Maybe I am defected

Or maybe I am dumb

I am sorry, so sorry for what I have done - Nothing but Thieves; Sorry

***

'Why did you do it?' dr. Dolan asked patiently. Cecilia was shaking her head in disappointment while she looked at the wounds I myself had created. 'I do not know,' I said, not wanting her to know how lost I felt at that moment. The chance that she would tell my mom about this was huge, I did not want her to worry even more than she already did. I felt really guilty knowing that I was not the son she had wanted. I had disappointed her by hating myself. She had done everything she could do to make me survive the war, and I had. I had survived when so many others had not, they would have done anything to still be able to live. I would have done everything not to live any longer.

'Were you angry? Sad? Hurt?' my therapist continued asking while tapping the paper book lying on her lap with her pencil. 'What happened with Lucia must have had a big impact to you, I am really sorry that happened. Her recovery has nothing to do with you.'

'I did not mind, at all,' I spoke to her with a honest tone in my voice. Because I did not mind at all, she needed help and I was there for here. During the war I had helped no one, maybe I felt like I needed to make that right by doing it now. 'She needed a hug, maybe not a friend but just someone to hold her.'

'Is that also how you feel?'

'I honestly have no idea how I am feeling. All I know right now is that my knuckle hurts, but the pain is bearable.'

'You did do a great job cleaning up the mess you made,' Cecilia spoke randomly after she had cleaned my freshly made wounds again. 'Most people cannot do such thing after hitting a wall.'

Some part of me wanted to give Harry credits for that part. But I could not do that. Dr. Dolan was right, I was here for my own recovery, the Boy Who Lived had nothing to do with that. 'Thank you,' I just said to her, not lying but not telling the truth either. 'I must have felt better at that moment, I cannot really remember it.'

That was true, the only thing I could remember was the unbearable urge to hurt myself, to just feel for a moment. The other thing I could remember were Potter's hands, who had hold mine with so much compassion that it made me want to faint. I could still feel his breath, his gentle touch and I could hear his soft words speaking to me.

'Well, you are going to be just fine,' the nurse said. She nodded to her boss once before leaving the room, what left me and dr. Dolan alone again.

'Now you can be honest, my boy. You can tell me why you did it, you know that right?'

I thought about it for a moment. I did want to get better, that was certain. Knowing that the only way I would ever feel generally good again was when I opened up to her, when I would accept her help. So, no matter how hard it was, I decided to open up to her. Just for now at least.

'I wanted to feel something,' I admitted while I felt my cheeks turning red. Once again my heart started to beat a little faster. And faster. And faster. 'After what happened with Lucia, I, I guess I did not handle that as well as I had hoped I would. Maybe all I needed at that moment was someone to hold me as well.'

'That is completely understandable, Mr. Malfoy. It is an natural reaction of your body to be a little tensed after what happened, you are all here for your own recovery,' she said once more, emphasising the last part. 'But it is a good thing you feel like you have made a connection with others in here, that must make you feel less alone.'

'It sort of does, yes,' I admitted. My back was once more very sweaty.

'What happened after you hit the wall?'

'I think I have been staring at the wall for half an hour,' it may have been a little longer, but since I did not have any idea of reality at that moment I had made a guess. 'After that my feet carried me to the bathroom where I made sure my wounds would not get infected.'

'You even managed to grab the First Aid Kit,' Dr. Dolan said, and I might have been mistaken but from the way she looked at me I knew she had not believed my story completely. 'Yeah, I must have had a clear moment,' I simply said, hoping that she would leave it to be. 'I really do not remember that, or how I got back to my room.'

'You will have to explain to Mr. Potter how the hole inside the wall got there,' she pointed out. 'How are you going to do that?'

'I will just say that a big fly bumped into the wall and created the hole.'

She did not laugh, there was not even a muscle in her face that moved. Once more she grabbed her pencil and wrote something down on a piece of paper that had carefully been placed in her map.

'I think that was it for today,' she said and closed her book. 'Unless you want to discuss something else with me?'

For another moment I really felt the urge to tell her what had really happened. I wanted to tell her how confused I felt, how much self-hate I felt for being rude to Harry. But I did not want any questions, nor did I want to tell her what had happened without Harry's permission. There were so many things I wanted to blurt out. About my past, about my fears for the future, my nightmares, the horrible feelings that had been haunting me for an awful long time now. But also about my dreams, hopes and desires. There was so much I wanted to say. My mouth however did not want to speak any longer. My tongue felt too dry to even try to speak up again.

'No that was it.'