Why I never have sex

<<This is a really long chapter>>

Shawn

The Shadow Clan were having a perfectly saint conversation of our money issues until

-"CONDOM LOVERS!"

<<Shoutout to FIERO 420>>

<<Author's Note: When I say really f-ed up shidonkeh and then say shoutout to FIERO it means that a friend of mine FIERO/68 says these random stuff and that turns into inside jokes. So don't judge me for saying random shidonkeh like that, judge my poor choice of friends. 

Ooohh burn!!! 

No I'm kidding.>>

68 said an inappropriate random shit-of-a-phrase then the whole conversation gets inappropriate. All hell breaks loose. 

-"C'mon 68, seriously we were having a perfectly good conversation until now!"

Kaihno said. 

-"You know were weird! Were bound to follow the conversation."

I added. 

-"True, True."

68 admitted. 

-"Ha I bet that's why you never get intimate with someone!"

Kaihno teased. 

-"Uhhh I've had sex with someone before!"

Clear lie. 

-"With a man!"

We all laughed. 

Mad with hate 68 shouted:

-"Well at least I'm not like Shawn who gets overly judgy when he's making out with a girl!"

-"Oi! Don't put me into this! You should insulting Kaihno, the guy who can't emotionally get close to someone."

I comeback. 

Kaihno discreetly approached me while everyone was blaming each other. 

-"What about Violet?"

He whispered. 

<<Wondering why Violet is mentioned so much? She has a very significant role to play soon enough.>>

-"I thought you wanted to keep it a secret? So I am."

-"Fine but don't think I'm truly a pervert."

-"Ok......... Vert"

Kaihno punched my arm. 

-"Geehee (RIP RICKY)"

-"Please stop"

He said. 

-"Alright, alright! Yeez is it that time of the month again? XD"

-"Grrrr"

We both chuckled. But we didn't notice all hell breaking loose with our teammates. 

-"Don't talk about me! You're the male-stripper here!"

68 argued. 

<< Another thing to explain Yamato has a bow-staff and he always 'hangs out' by balancing himself without touching the ground >>

-"Sorry I don't speak bullshit!"

Yamato argued back. 

-"That's what you say every day! You have such shitty comebacks!"

-"Please, stop talking about your life." (Dang it feels good to be a RUFFIAN)

-"Oh yeah, Fox Fucker!?"

-"Yeah, Weird Weaboo!"

-"Okay, okay the only weaboo <<or wanna be or a person who does things to get other people's attention>> here is Toski."

-"Hey! I'm not a weaboo! And also guys watch this:"

Toski said before throwing shuirken <<Sorry I forgot how to write another word for ninja star>> into a window, breaking it and flinging himself out the window and falling, while screaming: "WEEEEEeeeeeee...*thud* *distant* I'm ok!"

Okay...? Awkward moment.

-"Another reason why Shawn can't get laid is cuz he looks for girls who acts like guys. Just look at Uni! And she's a lesbian!"

Shouted Jack. Everyone broke out laughing. And I guess it was true. To make them quiet down:

-"Alright, alright! Just because I chose girls with just the right way of thought doesn't mean that I prefer lesbians."

I said calmly. 

-"You know they're people who are looking for mates with that way of thought... men!"

Another round of laughter and "Ohhh"s. Annoyed I fought back. 

-"Lookie here Jackie!... you shouldn't talk because you can't even talk to a girl... at least properly. You guys remember: 'Wuush oo ggu ri-loot w-w-weet ME?!'"

Everyone laughed. 

-"At-at least I don't have a weird voice!"

He's obviously running out of comebacks. But did he say 'at least' oh he's screwed. 

-"Don't play the 'at least' game with me."

I warned. 

-"Yeah Jack you should back off while you can. You do not want to play that game with Shawn."

Warned too Yamato. 

-"I never back off! At least I don't have weird hair that naturally makes a staircase."

I shook like an earthquake rocking a building. 

-"You're screwed... FINISH HIM!!"

Said Kaihno. At least he's the only one backing me up. 

<<Okay reader. 

Read what Shawn says REALLY fast. And the word in caps lock read it slowly and clearly. Ok? 3...2...1>>

-"AT LEAST I don't get emotional insecurities around a girl ever since the Jade INCIDENT. At least I don't try to steal other people's happiness to make yourself FEEL BETTER, but deep down you're a slightly sociable weaboo that get exited by small victories because deep down YOU KNOW and EYE know that that's the best you could do. And as a side platter you HAVE a abnormally SMALL PENIS so your hand can't give pleasure so you use a Lego hand to get something as close to fapping."

I gasped for breath. 

-"All I understood was: At least the incident makes me feel better. You know, I have small penis."

A moment of silence because everybody was shocked. The only thing you could hear was raspy gasping.

-"Jack if you couldn't catch that I have it on tape, so here."

Kaihno has been recording the whole thing. 

POV Switch 

3rd person

As Kaihno hands the video camera to Jack, Shawn literally exhaled abruptly: steam. 

-"Quickly... what drink calms you down?!"

Shouted Kaihno. 

-"I got this! Chill guys! It's Margarita!"

Answered 68. 

-"You sure?"

Asked Yamato. 

<<Yamato is the bartender of the group but he doesn't know the slightest shit about drinks>>

-"Yeah! Hey Shawn: It's Dangerous to go alone... TAKE THIS!"

Shawn angrily takes the bottle off 68 hands and chugs some down. He sat in a bar stool so Yamato could serve him drinks, obviously. Everyone awaited Shawn's reaction. Apart from Jack which he was somewhat confused because of the weird comments Kaihno put on the video. Kaihno apparently started to make a log, but you know log entries are supposed to be at the end of the day and in private. But no, he makes the log exactly when it's happening and by video. 

Out of nowhere Shawn makes an angry expression and literally breathes fire. Yamato ducked under the bar just in time before the fireball reached him. Yamato (still startled) left the bar in order to get the fire extinguisher. But Kaihno took over the bar with an evil smirk. Once Yamato was gone, Kaihno resorted to a Snickers bar. 

-"Have a Snickers."

Kaihno handed him a Snickers. Shawn swiped it off of Kaihno's hand. 

-"Why?!"

-"You get a little enraged when your hungry."

Kaihno laughed under his breath. Shawn angrily bites it. 

-"Better?"

...

-"WORSE!!!"

Shawn throws the half bitten Snickers Bar at Kaihno. But Kaihno moves his head out of its trajectory. The candy bar bounces of a plate behind Kaihno and into a beer dispenser opening it on the floor. The bar once again bounces from the beer dispenser and flies to 68's face. (Everything happens really fast now.) 

Kaihno slips because of all the beer on the floor. And starts laughing. The "Clash Royale" sad face flies in front of Jack's face because of the insults. 

<<You know the game "Clash Royale"? Well, when you lose a Tornament or voluntarily click on the sad face, the face with the King crying, that's face is the one I'm referring to.>>

68 licks his face covered in chocolate. Disgusted Shawn screams:

-"I BIT THAT!!"

And breathes fire, but this time it lights the beer on fire. 68 anyways eats the chocolate and gets a:

-"SUGAR RUSH HEHEHE *cough* HEHEHEHE!!!"

He runs up to a wall and runs up the wall and into the roof, as if the whole room was upside down, laughing like a goblin. Until he meets the broken window and jumps of. 

Yamato came back without looking through the doorway and avoiding the huge mess, while tossing the extinguisher. 

-"Found it! Imma get some beers I left outside!"

He kept walking still not noticing. 

Ivo walked in. With his usual unamused face. 

-"What happened here?!"

He said while picking up the extinguisher. 

-"Hey-ey Ivo! You know that's *hiccup* like w-water! He-hehe."

Clearly Kaihno's drunk. While his clothes are on fire. But since he's a half-demon then...who cares. Startled because he's in robot mode (not water resistant), Ivo threw the extinguisher and it landed on Shawn's head, knocking him out, but the extinguisher rolled off the bar counter falling on Kaihno's stomach. A really metallic voice blared blared over Ivo's actual voice. 

-"INITIATE SCATTER PROCEDURE"

His arms, legs, and head propelled out of his torso. His torso too, propelled. All his body parts flew towards the roof, breaking it. After flying a long distance out in the sky, they exploded. The guys don't know why. As Kaihno spent his last moments before knocking out, he said:

-"OOOHH *hiccup* fireworks!"

Out of misery Jack literally ate his gun. And you could here a hollow: BAM!

(That's a gunshot.)

Jack's body rolled lifelessly, and (you know Jack... always carrying C4s.)

MEANWHILE 

Yamato POV

I walked outside to my usual spot where I run away from all their stupid remarks. I sit on a hammock and listen to reggae. Maybe a little alcohol. So I went to my secret spot, and grabbed a six-pack. Cuz I just remembered beer is the drink that calms you down. I looked at the tower shaped like our logo. 

<< The logo is like a lightning bolt but slightly different. >>

An explosion erupted in the pointy left corner of the logo. <<lightning bolt>>

That's were the bar is! Aw crap! The tower toppled. 

-"Oh shit."

I ran as far away possible. But when I got out of the way, I swear I saw the building shift forward before crushing me. Only my head was visible as I slowly died. But I saw a green flash. 

POV switch

Geothermal

MEANWHILE 

I came back with the guys' orders of Wendy's. 

-"He guys, I got the food, also Jack? I totally didn't spit on your fries!"

I shouted without looking a the building collapsing in front me. I saw Yamato shrieking like a little girl before the building fell on him. 

-"Really guys! I leave the tower for ONE MINUTE and you manage to destroy the whole building!!"

The guys really get on my nerves. Wait is it ok to say that when they're probably dead? Eh? Who gives a s-68? It's an OVA. Ha!

*4th wall shatters*

I notice Yamato's head gag. I ran up to him. 

-"Dude I know people's consciousness lives on way after the body does, so... uh your gonna die... eating fries!" << I probably misspelled that. >>

I shoved fries in his mouth... but:

-"Shit man sorry... those were Jack's fries. Heh... sorry I was eating a Milky Way!"

I threw back the chocolate. 

-"Aw come on!!"

Yamato's head yelled. I chuckled. Until I heard:

-"But Caaaarl, that kills people!"

-"STOP FOLLOWING ME PAUL!!! I'M NOT CARL!!!!"

-"Alright I understand Carl!"

<< Quote from "Llamas with Hats" >>

Angry I grunted as I pulled out my laser pistol and shot at the bush were Paul was hiding. 

Well... that's over. I noticed Yamato struggled. I glanced at him and he said:

-"Promise me one thing... you... will... PROTECT THE FOXES!"

-"Alright, alright!"

-"Proomisse?"

-"Absol-utely."

Yamato died because of the pun. Not the building. << Absol is a Pokemon >>

A wild Absol has appeared. An Absol jumped out of nowhere and started punching me with its paws. 

-"*Punch* Ow! Punch* Gah! Punch* OKAY QUIT IT! Stop punching me!"

Surprisingly it stopped.

...

But it grabbed me and threw me to the pond. 

-"No no no no! Not THE FISH!! Aah! Why cruel world?!"