I might have been mentally damaged, but that did not mean I was stupid - Draco; Aftermath

***

'I would like to come back to the subject of this mornings groupmeeting, is you agree with that?'

That honestly did not surpise me at all. It was one of those stupid tricks to take us back to the subject we allready had discussed, it was something my therapist did quiet often.

'Yeah, sure,' I said, feeling nerves rise up once more as I realised that this meant that I had to talk about my horrible father again. 'You have told me that your father started to behave more distan from a certain point in your life, right?'

I nodded in agreement, not knowing where she wanted to talk about. We had talked about my father for so many times that I thought that she knew everything about that.

'So, today I thought we might disuss the effects that this had on you,' dr. Dolan explained paitently. 'Not about the consequences it had at the moment itself, but about what is does to you right know. Maybe if we try to tackle those side effects you might feel a little better again.'

I knew she was right; she always was. But that did not mean that I wanted to talk about it. Not at all. Talking about something like that was very hard for me to do, it meant that I really had to open-up to her and tell her my darkest secrets.

'Alright, before we start, do you have any idea what those side effects are?' she asked me, cousing me to think very deeply before I could react. 'No, not really,' I said, giving her a honest answer. And it was true, I had no clue how my fathers behavious in the past still effected me nowadays.

'That is okay, my boy,' the shorter women said, wrinting something down in that stupid book of hers again. 'At what moment or in what kind of situations do you think the most about your father?'

'When I lie awake in the night,' was my answer to that question. 'And when I do something that I knew would have made my mother proud, then I instanly think about him aswell, hoping that he would feel that way as well even though I know he does not.'

She wrote something down, again. It made me feel anxious but at the same time annoyed that I could not see what it was that she wrote down.

'Could you give me an example?'

'Yeah,' I said, thinking about that for a moment. 'When I came here to work on myself,' the words left my lips quietly. 'I know that I made my mother very happy with that, maybe even proud. At that moment I wished he would feel that way too.'

'But he did not?'

'No, he called me weak when my mother told me where we were going. He said that I was weak for searching help, he said that a son of his would not behave this way.'

'How did that make you feel?' she asked me, something that made me want to throw something towards her, because honestly, how did she think that that made me feel? 'Awful,' I said. 'I felt like a piece of shit, like a coward.'

'Before we continue I just want you to know that you do not have to be what you father wants you to be. You are more then that, please remember that.'

I did not react to that, simply because I did not know what to say. Of course he had left a scar to my soul, of course I wanted to make him proud. But I could not do that, I could not make him proud. The only thing I could do was disappointing him.

'I want to ask you something, and please correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that there is another way to see what your father did to you,' she said, carefully choosing her words. 'I want to talk about you and Harry,' she said, something that made my heart beat faster immediatley. 'And about you and Lucia.'

After she had mentioned Lucia as well I felt a deep sighn escape my lips. The last thing I wanted was for her to find out about my feelings for Harry, feelings that I still had not been able to figure out just yet.

'Okay,' I said, realising that she had been waiting for me to react. 'What about that?'

'I think that all those things your father has done to you have let you to attach to people way quiker then a normal person would do in a situation like this,' she pointed out, causing me to frown after hearing her words. 'For example, three weeks ago you and Harry almost had a fight, but Friday you were acting like friends. Normal people do not change their behaviour that quikly.'

There was something about the things she said that made me wonder if she might have been right. To be honest, I knew that the way I felt was different from the way others would feel. I might have been mentally damaged, but that did not mean I was stupid.

'Can you find yourself in my words?' she asked me, 'or am I just saying complete nonsens, please tell me if I do.'

Slowly, I started to shake my head. 'You might be right,' the words had left my lips way to soon. Agreeing to someone without putting on a fight was not something I was used to do. Normally I would have tried to convince her otherwise, this time I just knew that she was right.

'But does that mean that my feeling are not genuine?'

I honestly feared her answer. If it would be no, I would feel relieved knowing that whatever I felt for Harry was relatively normal. But if it would be a yes, everything would change immediately. I would not know what to feel or what to do anymore. Confusion like that was something I defiantly did not need. What if I had been lying to myself all along? What if there never were genuine feelings in the first place? What if this really was a side effect from my traumatic childhood?

'No, of course it does not,' she said, given me some sort of relief. 'All those things you are feeling are real, maybe a little too real for my liking. You see, when you get attached to someone that quickly it will only hurts more when you have to say your goodbyes, or when they hurt you. I am not saying that either Harry or Lucia will hurt you, but when you do it will hurt you even more.'

Her words made me shiver. It made me want to cry so badly. Now that I finally thought things were going okay, now that I finally believed that I had made some real friends she told me that it was wrong. That is was my minds fault.

'Do you think that I would not have been so close to them if my childhood had not been the way it has been?' I asked, fearing her answer once again. I hated being close to people, I really did. Unless I knew them and liked them. Harry was one of those people that I loved being close with. As the matter of fact, I never thought that he was close enough to me. What if this was unnatural? What if I had pushed him into doing so? What if he just acted this way because he wanted to play tricks with my mind, to get me back for all those horrible things I had done to him in the past?

'That is a question only you can answer,' she spoke, not giving me satisfaction this time. 'But deep down I know you do know the answer, to all the things you have asked me. You are a very smart boy, Draco. But you are also a broken boy, that does not mean that you will always stay that way. Please know that help will always be given to those who need it.'