pov steve~

That kiss.

It could have been everything, that kiss. I wanted it to be, but he felt like a stranger, despite the fact that I know him better than I know myself.

When he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore, though, that killed me. It was worse than feeling that exact thing transfer from his lips to mine because it was, suddenly, so much more real being said compared to being felt.

Sure, Bucky is still trying to get better, but he doesn't want me there like I want to be.

I wanted us to forge a new path together, to be happy again. The only difference between what we have now and what we used to have is that he doesn't know me like I know him.

How could he forget something that lasted so long? Something that spanned nearly ten years of his life? Can it really just slip away into thin air like nothing?

It makes me so incredibly angry, but I know I can't stay mad at him... especially when it's not his fault by any means.

And, I want to do what he tells me and move on because, somehow, he doesn't see himself as I do... but I can't. I have faith that he's gonna get better, and enough of it for the both of us to make it through the torturous waiting game.

I want that to be enough, this unseen faith I hold for us both, but, how logical, really, is that? How long until I lose all hope and just can't get up anymore and live a life without the version of him I fell in love with?

There are so many issues with this, so many flaws in the presented, potential futures. I can't tell what's a viable option and what's an illusion anymore.

That's because, I suppose, the only real problem I see in all this - if I do what he wants - isn't exactly immediate.

Let's say I move on and date someone else- hell, fall in love again. Then, say, he remembers me. What do I do then? I can't leave whoever I'm with for him after he made it so clear he wanted nothing to do with me romantically. It isn't right, and I would feel terrible having to make a choice like that.

Or, even worse... what if I just don't move on? Sure, that's a thing I could do, but, what if he never gets better? Then I will have lived my life alone for nothing- nothing but dead hopes and fantasies of something more.

Either way, I suffer.

I could ask him again what he suggests I do, but I know, that way, I won't get the answer I want. Though, to be fair, the only response I can possibly imagine is something along the lines of 'haha I was just kidding, I remember you- how could I not?' and... that's not realistic at all.

Maybe if I just try moving on, then I can rule it out after it fails horribly. God, as much as it kills me, I know he wants this for me and the old him would have said the same. He just wants me to be happy, whether it's with him or with someone else.

Okay, I've decided. I'll try it. Just once and only if the opportunity presents itself. If everything lines up and I get asked on a date, I'll do it. But only under those very specific circumstances.

And, if it doesn't work out, it has to be a sign from something (or someone) greater that I need to wait a little while longer because, well, he's almost there... right?

God, I feel so stupid, concocting a plan like this. Like I have every step planned out for every possible outcome and input.

No- stop. It's not that bizarre at all, the credentials are simple, really:

1) someone else has to initiate
2) they get one chance
3) if it doesn't work, it's a sign from god, I'm done. Game over.

That's only 3 steps! Okay, okay. I now fully believe in myself that I can, actually, do this.