They say that over time there will be nothing left to lose

But I still cant find the light, I've given all my love to you - Oh Wonder; The Rain

***

'I think that I am going to end our relationship.'

'What?' I asked, completely caught off my guard. We were both lying on our backs on the with carpeted floor. 'I think that I am going to break up with Ginny,' he said, making himself more clear, yet I still did not understand where this was coming from.

'Oh,' I said, not sure how to react properly. 'Why?'

'I told you before that our relationship is not the same anymore, right?' he asked me, I nodded and even though both of our eyes were locked to the ceiling his words continued to slide out of his beautiful lips. 'I still love her, of course, very, very much. She was the first real girlfriend I ever had. I am aware of the fact that it might break her heart, but me being in here does the same thing. I cannot be the boyfriend she needs; she deserves. It would be so wrong of me to keep her on a line.'

Silence. For a moment I did not know what to say. I mean, what could I possibly say? Sorry to hear that but I am secretly very happy because now I do not have to feel any quilt towards her because I really want to kiss you? Or, well, sorry but that sounds to be te best option because I want to be more than just friends with you?

No. There was no way I could possibly say something that selfish. For once I really had to think about others and what they needed and wanted.

'When are you going to, you know, do it?' I had no idea what to say or what to do in situations like this. With the "friends" I had made while I was at Hogwarts I never had conversations like these. We never spoke about feelings, desires or needs. We only spoke about Quidditch, hate we felt towards others and simple, meaningless things. Maybe the raven-haired boy was the first male person I had ever really opened up to.

'Today,' he spoke, throwing me completely off my guard, again. 'That is, uh, soon?' I knew that I sounded like a complete fool, but what else could I say? The one thing I really wanted to do was just be there for him, like a good friend does. For once I really wanted to put his needs before mine, something that was quiet unusual for me. 'I know,' he replied as his eyes finally found mine. 'But I have thought about this a lot and know that this is the right thing to do.'

'Have you talked about this with dr. Dolan?' I asked, hoping that he would have done that. She was way better in given useful advise then I would ever be. 'Yeah, I did to be honest,' he answered, 'she thinks that is it the best thing to do as well. You know, since it will give me more space in my head to really focus on "my own recovery".'

'I think she is right,' the words had left my lips before I could reconsider them. 'Your recovery is far too important. Nothing should be allowed to get in the way of that, especially not a doubt like that.'

'I am glad that you get me,' he said, smiling at me. His glasses were balancing on his nose, hiding his eyes a little, but even that made him the most beautiful human being I had ever seen. 'Hopefully so will Ginny.'

I felt the urge of connection our hands together, the desire built up inside of me really fast. However, my brain stopped me. The poor guy was going to break up with his girlfriend, he did not need me to touch him in a loving way like that. Not now. That would only confuse the both of us, something we really did not need.

I had planned to tell my mother about the feelings that had been building up inside of me for the past three weeks. Someone needed to know, someone who would never judge me. I knew she would have her doubts, but she would not hate me for catching a crush for someone male. To say that I had fallen in love with the boy with the glasses was something I did not allow myself to do, not yet at least. After all, I had never really allowed myself to fall in love with someone. I was completely lost in the dark when it came to love.

Love. It was such a weird, four letter word. Yet all people in the world seemed to desire it more than anything else in the world. The only love I had ever felt was the love for my sweet mother, and for my father who did not return that love. Maybe, just maybe I could feel love for a certain boy one day. But then again I might never experience that holy feeling everybody seems to be casing. Maybe that just was not for me.

'Where are you thinking about?' Harry questioned me. 'You,' I blurted out before I could realise it. My cheeks instantly heated up, just like the rest of my face. My eyes broke our eye contact and stared back to the white ceiling. 'About you and Ginny I mean,' I quickly said, hoping that he would not suspect anything. 'I really hope you two can work things out with each other. It would hurt me to see the two of you fighting, especially after everything you have been through together.'

I was talking about the war of course, the time that Harry and I hated each other the most. He thought of me as a coward, I thought of him as a real pain in the ass. But she was there for him, even after the lost of her brother. I could still hear her screaming his name when she found out the Lord had "killed" him. Her screams had made me realise the true meaning of love. I remembered her screams and how they would fill every silence in the world. I remembered her pain, her tears. They had loved each other, so deeply. So much.

I really hated myself for the fact that they would throw all of that away. A part of me knew that it had nothing to do with me and that I should not feel flattered that he was going to break up with her because of me. After all, I could not be sure of that. Still, I could not help the feeling of self-hatred rising in me. A poor, innocent girl was going to get hurt, no matter how. Thinking that I might have played a part in that made me want to hit the wall again, and again, and again. Probably until my hands would feel numb and I would have lost a lot of blood.

I wanted to take the pain that she was going to feel, all of it.