry instinctively bent over and stuck his hand out. He thought maybe he'd seen people approach strange dogs like this in the park.

The rust coloured beer barrel shuffled toward the man's outstretched hand and gave it a sniff. Finding it treatless, the beefy animal shuffled away and heavily thudded down onto the Union Jack upholstered dog bed that had appeared beside the desk. It gave a long, heaving sigh as if it bore the weight of humanity on its broad shoulders.

Keeping one eye on the dog, Berry moved to the other side of the desk and stowed his messenger bag in a drawer rather than under the desk where he normally would. On the desktop, he found a note from Allegra.

Isn't he adorable? I've been calling him Henry, but your girls can think of something better. Tell them he's an English Bulldog though and deserves something regal.

Yours, A

As usual, Berry found her lack of concern for secrecy alarming. The tighter he tried to jam the lid on, the looser she seemed intent on making it. He needed to fix this, as his Dad had advised, before everyone found out.

Berry sat in his chair and sighed.

"What are we going to do about this situation we've got ourselves into, Henry?"

Recognizing his name, Henry raised his huge head. At the same time, he released a loud thwaaat of air from his rear end.

"Very regal, Henry," Berry observed wryly. "Really very kingly."

***

At 10 am, after Berry and Henry had scrutinized each other from a safe distance for most of an hour and Henry had finally fallen asleep, Otto knocked and entered.

"Hey-o," he said, smiling. "Just popping in to see how the Grand Poobah of Pharma's doing today? Miss you down there on the... Jesus, it stinks in here, Ber."

Berry gestured at the slumbering source of the stink.

"Otto, meet Henry. I wouldn't wake him up if I were you. He seems to be less flatulent when he's sleeping, somehow."

"Wow," Otto nodded appreciatively, then sneezed vigorously. "That is one hell of an animal. Look at him. Head the size of a mini-safe."

Berry nodded. That was true.

"Where'd you get him?"

Ah. Now, that was a question to be answered carefully.

"Oh... I..."

Allegra knocked on the open door and beelined to the dog bed, waking Henry up and eliciting an excited fart. If Henry'd had a tail (which, as a bulldog, he did not), it would have been thumping with delight at seeing his special lady friend again after several hours' parting.

"Henry, Henry, Henry, you gorgeous smelly boy. Mumma missed you this morning!"

Otto raised his eyebrow at Berry.

"Is this your dog, Allegra?" Otto asked, keen to understand the beast's parentage, suddenly.

She lifted a hand which she had been using to rub Henry's ears and waved vaguely.

"No, not exactly. I've given him to Berry. An executive welcome gift!"

"Well!" said Otto, clapping Berry on the shoulder like he was a new father. "That's certainly... something."

"Bertrand, I'll be expecting you and Henry both to be present at the Heads' huddle this morning. Lots of important business to discuss."

Berry tried to imagine how he was going to move the block of cement that was Henry all the way down the hall to Allegra's office for the huddle.

"Here," she thrust several loops of leather at him. "Henry's leash. I forgot to leave it with his bed. You'll be needing this."

With one last rub of Henry's jowls, she straightened her suit jacket and clacked off down the hall.

Otto, who was shaking his head with skeptical delight, sat down in Berry's guest chair.

"Co-parenting a bulldog. Quite a level of commitment between two people who, at least one claims, are not sleeping together."

"It's not like that," Berry interjected, but he was feeling worn down by all the secret-keeping himself. "Well, maybe it's a bit more like that now than it originally was."

"I fucking knew it!" Otto slapped his palm on the desk, which got Henry onto his feet. "I didn't think it could be true, but I knew it!"

The two men looked at each other. One, sullen with shame. The other, with new respect lighting his eyes.

"I have to say Ber, you surprise me. Family man. Mister follow-the-rules. Yes ma'am, no ma'am. And look at you now. Embroiled in a seedy... well, what are we looking at here, specifically? With as many details as you can supply, please."

"I really don't want to give--"

"No. You cannot keep this bottled inside. Okay, I'll ask the questions, you answer."

Berry nodded mutely. Henry, sensing that the new man was now in a position of dominance, shuffled closer to Otto and sniffed his pockets for possible treats.

"Are you having sex with the Managing Director?" Otto volleyed.

Berry half-nodded.

"Don't hold out on me, Ber. I'm the only one you can trust with this."

"Okay, yes, fine. I am. Monday to Friday only, though. Mostly at lunch."

Otto grinned and pushed Henry's snuffling face away from his crotch.

"Okay, next. The Managing Director, who you are sleeping with but only on weekdays because that's somehow better you think, promoted you to Head of Pharma -- a made-up position if I've ever heard one -- as a direct result of this affair?"

"Well..." Berry tried to look offended, but really, wasn't that the truth? "I suppose so, yes. I don't know why she thinks I'm capable."

"Excellent question, but I'll be the one asking the questions here if you don't mind." Otto continued, "She kicked Niall out of his office and gave it to you, also as a direct result of this affair?"

Berry made a so-so gesture with his hand.

"I don't think she likes Niall all that much, so it could just as easily have been--"

"But it was related to your promotion. You got the office. Not someone else. You did. Her lover."

Berry shuddered at that word. So intimate. Personal. That wasn't what this was.

Henry's front paws were now up on Otto's lap, and he was insistently sniffing him.

"Henry," said Otto, after another giant sneeze. "I don't have anything. I swear, buddy." Turning back to Berry, he finished his thought. "And now she's given you a dog -- one hell of a statement -- that you're going to have to take home with you and explain to your wife. My assessment is that you've got yourself a real mess here, Bertrand Ross."

Henry, who was still snuffling Otto's lap, gave in to his baser instincts and started enthusiastically humping Otto's shin.

"Hey! Hey... lay off, buddy. I've got a girlfriend." Otto shoved the beast back down to the floor and stood up. "Which is, actually, what I came to brag out. But it seems like you have your hands full here this morning. We can have lunch later. Oh... no, that's right. Lunches are all booked up for the foreseeable future. A coffee then, some time. In the meantime, my friend... can I suggest you figure out how to explain the appearance of this smelly over-sexed beast to your wife?"

Oh god. How was he going to explain this to Berenice?