Staying up late

I cannot seem to wait for when

You are around again - Laurel; Untitled (Hold tight)

***

'Is there anything you would like to say about what happened this morning?'

'No,' I said, refusing to let my steel-blue eyes meet hers. I knew that what I had done was wrong, but on the other hand I did not. Defending someone is not something to be ashamed of, it is not an act of cruelty.

'Well, I think we should before we continue today's session,' doctor Dolan spoke as I could still feel her eyes looking at me. 'Please describe to me what you believe happened this morning.'

I felt nervous once again, knowing that now I had to speak and she would judge me. Not on purpose of course, but eventually everyone judges you, even if the try so hard not to. It is pretty hard not to. From the moment you see someone for the first time, hear him or feel that person you have made your mind about this person. It happens automatically, no matter how open-minded you are. We all have people we do not like, and people we like a little more than the others. It happens, but that does not mean it does not hurt.

'I think Lydia was jealous because Serena can leave but she cannot,' I started, doubting if it actually was Serena who would leave us. 'She got angry, and Honey argued with her about this,' I continued, hoping that it indeed was Honey who argued with her. Spending some time in the isolation room made my thoughts unclear. I did not really have a clear picture in my head anymore of this morning. The only thing I was certain that had happened was that Lydia had attacked Harry with her stupid words. In my eyes this was extremely unfair, knowing that the raven-haired boy had done nothing wrong to the brown-haired girl.

'What happened next?' my therapist asked me and for the first during our time I found the strength to look her in the eye. 'I stood up for him,' I spoke with a serious voice. 'I stood up for him the way a good friend is supposed to stand up for his friend, but instead of praising me for doing so you decided to fucking lock me up into that isolation room.'

'How did you feel about that?'

I could honestly not believe that she wanted to talk to me about feelings. This did not have anything to do with that in my opinion. The only thing I wanted to hear was a "sorry" coming out of her lips, not mine.

'Angry,' I then said, sounding a little angry while saying this. 'I felt like you did not even listen to me, like you saw me as the bad guy even tough I was not. Not this time at least.'

She started writing something down in that stupid book of hers. I wondered what she was writing down, was is something positive or negative? At that moment I was not sure which one of the two I hoped it would be.

'It sounds like you really hate it when people jump into conclusions and see you as the bad guy. Could you please explain that to me?'

I signed. Deeply. Knowing that now I had to discuss my past once again with her. Knowing that I had to tell her the awful things I had done in the past, things that made me hate myself even more. However, to really get better this had to be done. Doing the wrong, but easy, thing was something I had done my entire life. Now I had to choose the hard, but right thing and be open. To her, and to myself. I owed that to myself as much as I owned it to my mother.

'Yeah,' I mumbled as I felt my hand palms getting sweaty. 'A few years ago I made some incredibly bad decisions. I chose the easy way, something that led to people calling me a coward, they thought I was weak, they hated me for what I did.'

'What exactly was it that you did?'

'I lied, betrayed good people and allowed them to be killed way too many times. I even killed some of them myself. I followed someone blindly and would have done absolutely anything if he had asked me to do it,' I admitted, feeling incredibly bad about the words that were about to escape my lips. 'I honestly believe that I would have killed my own mother if he would have asked me to do so. For me, following him was the only option. I wanted him to be proud of me.'

'Had there ever been a thing you denied to do for him?' the older women asked me with patient lying in her eyes and with a kind smile lying on her lips. For a moment I really had to think about that.

'I did,' I then spoke, but before she could ask me "when" of "why" I started speaking again. 'It was that one, horrible night. I had just came back to the house where I was raised. I heard my father and mother argue and he hit her, to be quite honest that was not something odd to me but that did not mean that it did not hurt me. My only wish at that moment was that I could do something to punish him for all that he had done. I wanted him to suffer.'

My words died on my lips as I tried to figure out how exactly to formulate the things I wanted to tell her. All my anger for her had disappeared as soon as the anger towards myself had grown.

'That night was also the night Harry Potter was finally caught,' I then spoke, hoping that she was aware of the fact how badly Lord Voldemort wanted to kill him. 'But there was something wrong with his face, you see, his friend Hermione had performed a spell that made his face look very odd. Because of this no-one really knew if it actually was the Harry Potter and that is why they wanted me to look at him. You know, so I could confirm that it was him and they could get the Dark Lord.'

I paused for a moment, remembering the way the raven-haired boy had looked. From the moment I led my eyes on him I had known that it was him. I could recognise him under any circumstance.

'I knew it was him, but lied to all the others and told them that I could not be sure. That is why they could not get the Dark Lord. Maybe that is the reason he survived it that night, because when we had a fight later that night I let him escape as well.'

'So you saved Harry? The same Harry that is currently staying in here?' she questioned, hopefully realising how far our relationship with each other, if you can call it that, went. 'Yes, I did that. Even though I knew it would cost me my life if the Dark Lord would find out that I had lied,' I said, feeling a bit of proud rising.

'I guess you could say that Harry really does bring out the best in me.'