As I stared I counted,

the webs from all the spiders,

catching things and eating their insides - 5 seconds of summer, I miss you

***

'Group therapy did not really go that well,' Dr. Dolan said. It was more a statement then something I should have reacted to. She was right though, it was a disaster. I ended up crying my eyes out, Harry ended up ripping horrible paintings from the wall and wrecking them. The weird girl, Serena, was sent to a silent room, which basically is a room with nothing in it except for your own thoughts. 'How do you feel about that?'

'Great actually,' I replied, 'I thought it went very well, I am looking forward to tomorrows session.'

Dr. Dolan did not react the way I wanted to, she simply wrote something down in her stupid book with a stupid pencil in her stupid handwriting. I wanted her to yell at me, to call me impolite. Not this.

'How would you feel about continuing the discussion we started this morning?'

'It depends,' I answered, not really willing to open up to her. 'Will I be called a coward again? Or was that just a welcome present for me?'

She wrote something down, again. I got annoyed, again.

'You and Mr. Potter have quiet a history together, am I right?' she asked after a short silence. I felt how my back became sweaty and how my hand palms slightly started to shake. 'We do,' I said with a shaking voice. 'Can you tell me something about that?'

'What do you want to know?'

I really did not want to talk about Harry Potter. Hell, I never even wanted to see him again. After Hogwarts I thought that he would be gone forever. That I would never have to see the arrogant boy again. Now we where together in a clinic for crazy people. We were just as crazy as all the others in here.

'Tell me how you met?'

A small laugh escaped my lips, remembering how we had met. 'In a shop,' I replied, seeing the young Harry in front of me. 'It was before we went to Hogwarts, I remember asking him to be my friend, but he denied me. From that moment on our relationship was a little, uhm, tensioned.'

'Could you please describe that tension for me?'

'I do know really know how. We went to the same school, he had a place at the Gryffindor table and I had owned mine at the Slytherin table,' I tried to explain, not really willing to admit that it was mostly my fault that we hated each other so much. I might have been selfish, but I was not stupid. 'Are those two houses not rivals of each other?' Dr. Dolan asked with a friendly smile. I nodded before continuing my story. 'He is famous, you know. Everybody in the magic world knows him. Most people adore him. He did not have to do anything to accomplish that. It made me jealous. Like, extremely jealous. There were nights that I just could not sleep because he was hunting me in my thoughts. I wanted to be famous like him, I wanted people to know me, to praise me. To love me, even. I am not saying that people loved him, some did, other did not. He just had no idea how to handle that fame, what made me even sicker.'

'Because you wanted it, you knew how to handle it. Am I right?' she asked patiently. I started wondering if she had had the same conversation with Potter. 'Yeah, I guess you are,' I admitted, feeling ashamed of how childish this all sounded. Dr. Dolan must have thought of me as a crazy person.

But then again, it was her job to work with people like me. To help people like me. Mentally disabled people who could simply could not win the battle with their demons.

'Do you talk with him about me as well?' I softly asked, not really caring how it sounded. 'I mean, we are discussing my complicated relationship with him, are you doing the same with him?'

'I cannot say anything about that my boy, I am sorry.'

I sighed, a part of me knew it was her duty not to tell anyone anything about one another. That did not take the fact that I was slightly disappointed anyways.

'How would you describe your time at Hogwarts?' was her next question, one that made me think for a moment before I could answer it. 'I think I would describe it as fun, weird, sometimes a little random and heart breaking.'

'Why?'

I hated the fact that I had to explain every single thing I said to her. But then again, that was her job. It was her job to make me rethink every single detail of my live in order to make me feel better about it. That did not really work, not yet at least.

'I used to play Quidditch with my friends, I absolutely loved that. It made me feel good about myself knowing that there was this one thing I was good at. I also really enjoyed spending time with my friends, that would be the fun part about it.'

'Why was it heart breaking?'

'The last two years where,' I answered softly, feeling how my heartbeat started to race. 'I had to kill someone,' I whispered softly. 'I had to kill the one man who deserved to live. I killed the one man who had offered to help me to get out of the darkness.'

My voice spoke quickly. My hands started to shake. My voice started to break.

'I had to kill him,' I whispered again. 'I had to kill him and I fucking wanted to do it. I wanted him dead!' I almost screamed hysterically for the second time that day. 'Who give you the order to kill him?' my therapist asked me slowly. I could not believe why she had not walked out of the room, fearing for her live. I was a murderer, a murderess coward.

'He did,' I spoke, not ready to speak out his name just yet. 'What was his name?' Dr. Dolan asked further, wanting me to speak out his name. I felt the need to cry, tears were ready to break free, ready to roll down my cheek.

'Voldemort,' I said breathlessly. 'Lord Voldemort.'

After having said that I could not hold back my tears anymore. So for the second time that day, I cried my heart out.