Faded
Alan Walker

Matthew Gray

Grief

An emotion that everyone tries to avoid and mostly just want to escape from. Something that had such a huge impact that other people couldn't even handle any of it anymore.

It was about the loss of someone or something that had a very important meaning to us, that had a special place somewhere in our small heart.

A loss caused by mutual unfriending, break ups, distance, fights or even worse; death.

Something or someone who we instantly got worried about the moment something bad happened to them, hoping that they would be alright and instantly feeling bad within the progress; worrying about if you ever gave them enough love, did you show it to them? Did they know that you honestly and deeply cared about them?

Did he know?

Something or someone that we smiled about whenever they were happy about something so small. We were happy, because they were happy and that was all we needed/wanted from them; for our loved ones to be happy.

Something or someone we almost instantly lit up from, because of how caring and wholehearted they were towards us, making sure that they thought about us and that we were okay.

Those were just buried inside of our hearts and minds, we knew we couldn't live without that thing or person.

And the undeniable moment that you lost them, it was just like your whole entire world crumbled down in slow motion.

That one source of happiness was gone. The little light in your life went out, making your tunnel completely pitch black again. You were lost all over again and didn't know where to go know, because the small light that showed you the way just vanished up in the air like little pieces of ashes.

How were we supposed to just move on from that? To forget about those small precious moments? How could you find the same happiness ever again?

The answer is that: we don't.

So how was Matthew supposed to live on like that without Rain?

That was all he could think about for months by now.

"Mister Gray, I would gladly appreciate it if you actually tried to look like you're paying attention in class" Miss Grumble suddenly said which made me jump from my seat since I was so deep in my thoughts.

I felt everyone's eyes on me including Justin which made me blush and look down in embarrassment.

"Sorry miss Grumble" I quickly muttered and tried not to think about him for the rest of the lesson until it was time for lunch break.

I gathered my stuff and made my way towards the hallway until Miss Grumble stopped me.

"Matthew, can I speak to you for a minute?" She asked me politely and smiled, almost in a way of saying sorry which made me frown.

"Yeah sure, what is it?" I asked curiously and made my way towards her since everyone was out of the classroom anyways.

"How are you doing? I've been told that you're really distracted lately and the rest of the teachers also start worrying about you Matthew" She explained.

"Why? Is there a problem? Because my grades aren't that bad anymore, I'm trying my best I promise!" I rambled on, suddenly feeling worried that I wouldn't make this year.

"No no! That's all fine now, but it's not easy you know" She said.

"What isn't?" I asked still frowning, because I was so confused at this point.

"Losing someone you deeply love" She said as if she thought I was some pathetic loser which slightly angered me.

And then it really hit me.

"I'm fine, god, what is it with all of you people?! I'm fucking doing fine!" I yelled upset and made my way out of that room as fast as I could, ignoring Miss Grumble calling my name.

It felt as usual to be back at school again. Nothing has really changed for me. There were some new gossips that Justin told me here and there, but that was it.

Speaking of Justin.

For some reason I felt way better then the past few days and I couldn't wait to talk to Justin again. He was intriguing, intimidating and frustrating; somehow I kinda liked that about him even though he annoyed the hell out of me and I still dislike him.

I didn't felt this black hole in my chest anymore and it was like he took a bit of the pain and chaos away from me when he told me that he broke into a damn principal office for me to check up on me.

I shook my head at those thoughts and opened my locker to put my books in it.

Who am I kidding? Justin and I still hate each other, period. Nothing has changed. It was just surprisingly nice of him that he checked up on me yesterday.

I shut my locker and jumped up when I suddenly see Justin leaning against the lockers, looking at me.

Speaking of the devil himself.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you, but hey you're back" He grinned cheekily.

"Don't you have to be somewhere else?" I snapped at him, but didn't mean to be as rude as how I said that.

"Ouch, well that's a nice thank you for yesterday" He said and rolled his eyes.

"Oh shut up you. I didn't ask you to break into the principal his office to find out where the hell I live to visit me which actually kind of sounds like you're a stalker or a murderer" I said in a kind of serious way, but ended with a small laugh.

"Touché Matthew, touché" He said and laughed too.

It was in that moment that something snapped at me. I couldn't stand the fact that he called me like that after him. I only accepted it from my mom and him.

"Don't call me that" I gritted through my teeth, feeling myself growing darker with every minute.

"Wow, calm down. I forgot that you didn't like that, I'm really sorry" He rambled, but I didn't listen.

Something was really bothering me and I only saw black. My breathing got worse and I didn't know what to do. Everything started to remind me of him and it was all too much for me.

His stupid perfect smile that always automatically made me smile and be happy. And his stupid blue eyes that were showing me the entire ocean that I always seemed to love more and more. Then you also had his stupid curly and soft hair that I always played with. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I missed him, how much I missed his touch, warmth, aura, embrace, kisses, comfort and just him in general.

Now they only seemed to be memories and I couldn't deal with that.

"Hey, hey Matt? What's going on? Hey, look at me" I heard Justin panicking, but I couldn't react to it somehow.

My hands were uncontrollably shaking and I couldn't move anymore, I was frozen. I started to feel really sweaty and in that moment I almost couldn't breath properly which made me sit, almost fall, down to the ground.

"I think he's having a panick attack" I heard a faint and familiar voice say somewhere in the distance.

"Hey Matty, look at me" Because of the nickname I knew it had to be Ryan.

My sight came back and I looked into his big brown eyes, but there were still a couple of black spots covering my sight a bit yet it didn't out-stand the bright brown color.

"Breath with me okay?" He said and suddenly started to breath in and out, doing it over and over again.

I tried to follow him and started to breath in and out very slowly.

In and out.

In and out.

In and out Matthew.

After a couple of minutes everything felt normal and I could breath again. Only my hands were still shaking. I look up to Ryan and see him sigh in relief, shooting me a small concerned smile.

My eyes met Justin and he looked incredibly worried and even scared which made me feel guilty.

I haven't had a panic attack in a while, but Ryan always used to help me with those. He somehow always knew what to do and how to help me in the slightest bit. The attacks were mostly after his death and Ryan stayed a couple of days since I couldn't sleep and when I finally did: I was having a lot of bad nightmares, almost close to having panic attacks.

"Come on, let's go to the cafeteria and get something to eat" He said and helped me up from the floor.

I didn't said anything, afraid of myself, so I just followed him and we sat down. Justin went to sit at the table where his friends were sitting after making sure that I was okay.

"Are you feeling okay by now?" Ryan asked me and looked at me while I was eating a banana.

"Yeah" I nodded.

"You haven't had a panic attack in a while and you were gone for five days. It suddenly made sense to me as to why you weren't at school and I'm so incredibly sorry for not noticing or not visiting you, I know I should've been there for you. I guess it really just slipped my mind and it's not like I don't care-"

"It's fine Ryan! Really, my mom made sure I was okay and Justin also came by to make sure that I was okay. He doesn't know though, but I wasn't alone so it's fine" I tried to assure him and interrupted him to say that it was really fine, knowning Ryan he would ramble on about it.

"Oh.. okay" Ryan said while smiling weird like an idiot which made me frown and wonder.

Did I miss something?

The rest of the school day was just boring and normal like always. Justin shot me a lot of looks though.

He noticed something more was going on than just Rain his death and he knew that.

I was so lost,
I'm faded.